By Ox Drover
My best friend has been visiting me and, as usual, when we get together we re-share “old stories” of “remember the time when so-and-so did such-and-such and how we laughed?”
One of those stories was a funny one about a small quarrel I had with my late husband. After relating the story, I had one of those “ah ha!” moments that applies to a lot of things in life.
My husband had a partial plate that was almost impossible for the dentist to get seated so that it did not “flop” and my husband used some of that pink goop that you put under a dental plate to keep it glued down. Every evening when he would get ready for bed, he would go into our bathroom, take the plate out, scrape the goop off, clean it, re-goop it, and then replace it into his mouth.
The pink goop, while wet, was the consistency of chewing gum, but when it dried on the sink, it became the consistency of concrete and I had to practically chisel it out to clean the sink. I offhandedly asked him if he would be sure he cleaned it out well before he went to bed and he assured me he would do so. I saw absolutely no improvement when I went to clean the sink the next time and I became irritated.
I asked him again to please make sure he got it ALL when he cleaned the sink and he assured me he would. Again, when I noticed that there was still no improvement, and now quite irritated, I started to nag him about how inconsiderate he was to make me have to chisel this stuff out of the sink, when it would be so simple for him to wipe it out when it was still moist.
He patiently listened to my tirade then said, “Honey, I am trying, but because it is pink, and I am color blind I can’t see it!”
Well, you can only imagine how small and awful I felt. About one inch high! Of course I knew he was partly color blind, so I should have known he couldn’t see it! His “reality” was not the same as “my reality” because we looked at the same sink and saw different things.
Blind to emotion
After thinking about this story in more detail and more depth, I think that the psychopath is maybe not “color” blind, but they are “blind to emotions” that we can see. Because we can see those things so clearly, we try to explain to them what we think is obvious, and “right before your eyes.” However, just as my husband could look at the sink and only see the “clean white” sink, and I could see the pink globs turning to concrete “right before my eyes,” our misunderstanding was because of the “different reality” that each of us saw.
A psychopath, who is unable to comprehend the “emotions” that go with words like “love” and “caring,” might think. “We are having sex, sex feels good, therefore, I love her. But because sex feels good with others as well, I don’t know why she gets so upset when I have sex with someone else. ”
We would think, though, because our “vision” is different, “we are having sex and the sex is good because we love and care about each other. Because we love each other, we will treat each other well. Treating each other well means we will not purposely do things that hurt the other one.”
My irritation with my husband was because I could see the pink blobs plainly, and I assumed that he could see them as well, and thought he was refusing to wipe them out. In fact, he was making an effort to wipe out the sink, but because he could not perceive them, he had no idea when they were gone, and his only “reality” was that the sink looked clean to him.
Family and friends
I also think this same “reality is what you see” can be applied to our friends and family members who “don’t see” what we see in the psychopath. There is a common thread among victims that “my friends don’t understand what I have been through” and “my friends don’t believe me that he is evil.”
Our friends and family members who “don’t get it” don’t see the same “reality” that we see. They are unable to draw the same conclusions that we draw, and therefore it is difficult for them to believe the same things about the psychopath that we believe. We can see things about the psychopath that they can’t see, just as I could see the pink globs and my husband couldn’t. Our realities were not the same. We didn’t see the same thing, even though we looked at the same thing.
Sometimes though we can see clearly the toxicity of the psychopath, our friends may not. They are sometimes “color blind” to the ability of a psychopath to be the way they can be. They are unable to see, to perceive, what we so clearly see as truth. These people cannot validate our vision, and they didn’t even have a way to know that their vision is defective, like my husband did. He knew he was color blind and couldn’t see certain colors, and because he believed I was honest and had good color vision, he took my word for the fact that the pink goop was there. Unfortunately, most of our friends and family are not aware that their vision is “blind” in this sort of situation. Just as the person who is color blind doesn’t know what color looks like, the person who has never personally experienced the true vision of a psychopath, has difficulty seeing this vision, even when it is before their very face.
