By Ox Drover
My best friend has been visiting me and, as usual, when we get together we re-share “old stories” of “remember the time when so-and-so did such-and-such and how we laughed?”
One of those stories was a funny one about a small quarrel I had with my late husband. After relating the story, I had one of those “ah ha!” moments that applies to a lot of things in life.
My husband had a partial plate that was almost impossible for the dentist to get seated so that it did not “flop” and my husband used some of that pink goop that you put under a dental plate to keep it glued down. Every evening when he would get ready for bed, he would go into our bathroom, take the plate out, scrape the goop off, clean it, re-goop it, and then replace it into his mouth.
The pink goop, while wet, was the consistency of chewing gum, but when it dried on the sink, it became the consistency of concrete and I had to practically chisel it out to clean the sink. I offhandedly asked him if he would be sure he cleaned it out well before he went to bed and he assured me he would do so. I saw absolutely no improvement when I went to clean the sink the next time and I became irritated.
I asked him again to please make sure he got it ALL when he cleaned the sink and he assured me he would. Again, when I noticed that there was still no improvement, and now quite irritated, I started to nag him about how inconsiderate he was to make me have to chisel this stuff out of the sink, when it would be so simple for him to wipe it out when it was still moist.
He patiently listened to my tirade then said, “Honey, I am trying, but because it is pink, and I am color blind I can’t see it!”
Well, you can only imagine how small and awful I felt. About one inch high! Of course I knew he was partly color blind, so I should have known he couldn’t see it! His “reality” was not the same as “my reality” because we looked at the same sink and saw different things.
Blind to emotion
After thinking about this story in more detail and more depth, I think that the psychopath is maybe not “color” blind, but they are “blind to emotions” that we can see. Because we can see those things so clearly, we try to explain to them what we think is obvious, and “right before your eyes.” However, just as my husband could look at the sink and only see the “clean white” sink, and I could see the pink globs turning to concrete “right before my eyes,” our misunderstanding was because of the “different reality” that each of us saw.
A psychopath, who is unable to comprehend the “emotions” that go with words like “love” and “caring,” might think. “We are having sex, sex feels good, therefore, I love her. But because sex feels good with others as well, I don’t know why she gets so upset when I have sex with someone else. ”
We would think, though, because our “vision” is different, “we are having sex and the sex is good because we love and care about each other. Because we love each other, we will treat each other well. Treating each other well means we will not purposely do things that hurt the other one.”
My irritation with my husband was because I could see the pink blobs plainly, and I assumed that he could see them as well, and thought he was refusing to wipe them out. In fact, he was making an effort to wipe out the sink, but because he could not perceive them, he had no idea when they were gone, and his only “reality” was that the sink looked clean to him.
Family and friends
I also think this same “reality is what you see” can be applied to our friends and family members who “don’t see” what we see in the psychopath. There is a common thread among victims that “my friends don’t understand what I have been through” and “my friends don’t believe me that he is evil.”
Our friends and family members who “don’t get it” don’t see the same “reality” that we see. They are unable to draw the same conclusions that we draw, and therefore it is difficult for them to believe the same things about the psychopath that we believe. We can see things about the psychopath that they can’t see, just as I could see the pink globs and my husband couldn’t. Our realities were not the same. We didn’t see the same thing, even though we looked at the same thing.
Sometimes though we can see clearly the toxicity of the psychopath, our friends may not. They are sometimes “color blind” to the ability of a psychopath to be the way they can be. They are unable to see, to perceive, what we so clearly see as truth. These people cannot validate our vision, and they didn’t even have a way to know that their vision is defective, like my husband did. He knew he was color blind and couldn’t see certain colors, and because he believed I was honest and had good color vision, he took my word for the fact that the pink goop was there. Unfortunately, most of our friends and family are not aware that their vision is “blind” in this sort of situation. Just as the person who is color blind doesn’t know what color looks like, the person who has never personally experienced the true vision of a psychopath, has difficulty seeing this vision, even when it is before their very face.
We aren’t crazy (though sometimes others think we are!) our vision is REAL and our vision is VALID, and so is theirs, as far as they are concerned. I know it frustrated me for people about whom I cared and thought cared about me, could not “see” what I so clearly saw where my egg donor or my psychopathic son were concerned. I now realize these people cannot see what I see, cannot accept what I have finally so painfully accepted. Realizing that these people are blind in this sphere makes it easier for me to accept that they can’t “see” and can’t “get it.” Just as I had to accept that my husband was doing the best he could to clean the pink goop off the sink, but his vision prohibited him seeing it, I have to accept that those people who have a “blind spot” where psychopaths are concerned are doing the best they can with the somewhat “limited” vision that they are capable of. I also realize that my own vision was somewhat “limited” before the “scales fell from my eyes” and I could truly see the psychopaths.
