If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Stargazer, Ox, Henry…
100% grade A narcissist! And, believe me, I hear what you guys are saying. This whole sociopath thing is still new to me and I’m still wrapping my head around the fictious year I had unbeknownst to me. Growing up, I was taught when someone apologizes and says they’re sorry, accept it. I think I’ve slam dunked that golden rule. However, I realize some people are not deserving of our forgiveness.
Ox, you speak of tried and true wisdom and I admire that..ty. The feelings I am experiencing stem from guilt. I don’t know why..I guess that feeling of ‘feeling responsible’ for your loved one’s welfare doesn’t just go away. The iron skillet hurts a little, but I can take it..afterall, I’m dating a Spath! lol
Stargazer, NO! I absolutely don’t want to feel bad everyday or feel like I’m worth so little. This is how he’s manipulated me for a long time now. I am just starting to recognize it and put a name to the behavior. It’s mean. It’s unfair. It’s not loving. And, how stupid is he?? I didn’t even say NO..
So, the follow up is He Didn’t Call Back Tonight. People that take people for granted like he does just kills me. Life seems so simple but they make it so hard.
Dear Libra,
Yep, they take and they take and they do not give.
When some one says “sorry” that is NOT the end of it. How about if I put a match to your house and burn it down bec ause I’m mad, then the next day I say “I’m sorry” IS THAT ENOUGH to pretend it didn’t happen.
Saying “sorry” is NOT the same thing as BEING SORRY and ACTING like you will NOT DO IT AGAIN, and really having a FEELING of being sorry…you ACT like you are sorry by being BETTER to them the next time…he is just the same or worse.
I agree with Star, he’s stealing your life, one day at a time…rather, you are ALLOWING him to TAKE IT. YOU DO deserve better. (((hugs)))
Skylar,
My ambivalence is simply this: How can you be so sure? I’d love to feel as sure as you all do, I truly would. That would make this a lot easier to end. Do you really feel he hates me and despises me so much he would kill me? Maybe, I am really in the dark here. I know he is dysfunctional. But, capable of murder? Maybe, I don’t see this for what it truly is then?
What do I want from him? Great question. Normalcy. Kindness. Love. Friendship. Respect. Companionship. All the things I’m not getting..lol. And, I’d like to recoup a few of the thousands of dollars he’s taken from me and my family. That’s what I want in a nutshell.
Libra – I relate with what your saying..I felt soo responsible for my X..and in some ways he freely gave or pushed that responsibilty on me to take care of him, he wanted me to be in control..but he was actually controling me by letting me be in control and responsible for every good and bad thing that happened. Did that make sense?
Yes it is not easy, we do love them but at what price?
Dont focus so much on diagnosing/labeling him as a this or a that, just look at your relationship as toxic and unhealthy…
For me this Life Lesson started out about him and ended up being so much more about me..hang in there..somebody is here whenever you need to vent…and if Ox gets to wild with that skillet I know where she lives, she aint as tuff as she thinks she is….
Libra,
I didn’t ask you what you wanted. I asked you what you EXPECTED.
Capable of murder? He has ALREADY MURDERED YOU.
murder of one. by counting crows
Blue morning, blue morning,
Wrapped in strands of fist and bone
Curiosity, Kitten,
Doesn’t have to mean you’re on your own
You can look outside your window,
He doesn’t have to know
We can talk a while, baby,
We can take it nice and slow
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just a dream, dream, dream
Are you happy where you’re sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when youre sorry?
Does he tell when youre wrong?
Well I’ve been watching you for hours
It’s been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started,
I’ve been wondering where we’ve gone
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just dream, dream, dream
Well I dreamt I saw you walking,
Up a hillside in the snow
Casting shadows on the winter sky,
As you stood there, counting crows
One for sorrow, two for joy,
Three for girls, and four for boys,
Five for silver, six for gold,
Seven for a secret, never to be told
There’s a bird that nests inside you,
Sleeping underneath your skin
Yeah, when you open up your wings to speak,
I wish you’d let me in
All your life,
Is such a shame, shame, shame
All your love,
Is just a dream, dream, dream
Open up your eyes,
You can see the flames, flames, flames
Of your wasted life
You should be ashamed
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, baby
I said you don’t wanna waste your life, now, darling
You don’t wanna waste your life, now, baby
You don’t wanna, you dont wanna waste your life, now, darling
Change, change, change
Change, change, change
Change, change, change
I walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight, falling down on me
I said I will walk along these hillsides in the summer, ‘neath the sunshine
I am feathered by the moonlight
Change, change, change
Change, change, change, yeah
Change, change, change
Oh, change, change
Yeah!
Oh, change, change, change
Whoa, change, change, change
Change, change,
change, change,
change, change,
change, change, change
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ePfsdr94ow&feature=related
Libra, my heart hurts for you. You sound like me when I was trying for two years to leave the ex spath. I didn’t have this website, I didn’t have someone to vent to, get advice from, a shoulder to cry on. I took two damn years to leave! The relationship lasted 3 years and two years was trying to leave.
Please believe, you WILL survive this, you will have enough of this crap and you will leave for good, but how long it takes is up to you.
I can hear you still wanting things to turn out good with him, wanting him to call. There will be a magic number of calls that will finally be the last and then the true pain and grieving begin. Hate, anger, confusion, depression, all of the worst emotions you can feel will take turns on your whole Psyche.