We aren’t crazy (though sometimes others think we are!) our vision is REAL and our vision is VALID, and so is theirs, as far as they are concerned. I know it frustrated me for people about whom I cared and thought cared about me, could not “see” what I so clearly saw where my egg donor or my psychopathic son were concerned. I now realize these people cannot see what I see, cannot accept what I have finally so painfully accepted. Realizing that these people are blind in this sphere makes it easier for me to accept that they can’t “see” and can’t “get it.” Just as I had to accept that my husband was doing the best he could to clean the pink goop off the sink, but his vision prohibited him seeing it, I have to accept that those people who have a “blind spot” where psychopaths are concerned are doing the best they can with the somewhat “limited” vision that they are capable of. I also realize that my own vision was somewhat “limited” before the “scales fell from my eyes” and I could truly see the psychopaths.
My vision is my reality. The vision of others is their reality. Maybe those things will never be the same, but it doesn’t mean my reality is not valid. It also doesn’t mean that they are purposely doubting me, it just means that their vision is not the same as mine.
Just like the mythical “vampire” doesn’t show up in a mirror, psychopaths, don’t always appear in their true form in the vision of those who behold them. Just like the soiled sink with its pink globs appeared perfectly clean to my husband, with his limited color vision, psychopaths appear “perfectly normal” to those who do not have the sphere of vision capable of “seeing” them for what they truly are.
Dear R-babe,
Sometimes we need to NOT talk to others who really don’t get it, and we don’t need to LISTEN to others when they tell us ABOUT him or what he is doing now, that is actually an emotional way of breaking NC. Don’t look at his MYSPACE page or FACEBOOK or anything else. Have as little MENTAL contact as you can.
Sometimes our friends just want the “gossip” about how we are doing or what he is up to—so DON’T talk to those people who are just digging for “information” and not really trying to comfort you. If they start to talk about him or ask about him, just say,”I’d rather not talk about it, thank youj for understanding” and if they continue to push, repeat that once and then WALK AWAY.
Your 1 or 2 REAL friends (if you are fortunate to have any that get it) are the only ones safe to talk to about it and you can tell them your FEELINGS—if you don’t have those friends who get it, COME HERE–WE ALL GET IT!!!
Yes, Witty has a good idea, give him a “name” like “The Bad Man” which is what Aloha named hers, or the “jerk” or whatever name you want and refer to him as that rather than “Bob” or whatever name really is.
DO NOT put a TIME deadline on getting over this, 1-2 years is probably a minimum, but however long it takes is however long it takes. Don’t let anyone else tell you it has been enough time either. YOU are the ONLY one who can determine when it is over.
Also, this is a “caution” note—don’t get the idea that a new relationship will heal anything because we have to heal FIRST before we seek out a relationship that is healthy. Too many times people start dating again before they have fully healed and BINGO “round two” with the first psychopath that comes along. After my husband died, I picked up on a P to “save” me from my lonliness and grief—yea, that REALLY WORKED OUT! NOT!!! LOL ROTFLMAO
So realize that being in grief is a thing that makes you more vulnerable to further attack. You got away from this one alive but injured, so hunker down and heal before you get out there where another PREDATOR can see you and move in for an “EASY KILL.”
I must have been waving a SIGN that said “Hey, predators, I’m over here, I’m a recent widow and really needy, PICK ME!”
And gosh, if one didn’t hone right in!
Give yourself some slack! It is normal, natural and TO BE EXPECTED that one day you are doing great and the next day in the PITS—thats the way the grief process works. Sad one day, bargaining the next, angry the next, denial, and back to sad….on and on, rinse and repeat in whatever order until you come to acceptence, but then you even go back to the first four afteer getting there, but then bounce back to it. It takes a few tries and then eventually you get to accepting what IS and the other emotions are no longer needed to help you heal, you are there and you will STAY there. It’s OKAY. It takes timje and you can’t get a baby in 1 month by getting 9 women pregnant, it just takes some time for the process to unfold. ((((hugs))))
It has taken me 12 years to wake up and realize that my husband is a sociopath. Now that I know it, it is an absolute truth for me. It is MY reality.
My children are having problems in school and they were tested for ADD, anxiety, and depression. Now that they have been diagnosed, the counseling will begin.
Today I met with the counselor for the first time. I told her about everything the boys have been through in the past few years, including seeing their dad and their 1/2 sister having sex. I told her specific details about my husbands behaviors and personality including his inability to honor obligations, his manipulation, his narcissistic comments, etc. Then I told her that I believe that my husband has Antisocial Personality Disorder
… and then I got that look from her. I’ve seen it before.