My vision is my reality. The vision of others is their reality. Maybe those things will never be the same, but it doesn’t mean my reality is not valid. It also doesn’t mean that they are purposely doubting me, it just means that their vision is not the same as mine.
Just like the mythical “vampire” doesn’t show up in a mirror, psychopaths, don’t always appear in their true form in the vision of those who behold them. Just like the soiled sink with its pink globs appeared perfectly clean to my husband, with his limited color vision, psychopaths appear “perfectly normal” to those who do not have the sphere of vision capable of “seeing” them for what they truly are.
Wow, it just keeps amazing me how much gets written here!
PINow, sorry I made you cry — and you know what, my sister saw his “tail and horns” – she called him on a bunch of stuff he was doing. He was surprised that she was the one to not like him, because, as he said “she knows how to live a double life too” Yeah, I have a sister who calls herself by another name, like the man I keep struggling to rid myself of.
I was fascinated by this line from you:
They are very kin, attentive, like sponges. (or, should I say like toddlers?)
Like toddlers — mine has claimed that he has some kind of braindamange, and perhaps he does, and the result is a sort of retarded development pattern. Much of the time he acts like a 5 year old! And he views the world with the immediacy and truthfulness of a kid, too, which is one of the things that intrigued me about him. He helped me see the world with that sort of immediacy, which I really loved. Being with him was often like being in an exotic foreign country where you’re seeing everything with the wonder of seeing it for the first time. He even considers himself to be like a kid, so much so that he fairly recently accused me of “robbing the cradle,” despite the fact that we’re both in our 50s, and he’s only a year younger than me!
I have to admit I saw him last night. Lord knows why, except that I had to, just had to see if I was strong enough to see him and retain my own identity. Hmmmm the verdict is still out on that. I’m swooning a little this a.m. He is so damned gorgeous. It’s kind of interesting to see how he responds to me, too, since I don’t scream and yell, I simply keep demanding to be by myself and to do my own thing. I think that’s stumped him, almost completely.
I know, I should change my phone number. I know I know. But I’ve moved so many times, and it would take so much damned work to change my phone number — so many people have it! And he knows that, too. . .
Style1, your message is oh so important “those gut instincts are there for a reason.”
yes indeed.
Thanks for the kind words on the post..When I do write here, I always feel so good…nothing is more theraputic..Everyone is SO on the same page…
OX, I loved your article because it kinda gives us an OUT, a different way to look at it. If their reality IS what it IS, then there is NOTHING to do but leave. We can’t kick ourselves over something that simply and absolutley CAN NOT be changed. Once we realize that – I mean REALLY realize that – it becomes suddenly so much easier to go NC.
To Erin…and Kim who wrote “I loved what you said to the folks who are struggeling with trying to get free”.It will happen.”
It’s amazing about the moment when it is FINALLY over, isn’t it? I let my P come and go and do what he pleased at the expense of my sanity for ten years and I’m sure – now that I’ve shut him out, cut him off – he feels completely wronged. He’d disappear, reappear, find an excuse to leave, come back. For the last year or two I was on the “two weeks on, two weeks off” rotation and I could almost tell you the very moment when he’d knock on the door or call again. I was always torn – I could demand answers, risk an early departure, and just extend the horrific anxiety or I could shut up, pout a little, have good sex, and enjoy an anxiety-free week or so until he – for whatever reason (my time was up!) – he’d have a fit, pack his stuff, and storm out. And then the cycle would begin again. He runined every holiday, birthday for me and my son – EVERY SINGLE ONE – for ten years. I could always tell when he was up to something because he’d start accusing me of ridiculous shit out of the blue. I learned – through reading LF and extensive research – to figure out what HE was doing by paying close attention to the things he was accusing ME of (they are really such idiots).
The night I discovered LF – and the true meaning of the word narcissist, the signs, symptoms, behaviors – I literally threw up right at my desk. I suddenly knew the awful truth – that it would never end, there was no way to fix ANYTHING, and worst of all, that my gut instincts this entire time were SPOT ON! Throughout the next year, the dynamics of everything he did took on a new meaning and it was like I was writing a case book study in my head. It made me sick. But, even though I knew the truth, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’d cry and cry and feel such despair. It often felt so much worse because I KNEW. I sometimes wished I’d NEVER found my way to LF, to the truth. There was less anxiety in really NOT knowing, in just IMAGINING what he was doing on the slight possibility that maybe he really WASN’T doing it.
