If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Serenity12
I too was with mine for 4 yrs. I was nc for 5 months and then I has contact. Big mistake. I asked him to help me at my dilapidated house. What he asked me should have made me furious but, instead I stood there thinking “really?”. He wanted me to be friends with benefits until his new girlfriend got moved here from Seattle. He had discarded me. Even after 4 years of the crazy crap he could still shock me. 3 days later after the shock wore off I texted him and compared him to Sandusky. He told me to “go f–k myself”. He had stood on my deck and said “I’m really not a bad person”. I’m sure Sandusky doesn’t think he is a bad person either. Don’t think it is you. It is 100% them. I really never wanted to hit him because in my brain I realized the things he did were so anti-social and didn’t fit in our normal society. Yet, I still stayed. He will always try to shift everything onto you. They even use the same phrases. He would tell me to move on with my life then 2 months later he would be back. There are other phrases I have seen on the site also that he used. They are like from the same mold. It’s weird. No contact is essential. It’s hard but, it does get easier. Don’t reread anything. Don’t talk to anyone he is associated with. Nothing. He will absolutely try to make other people think you are crazy. They will think what they will think. They don’t matter. Your true friends are the ones who know who you really are and don’t judge you. There are a group of his friends who think I am a crazy stalker and cruel to animals. They are not worthy of my time. I used to care. Now I don’t. It took a lot of work on my part because he hit me at the very core of my being. My father who I lost at the age of 16 taught me to be kind to animals. The sociopath knew that. He used it against me. They mess with your mind. It’s him, not you.
Thanks, its true about the same phrases over and over. He appears to HATE my guts one minute telling me I’m nuts, and that I need help, ignores me, then drops useless extension cords that I clearly don’t need back on my balcony HOPING i would contact him and say thank you. He tried the “sweet” approach, the stubborn approach, the ignoring approach, the I’m crazy anger approach, all with contact about 5 days later saying: “I just don’t want to have negativity between us can we move on in a happy way?” Then asks to go chat over a drink, he apologizes and says he understands, I buy It. we end up back at my place, and the cycle starts again…with him making it seem like everything is my fault!!
This isn’t the case anymore, I am NC with him now comfortably….but looking back at the vicious cycle, it does have me doubting that maybe I was just as crazy to keep going back….but all the while I FELT and KNEW he was wrong in his thinking. Hence why I question myself.
Thanks again
serenity12:
How do I say this without you or anyone else getting upset with me? Seven words stood right out at me…”We end up back at my place” and the cycle starts again. Don’t you see it? He would only apologize and be sweet to get the sex again. As soon as he got it, the cycle started again. I know I am on my soapbox again and no one likes it, but it is soooooo obvious looking from the outside in. Can you see it now perhaps??
Thank God you are No Contact…hallelujah!!!! I am so glad you are no longer in that awful cycle. You were not crazy. You were just trauma bonded, but you BROKE the bond!! YAY!!!! I get so excited and happy when I hear a story like yours!!!! Good for you and God Bless.
Louise believe me I NEED people like you who understand to be on their soap box!! So thank you! My friends and family DON’T get it. Every time we “went back to my place” my intuition would SCREAM at me that this was only temporary but for some reason I let him in because a. the sex was SO great and b. I wanted to hear him apologize. It was like a drug! I’m starting to think about the sex now and was deleting old vacation photos off of my facebook today actually and I actually had my first thought of “what did I find physically attractive about this guy!?”
Yes I can see it now, I always could, and I feel stupid for not leaving then. But the fact is is that it still hurts and makes me sad. I want to be at a point where I look back, see it, and laugh and be like “what a loser” but I’m not yet:(
Thanks for your honest words…. I can take it.
serenity12:
I’m so glad you are not upset! Thank you. I’m glad you do see it and you did see it even at the time it was happening, but you were bonded. You are getting there…you are questioning yourself now, “What did I find physically attractive about this guy!?” If you are doing that, you are healing.
Of course it still hurts. It may hurt for quite awhile, but you WILL get to the point where you will see him as a loser. I am not even there yet totally, but I know I will be someday.
Take care!
Serenity12, there WILL come a time when you will lookk at photos of him That you find by accident or whatever, and you will think “Oh my goodness what did I ever see in that loser?” But it will take TIME and healing.
At first we must focus our healing knowledge on “what is a psychopath” and then when we learn that part of the lesson we must then focus on “WHY did I go back and go back?”
What about YOU that allowed you to allow yourself to be abused KNOWING it was going to happen…like Charlie Brown and the foot ball and Lucy.
Why do we (humans) allow that? Because we continue to hope that the outcome will be different THIS time.