What is that look? Doubt? Did that look mean “leave the diagnosis to the professionals”? Did it mean “You’re the crazy one”?
I can give 12 years of specific examples that demonstrate every symptom of sociopathy as it relates to my husband. So why that look?
My nurse brain is telling me that you can’t fix a problem until you find the cause. I know why I’m a wreck and why me and my boys need therapy … it’s because we’ve been living with a sociopath. Don’t you think it would be helpful for them to know that too?
I’m certain that I’m not the only one here who has gotten that look. What do you recommend? Do you tell them what you believe … or do you give them an account of the dysfunctional behaviors and wait for them to figure it out on their own? What do you do when you get that look?
If I had any doubts, I would not have said anything … but I know I am right. Going to this website and reading everyone’s stories only confirms my belief. The Sociopaths you describe sound JUST LIKE MY HUSBAND!! Why can’t the therapists see it too?
That look frustrates me because I know that I am right and yet they are full of doubt.
toolate/justintime – your bottom line is that you know what he is. you are firm in that. now how you communicate that is a piece that you will learn.
when you get the look, challenge it. say something like, i see a certain look on your face, or i notice the conversation has…and what is that about? …..and let THEM OWN THEIR SHIT.
Don’t take it on in any way. once they question themselves and verbalize their beliefs THEN you can address their ideas.
Do NOT get befuddled by their befuddlement.
think of all of the things they might say to you and work out answers for each. be calm. they are ignorant and ignorance, being slightly narcissistic, will need s moment for understanding to be ‘its’ idea.
your ‘rightness’ is not in opposition to their ‘doubt.’ you get to change and control the paradigm.
i haven’t used this with spathiness, but i have used it in situations with authorities, irate family, etc. around other contentious social issues where the others’ ignorance was stupendous.
Dear Too Late,
It must be so frustrating. So many of us know we are right, yet in expressing it to others – we end up looking like aliens or crazy ourselves.
One suggestion would be to just focus on the boys issues with the counselor. Not necessarily what got them there (there can be numerous reasons) but one way to handle it is to “de-brief” them with the matter at hand…the diagnosis… ADD, anxiety, depression…inquire how they treat that, what the options are and LET THE BOYS work with the counsellor/therapist to get them to share what they saw, what they felt, what they experienced. Its a slower approach, but in the end the truth always comes out – and sadly when it involves parents — it becomes this breeding ground for he said/she said. Let the kids go through the process of therapy/counselling.
It may not be a look of doubt. Just a look of “uncomfortableness” with regard to how to respond to all that you just shared with her. Remember people who dont experience it firsthand have a hard time processing it —
So far youve done all the right things…getting them tested, beginning counseling and even sharing your side of the story. But dont forget there are a few ways to fix the problem — and getting to the root of the cause is definitely one of them — but where your kids are concerned it may mean going through the process of letting them express, share and work with a counselor at a slower pace, the way many therapists deal with ADD, anxiety and depression…it has to come from the individuals own experience and by peeling off the layers one at a time…
If it makes you feel more comfortable just call her and tell her you felt you may have overwhelmed her with what you said – but you felt it was important she know the history from your perspective. And that you hope she will take everything you shared into consideration – but approach the children as she would all children dealing with ADD, anxiety and depression and develop a relationship with them so as to enable them to share and open up about their experience that ultimately led them to have a need for counseling and healing…
I watched this today and I found it very painful, that sense of not believing your own memories spoke to me, and the suffocating….:( so I thought I’d get some LF take….? x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Io8GBVqYahM&feature=youtube_gdata
To me, I think this girl with(I dont know if it’s been diagnosed) BPD , (projection? Maybe not I dont know) Is displaying all the stuff I did:( It’s so hard for me right now to make the kind of excuses I used to…
🙁
The line “what else did she clear up for me that I was confused about?” …. well now I am back to the brain falling out of nose thing….
Dear TooLate,
Talk to the therapist about your PERCEPTION of her “look”–it is quite possible, that SHE DOES NOT KNOW A PSYCHOPATH WHEN SHE SEES ONE—NOT EVERY THERAPIST GETS IT.