Then, about six months into the discovery year and about three months before I went NC, for some reason I started to feel slightly empowered at my knowing the truth. One night, after listening to a bunch of lies, I simple looked at him and calmly said, “You know what – I’m ON to you. You can tell me whatever you want, but I’m ON to you. You just remember that.” He threw a FIT!! Instead of asking me – like a normal person might – what I meant by that, he just had a tantrum and, of course, left. From then on, whenever he showed back up, would hang for awhile, and then start his antics, I’d always say that – “I’m ON to you” at the appropriate moments and, trust me, it DID shut him up, quiet him down, stop even HIM from spouting his foolishness. I offered no explanation for it. Sometimes I might say, “You know EXACTLY what that means” and he’d just stare at me with that ridiculous blank, deer-caught-in-the-headlights look he’d get when faced with his own psychotic idiocy.
My point is…slowly but surely, I got stronger without even knowing it…until that final day when I let him go once and for all. My son was in the next room that day and he does this great impression of me calmly yelling out from my room this cocky ” Buh-BYE-now!” as the P stormed out on what he didn’t know was his very last day in THIS girl’s reality!!!!!
Every girl with a P – let your heart not be troubled!!! It’s your Divine Right to be happy and, I promise you, that your incredible moment WILL come!
Luckyzb,
Thank you so much for your post. It shows that even if it takes time, there is a way out of these entanglements.
Thank you so much Oxy, for your wonderful long post to me. I do appreciate that you took the time to do that for me, so I feel very blessed by that. You are SO RIGHT!! you are 63, I am 70, and we are on the ‘last trimester” of our lives. Our p. partners, parents, siblings, and P offspring have STOLEN ENOUGH of our lives, like you said, drawing a line in the sand is no good, we have to chisel it “IN STONE!!And it serves no useful purpose to continually torture myself with false guilt —{coulda, woulda shoulda!}. The fact is that we DID THE BEST WE KNEW HOW, and now that we know better, we are doing better. Like you , I am skittering between the various stages of grief, and they are no means in order, or set in stone. felings rise up in me, and I go with them Its like a wave crashing over my head, I cant avoid it.Regret, anger, grief, fury and rage, resentment, false guilt, regret,on and on and on. But at last now Im learning to feel the feeling and let it go.Your so right, LIFE IS VERY SHORT, lets celebrate it, enjoy it, and live it to the full!.A happy fulfilled life is the best revenge over these alien ps. THANK GOD we CAN feel, we are not like them! Like you I gave birth to 2 Ps,{you had one,}but we are not responsible for all their genetic make- up.
Whenever I start to feel sorry for my older daughter, I remember the horrible things she has done, that she has no remorse, and that she does NOT love me, she has only ever used me. NO MORE!! Your right, too, re being happy in myself, but its such a blessing and a bonus,to enjoy our lovely new family, who, in one year, have given us so much love!Any chance, Oxy, of you getting permission to email me? Id love to send you some pics of David and I with our new “KIDS!!” {If you dont wish to do so, thats OK too. Much Love again, dear Sister!!and HUGS!!! gem.XXX
Dear Gem,
I am glad that you know all my “boinking” you is in love and with the best initentions. It literally makes me furious at how WE suffer for what they did and what they are! We do not deserve that and I am determined—my inner Erin B—to drive them out of my life, my thoughts, my emotons!
There are only two choices, live in regret or get the heck on with the REST OF MY LIFE! I am going to do the latter! I have wasted 3/4 (if I’m lucky) of my life as it is and I’m not going to waste the rest of it. I think about our lovely friend Lily, and how she hurt so much for those seven years she had without her P X and yet, the grief she had from her P or duped kids kept her in misery the entire time she could have been LIVING. I still have not been able to contact her so I don’t know what has happened. Why don’t you send her a card and maybe if she is still in a nursing home or rehabilitation place they will forward it on to her. I don’t think there is much chance (knowing what I do about her medical condition etc) that she has returned home. She would have contacted me if she were not gravely ill.
Today was a lovely day though—off line all day as son D was working on my new computer transferring data—so I cleaned house and sewed, entertained my cousin for a short visit, and just had a great day! (weather crappy though!@.......) But I thought how great just to ENJOY every minute of the day!
Just keep on counting your blessings, Gem! You’re a spunky lady and I need you here to help me Keep Henry “in line!” LOL ((((hugs))) and my prayers for you!
Geminigirl,
Well mamma Gem I think you have more “adoptive” girls than you even know! I know that those of us who hold you dear to our heart here on LF are not the same as having the relationship you so DESERVED to have with your own girls. I know it isn’t the same. But you are loved…..You seem like a very sweet and wonderful, caring, lady. And it comes “through” in your thoughtful post.
It is natural for your emotions to swing back and forth with your daughters. This is a very hard thing you are doing. Letting go. Thank goodness we have Oxy to keep boinking us to let us know that we will survive this. Because if Oxy didn’t tell me that it CAN be done, I know I wouldn’t believe that it was possible.
