Melinda Jane Kellogg holds a Ph.D. in physics. Jeff Rense has an alternative radio program. Kellogg listened to the program for more than two years, and then, on Rense’s birthday, sent him a “Happy Birthday” email. He responded, they corresponded, they visited, they married. It didn’t turn out as Kellogg expected, and she tells the whole story—complete with documentation—on her website.
Visit Melinda Jane Kellogg
Link supplied by two Lovefraud readers.
UPDATE: More of the story is available on HenryMakow.com.Â
Mindy, my comment about e-dating absolutely was not an insult, and I’m sorry you took it that way. More like a lesson learned from what has happened to others. I also know many people who have had successful relationships after e-dating or telephone romances. But after reading your and other stories, I wouldn’t chance it. Sorry if this upsets you.
Hello Mindy,
It was certainly not my intention to blame you for your situation. An encounter with a spath is what unites all of us at LF and I come here as a safe haven to listen to others, to post my feelings and to heal. I am very sorry that you felt attacked by my comment. It was in response to a comment made by another blogger and not in any way intended to hurt you or to crticise you.
The general concensus here is to go NC asap after breaking free from the spath. In addition, it is not recommended that one engages in any form of revenge, no matter how tempting that is. Especially if you are putting your safety at risk. My ex is extremely volatile and I would be too scared to expose him online or otherwise and put my name to it. I am not strong enough emotionally to take him on either. The one time I did I nearly ended up dead.
There are many people here who have lost everything through no fault of their own. They were duped. Myself included. I am still paying the price for my entanglement. I count myself lucky that I have not come off as badly as some but nonetheless my experience will have lasting effects upon me and my family.
I wish you well in your quest. Best wishes from a fellow survivor.
Hi Mindy,
you are a strong chick and I admire your courage.
BUT you are new to this. It takes a while to understand some of the more complex issues about spaths. That is why some of the posters may have seemed hard-hearted. They aren’t, they have just moved on to the next level and want you to hurry up. You can’t. It takes time.
My spath stalked me when I was 17. 25 years later, I learned that he had been putting strychnine in my food for 25 years, to keep me sick and helpless. BUT, I was not. I fought, for my health, for my money. (I had recieved a 100,000 settlement and he wanted it before he killed me.) The story is long, I won’t go into it, but I will say, that when I left him, I realized that he had plotted to make me so miserable that I would kill myself and he would inherit my house. I also realized that had made a very x-rated video of me and that he was saving it for the final humiliation, so that I WOULD KILL MYSELF. Then, last of all, he had told everyone that I was a drug addict and alcoholic and suicidal (including my pharmacist), so that incase I didn’t kill myself, he could make it look like I had. (His ex-gf had killed herself).
The reason I mention this is because, humiliation is their weapon of choice. That is why they slander us. I realized this IMMEDIATELY and decided that I had no reason to be ashamed. My “sex tape” (which I didn’t know about when it was done) was coerced because he literally cried and begged me to prove that I loved him by doing these perversions. He had told me that his video cam was stolen, so I never suspected that he would be taping them, but now I know exactly why he said that. So, anywayI know that my heart was pure when I agreed to do what he asked. I didn’t know he was taping it.
Our weapon against their slander is HUMILITY. This is not just a platitude, Mindy. It is a WEAPON. Get a good understanding of humility vs. shame. and pride and narcisissm and you will get how to fight Mr. Rense.
The way to win against a spath is to NOT PARTICIPATE. AT ALL. GIVE THEM NO ATTENTION. We have better things to do than care about people who believe and spread lies. I know it’s hard, because our society is based on psychopathy: rivalry, competition, materialism, who wins, who loses. We’ve been indoctrinated into that mindset. Getting out of it will be almost impossible.
It will take a long time for you to study and understand the evil that he is and how and why it works. IMO, you can’t learn it fast enough, because once you do, you will have freedom.
You see, it’s kinda complicated. They don’t just want to win, they also want to see you lose. They want to manipulate you into their game. You can’t lose if you don’t play. This frustrates the hell out of them. If they can’t get you to play, they can’t win. oh darn. You aren’t reacting. Even when you win, if you win by playing their game, by wanting revenge, they are getting HIGH OFF THAT. this is their ORGASM. WHY? Because Mindy, you have become them. That’s what they wanted all along. They wanted you to focus on what they do.
Mindy, if you are familiar with the biblical accounts of the devil, you will recognize the same exact behaviors. He envies your BEING and wants you to BE him instead. He knows he is a worm, and he wants you to be a worm too.
To win against a spath, you might want to play that game with them – if you just can’t let it go and rise above it (I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND) – but when you do, don’t EVER let him know that it was you. Keep it to yourself.
Ironically, this is what my spath does. He kills, poisons and sabotages but maintains his facade. He only gloats covertly, so that he’ll never get caught.
Personally, I recommend to work on learning about them IN ORDER TO LEARN MORE ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW YOU ENDED UP WITH A SPATH. That is the ultimate win because you will grow like a giant oak.