NOW you know. NOW you are stronger. So…quit beating yourself up for what happened THEN, you cannot change the past only the future. In the future, when someone jerks the foot ball out from under you, NEVER AGAIN GIVE THEM ANOTHER CHANCE.
Thanks guys, this has really given me some re-assurance. Thank you for listening. I feel a bit selfish oh here having nothing of value to add back to the blog yet except questions to heal myself, so I appreciate you carrying me through this. I need it.
Serenity12, you’re not being selfish – you’re reaching out. And, I will just say that one year ago, I was reaching out just about every hour.
The very fact that you are searching for answers is a godsend – you’re not rolling over and just letting yourself quit! That, on its own, speaks of your determination and resolve.
Brightest blessings
Hello,
Ive been reading these blogs for a few weeks now. My experience is recent, very recent. Ive talked to alot of people trying to get advice and find out what exactly happened to me. I just didnt understand, until someone mentioned the term “sociopath.” I was completely oblivious..I had never heard the term before so i began to research it. Thats when i found this site. I come on hear two or three times a day and read all these stories and I am more than covinced. Everyones stories sound so similar to each others and to mine. Of course, there are differences. Everyones story is unique but they all have the same basic plot. I cant even begin to explain how much better it makes me feel that I am not alone. I honestly thought i was crazy, and that it was all my fault. I have trouble talking about it. Its hard to put the whole thing into words or maybe im just not ready. Ive only talked to a few close friends and family who have helped me get out of it and are helping me recover. But it is difficult to talk to anyone else ,even my therapist. I feel so embarrased that i let this happen. Not only to me, but i let him take advantage of close friends and family who trusted him because they trusted me. And still i couldnt escape..I still couldnt stand up to him sooner. Thats what i dont understand, after reseaching sociopaths and reading these stories i can finally answer the questions that i had about him like “why did he do this too me?” and “Did he ever really care or was he just using me?”. But i cant explain myself. I might be insecure about myself as far as appearance and love goes but ive always considered myself smart and full of common sense. Which is why I just cant understand how i couldve let this happen. I know part of me was afraid of loosing him, a thought that is completely laughable now. But mostly i think i was afraid of what would happen if i did cut him off. Afraid that he would be mad, and i would never get the money he owed me which would ruin me financially.Which I know now that i was never going to see such money. But he was always mad at me for something even when it had nothing to do with me it was always my fault. And so i was also afraid if i told everyone the truth about him, I knew that in the most charming way possible he could turn everything around on me and make people believe I was the con and the fraud and the crazy one. I guess in general i was afraid of him and intimidated to the point where i felt like i had no way out until recently, when i got so fed up with the way he treated me and the lies and manipulation that i no longer cared about any of the fears i had and just wanted out no matter what it would cost me. Its like Ive woken up from a coma, I can see alot clearer now but i still dont fully understand what exactly what happened. I just dont know how to stop blaming myself for everything that happened to me and my family. I feel i would give anything to make it right with them, and i know i cant change the past but does this guilt ever go away? I feel lost, depressed, stupid, nieve, guilty, and the anxiety is almost unbearable. I am tired but i dont sleep well. I just want to know that all this passes. I am trying very hard to regain my personality, and be the person i know i am instead of who he wanted me to be. But i wonder if i will ever really be me again…I am not someone who likes to complain and it is not my intention for anyone to feel sorry for me. In fact, it makes me feel uncomfortable so im sorry if i am rambling on. I just wanted to get some stuff out that i was feeling to some people that might understand or have felt this way before.
Thank you for listening.
Bebe,
welcome. You’ve been slimed. We understand.
It’s as if those feelings and crazy thoughts were inserted into you. You were never this way before. You were his target and his prey, but rather than kill you outright, this predator sabotages his victims so that they kill themselves or die slowly of a broken heart.
What he has inserted in you is as old as humanity: shame. He tried to rub off all the shame he had, onto you so that you would feel worse and he, by comparison only, would feel better.
Shame sabotages and it’s hard to get rid of, once you buy into it.
It is hard to explain why we allowed it. The best answer I can come up with is that he appealed to your strengths. You believed you were smart and full of common sense, so you thought you could handle him. But you didn’t know that you were dealing with a perverse sort of human being for whom love = hate and good is bad. He’s backward. Everything about him is 180° the opposite of normal.
You didn’t even know you were under attack so you didn’t know to defend yourself. He lied about everything.
Slowly, you will learn and your mind will come online and you’ll begin to understand what happened and why. Then, hopefully, (I’m not there yet myself) you will begin to heal emotionally from the trauma.