IF she doesn’t get it, GET ANOTHER THERAPIST!
Many of us h ere have had therapists who did not GET IT. So put her on the hot seat and ask her DIRECTLY.
“The look on your face last time when I said that my husband is a psychopath (or whatever word you use) seemed to me to convey that you didn’t believe me, or that you thought I didn’t know what I was talking about. WOULD YOU PLEASE CLARIFY this for me?”
AXIS II diagnoses are not made by therapists as often as they should be, (that includes all the personality disorders) because there is NO REAL TREATMENT OR IIMPROVEMENT in AxiS II PDs and because some therapists (even psychiatrists) seem to think that ANYone can be “helped”—BULL HOCKEY!
Just as you wouldn’t go to a physician who wanted to treat your broken leg with a band aid, don’t go to a therapist who doesn’t GET IT when you tell her your “LEG IS BROKEN” and thinks you don’t have sense enough to see your foot is facing BACKWARDS! If you are a nurse, you have had some psych training and education (interestingly enough there are plenty of therapists and medical professionals here! LOL) so VALIDATE YOURSELF about your perception of her “look.” I’ve seen it myself. ((hugs))))
Update: I did write to the counselor I met with. She told me that I am doing a lot of “right things” … “more than you know”.
It was a relief to me. No more wondering and silence. From now on I will voice my perceptions and concerns.
I did go to my daughter’s art website. I found a journal post directed toward me. It was very negative. Maybe I shouldn’t have responded to her, but I did. Below, I have posted her comments (in quotation marks) and my comments following them. Now that I said what I needed to, I feel like I can move on.
Was I wrong to post this response to her?
Oddly enough, her post would have upset me a month ago, but now I am more understanding of it. It’s not her fault. Here goes:
From Fire-Horse-66 (at deviantArt.com)
“What do you call someone who;
lies
cheats
backstabs
destroys
then pretends to be your friend?”
I don’t want to be your friend. I am your mother, your parent. That is what I want and that is what I am. There is a big difference between a friend and a parent. I don’t expect you to know what it feels like to be a parent because you have not experienced that yet to my knowledge. A good parent HAS to do what is in the best interest of the child, even if the child doesn’t like it. A good parent worries about their child, no matter what.
“WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE?
who,
tries to shred your life into little pieces”
I never tried to shred your life into little pieces. What are you referring to here? Is it about the child abuse charges?
FACT: It was your brother, not me, who confessed that his dad was sleeping with his sister.
FACT: I told the officer who questioned me “I don’t care if XXX (state) or XXX (state) presses charges against my husband or not. I don’t want to cause trouble for my him. I don’t even care if they crown him King of XXX (state) and he lives happily ever after. The only thing I want is to have him out of my life, and I am doing that by seeking a divorce.” Don’t believe me? Ask the officer!
Did you ever stop to consider how the knowledge of incest might have affected your brother(s)? Do you love them so much that you want them to know that it’s okay if dads and daughters have sex with each other? As a parent, I am worried about the effects of my husband’s decision on the boys.
FACT: Allegations of child abuse are mandatory reporting by all people in counseling, nursing, physicians, and others in similar “public” positions. Failure to report allegations made will result in loss of license and position. Do you think I’m going to lose my RN license (that I worked so hard to get) to protect my loser, sociopathic husband? I’ve given him ALL I am going to give!
FACT: Father/daughter and STEPFATHER/daughter incest are the most common forms of incest. Even if the daughter is consenting to sex with the father or stepfather, it is still considered child abuse. It is illegal. You don’t have to believe me ” look it up online. Did he tell you it was okay because you are not related by blood? He’s wrong.
My oldest son (10 years old) said to me “That’s not nice, right mom, because he’s married to you?”. For Christ’s sake! Even a 10 year old knows it’s wrong!!!! I could have cried when he said that. He should have never witnessed such a thing. Are YOU okay with that?
Did my husband tell you that I dragged the information out of them? Honestly, I never asked them about you and my husband because it never occurred to me. Maybe I am stupid and ignorant. The boys were here for a full 2 months before they even brought it up. I was shocked ” but then again ” it explained a lot about the past. I did not get excited or make a big deal about it when they told me. I only listened.