Dear Witty,
Thank you for that vote of confidence, but I KNOW you could do anything you set your mind to do—you were just afraid of my skillet! LOL
How did your show go? Did you knock them dead? It was pouring rain today so we didn’t take the trailer load of “treasures” up to the auction as they would just have set out side and gotten ruined anyway, but hopefully next week will be better weather, or the next. No hurry on this, can keep piling more stuff on the trailer. I’m afraid we may never run out of “treasures” to dispose of. son D took the trash trailer to the dump three times last week!
How is your doggie doing BTW? We haven’t heard since the day after you got him back from the vet.
Well, I’m going to check out for tonight! you night owls keep the trolls away and for goodness sakes, don’t respond to any! the ones lately have sure been LAME! LOL Goo’nite! (((hugs)))) and God bless us every one!
Oxy,
My show was good! I was really lucky and didn’t sell quantity so much, but I sold some of the quality pieces that I brought with me.
My friend and I didn’t unload the trailer either as we have one more show this weekend and that is it until Spring….Yikes….I have to make that money last for awile. Winter is always scarey for me when it comes to money. If my vehicle breaks down I am screwed, or anything major like that. I just don’t have the ability to make any extra money in the winter. So I keep my fingers crossed.
My sweet dog responded pretty well to the medications. So I think he is doing pretty good. But one of the meds (the steroids ??) makes him VERY thirsty. He drinks several bowls of water each day now! And yes, he then has to go outside all the time. I was worried over the time when I was gone that my son wouldn’t be letting him out often enough because he stayed at grandpas and was not close by enough to check on him often.
Every once in awile he still walks a little bow legged in his back legs but his pain seems to have gone away. So I hope his condition isn’t a cronic thing he will suffer with.
We found a lost dog today in our yard. It still had a part of his chain attatched to his collar so it was obvious he broke away from someones yard. A very good looking husky. Of course the pound was already closed for the day so I put in a call on the voice mail. And put the dog in my garage until morning. Lucky for this dog the night dispatch called and had found the owner as they had called in and left a message that they had lost their dog. I LOVE happy endings. I am a sucker for lost/stray dogs……
Dear Ox,
I wrote telling you about my ex P. and how he had successfully manipulated my family. I received a phone call last night from my father. It turns out HE was not taken by the P at all. He wanted to get him out of the state and just have him gone. We talked for a long time and while others still believe the P., my father and I have reunited. He also filled me in on just how things were manipulated and done and it was like hearing a repeat of how things had been done to me. It’s good to know there is someone out there who sees him for what he really is. Wanted to share this with you. 🙂
Cat
I’m about to go to my Dr. to get checked out for anything that my S might have passed onto me. With all his lies I thought it was better to be safe. He’s been so inconsistent with what he’s told me about his past that I just dont know what to think.
On a different note Kim Fredrick i know exactly what you mean when you said “I knew I was miserable, I lived with a sense of impending doom, I was depressed, lonely angry sad, frusrated and poweless” My S used this as the excuse to dump me. I wasn’t happy enough for him, I always negative and bringing him down. What he could never see and what he still refuses to see is the way he contributed to this. How else am I supposed to act when I’m told that my clothes are not good enough therefore he cannot take me out to dinner. How else am I supposed to feel after one discussion where trying to get my point across I happened to say to him ” no idiot, what I’m trying to say is…” and then to be denied breakfast as a lesson for me to think about what I had done(to me I thought we were having a playful, lighthearted discussion, and my comment was meant affectionately). What I am supposed to do when he shows me no affection, when you tell someone you adore them and are met with utter silence. Like I said in a previous post, these are little things to an outsiders eyes, but when they are so abundant, they chip away you until you are nothing.
This man chased me like a dog, to the point where family and friends nicknamed him “pepe le pew” like the cartoon character. He was verging on stalker territory. It went from complete obsession on his part, to being completely horrible to me. I even remember begging him to talk to me to tell me what was wrong with us and telling him this is not like you, I dont even know who you are anymore.
It wasnt enough that he’s completely destroyed me, he wants to help me get over this breakup and will do anything to make things easier for me. He tells me lets not forget who put us in this situation (me apparently), and how much he did to save our relationship. That he is concerned for me and that he wants to see me do well, both mental health wise and career wise. My mental health and career were just fine before him!!
That was the story a few weeks ago. Now it’s like I don’t exist. I know this is probably the best thing that could happen, but we work in the same office, it’s small and not even be acknowledged is humiliating. (Did I mention that he dumped me via text message and then has the nerve to sit across from everyday at work like business as usual) It’s like a switch went off in his head and he was over it.
I think I’ve finally figured out what hurts the most. Its the feeling of being robbed of your basic dignity as a human being at every level, from the way you now perceive yourself to how others see the pathetic person I have become.