If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Oxy:
Exactly! So well put. Wow, the learning for me is really on a roll tonight. God has inspired yours and skylars words to me. It IS a way of life for them. So true. This is just how they operate and we got sucked in so unknowingly. I had no idea what hit me.
Yep, you bet I learned! And I get flack for that, too…you know me, the no sex girl! Hahaha! BUT…I learned!! That should count for something. I will not make that same mistake even with a single guy. No way. I will not allow a man ever again to use me in that way. So I learned from my poor choice and have resolved to not ever do it again. In this way, I am honoring God. I also pay my tithes so there are two ways I honor God and he has blessed me because of it. God’s promise is true…if we obey him, He will bless us.
Thanks, Oxy!
Skylar/Louise
You both mention that a spath ALWAYS comes back — but is that always the case? If not, then why wouldn’t they come back? Would it be because they know deep down you’re smart enough to NOT take them back? Louise, you mentioned yours had come back as did Sylar’s but each time the situation got worse, so was it a simple case of the spath came back one more time but you shot him down – so now you know for sure he won’t be back?
Its very interesting to listen to everyone’s situation – some spaths are cruel to animals some are tender and loving, some are physical abusers, some are not, some rob you blind, others dont touch your finances — so is the only thing they really have in common is that they have no empathy or regard for another human beings feelings – they simply can’t relate to how their actions could/would affect those in their lives?
How can a spath be a spath yet have complete different characteristics – such as the ones I mentioned above? I know I am missing a core concept and if anyone could help fill in the blanks that would be great! Trust me, I read, read, read, and read, but some of the information I read is the complete opposite of my exspath – can there be a extreme spath and a semi-spath? Is there such a thing or if you are a spath, you are one all the way?
Hope my questioning makes sense to someone who can help me understand this
skylar:
I swear, everytime you say something, another bell goes off in my head!
You bet I felt he was special. I remember saying to him, “I wish you weren’t married.” His reply was, “Don’t we all have something?” Kind of goes along with the exception thing… Hmmmm…
Denbronco,
mine came back a few more times after I finally dumped him. I had even told him, “You are a sociopath, that is what is wrong with you.”
He called and sent email at first, trying to feed. He sent cops and others to attack me, for the drama and control.
After I went NC, he sent annual emails up until about a year ago. That was the last time. But I know I’ve not heard the last. He’ll be back, because I was supposed to die and my continual breathing is an offense to him. I’ve not responded for 3 years now but he will keep trying, keep sending minions etc…
It’s just how they are.
As far as the differences, well that is because WE are different. WE have different things they want. They want whatever WE value. Since you and I have different values, the spaths will attack in different ways. They will wait to see what you have that you value and then find ways to make you lose it.
In the end, what they want is your life. They want you to be so miserable that you kill yourself and if you don’t then they can arrange it for you.
denbroncos007:
Fundamentally, they are ALL the same. They lie, cheat, manipulate, hurt and destroy. They just all do it in different ways. Like mine didn’t want a red cent from me, but it was all about sex and power and control. But other people on here have been drained financially. In my opinion, it doesn’t mean that one is more or less any spathy…they just get their kicks in different ways. Although, there are spectrums. Some are worse than others and some aren’t spaths, but they are extremely narcissistic. What I have said before is this…what does it really matter? If they hurt us and cheated and lied and manipulated and led us on, they are not good. They MAY have some good qualities, but the bad outweighs the good. We all just have to decide what we are going to put up with. Isn’t that what it all comes down to? Why do some marriages stand the test of time even though the husband or wife is downright terrible? Because the other spouse is putting up with it. That is the bottom line.
Louise,
I agree with you about Skylar! He’s a GEM to LF and to me because his posts keep me “sane” and feeling better! 🙂 (Thanks Skylar).
Anyhow, when you were with your exspath did you ever feel that you didn’t quite feel 100% secure in your relationship with him? Did you find yourself questioning the things he would say but be afraid to ask the questions you had spinning out of control in your head? Just wondering if you had any of these types of experiences while you were w/ your ex?
Louise,
“don’t we all have something?”
what a motherf***er. Classic. just classic.
Denbronco,
I’m a woman!! 🙂
Louise,
you say he didn’t want your money but you ended up losing the source of your income.
Many spaths don’t want our money, they just don’t want us to have it either. I think your spath was trying to drive you as insane as possible so you would have a nervous breakdown. The result of which could have been much worse than your early retirement.
DB7,
Your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs are my thoughts exactly!!
Also, my spath always came back. I was told that he tried to make contact this last time but knew I was done with him.
Rochelle, I’m so glad that you recovered from breast cancer and he’s one vicious jackass, right?
No matter WHAT the age might be, we are each one of us “beautiful” in our recoveries – and, that goes for the men in recovery, as well. There is nothing more “beautiful” than strength and wisdom.
DenBroncos007, the exspath will never come back, and thank GOD for that! He has no reason to come back or to attempt to plead his case with me. I called him a sociopath to his face – I detailed WHY he fits the profile and that he will forever be cursed by his own actions. That’s why he will never attempt to contact me. He knows (because I TOLD him) that anything that came out of the hole in his face is not true, not real, and not to believed. Ever.
Skylar, spot-on. Your last 2 sentences in your response summed it up without any sugar-coating. They mean to destroy – whether by murder, murder-by-proxy, or victim-suicide.
2013 is going to be a “good” year. I’ve been “feeling” better than I have for a long, long time, even if my situation is dire. So what? EVERYONE’S situation is dire!
Brightest blessings of absolute empowerment to ALL in recovery. Feel it. Know it to be true.
denbroncos007:
Skylar is a woman! 🙂 And she is great!
Oh, God, did I ever!! That should have been a red flag to me. I was always a nervous wreck around him. Never felt secure, but at the same time, felt the best ever…hahahaha! If that makes sense, I’ll send you a million bucks! That’s how addicting it was.