Yeah, yeah, you deny the allegations. Do YOU want to look in your brother’s green eyes and tell him that he didn’t see what he says he saw? Go ahead. Tell HIM the truth.
When I suspected that something was going on between you and my husband in XXX (state), my husband made me feel like I was the crazy one. He made me doubt my own feelings, he said I was just jealous ” when all along, I was RIGHT to feel that way. That’s what sociopaths do! They take advantage of your doubt, of yourself, and make you feel guilty. THAT’s how they control you!
“who thinks herself more than she is.
Thinks herself God”
I have never ONCE in my life claimed to be God or Godlike. I do not think that I am more than I am. I am often admitting that I am not perfect and that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. My husband, on the other hand, is well known to say “I am a Demi-God, worship me!”. Just joking? Yeah right.
Please do not presume to know what I think.
My husband often told me “it’s all your fault” in a joking manner ” but I came to find out later that he really MEANT it. He also didn’t hesitate to share this with everyone he knew. He spoke bad about me to my own children.
His sons say “I don’t want to live with dad because he says bad things about people.”
What do YOU think? Does he ever speak highly of ANYONE? Everyone’s an idiot except him. Do you think you are the exception in his eyes? Dream on.
“What do you call someone,
WHO THINKS YOUR STUPID, DUMB, BRAINWASHED, BRAINLESS”
I have NEVER called you stupid, dumb, brainwashed, or brainless. Not even when you were not around. I cannot say the same thing about my husband. He trashes EVERYONE when they are not there to defend themselves.
FACT: I think you are smart, talented, fun, and easygoing. I love to be in your company. I think you have a wonderful personality and that you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to. I do not think you’re brainwashed. I think you are a victim of child abuse. I know that you are legally an adult now, but I know that you have been victimized by by my husband for several years. It is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! That is what I REALLY think!
“then comes up, grinning like a heyena saying
LIVE BY MY RULES, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. YOUR REALLY JUST A ROBOT AFTERALL.”
FACT: I said I could offer you a safe place and I set my boundaries. I told you what I could offer you and what you could expect from me. If you CHOOSE to live with me, yes, you have to live by my rules. That’s how it works when you’re an adult. When you have a home, and pay all of the bills, you make the rules of that home. Of course, I didn’t TELL you that you HAVE to live with me and follow my rules. You can choose to live on your own and make your own rules.
I don’t think you’re a robot. I never said that and I never implied that.
“What do you call someone,
who
ABANDONS and STEALS from you
then pretends
like it’s really,
all your fault.
because she herself is faultless”
I am not faultless. I have a LOT of faults. I am trying to be a better person, but like everyone else on this planet, it takes time to improve myself.
I NEVER abandoned you. I never intended to abandon you. I gave you a choice and you CHOSE to stay with my husband. You can believe that I planned to abandon you, but since it NEVER happened, you will never know for sure, will you?
I never blamed you for staying with my husband. It was your choice and your choice alone. I do miss you, but I have accepted your choice.
What have I stolen from you? Are you referring to your brothers? I AM THEIR MOTHER!!!! They are MINE! You are their sister. You have the choice to live with them, but you reject that.
Are you referring to all of the gold that’s in the pawn shop? I PAID FOR THAT with my OWN money that I got from HARD work. It belongs to me, even though it is STILL in the pawn shop.
Are you referring to the $2,000 savings bond that my husband insisted we cash in and spend 12 years ago? I didn’t want to do that, but HE insisted. I fell for all of his crap, and for that I am truly sorry.
He has made a lot of promises to you. HOLD HIM TO IT!
I can guarantee you now that he will not be able to fulfill those promises. Did you ever ask yourself WHY he is giving you everything your heart desires? Is it really because he’s supporting you and loves you, or is it because he wants to isolate you from others and have sex with you? He likes teenagers. What do you think will happen when you get out of your teen years? Is he going to love you if you get pregnant? Will he love you if you get fat? Will he love you if you wanted friends your own age? He wants you right where he has you. If you are okay with that, then you have my love and support.
Think about it.
I love you whether you are 500 pounds and an emotional wreck. or whether you are 100 pounds and emotionally stable. I love you NO MATTER WHAT.
