If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Darwinsmom, awesome link – thank you for posting it!!!
This sort of confirms that spaths have always existed. They are what they are. They will be what they are. And, the only way to “cure” them is to avoid them.
Brightest blessings!
Kmilllercats, one of the first “red flags” that I learned to recognize after the exspath left was to beware of anyone’s assertion that they’re “a good person.” What kind of person feels the need to announce this? I don’t go around assuring people that “I’m a good person” because my actions speak for themselves.
Today, anyone who lets that assertion drop is immediatley suspect.
Brightest blessings
My first flag is when they say they become nervous around me because they don’t know where they have me and starts asking me out about what I think of them. To me this is a sign that they are fishing after information to where they shall put their hooks. Especially if this is during the first 30 minutes after we’ve met for the first time, and they clearly are trying to impress me or win me over with their charm, good looks and how well “equipped” they are.
Hello LF community:
Though I divorced an exploitive person, briefly dated a real spath with all the above red flags, I just let myself fall in the trap again.
My mom died this summer. This man from a dating service was so “supportive” that I totally fell for him in my vulnerable state of grief. He was so tall, handsome, charismatic, attentive. Bought me a gorgeous flower bouquet for b-day; showered me with attention; and yes, lovebombed me in the first month or so. Then there was the sudden blowing up at me over a miniscule, harmless thing, and the pit in my stomach said loud and clear, “leave now.”
But the sex was unbelievable as #10 on the list says. That should be #1 in my spath book. Because of this magnetic sex I was ready to deny and ignore ALL the other issues.
The interesting things is how quickly and suddenly the dumped me, after all the professions of love and how amazing I was. Why? Because I shattered the fantasy of his huge ego by confronting him about his money exploitating, though respectfully, bringing the issue on the table why he was expecting me to pay for all the stuff and avoiding holding up his end? And when I refused to boost his ego with false flattery about his goals. He lives off an inheritance, hasn’t worked for many years, pretends to have a “business’ for which he hires an employee to bring in clients. While paying tennis every day.
And with all this nonsense, I still felt hurt, yes hurt, when he dumped me last week.
Why have I not learned?
Does this happen to anyone else, when you KNOW the red flags, have experienced them before, yet you walk into another situation just like that, with open eyes, and willingly participate in this horrible sham?
DW
I’m so sorry about your mother, my condolences.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that again, but do not beat your self up. You revealed him! Before you became too entangled. Be proud and treat your self nice. You did not use much time on him and you saw him for what he truly was. Next time you will dodge the bullet before Hello.
You did not mess up, you’ve learned or else you would not have pointed out his huge ego. That was the only reason he left, he knew he was busted!!! There’s your proof of what he was… I’m truly sorry you have to go through grief (again) over this man, I am, but as I said, this time you’ve done better than last time.
Now it’s time to go NC and work on your self. What was it this time that you have not resolved within your self that you did not resolve the last time? Look at it as resolving the left overs.
It’s so hard to resist falling in love, esp when you are vulnerable. There’s your key word. When you are vulnerable, that’s when you should be on the alert. Next time, take a step back and consider the situation before you decide to date.
I’ve almost fallen for that trap my self and it was very very hard to just turn my back and leave, but afterwards when I had the situation distanced it was easier to see whether I’d taken the right choice or not. It showed to be right for me. I use Donna’s book as a checklist when I meet someone. If I can cross out too many, the dude is out!
Dancing Warrior,
I am so sorry for your loss of your mother, but the spaths target people who are grieving—or are vulnerable in other ways. I was the target and got hooked by a psychopath after the tragic loss of my husband in a plane crash here at our farm. I had casually known the guy for 10 or 12 years and he seemed just so NICE and wonderful…for a while…then I realized that he wanted another “respectable wife” to cheat on and that he had a large “harem” of women scattered around that he had ongoing relationships with.
I finally kicked him to the curb, but it broke my heart to do so….I had this big fantasy that we would be soul mates. I was so afraid to BE ALONE and never have another loving mate. I felt old, ugly, fat, and undesirable and here this man came and made me feell like a teenager. LOL Yea I fell for it, and this past week I fell for a small scam and got ripped off for $2600, I was love bombed and I knew in my gut I was being love bombed, but I told my gut to shut up that this was a NICE person. LOL
Well, it frequently happens that a person who has experienced a relationship with a psychopath will go out and FIND ANOTHER ONE—-in healing, learning, we must find what makes us vulnerable and fix that in ourselves. I am I think succeptible to the love bomb and I need to watch for it.
Just get back up off the floor and work on learning more about yourself and why you fell for the man in spite of the RED FLAGS you saw. We need to RUN at the FIRST sign of a red flag, not do like I did and tell my gut to shut up. I only lost $2600 to a con, but it could easily have been my heart. (((hugs))))
Dancingwarrior,
I’m sorry to hear that you lost your mom. My condolences.
As far as the spath, you very likely wanted to believe that you could change him. Maybe you thought, you could get him to behave differently. They can’t change. They are predators pure and simple. You are lucky that all he took was money because some of them want more.
Welcome back to the flock, start your healing process and this time, learn about YOURSELF and what makes you vulnerable. That’s the most important thing you can learn.
Sunflower,
Thank you re. my mom.
A very good point, “What was it this time that you have not resolved within your self that you did not resolve the last time?”
It’s hard really — I am self-sufficient in practical respects, but no human is “an island” and I want closeness and companionship. Nothing wrong with that. I have no family left (no parents/aunts/siblings); not a friend network; and no longer my kid. So, stranded alone is my weak spot. It’s not easy to nurture myself, and I guess learn how to be happy and fulfilled by myself.
Thanks for the great question. I have a lot of work to do.
DW
Hi Oxy,
How are you?
Thank you for the wishes about my mom’s passing. It is a painful thing. I know I’ll need time to grieve and come to terms. Now it’s a huge emptiness, and a lot of feeling did I do enough for her, feeling deep sadness for her suffering in illness. Heartbreakign memories of the hard past year.
And I am sorry to hear about the recent scam for $2600. Goodness me. It’s good to hear you laugh about though and yes it could have been your heart.
Yep, I did just what you say telling yourself or your rational self to “shut up” because I, too, liked the good feelings, the fantasy of a romance, the hope for a mate. And it did not help that he was so handsome, 6’4″, and an animal in bed. LOL What mortal can resist?
When he yelled at me, though, I thought, “Oh, no, you didn’t just do that.” Reminded me of just what I wrenched myself away from my marriage….been there done that…no thankee.
Well, thanks Oxy and take care of yourself.f
DW
Hey Skylar,
How are you doing? Good to hear from you and thank you for the supportive note.
This dating experiment was useful in my practicing setting boundaries, and as I did that consistently, he went POOF. LOL
So the hypothesis proved that when you don’t let a spath use and manipulate you, they are gone to an easier target.
But I love Sunflower’s note, next time you’ll dodge the bullet “before Hello.” 🙂 That is too funny, and that is my goal.
Best, DW