If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Bebe,
skylar is right; it’s hard to be strong and maybe it’s not something you should “try” to do offhand, after all, I think becoming strong takes time and starts with working on your inner self first. It’s kind of like trying to put the cart before the horse.
Some people can “act strong” others need to work at it. I agree that writing everything down and practice, practice, practice will work best for you. Also if you walk into the courtroom try not to make eye contact with him; I know that’s difficult but try. Remain as “confident” in yourself as possible- he doesn’t own you, remember as skylar says you are there not because this man is the best thing in the world, you’re there because you fear this man. He is no good for anyone…. You can do this! 🙂
It’s ironic reading your posts as they somewhat mimic my own experiences; heck everyone’s experience somewhat mimics my own… After all we are all dealing with the “same” sick individuals. In any case, I myself have good and bad days but lately I’ve been dreaming about my exspath… Nothing great except watching him with another woman being happy. Then I wake up, look at my cell phone thinking maybe just maybe he reached out to me… But nothing and then I feel sad. But why in the hell am I still feeling sadness over him… It bothers me to some degree that he hasn’t reached out to me– why do I want him to? Why do I still want to be with him, yet on the other hand know he is a mental nutjob and is no good for me — can’t help but remember all the lies, love bombing, traumatic bonding crap I endured and put up with….
Please tell me going into month two of NC I will be able to get him out of my mind even more…. I really wish this guy never crossed my path, more so I wish I was knowledgable enough to pick up on the red flags…..
Daisy
I think grief works that way – it ebbs and flows. So you will have ups and down periods over months or years.
Also, maybe you haven’t done enough work on your family of origin and what made you a good victim of a spath. I thought it was all about the SPATH until I learned it wasn’t, it was more about my MOTHER, and, then, it was all about ME.
Also, over the years I have put in specific comments that make me findable and traceable if my spath was on this site. I went back and edited out key information later.
Athena
denbroncos007:
I feel the same. I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know how long it will take to get him out of your head. I think the time it takes directly correlates to how much damage they left behind and we are all different. We all hurt differently and we all heal differently and at different rates.
I kind of got a slap in the face this morning via some email exchanges I was having with a girlfriend. She got engaged at Christmas and they are good for each other, but there are two red flags in their relationship. She is well aware of both of them, but in my trying to talk to her about it and referring to MYSELF and my experience with spath, she came back to me and said that even more than that was that I was sleeping with a married man and nothing good can come from that. True, but it still stung. She wasn’t judging me and I’m not mad at her. It just REALLY made me realize that I will always end up looking like the bad one because he was married, but what about HIM? He’s the bastard, but he will come out smelling like a rose. He deceived me. I am so angry about that; not sure I will ever get over that part! He just went on his merry way and he’s not the one to be brought up in a bad way, but I am! Why does it seem like men always come out on top? I don’t want to be a man basher; I never have been, but lately I am seeing that they are the ones always in control. I am really starting to dislike them. I HATE that spath has done this to me…making me perhaps FOREVER untrusting of any man! This is really awful…a huge cross to bear. It takes a lot to heal from this. I am still consciously on my path though to find one thing everyday, however small, to be thankful for. Today it is that I am in a nice warm house while it is very cold outside. Peace to you all.
Athena,
I’m glad you mentioned your family of origin to Daisy. I think it’s one of the things most of us don’t realize how profoundly it has affected us. Most of us are in this situation because of the people who raised us. The abnormal seemed normal and we were used to living with red flags.
Hey Louise,
I also remember thinking, when I was about 30 years old, that I used to LIKE men and now I think they are all pigs. What changed? I met the spath.
Well, I no longer think that all men are pigs but I see them more clearly now. There are many narcissistic men who hate women. In fact the saying, “all the good ones are taken” was started IMO, because there are few who are not that way. It’s a spectrum disorder though.
I’m reading a good book called “The descent of woman”. I think it attempts to explain men’s attitudes toward women under the microscope of evolution. It’s very interesting.
Greetings to all. I don’t get on here very often to post, however I do read everyday… I can only do so from my phone, because I couldn’t afford the internet when the dirt bag left. Lovefraud has become a lifeline for me.
Louise, Your last post struck such a chord in me when I read it, you said… he is the bastard, but will come out smelling like a rose, he just went on his merry way. That is where I am stuck at right now, and cannot seem to get past that hurdle! For right now I have no other outlet, only Lovefraud. Just today I contacted our areas local Battered women’s shelter To see if I could get any help, and be able to talk to somebody. Much to my surprise, astonishment, and shock… I asked the lady on the phone if there was anybody available that I could talk to That is acquainted with sociopathy. She said, oh I’m so sorry we don’t have anybody available that is Acquainted with that!!! WTF!?!? Presently, I feel so angry and lost.. I am trying to hold on to my sanity, While attempting to maintain some sese of normalcy in my everyday existance. Now lately, it seems like the people that I have talked to about my situation, it is almost like… they just don’t want to hear about it anymore. As I type this, I am practically in tears. Does right and wrong mean anything anymore? Is there not justice for people that have been so brutally used, abused, and thrown into the trash? Most all of my life, I have always stuck up for, and defended people that were being
mistreated, weather they be family or friends. Now, I just feel so isolated and alone. I still have to continue on, And will do so. The love I have for my beautiful grandchildren, Is the only thing that is keeping me alive right now. The lingering question I have, what about the victim? It seems a stray dog that is picked up of the street, gets better care and concern, then a human being…..
… and another thing, I just get the impression that other people that I talk to about my situation,… any more, they are like….ohhhhhh ok….so sorry. Haven’t you talked about it enough? You just need to get over it, and move on? NOOOOOOO! Does one say that to a rape victim that has been brutalized? Just omg! That is how I feel most of the time, like I have been raped… raped emotionally, raped mentally, and to a certain degree raped physically, call that one “rape by deception”. So yes, in most waysi feel like a rape victin…………
Radar_On
I am sorry you have had to endure such carp in your life. Such as it is, and why we are all here. The archives have jewels for those times when no one is here to respond. It helps to know you are not alone. Your experience is unique to you, BUT parts of it is so similar to LOTS of us.
I have come to a conclusion that there is NO SUCH THING as JUSTICE….. BUT there is something better. There is contentment, peace, connection, love, quality of life, enrichment, empowerment, beauty…. Spaths do NOT experience ANY of these. ONLY you and your ‘sisters’ in spirit are capable of such pleasures.
On the left are catagories, and under that authors. I esp like articles by Kathleen Hawk. There’s a LOT to read, SO much that is helpful, as you make your journey to health and healing. BE Patient with yourself, give yourself grace, and know it a process so be KIND to yourself.
Best, Katy
ps People who tell you to get over it? Those are the SAME people who would NEVER tolerate what was done to you. But… they just don’t know what they don’t know. They are NOT who you need to validate you, even if some are at core, really good people.
Radar_On:
Your post made me very teary-eyed. I’ll be back later. Stay strong.
RAdar_on, you are right, folks don’t get it…and the DV shelter not knowing about sociopaths is a JOKE! 75% of all domestic abusers are Ps. DUH?!
Yea, people “get tired of hearing it” “move on” and believe me I don’t know anyone who has had a willing audience for their pain except HERE AT LOVE FRAUD. Even your best friends and family that love you (if you have any) get tired and are done listening.
Try an Al anon group you might get some people there who would “get it” maybe not the WORD psycho or socio/path but about the abuse. Also call another DV shelter and see if they have any COUNSELORS or group therapy available..even if they don’t get the WORD they get the actions and how it hurts. (((hugs))) and BTW you ae NOT ALONE!