If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Star,
I know you have a preference for closure and tying up loose ends. That’s probably why you want to confront her. I see no problem with speaking to her if you don’t believe she is a psychopath or a narcissist. And judging from your description of her, she isn’t. She sounds like a powerless person – her hunched over appearance tells me – who looks for ways to assert herself where it might be safe. She sees you as being safe because you won’t hurt her.
On the other hand, that’s exactly what spaths do too. They look for people who can’t or won’t fight back in order to feel safe.
With a spath, you are best off simply placing a boundary and walking away because ANYTHING you say enables them – it feeds their addiction to drama and attention.
Also you might consider that you have shared confidences with her and she might passive-aggressively seek revenge by divulging what you have said to the neighbor boy. There are lots of people who aren’t spaths but certainly do exhibit spath behaviors sometimes.
Lastly consider that she simply has baggage of her own and most likely will not be able to change at her age. You can continue to enjoy the good parts of her if you don’t take the bad parts personally. They aren’t actually aimed at you, these behaviors are just her way of trying to keep from feeling like the lowest man on the totem pole. You can rise above it by refusing to participate and setting boundaries where it really matters. Like the carpet!
Oxy,
Thanks for explaining 🙂 I googled her and suspected you meant it as a compliment.
On the fight or flight response to finding closure before breaking ties…
Not sure whether I think it’s more adult to just ignore people instead of telling them why they upset you so much that you will break the relation with them. I tend to do the latter normally, and it’s not just about standing up for myself, but also because I feel I owe decent people, who are having an issue in their life at that time, the courtesy to inform them. Some of these ex-friends, years later, would suddenly appear at my doorstep and invite me for an outing, with or without company. I can immediately tell that they worked out their previous issues (most of the time: no self-confidence) and they will eventually tell me that my words and me cutting them out of my life was harsh first, but something that stuck and prompted them to do the necessary changes. It’s usually their ‘closure’ meeting with me. Most of these ex-friends do not become more than far acquaintances after that, but there are no bad feelings anymore. One friend actually has become a friend again, though we don’t see each other as often anymore (weekly), but instead every few other months. But when we see each other, it is with mutual respect and she does not try to meddle in my life as she used to do. The same counts for two ex-bfs: one has been even a best friend afterwards, the other I normally do not see or hear at all, except perhaps once per decade, but it is absolutely friendly now if we have contact. And with another ex-bf I’m cordial, though I think he’s a slimeball and I don’t trust him to be personally involved anymore. I see him the most often, as he is a fellow tourleader. But I absolutely even hated him at first and told him so at the time.
So, most of the time, tying up the loose ends in the way stargazer wants can lead to peaceful meetings with mutual respect years later. It’s also far from common to close off situations in this way, even if it’s now common for stargazer and has always been common to me as long as I remember (my best friend even tends to call it “darwinsmom’s way”). Apparently I’m the sole one he knows who tends to close relations and friends in this way, and it’s not his natural way either. He actually has tried to apply it in some cases himself, since he knows me.
Meanwhile for others it’s more in their nature to “flight” and just disappear without ever letting you know what happened. And if they only end relations in their innate way it is not likely to be adult either.
So, I don’t think one particular response is the adult response or the right response. The adult response imo is when you can see both possible ways of dealing with the situation and make a conscious choice based on what will be the most effective, which is not necessarily what relieves you instantly (fight nature) or what makes you feel the safest (flight nature), and yet at other times someone’s natural way can be the best.
No matter what else, it boils back down to having had an interaction of magnitude with someone who is a sociopath.
They are what they are.
And the after effect is always the same.
At least that’s what I’ll believe until there is a book or a talk show on ” I married a liar, and its been great for me!”
There isn’t anything to debate really. Its just that it was an awful experience. And one that didn’t last, they never do.
The best part is that its over now.
And the most important person to forgive is yourself.
You were fooled. By someone who did it on purpose for their gain not yours.
It feels yucky and the yuck lasts. It changes you.
Its important to remember and worth repeating:
They are 5% of the population which leaves 95% good or a least better people.
If you become better at recognizing what you didn’t see before, you will be able to tell the difference.
And that will make all the difference in the long term.
Silvermoon,
You gave me a belly laugh this morning with your comment “At least that’s what I’ll believe until there is a book or a talk show on ” I married a liar, and its been great for me!” LOL ROTFLMAO
Yea, that’s a good one girlfriend! LOL 😀
silvermoon:
That was a fantastic post…thank you.
I was just wondering does 9 out of 10 count? My ex showed a great deal of emotion though. He loved excitability and was very encouraging. He was ready to destroy but people could not see it. He was so slick! I think I need counseling. Its been a year and 4 months since our divorce. I go through missing him, and then shaking my head like why can’t you just go on? Its not an easy thing to walk away from when you miss what you had and it was a lie!
Recently I almost fell back into it when he was telling me the wife he recently married he does not love that he loves me. That he married her for her insurance. Told me they were divorcing—found out that was a lie again! Now she is at risk and I am worried she is as gullible as I was!
Does anyone know of a book on how to go forward from this?
Thank you!
JH – Welcome to Lovefraud. Yes, 9 out of 10 counts. Many sociopaths can also show emotion – although it’s actually an act, a very convincing act.
My new book – “Red Flags of Love Fraud” will help you understand what you were dealing with. That is the first step in recovery.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/books/red-flags-of-love-fraud/
Thank you Donna I intend on purchasing this. I simply could not understand why he lied continually— even when it would of been better to tell the truth. I dont know if his family can even wrap their brains around it. He acts like such a fine person and people swarm to him especially the children.
Was walking on cloud 9 for 3 years and it took me that long to find out it was no cloud but a lie.
I dont ever want it to happen again. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who knows the truth of this matter.
Although I see some of his lies being caught by a few….How to you remove love from a lie? It is most difficult.
Thank you for your site!!!!
The things that pop into my brain… He use to say, ” See, your pets like me so I must be a good person because animals instinctively know good people”. I would roll my eyes and think,You could probably pass a lie detector test also so I don’t think I will count on my pets to be the judge. I kind of laugh at the insanity now (in a way). Had I known how truly evil he was I would have walked right then.
Found an interesting article after watching a BBC documentary about the history of the world. They were focusing on the culture where writing by commoners became common: Egyptian dynasties. One of the reports that survived is about the charges made against a man, that if all true show a typical sociopath. Paneb is known to be a “bad boy” of the 19th Dynasy:
Here’s a link to the report made against him:
http://www.egyptological.com/2012/01/paneb-the-all-round-bad-guy-6901
He bribed his way into a builder chief position (instead of it going to the son of the previous chief as was usually the custom). Meanwhile he corrupted workers to use pharaoh’s tools as well as stone meant for royal tombs to build his own tomb, was a grave robberer and showed his disdain for royalty by sitting on Seti II’s tombstone; brawled and fought; was a drunkard and cheated both his wife with several married women as well as their daughters; and threatened to kill a rival…
His son too showed signs later on of not being the most moral man either…