Mindy, Yep, I agree with Skylar. It’s all about the Nirvanna of indifferance. Ahhhhhh, what bliss.
When you let go of the idea of resolution and justice, and quit fighting…when you turn away, as easily and simply as the sand-pipers move away from an incoming wave, (I read that in a daily meditation book, but it works for me) you find a new life, not one that is still enmeshed with the psychopaths agenda…controlled by him, and gratifying to him…they love the fight…they feed off the fight.
It is an absolute victory to surrender and walk away, and really, the only victory we have…but it takes a long time and a hell of a fight and a lot of wisdom to get there.
Can I say this? It is not meant to insult or to hurt anyone. It is not meant to trigger or to rile, or to imply anything, and God knows, I have been enraged and embroiled in a war…I have wanted to take down my oppressor…I have been self rightiously justified in feeling that way…but I was wrong.
I was caught up in a negative script, and playing the one man up and one man down game of the disordered personality…they have a way of pulling you in, and then, the entire relationship becomes a playground of disorder.
Being at peace is the ultimate revenge, and really the only psychologically healthy choice. Finding a spiritual meaning and an opportunity to grow and learn from this hell ride is the only way out, IMO.
As long as you stoop to the level of the spath, you are trauma bonded to the spath, as surely as if he had a yoke around your neck.
I believe that anger is normal and a neccesary part of the process, but, I believe that the end goal is to work through it and emerge a better person for having gone through it.
Sometimes, in my process of recovery, I read something that I immediately interpret as harsh criticism. I have learned that this is a “RE-action” rather than a response. I have been so conditioned to RE-act by both exspaths because I was constantly defending myself or required to “explain” myself to them. How DARE anyone question my motives or actions? How DARE they? Indeed….
Anger is an important part of the recovery process, and it just doesn’t occur and then vanish. My recovery is a series of cycles that go from anger to despair to fury to resolve. The anger, despair, and fury have become less and less of a factor, and resolve is taking more and more of an important role in this whole evolution.
Personally, I’m stumbling on my healing path on a frequent basis. But, I’m on that path and there are people around me who are there to grab at my elbow so that I don’t actually fall.
And, as I’ve typed numerous times, healing from anything is not a New Age “feel good” and spiritual epiphany. Healing is painful. Consider someone who has suffered a compound fracture. There is surgery, incisions, staples, immobility, and recovery – learning to walk, again, after being immobilized for months. The surgical site itches, burns, and can become infected (and, often does). Learning to put weight on that repaired limb is excruciatingly painful until muscle tissue is rebuilt and bone tissue begins to knit back together. As an aside, an interesting thing about a fracture is that the bone tissue will actually build up a biological “splint” to make the facture site stronger.
That is precisely what we survivors are experiencing: the pain of healing. There are “good days” and “bad days,” but time moves on and the “good days” begin to outweigh the “bad days.” This only happened when I finally purged the exspath out of my brain – he was taking up space in my mind, and that was all that I could focus upon. Well, what “he did” and my subsequent misery. Well, I’m still in a very tough situation with no legal remedy, but that’s just the way that it is, and I’m feeling more resolved about everything. I don’t like it, AT ALL – not one bit. But, there isn’t a single philosophical approach or religious/spiritual doctrine that assures me that “Life Is Fair.” It’s not. I either accept that simple, cold, and hard fact, or I spend my precious energies screaming about how unfair life is. After hearing me long enough, people tend to make my screaming into white noise, and I no longer have a voice.
Most sincere and brightest blessings to each and every one of us who is recovering and struggling. And, my most sincere appreciation for the priceless encouragement, strong words, and support.
I appreciate the many perspectives of all of the people who post on this forum. Because we are all at different stages, and pursue different ways of dealing, I’ve been able to calm down a lot and view what I’m going through as a process which has a lot in common with everyone else’s experiences, but is also my own, on my own timetable and in my own way.
I remember a time when I was about 30 years old, and I had just received news that my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. A much older woman in a group I belonged to said something to me like, “it’s not that big of a deal.” and I remember being incredibly offended at her insensitivity. Now that it has been 20 years since then, and my mother is still alive and healthy, I can see a bit of what she meant. It is a difference of where you are at, and no it was NOT what I needed to hear at the time. I found her comment shocking and cruel. But I realize now that to go through a crisis and survive and move on, well that is in a way the process of life (“not that big of a deal”), and we all just have different crises and you either get through them or you don’t. If you get through them and some years pass…. well, you are stronger from the experience and you realize that strange as it seems, through loss and grief can come incredible beauty and growth. But no, that is not something you want to hear and hard to think about at the time.
I’m grateful for my 5 decades of time on this planet because as it turns out, in my experience, this is a nice age to be. Despite the turmoil, upheaval, grief, trauma, it’s actually turning out to be a more settled phase, where I am finding my own personal power. I don’t know how much of that is a product of my experience and how much is a product of just putting in the time.
Occasionally I allow myself to look objectively at the awful things I’ve been through (in a detached way) and sometimes I think, “oh my goodness, how does she do it? How has she made it through? That’s incredible…. she is still standing!!! Whoa!!!” And I think that about a lot of our stories: the murder attempts, narrow escapes, awful physical and emotional abuse, having our children ripped away. How is it that we are still here, still standing?