Maybe we know this and decide the alternative is easier. Staying in a bad relationship with a sociopath is still easier in the long tun than facing all of the inevitable rollercoaster of heartbreaking emotions and unsure future that awaits us when we leave.
I left because I couldn’t, just COULD NO LONGER LIVE! I had cardiac arrest! The stress caused me cardiac arrest and heart surgery, so YES, they can kill you even without touching you.
The ex spath, IT, killed me one day at a time. I let IT until somehow I gathered the strength to leave. I quit IT cold turkey, no contact and it has changed my life. It’s been 3 years with no spath and it has been hard, but not because I miss IT. Its because of the inner turmoil, self hatred, and deep emotional scarring IT left me with. This website has been a God send, truly.
I feel myself healing every single day now.
Please, Libra, believe in yourself and read, read, read!!! You will find help here.
Libra;
I get the sense that you are sharing the convo’s as a hook to the drama.
Nothing has changed. Change has to come from you.
Any survivor of toxic relationship is not shocked at anything you are writing about how he treats you….and i’ll tell ya, i’m sure YOU aren’t shocked either. you just wish it woud be different. Wishes belong in fairytales……and fairytales don’t exist outside of Disney!
It’s not and it’s not going to be different with this guy. EVER.
I’m not sure the ‘why’ your giving him all of you……and you won’t know either UNTIL you get out of the ‘flames’.
You can’t see in a fire and smoke filled house. You can’t think straight in dire situations……So REMOVE yourself.
Get out of the fire…….out of the heat and the smoke…..and only then….will you remember ‘who’ you are and where you wish to go in life.
Good luck.
And yes……they do Kill us…….on so many levels.
The stress for me almost did me in……2 strokes, 1 carotid artery dissection and then Cancer…..ALL the first month I booted him out the door…….
It was 28 years of stress…….I never knew I was under!
It can be through health, set ups or just good ‘ol murder….gun/knife/rope/poisening……
What……do you think your gonna have a choice here?
Think again.
They are just plain EVIL…..to our minds, bodies and spirits.
Libra, I really wish you would read “How to Spot a Dangerous Man”. The problem with constantly starting with a clean slate when someone says they’re sorry is that some people are disordered and are not capable of real love. This is the case with your dude. If you have doubt, make a list of all the things he gives you and another list of all the things he takes from you and the times he hurts you. Which one is bigger? In a healthy relationship, you should feel good most of the time. You shouldn’t be suffering. What will it take before you say enough is enough? Do you have to catch him cheating? I would bet my left arm he has cheated on you, or that he would if the opportunity presented itself. Usually when they are so jealous of you, it’s because they are projecting. Will it take him physically harming you?
There is a song by Kev ‘Mo called “That’s Not Love.” The lyrics go something like…..”That’s not love. Cause love don’t feel that bad. That’s not love. Cause love don’t feel that sad. I don’t know what it is. But it’s not love.”
Libra, Libra,
You were taking a break to get your head out of the fog, but still took his calls. Physical distance is a step towards peace, but not enough. My ex-spath lived at the other side of the world. I got to know him in his country. I let him fly over to visit me for 3 months. Visited him for 2 months again, etc… In those almost 2 years, we were physically separated for 16 months… calling and chatting. Always after visting I kinda started to like the separation on the one hand, because it was less stressy (or so I thought), but I remained emotionally hooked and unhappy at the same time. Towards the end I did start to say “no” to him more and more. But the emotional bond to him lasted until the day he discarded me.
And he did it in an utter childish way: wrote me in two lines that he was sorry but he had met someone else, AND at the same time he wrote me that message he SWITCHED his relationship status from me to the other woman on facebook.
That next day I found out from a friend who lived there that he was with this woman already for a month and intended to fly to London with her. He did in fact fly to London 2 weeks after ditching me. By then I had talked with ex-es and a girl he cheated me with a couple of months before that. I learned it was a pattern, and how much he had been deceiving me. By befriending the girl he cheated me with, I was finally ABLE to literally see how much he had deceived me and had enjoyed it. She had pics of them as an item at his village, I could read his comments on those pics, him trying to reach out to her to talk to him, at the same time I was leaving love messages on his wall while feeling totally neglected and waiting for him to come online. Him and the people who had both me and her as a friend could have witnessed this (her best friend thought there was something fishy and had friend requested me, though we never met… I did find it strange and had a suspicion, but never dared to act on it until the day he ditched me)
That is how I knew for sure! I never second-guessed myself ever again about him. The London woman may hope and believe and pretend as much as she can, and he may pretend for as long as he is willing, but I know for 100% sure that he is a dangerous parasite with not an inch of feeling and empathy for other people in his bones.
So, if you want to know for sure… contact ex-girlfriends of his. You don’t need to tell your story to them, but just say you have questions about him and whether they are willing to tell their side of the story. Or have an investigator dig into his past and his doings at the moment. Meet his sister and mother and make your own opinion of them, without relying on his info. Don’t use it to confront him with his lies and to prove to him you know about him. But do it to stop second guessing yourself of what you already know. When you have all the data and can see the pattern and how profound the deception goes, you won’t even care about forcing him to admit that he’s been lying to you all along.