If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Alot to take in, here today.
Page 195-196 of “Without Conscience” states:
“Psychopaths are not “fragile” individuals. What they think and do are extensions of a rock-solid personality structure that is extremely resistant to outside influence.
I think what Rosa chose to highlight from the book Without Conscience, speaks volumes. And EXTREMELY RESISTANT is key.
Maybe that is something we can all agree on. Even the experts don’t agree on everything when it comes to this disorder.
It is complicated. Any mental illness is complicated. The difference is that most mental illness can be “helped” with medications and treatment if the patient is willing.
And the personality disordered illnesses are RESISTANT (there is that word again) to treatment.
I don’t believe that being a sociopath is a choice a person makes. Any more than I believe that being Bi Polar is a choice that a person makes. Or any other mental illness.
This is NOT to justify what they do. Or to excuse it. But it is what it is. Many things are “missing” in a sociopaths make up.
Empathy, conscience, moral compass, ect…And those things that ARE missing is exactly why they do what they do.
ROCK SOLID PERSONALITY structure is another key in that quote from the book.
Robert Hare states:
“What is missing, in other words, are the very qualities that allow a human being to live in social harmony”
If you add up what is missing and combine it with that rock solid personality structure that exist, you have the make up of a real life nightmare.
And this still creates for me at least, more questions than actual concrete answers. If I am trying to understand the disorder.
Does a sociopath FEEL actual pleasure from inflicting pain on others? Or is pleasure something that is really elusive to them. Is something they strive for (pleasure) and yet never really attain? It appears on the “outside” that they DO attain pleasure from another persons pain. But do they really “feel” anything, such as pleasure, that would be parallel to how we feel pleasure?
But one thing seems rather certain that even if they do feel that instant gratification of pleasure it is short lived. There is no DEPTH to what they feel. And it also apparant that they can “mimic” emotions, but don’t actually feel them.
A drug addict “chases” after that elusive high. That feeling of euphoria that doesn’t really exist.
Can this also be something that can also help clarify what a sociopath does? They are constantly “chasing” something that is elusive to them? That doesn’t EXIST for them.
They are evil in their intentions NO DOUBT, it is all about personal gain for them. But they never seem satisfied with that personal gain, and keep traveling in the same vicious cycle. Over and over again. The people they leave behind are similar in nature to the discarded needles the junkie leaves behind. None of it makes much sense to us.
A drug addict when in recovery can at least relate to us in their own words what their addiction was like for them. They can at least define their elusive quest of chasing the high. And that pattern of the vicious cycle. And even though we haven’t maybe walked in these shoes, we can begin to try and understand the combination of addiction and the brain when a miind altering drug is consuming them.
A sociopath not ever in a recovering state can’t offer us this information. And although many studies have been done they are resistant to ACCEPT responsibility for themselves. And that is definately key to change in any mental illness, or in addiction.
Even in mental illness, if people are unwilling to accept their illness. Sometimes they will hit a “bottom” and end up in a hospital and begin treatment. Sometimes with much resistance.
Sociopaths it seems do not have a bottom. And this is important for us to realize.
Sociopaths are described as being predatory in nature. And that defines pretty acurately what we see when we are in a relationship with them. The preditory nature.
Maybe it is the predatory nature that is key here. Maybe this is what is resistant to treatment. Maybe this is just a part of that ROCK SOLID personality.
But anyone who has encountered this type of personality disorder in their life…..Has endured a kind of pain that isn’t easily understood any more that the disorder itself is easily understood.
And there comes a time in any survivors life that we have to get beyond the understanding of the disorder and try to heal ourselves.
And part of this healing for many of us is to try and responsibly put the word out. That this type of evil does exist in the world. Because for many of us we didn’t know that it existed until we experienced it.
Learning, you don’t have anything to apologize for, nor do any of us. We’re all here to air it ALL out, every take on the whole thing, so its ALL good, everything we have to offer.
