If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Denver, I counted down the hours, days, weeks and the months too…thanking God each day for getting me through. I know what you mean. How long was it before you found out about him being involved with someone?
denbroncos007:
You are welcome! I am glad I was of help to someone!! 🙂
From what you just said, he really, really sounds like bad news. It really sounds like he is out to just get sex from all these women with no committment whatsoever. He was doing all that and had you, too! How old is he?? Were you by chance tested for STDs? I’m worried with all those women he was with and then coming back to you!
I have no trust in men, either. Every which way I turn, I hear and see nothing but bad. I should count my lucky stars I don’t have to deal with all that drama.
Louise- I’m 38 and he is 52 (you would think he would have grown up by now, yeah right!) I must add he was married for 26 years and was not true to his marriage, although he never admitted to cheating, just talking to other women; but has been divorced now for 5 years (I was never w/ him or really knew him when he was married); and yes I did go get tested and clean as a whistle, thanks god! He enjoys power and control and uses sex as the tool so to speak, when I first met him he would tell me he is the “alpha male” and always boasted about how WONDERFUL he was in bed. And how he can hook women and once he hooks them, they are hooked. He was right about all of that, but now i see them all as red flags. A little too late, but maybe not becasue I can see the signs ahead of time now! I know what you mean about the drama – that is all I was involved in was drama with the ex. Sounds like you were as well; were you with yours for long? Was he “faithful” to you or do you even know?
Daisy -Good question, but which time are you referring to? When I first got involved with him, I found out 5 months into the relationship that he was with someone at the exact same time he was with me, although he put an end to her before I actually found out about her – he claims, the guilt got the best of him. Yea Right! then after that it was about a month 1/2 before I found out he actually cheated on me again, with someone new; but this time he claimed it was nothing; it was just sex and she won’t be coming back? I even asked him can he be faithful – and at that exact moment he said he doesnt want to make me any promises he can’t keep – meaning he isn’t sure he could be. Of course, that made me want him even more in sick way. I ended up getting him to say he would really try to be faithful – so of course, I stayed…again! The next time after that I found out two months later that he was “talking” to two other women – of course, his story was it was nothing, it was harmless flirting and that I was just jealous and had insecurity issues. He would tell me he wasnt put on this planet to make sure that I felt secure about him and I…..So now we are about 12 total months into our relationship and it took only 3 months for me to uncover someone else. She was married, they were exchanging flirtatious emails, raunchy ones too. That time I had it, i broke up with him and well he came back two weeks later, I went to his house to talk, now to find out all he really wanted was sex but said that we could work things out and he would be faithful – YET if i stayed in the relationship I wasnt allowed to continue to bring up the past. His whole thing was that once it’s been discussed that is the end of it – there was NEVER any time after i caught him that he was remorseful or even tried to help me get through the betrayal. Anyhow, I ended up not being able to take it and left – two weeks later he came back and I let him back in – we were split up for a month; ended up getting back together and we both had decided that we needed to do things right – he was getting rid of all outside distractions (women) and I so believed him; of course, he never did get rid of them. It felt great for two weeks – then 2 months in I started to sense him being weird, withdrawn, not so nice, but then all of a sudden he would be all nice and loving and cuddling, but then turn the other way the next day – very weird. So, I found out he had been seeing and sleeping with a married woman and by this time I had it – i was pissed, I packed up my stuff, looked him in the face and told him he has issues and i deserved better and I got out….Havent heard from him since.
So in a nutshell, in the year 1/2 (approx) I was with him, about every three months I uncovered something new. It was never ending – but what was sad is that it should have never took me 4 betrayals/stabs for me to get a clue. Plus the amount of detective work I had to do gave him ammunition to call me crazy and me invading his privacy and me needing help and I’m a jealous insecure nut and that i will always be jealous and insecure. I didn’t do anything illegal but I snooped; checking his emails, his car, his phone, stupid teenage stuff and while I was behaving so ill, i felt like an idiot! But still did it anyhow, because i needed to somehow find proof so that I knew I was NOT crazy!
He has cheated in every relationship he has been in and i knew this going into this thing with him — I of course, just thought i was different becasue he pulled out ALL the charm. After all — we had “cosmic chemistry”
Looking back now; i think to myself, this is NOT how normal people behave!
Hmmm, the conversation here made me realize something…
I think I kinda forced his hand in ending it. He kept up this idea that we were still a couple even though he had already hooked his new victim two months before that (she probably got hooked after 2 weeks or so). Of course it was long distance. I had not bought tickets for Nicaragua to visit him during the Christmas holidays (no money), but I was planning to visit during the 2 months of summer holidays (I’m a teacher). The only way I could afford it was by tourleading a trip first in Latin America in July, and then extend my trip and flight to Nicaragua.
Because of his neglect of me, and this became acutely visible for the knee operation I was having, I had angrily said the night before the operation (I finally had him on the phone 3 hours before I had to go to hospital) that I certainly did not feel like flying from Peru to Nicaragua by the summer.
And of course, a week later I received the notice that he “had met someone else”… I only learned from others, never from him, that he was to fly to London and stay there that summer. That he wasn’t gonne be in Nicaragua (they told me that to convince me that it was completely safe to visit). In fact I learned that he actually flew down to London 2 weeks after he ditched me.