“WHAT DO YOU CALL SOMEONE
who acts like a child
who can’t be mature or fair
who can’t keep a promise”
I’m not sure what you are referring to here, but I accept your feelings about it. I am told by your brothers that I am fair to them. Maybe they are wrong. Maybe that’s something I have to improve on. Childish? Maybe. Can you give me some examples?
Does my husband have to honor all of HIS promises? How about to love, honor, and cherish til death do us part? I don’t remember anything about “physical and emotional rejection on a daily basis daily for 8 years until I can fuck your daughter while you’re at work.”
He hasn’t just betrayed me, he’s betrayed you too. I don’t think that you have come to realize that yet, but someday you will. That’s just my opinion. Maybe I am wrong. I don’t think you’re stupid ” I just think that you have been mislead. It is NOT YOUR fault. It is NOT my fault.
THINK about it.
“who BELITTLES and TRICKS you into thinking that
oh daughter dearest, I really do care”
I have never belittled you. My husband (your lover) did quite often when you were not around to hear it. He does this to everyone he knows. Me, his sons, his boss, his numerous ex-girlfriends, ” and everyone else he knows. Even his OWN family! NOBODY is exempt from his criticism. NOBODY lives up to his expectations. If you think that you are exempt from his lies or his expectations, you are only deceiving yourself. It took me 12 years of living with him to realize this. See how stupid and blind I was? I admit it!!!!!!
Not anymore.
You don’t have to live with me. You can do whatever you want. If you want to live in another state and go to college and live on your own, I will help you as much as I can. No big or empty promises. I will do what I can to help you.
If you are with my husband (soon to be ex) you can expect nothing from me.
“but when you read between the lineslies,
YOUR NOTHINGNOTHINGNOTHING STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID”
You’re NOT nothing!!! You’re NOT stupid!!! I NEVER, EVER said that!!! I NEVER, EVER even THOUGHT that!!! Why would you think that?
Maybe you shouldn’t try to read between the lines. Maybe you should try reading what’s RIGHT THERE in black and white!
“who thinks it’s JUST OH SO OKAY
to drown her life in liquor
so she doesn’t have to see
that her child’s life is better
than hers ever was
and when she does see
she feels not joy, or pride but JEALOUSY”
I know that I drank a LOT when I was in XXX (state). I know that it was the wrong thing to do. It’s called “Ineffective coping”. I don’t drink like that anymore. I don’t have to. I no longer have a husband that tries to manipulate me or tries to sabotage my self esteem. I no longer have the stress associated with my husband. He is now in my past and I am moving on to a better life. I don’t feel as though I need alcohol to cope anymore. Instead, I have sought counseling and medical help. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.
I hear you say that your life is SO much better than mine ever was. I am so happy that you believe that. There was a time, many years ago, when I was the NUMBER ONE person in my husband’s life. I remember how I felt back then. My feet never touched the clouds. He spoiled me. He doted on me. I was where YOU are right now. I understand. That’s why I know that no matter what I say to you, it will fall on deaf ears.
You are mistaken. I am not jealous of you. I am worried for you. I wish I didn’t worry about you, but I do. That top-of-the-world happiness you have now may be limited. I hope I am wrong. It’s the painful “later” that I’m worried about for you. If you can live in a relationship of incest and control and still remain happy for the rest of your life, I commend you. I do hope that you stay happy and safe for all eternity.
“WHAT WOULD YOU HONESTLY CALL SOMEONE,
who cannot STAND TO SEE YOU HAPPY
who must make you as miserable as she
who fights and screams about it when your back is turned
but when you turn around, she says,
OH DEAR, OH DEAR, I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, I’M SO SUPPORTIVE, SEE?
when in reality she’s thinking
I HATE you for being HAPPIER THAN ME”
I don’t hate you. I do want to see you happy. There is no more fighting or screaming. I am happy to be free.
For the record, I am NOT miserable. I have gone through a ton of sadness and conflict in the past few months while dealing with the abusive relationship I was in, but I have moved on with my life. I don’t expect you to be in my life, because I have accepted your choice. I have told you what I can offer you and you are welcome to take it or leave it. It is YOUR life and it is YOUR choice.
Your brothers and I are moving on. I am changing my lifestyle so that I can be a good parent for them. Since I am NOT perfect and I know that I need help sometimes, I am reaching out to the professional resources available to me.
