If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Louise,
My spath was married too. Actually, he was divorced when we met. But he even lied about the date of his divorce, and the reason for his divorce, and that the judge DIED during his divorce, and (get this!) he continued to LIVE WITH HIS EX WIFE after the divorce, and then he remarried her, while seeing me. I feel sorry for her.
No, Louise, your spath, and my spath, won’t come out smelling like a rose. It might seem like that, but they don’t. They stink, they rot, they are pieces of shit, and they’ll get what’s coming to them, whether in this world or the next.
Athena
Moon, learning to listen to your gut is so important.
Hugs.
Athena
Darwinsmom,
Thank you, I will do what you suggested..I love your suggestion about the paper and pen. I have always felt more comfortable writing my feelings than trying to explain them. I do feel more powerful when i have my thoughts in front of me on paper. More prepared i suppose.
Sunflower,
Where can i find that article?
Truthspeak,
I know what you mean about third party contact being toxic. But i find myself angry that i cant talk to his family and some of our mutual friends. The people i know hes got a hold of already. I can only imagine what kind of story hes told all of them and what hes said about me. I mean i know that’s his family and they’re going to sick by him on anything and believe him no matter what but its just not fair! I know hes out there spreading some kind of story about how crazy i am and how i cant be trusted. I just wish i could tell them the truth and they would believe it. Maybe they will if he goes to jail for the fraud hes committed against my sister and brother in law. But even then they could just be mad at me for that. What boggles my mind is that his step mom was in (what sounds like to me now) The same type of relationship with his father and i cant talk to her about it. Even if i could get her alone i know she wont talk to me because shes gonna believe him over me because that’s family. I get it i really do its just so frustrating because they were all my friends.
Skylar,
Thank you i will try to edit my words on here and take them to court with me. I just fear that me being intimidated by him is not enough to prove that he is a danger to me in court. I have to prove that he has tried to contact me during the temporary RO in order to get the permanent one and all I’ve got is my roommates mom seeing him try to drive into the apartment complex one night and when he saw her he took off. Hes probably afraid of her because she clocked him in the jaw the night he was removed from my apartment …lol that was an amusing thought…but anyways its not enough because i called the sheriff and when they got here hes was long gone. But its not fair …who’s to say he not waiting for the RO to be gone!!
debroncos007,
Thank you for your kind words. i will try my best not to look at him , after all i don’t want to see him.
skylar:
Glad to hear you somewhat agree about men. Hey, I looked up that book on Amazon and I have to get it! I read the Index and the first few pages…extremely interesting!
EDIT: I just requested it from the Library!
Louise,
You’re right, everyone does heal differently; I do agree with you about the exspath looking “good” while I look like the “nutty” one. I admit my behavior wasn’t that of a “sane” person – i was driving myself nuts playing detective. Everything my exspath said never made much sense to me and after I realized he became withdrawn and angry with me when I did question him and/or bring up my feelings, I decided it was best for me to just keep quiet….all the while I was going crazy because I didn’t understand what was happening – I then began “detective” work to try and uncover what I already felt was the truth (his cheating lying ways). I wont go all into my story again since it’s already posted, but I still to this day wonder how these spaths sleep at night. How they can ruin on persons mind/sanity and go on to do the same to another —
There is also some conversation regarding being able to talk to friends about the split from a spath. I feel like an idiot continuing to talk about it with them because in their eyes, it’s been over a month…get over it already! But i try to explain to them that dealing with a break up from a spath is so different, but they still dont get it so I just keep mum.
When I feel down like I do now, I open up LF and start posting away or reading….it makes me feel better because it’s as if the “books/articles” and posts are “talking to me.” 🙂 So within a matter of about an hour, I feel better.
There have been moments today that I have wanted to reach out to the spath just to say Hi and ask how he has been doing? His mother died a year ago last week and I feel bad and thought about letting him know I was thinking about him and to let him know that i was here if he needed anything…….Then I am quickly drawn back to all that I went through and as much as I feel like I do care about him, I know it’s the false person he portrayed that I care about – but in general, why do I still feel for him in a caring way….as a human being although I Know he is a horrible excuse for one?
Athena and Skylar,
I am well aware of the family of origin stuff, lol. I know exactly what made me vulnerable. I take responsibility for that and can check that lesson off as learned well.
I grew up in a family where I was not loved and my mother was a N and had issues herself from her own childhood.
When POC (prince of chit) came along and professed his love for me I sucked it up like a sponge. He knew everything about me and loved me, or so I thought.
Darwinsmom,
I’m not in therapy at this time but I’m definitely considering it.
Radar_On:
I am sorry you are feeling so badly. It’s no fun. I am tired of feeling the shame of going out with someone who was married. People act like they have never done a f*ucking wrong thing in their lives. I hate that. Why should I have to feel bad for the rest of my life about it? It’s up to me to get over the shame and I will eventually, but it seems that people will not let someone forget. And like I said, no matter what he did, I will always be the bad one. I was bad, but I can’t beat myself up forever over that. I loved your remark about a dog being picked up on the street getting better care. Yep. I love animals, but yes, a lot of times they are taken better care of than people…truly sad. No, the way I see it, right and wrong don’t mean anything anymore. It is all backwards…what was wrong is right and what is supposed to be right is wrong. HUGS to you and know you are not alone.
denbroncos007:
What you are feeling in regards to wanting to reach out to him is common. We all feel like that (or have felt like that). I think it’s just because we loved them…truly loved them, but they didn’t love us. I feel that way about mine, too, but I won’t. I reached out so many times in the past 18 months and got rejected so many times. Before that, he would engage with me and happily so, but that’s because HE was in control. I guess when you are a married man, you HAVE to be the one in control. Makes sense to me. So anytime I would even get the inkling to reach out, I think, No Way!!! I would NEVER do it again and you must not either. If yours really does love you, he will come back. I always think of that old saying that if you love something, set it free…if it was yours, it will come back…if it doesn’t, it never was. I pray a lot and hope for healing.
Daisy,
That makes sense. You had 2 wounds from 2 mothers.
Healing from the wounds of the parental units is something I still haven’t figured out. How is it done? I have no idea. To be honest, I’m only slowly being able to open my eyes and see my parents for what they are. Oh, it has been HARD. I didn’t want to. That’s the first step, I guess, facing reality. But that is an intellectual exercise, the emotional healing is something else. If you have any tips or advice on that, please let me know because I’m quite lost about it.
A huge part of the reason that I’ve spent the last 3 years studying spaths and the red flags is because I know that my parents and my upbringing is what has made me vulnerable. Without knowledge, I have NO defenses against spaths. I’m TOO good at ignoring my gut instincts, I’m too good at trauma bonding. The only way I’m able to protect myself from spaths is to use my intellect because I’m emotionally incapable of choosing correctly.
Louise
You’re too kind — I won’t reach out mainly because I couldnt handle the rejection. If i reached out to him and he didnt respond or was callous I would sink into a deeper depression, plus I didn’t do anything wrong and why would I want him back in my life – even if he comes back or contacts me, he isn’t doing it out of love — if he loved me he would never have been me through what he did for a year 1/2.
So if you dont mind me asking– did yours promise you the moon and stars and tell you he was leaving his wife? I am just curious; I admit to being on both sides of the fence when it comes to cheating. I years and years ago was w/ a married man, but he wasn’t a spath – there were feelings but no promises being made to me and we ended up just deciding it was best for both of us to stop what we were doing so we did….And to this day (he is no longer married) he and I are friends, but nothing more.