If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
bebe,
You wrote, “Its like the cloud in my brain is gone and i can think clearer.” We call this the lifting of the FOG. They create this FOG, messing with your mind, with the lies, the abuse, the lovebombing, their hypnothic insistences that everything will be all right. When you go NC, you’re back on your own to make sense of what happens around you. And though it’s not a pretty sight, at least they’re not there anymore to declare that the hurricane 5 out there is a bright, sunny day.
You can’t stop your fear or anxiety like that. It will need work. Yes, they don’t understand what you fear. THey don’t know how it is when someone messes with your mind and is able to tell you and make you believe that black is white and vice versa… even though you can see with your own eyes that it’s a lie.
But it’s not that you’re weak. It’s him who has a hypnotic gift. You can help yourself and protect yourself from that with a mental exercise.
a) write down what you want to say, which points you want to make… try to visualize this, that you’re strong and saying what needs to be said, as rational and factual as can be. Feel it, believe it: you’re strong, rational, factual.
b) Now instead of ‘him’ regard him like an octopus with arms that try to slither into your emotions and your mind to manipulate you so that he gets what you want. Make a mental picture of this. It will help you instantly the moment he will try.
c) As a last step visualize how you are whole and together, and that you’re closed off to those tentacles. Visualize how those arms cannot penetrate, because you have a succesful barrier.
Try this visualisation today… try it again tomorrow. Certainly do one the day before the trial, and lastly take half an hour before the hearing to do this mental exercise for yourself.
And lastly…take a notepad with you and a pen, and write stuff down, especially when he’s speaking. By concentrating on writing stuff down, you create that actual barrier, because you’re making a time-delay between when he said something and when you read it and register it. That pen is something to hold onto, to feel empowered… it’s a sword. It’s the simplest trick in the world, but it has always worked with me, when I needed to go to an interview or talk where I felt the other had a more powerful position and would want to put words in my mouth or convince me that I wasn’t up for the task. And it always helped. And if you have to speak yourself and you feel nervous, holding that pen, the feeling of it in your hands, will help calm you down. Why else do you think so many public speakers are holding a pen?
Skylars comment about WTF??? – I think that should be added to the red flag list. How many times during the last month have you said WTF? – I have commented many times that over the last 2 years my entire vocabulary seems to consist of WTF! :))
The stalking at the end of the relationship is completely “Normal” (another WTF)… I am still being stalked, so you can expect it to go on for a while. I believe it’s an attempt to regain some semblence of control.
Every couple of weeks alternately I either receive outrageous and inappropriate flower arrangements and boxes of chocolates (more WTF) or he sends someone round to my house to either puncture my car tyres with Spark plugs/other implements or “talk to me”.. WT……
I know it’s not a laughing matter, but thanks for the giggle Skylar!
Bebe09,
I agree with Darwinsmom. Practise it til it sticks like atomatic in your system. If it motivates you, think of it as revenge. The worst thing for him is to not be able to tilting up the stick. He wants to see you crack, mess up, crumble, cry and beg. Do not give him the satisfaction. He will really try to up his game if you manage to do it. Do not fall for it. Read the Gray rock article Skylar has written.
Revelation, you’re on your Healing Path, now. There will come a point (seriously) when “why?” will simmer down into “because he could.” I have always been one of those types that, if you explain to me WHY something must be done a certian way, I “get it.” I needed explanations. Well, some things are inexplicable and I had to get to “That Point” when “…because he could” was the best answer. At that point, my recovery became “All About Me” and what core-issues and false beliefs allowed ANY spath such easy access to harm me.
Bebe09, Darwinsmom is spot-on. Sunflower is spot-on, too. Spaths DELIGHT in seeing their targets reduced to rubble – it’s almost in line with sexual gratification. It is the greatest rush for them to know that they have the “power and control” to utterly destroy another human being. Aside from murder, they mean for their targets to “die” in some manner: physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually…….you name it.
“No Contact” is vital for your recovery. It is the first and MOST important step OF recovery. And, this includes “third-party-contact” from people who insist upon telling you what he’s doing to viewing his online profile. HE, and all of his enablers, are the INFECTION causing the fever of desperation. ONLY through cutting him (and, his enablers) off will you be able to purge that infection from yourself.
Keep reading. Keep posting. And, know that you’re not alone, even though you may “feel” as if you are.
Brightest blessings
Heather,
the WTF? moment is most certainly a red flag.
Sorry you are still being stalked. Spaths just can’t take no for an answer. I have a “spath” frienemy that I went NC with and she STILL pops up every once in a while trying to get me to respond. For her, it’s a “win” if she can force me to even say, “go away”, because that’s a response.
WTF? what is the obsession with getting a response? Why not just slither away? Normal people do not continue to press for attention where they aren’t wanted.
WTF? with alternating puncturing your tires with flowers and chocolate? I’m glad I gave you a giggle, but I hope that you are documenting these incidents with video because they are a sure sign of a disordered mind. Even people as brain dead as the court system has, will surely see that.
Bebe,
Everyone here is telling you to be strong, but I’m going to tell you : maybe not.
It’s hard to pretend to be strong, you might not make it. And if you do, well then why would you need a court order if you aren’t afraid?
I agree that you should write out what you need to say. Actually you already have, you posted it here.
With just a few changes, this could work. It is honest and true. It conveys your fear. You don’t have to be brave in the court room, you are there because you are afraid.
Even my african grey parrot Richard says “what the f what the f what the f”…. 3 times in a row. 🙂
Yes Skylar. I have put CCTV up at home and have an armed response company linked to my house alarm, there are wireless sensors in the front garden so he can’t even get up the garden path….
Unfortunately, serious violent crime in South Africa is so very out of control already that a relatively harmless stalker is really not a police priority, and the courts and jails are packed with murderers, drug dealers, rapists and the like.
Sadly one of his attempts would have to work before anyone would take me seriously.
Interestingly I was just reading a old post on this site about the link between agression and dopamine release. – Hate to think of myself as the mouse that’s called out for a pasting every time the aggressor pushes the button to open the gate between us…. But it did make sense of a lot.
Heather,
smart parrot! thanks for the laugh. 😆
Daisy,
I just noticed your post above.
You can email me through my blog.
Just click on the About page and you’ll get the contact info.
Heather, I spent some time in SA in the 1960s as a wild life photographer in The parks north of Durban mostly. It makes me sad to read all about the crime and drug problems in your lovely country now.
A friend sent me that book written about the colored woman who strangled her own son to death because he was drug addicted and dangerous– then walked and turned herself in. Fortunately she did not go to prison for doing something that as horrible as it was, was necessary to the safety of herself and the rest of her good family.
A sad story, but one I can relate too as my son is a murderer as well. I wish you safety and I hope that you are armed as well. (if it is still legal there) if not a gun, then one of the ALTERNATIVE weapons I recommend is cans of WASP SPRAY that shoot out of the aersol can 20 feet with a STREAM of bug poison that if it gets in their face is going to distract them from you IMMEDIATELY. The cans are cheap and you can have one sitting on every flat surface in your home as well as one in your car. The kind we have here don’t have to have a plastic top to be removed, they have a finger groove so you can’t point it in the wrong direction. Makes it quick and easy to get to.
Also, never park your car where it can be BLOCKED IN if you can help it…but inside a garage that is lockable if you can, and always keep your car keys in your pocket so if you need them in a hurry they are THERE. There are also several books about how to avoid stalkers.