I appreciate the people who post here, some older than me, some younger than me, so many different perspectives but all on our different journeys. We do have the spath experience in common.
Skylar you are so right to point out how nuanced and complex this “spath experience” is. And Truthspeak, you point to how your screaming may be heard as “white noise” to others, but I hear it differently; the experience of the yowling pain is just as important as the experience of realization, or of acceptance, or anger. And I DO hear your voice, and I appreciate your speaking, writing, screaming, ranting.
One thing I’ve learned about spaths through my experience is that, through various means, they deny or try to annihilate you, to erase your existence. This is the lowest form of disrespect possible to another human soul.
To be seen, heard, known, FULLY understood (“as is”), without trying to assimilate or destroy you is a sacred thing. To respect our oneness and our seeming separateness without being a predator or a parasite. Spaths will steal us, either try to absorb us into them, or implant themselves into us. It is a soul violation.
They will try anything to gain their object, which is to possess us, use us up, then wipe us out. They take our energy, our beauty, they use us, defile us, they sow doubts in our minds about ourselves, weaken us, poison us, slander us, as though they OWN us.
And they don’t, of course.
For me, in my recovery, I had to get this: that I still exist, that I am still myself, that I am bruised but not broken. I am intact. That it is an illusion that they have taken ANYTHING of value from me.
The disillusionment from everything I previously believed is incredibly painful and jarring. Just when I think I’m getting a handle on it, I realize it goes even deeper than I thought.
I seem to be at some kind of middle place, now. Where I no longer mourn for my lost innocence and the life I had before. Because I like being awake, better. (Still waking, still angry sometimes)
Mindy,
I discovered an older article, posted July 8, 2011, that may be of help to you – It was titled, Sociopaths, Stress, and Physical Sickness, written by a man who posts as “shocknawe.” In the article, the writer talks about how he set about recovering (naturally) from adrenal fatigue, brought on by his marriage to a spath. Hopefully, the article can give you some ideas.
Truthspeak,
I’ve been thinking about what you said re no-fault divorces. I’m finding that interesting. Would abolishing no-fault divorces help or hurt in cases of marriages to spaths?
In my case, my spath wasn’t done with me yet. I’m the one who filed for divorce. It was in a no-fault state (only type of divorce available there) and I think this made the process simpler. Otherwise, I would have had to have offered proof of “mental cruelty” and physical abuse or whatever some of the other reasons might be (as far as I know, there was no adultery in our case).
But he did not want the divorce.
I’m just wondering how much harder it would have been and how much longer it might have taken, if I’d had to prove it. Because he would have lied and made me out to be the crazy one (he did this, anyway).
But if it is the spath who wants the divorce…. how would the victim-spouse be helped if the spath hurls even more venom (probably lies) to prove his/her case?
I’m interested in your thinking on this. For “regular” marital problems, I think it should not be too easy to get a divorce, so that the spouses are encouraged and helped to work it out. But for spath marriages, the quickest possible exit with as little need as possible to have to prove the reason (which amounts to outing the spath, which tend to bring about the wrath of retaliation when you least are able to handle it) — might be more helpful?
Divorce is a humiliating, horrible process anyhow. I’m glad it was available to me.
Mindy,
another reason for not “outing” Rense is because, THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS. Imagine how much more web traffic he gets once people see the drama he’s embroiled in. He thrives on it.
Also, they love to know how hurt you are and it makes them feel powerful to know they caused it. I’ve said it before; when my spath called me to feed on my pain, he asked, “tell me what I did wrong to you? How did I hurt you?”
Now that might seem like an almost innocent question from a lover trying to understand my side of the story, wanting to hear my greviance and wanting to perhaps make amends. NOT!
I understood exactly why he asked. He was smacking his lips at hearing all the little details of my pain and how he had hurt me. He was salivating for it.
My response, in a calm, gentle voice, “Spath, you didn’t ANYTHING to me, compared to what you’ve done to yourself.”
I wish it hadn’t been on the phone so I could’ve seen his face, because I think he recognized the truth in it. He took a young 17 year old girl who loved him wholly and completely and tried to destroy her. Everyone always said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and it’s true. But he couldn’t benefit from it because he envied the good person that I was.
Mindy, in fact we CAN and DO benefit from our encounters with the spaths. I won’t tell you how YOU will benefit, because each of us do it slightly differently. It’s a matter of the old adage, “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”.
In my case ONE way I benefited is that the pain from the strychnine made me evaluate my diet. I discovered that I have celiac and some dairy intolerance. I studied nutrition like crazy and took really good care of myself. People tell me I look a lot younger than my 46 years. It’s because of the vitamins and healthy diet. No junk food, no sugar, no wheat etc… The stupid spath did me a favor in that way.
I still study spaths, even though it seems like I might already know everything there is to know, because I keep learning more new things. When I learn about them, I immediately learn about me: we are the other side of the coin.