I now think that I kinda forced his hand. If I hadn’t been so angry and ready to break if off myself, he would have flown to London and stayed in London, all the while letting me believe we were still an item and have me fly to Nicaragua only to have me discover then and there he wasn’t there. I think this was his original plan. But I started to force his hand, and so did the new victim as well probably (after discovering on fb he was still registered as being in a relationshit with me).
I’m even surprised I didn’t think of this earlier… because that’s what he did to the other Belgian ex-gf (not be home when she arrived to visit him) as well as the Norwegian ex-gf (get married and divorced to a US woman, and have the Belgian ex-gf, while juggling a relationship for 7 years with the Norwegian girl).
Heck, he might have thought he could pull it off, and have a win-win situation… either me feeling utterly stupid for being in Nicaragua for nothing, AND/OR him then telling me that he had some opportunity and could visit me in Belgium, paying for it “himself” (after his 3 months were up in London) or some shit-story like that. I think that in the long run he hoped to get several relations in Europe to hop from one country to the next for 3 months: all the women he tried to hook, before he found the new victim, other than myself were European, but from different set of countries. He never tried to hook a US woman for a long-term-distance relationshit (not after his ex-wife). Of course, that would never have worked, since the 3 month stay counts for ALL of Shengen + non-Shengen EU countries. You have to leave the EU for 3 months per half year.
Wow Denver…I’m so sorry. Thank God that you got a clean report!
The one he is involved with now, was she one of the ones he had been with during you?
Was there no one to warn you about him? No previous victims?
denbroncos007:
You say you packed up your stuff…were you living there? Or did you just mean the stuff you had around at the time? I ask this because how in the world did he find TIME to be with all these other women? Does he have a job? When he was with all these other women, where did you think he was? Where would he tell you he was going? And if some of them were married, do you think they were going to hotels?? Geez.
To answer your questions, I was not with mine long at all, but long enough to do damage. If you draw it out the whole time we had contact it was about 19 months, but the actual “relationship” was only 3-4 months. HA!…that’s a joke…was he “faithful” to me! He was legally married and even though he said he hadn’t had sex with her since 2007 (this was now 2010 when he told me this), he very likely could have been. Something told me that was the truth though because she had kicked him out due to finding out he was cheating so I don’t think she wanted to be anywhere near him so it made sense to me that they would not be having sex. But even if he wasn’t having sex with her, I believe he was with that OW in my office. Sooooo, there you have it. Me? I haven’t had sex with anyone since him, March 2010…it’s going to be three years in two months…I can’t believe it! So who knows who he has been with, but I haven’t been with anyone. I suspect he may be separated again. I think (but don’t know for sure) that the woman he supposedly fell in love with moved here (the one he was kicked out of the house because of) and he maybe seeing her again. I really don’t have any idea. Or he could be with his wife being a totally good boy which is what I hope is happening. I actually pray for that.
Darwinsmom,
You said…he would have flown to London and stayed in London, all the while letting me believe we were still an item and have me fly to Nicaragua only to have me discover then and there he wasn’t there.
What a jerk!
MoonDancer:
I hope you read this post. About a friend from the past calling to catch up with you? I am not the person I was 10 years ago. Hell, I am not the person I was 2 years ago. I LEARNED things matter to me NOW. I evolved b/c of my life experiences and tragedies. Mebbie yer old friend is a wash… and mebbie he’s learned and grown some character. You don’t know.
Just saying, life is short. I think it’s worth checking out his intents. Yes, of course Protect yourself. Use your discernment and wisdom that you’ve gained from being infected with an spath. People don’t usually change, but I have, and so have you, so there’s a possibility he has too. But… write it off when you know, not b/c of how he behaved 10 years ago.
Just my opinion. B/c at my age? Meeting people isn’t the opportunity it used to be. And you n me are the same age.
Best, Katy
Louise,
You pray for him to be with his wife? Why?
The reason I ask is because I did/do the same thing. Just wondering if we’re on the same page.
Daisy,
I know that with the other Belgian ex of his, he was in Costa Rica instead of Nicaragua while she flew in to visit him. She was so mad when she discovered he wasn’t there and didn’t give any response, that she hooked up with someone else. When he eventually returned he then called her a whore and tried to incite a mate of his against her. Until the mate discovered that her new boyfriend was his cousin… and so the joke was on him then.
But it’s part of his MO. It was in front of my nose that it was his original intention to try to do that, but a part of me still didn’t even want to consider he’d have that kind of gall to think it would work. (I don’t think it would, because I was letting him go more and more already)
Oh yeah, he’s a class A JERK, but also a full blown psychopath imo, as well as dangerous. Having me fly to Nicaragua for nothing would have been one of his lesser evil acts and least dangerous one. The guy sent his mates after me to assault-rob me and then later he played the hero for getting wanted thugs put into jail by the police over it (though they hadn’t done it)
He drained my credit and my cash, but he knew beforehand I was not really rich. He used me as his personal status card though to make his family (especially his father) and neighbours believe in him once more, and he loved the fact that I wasted money on him.