“because if you look below that thin surface
it’s not to hard to see
what she is really thinking
because if you listen a little closer
it’s not to hard to hear
what she is really saying”
I validate your feelings. I do not presume to think I know how you feel. I wait for you to tell me. YOU are the only one who can say what you think or feel. In that regard, I am the only one who can say what I think or feel. You don’t have to believe me, but maybe you shouldn’t presume to know what I think or feel. Only I can tell you that. You don’t have to believe me, but I don’t have to accept your presumptions.
“WHAT WOULD YOU CALL HER IF YOU MET HER?
Stay off my page.
I don’t need your empty promises anymore”
This is the last time you will hear from me. I am going “no contact” from now on. You may contact me by email any time you wish. I will listen. I will not “reach out” to you any longer because I respect your wishes.
I will do as you ask. I will never visit your page again. The last time I went there was to get the web address for XXX (old friend) ” your old friend from XXX (state). She wanted to contact you and I told her I would help.
FYI: You can block any deviantArt members in the settings.
“Expressions in FREE VERSE,
FREE THOUGHT,
FREE SPEECH.”
For someone who claims to be so happy, you certainly have a lot of bitterness and hatred dripping from your words. Do you really want to live with all of that negative baggage?
I love you, and no matter how you feel about me, you can NEVER take that love away from me. I stand by what I said. I am here for you, no matter what. I love you no matter what. It’s NOT your fault ” and don’t EVER let anyone convince you otherwise.
I left my husband to remove myself from an emotionally abusive and dysfunctional relationship. I wish I could have saved you too, but I was too late. I had to leave to save myself and the boys.
You don’t have to believe me, and its okay if you never speak to me again. I love you forever and always.
Please forgive me.
Mom
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“The secret of life? The secret’s in the sauce.” Fried Green Tomatoes.
That’s it. It’s over now. I will never be able to see if she responds to my comment because I will never go back to her website as I promised.
Goodbye daughter …. I love you
TooLate, I don’t think it was wrong, you put your heart out there for her to see, you did what you had to do. Reading everything from my point of view (I’m the mother of a 28 year old daughter) she sounds so angry and IMMATURE! The whole situation is just horrible, what a loving mother you are to still offer her your support and love. So someday she will grow up. Someday (probably soon) she will wonder why she is with the “old” man, and want to be with kids her own age (as you point out in your response). Someday she may hold her own daughter in her arms… and feel the love.
My daughter and I of course had quite a few screaming fights when she was a teen, and I said exactly the same thing you did… “I am not your friend”.
I think you are a fabulous mom. You are in my prayers. I wish I could write half as well as you do. You are able to express yourself very well.
Shabbychic,
Thank you! I have tried so hard to be “no contact” with my daughter, but I love her with all of my heart.
Her words did not upset me this time, but i just couldn’t sit by and listen to the words that are “parrot responses” from my husbands lips.
HE has told her how to think and how to feel. She has heard only one side of the story.
For me, it was a last-ditch effort. I do hope that SOMETHING I wrote makes it through to her.
Everything I wrote was from the heart.
I think that with all of my efforts, my words will be picked apart by my husband and eventually rejected.
I am ready to accept that.
I just HAD to say it.
Now it’s over.
Thank you so much for listening to me. Sometimes I feel like I am just crying out … alone in the dark.
TooLate
I am sorry you are in such pain. I don;t know how you feel because I don’t have any children, but I can see your pain in black and white in every word you wrote to your daughter. I don’t think you could have said anything else to her to get the message across that you are there for her should she ever choose to reach out to you. And I believe one day she will. One day she will wake up and realise what you tried to do for her and how exploited she is at the moment.
I can’t imagine this pain – not only was he cheating but he cheated with your daughter and then took her and turned her away from you. I am so sorry for what you are going through – it must be like a knife to the heart. Just sending you my love – you said some powerful things to her and I will be praying they get through some crack in her consciousness and she realises exactly who is on her side and who isn;t. In the meantime I think you’re doing the right thing cutting off from the situation – it is too painful and wrenching to be involved with and your number one priority is your own healing so you can be there for your other children.
This will work out eventually – you will need to be in a strong state for when it does.
With much love
Midlife