There are so many places Charlotte has not reached yet, and so many things she has not yet figured out, however,
I will say that she has acheived the strength of forgiveness and that is a positive thing. I reached that place too, where I could forgive him for being ‘sick’ and ‘broken’….and finally, when I could confront the truth that he never cared for one second about how he had broken me and my life with his sickness I could even forgive him for that,….and then I reached a new level, where I was able to forgive him for not having a soul. Oddly enough, forgiving myself for loving him took a little longer still.
But what has strengthened me more than that has been the honesty. Feeling sorry for his pain was what opened the door to him in the first place and recognizing that his ‘pain’ was a ruse and a pretense was what liberated me in the end. Having to confront the reality that he, and people like him, are not genuinely human in the sense that the rest of us understand being human was probably even harder than forgiveness.
It seems impossible to conceive of such pure evil and reconciling what I have always believed about people, that each and every one of us is basically good, with the creature that I discovered him to be, has been the most painful experience of my life because it has called everything I once believed into question. Everything.
These experiences leave us with more questions than answers, and in the aftermath it’s as if we have no map with which to put the pieces back together…and one morning we wake up and we know that we can put everything back the way it was….but we will NEVER be the same again.
It is a longer journey even beyond forgiveness than some of us realize, but maybe Charlotte has found a comfortable place to rest and a story that she can tell to bring herself peace…and you know what, peace being so hard to find on the long road home, maybe that’s enough for her. xoJ
Zen
Sorry to hear you are feeling really down. The only way out is “through” and it’s very physical, emotional and “real” thinking of you, keep talking and know that you have support here no matter what.
Well said, Jennifer1011.
Zen….
Bullet is right on……gotta go through….to get out……
Remain strong and focused!!!
Jennijfer, that “forgiving myself for loving him” was also a very hard part for me too. I wrote an article about it, I think the name is “forgiving yourself for being human” You might check it out.
That FALSE idea that we were fed as children that there is “good in everyone deep down” is just that, a FALSE idea. Unfortunately it SOUNDS so good.
Along with:
There are two (valid) sides to every story.
It takes two to fight.
There is a Santa Claus.
There is a tooth fairy.
When people hurt you it is because they ahve been hurt so you must understand and “forgive” them (i.e. trust them again!)
We are fed lots of FALSE beliefs and persecuted if we don’t go along with them. There was a time you could be burned at the stake for believing the world was round, but it didn’t change the shape of the earth one bit!
Zen, there’s a page on this site that says, “Leaving the Sociopath.” Please, take a look at it when you have the energy. It may just be the tonic that you need, right now.
HUGS!!!
OxDrover……are you implying that Santa Claus isn’t real?
Jennifer,
Theres a saying “never assume”…sometimes Im guilty of assuming things 🙂
Your above post speaks volumes…its open and honest and non-judgmental.
Perhaps it was the way Charlotte spoke about “writers/posters” it was almost accusatory instead of just making a general statement about the long process and different stages of healing including wallowing in self-pity – in moderation – its all ok — the point is to not get stuck. Thats what LF is for, along with therapy and books and anything else that helps us learn and grow and move on.
Everyone here has a point. Sometimes we write to share, sometimes we write to defend, sometimes we write because we are triggered, sometimes we write in agreement and other times in disagreement…
If Im totally honest with myself, in my healing process, along the way, I definitely wallowed in some self-pity,and every other process/stage along the way (sometimes negative, sometimes positive)…
Jennifer, thank you…
I think there are so many places ALL OF US have not reached yet, and so many things ALL OF US have not yet figured out — but TOGETHER WE ARE ALL LEARNING AND GROWING AND CHANGING AND COMING INTO OUR OWN — AS WELL AS LEARNING ABOUT OTHERS.
Its a never-ending journey — but its not the end – its the ride. Im grateful to have found LF along my travels — I truly learn something from each and everyone of you and you sometimes teach me more about myself too 🙂
Thanks everyone. xoxo LTL
Buttons,
Thanks but I cannot locate it, the search feature on this site is not particularly good my only complaint! 🙂