If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Louise/Daisy-
I didn’t live there – we lived about 2 1/2 hours apart, but I was there every single weekend; A lot of my “stuff” was at the house; i had a lot of clothes in his closet, shoes, hair dryer etc…you know the typical stuff you need but dont want to cart back and forth between two houses so you have two sets of everything – so that is what I mean by “packed” up – it was a weekend, so I had packed up my stuff and left.
The woman he is probably with is one he had been “talking” to and who he slept with while he was with me and to be honest, I don’t really know for sure if they are together or not. I have no idea for sure, but I know him well enough to know, he is stringing along a few of them. Sad thing Daisy, is that I saw him as dangerous and even questioned him about all his qualities that I did know about before i became involved with him. But someone as he always says “he can hook women.” He hooked me – There were so many signs that were so apparent to me, but I ignored them and I shouldn’t have. Again, I thought i was “different” but now realize no one person can change a spath or any man for that matter – they either have to change for themselves or they simply can’t be changed. This guy is 52 years old, I highly doubt ANYONE could change him even if they could – he is a spath – i used to think he was an extreme narcissist until my therapist told me I described to her a spath – I was floored, but he fits the M.O.
The way he probably gets away with all of his shenanigans is he has what he claims as a “job like no one else could understand.” His job is so unique – which it really isn’t. yes he is on call, yes he does work 7-4 or whatever, but sometimes he can work until whee hours of the morning. Plus he owns a side business that he works at occasionally in the evenings after his normal 7-4 job. What is so funny looking back now, every single weekend I was at his house, he would leave the house every single Saturday for the entire day and tell me he was going to “work.” I believed him because it is something he has ALWAYS done – even before he met me; his kids would even tell me he is a major workaholic and I am sure he is, but this is also the way he can be sneaky as well. SO he would leave me at his house to go to work – Sundays were “our days” together but Saturdays i am sure he did work, but sometimes I dont think he was actually at work.
Also, I found out towards the the half way mark of our relationship he had another phone – he got another phone. His reason was “for work” (bullcrap) my thought as to why he had it was because I tightened the noose around his neck and he knew I looked at his cell phone all the time —
As for previous victims, I didn’t know anyone; except the biggest kicker, I set up one of my friends (not close) with him before I became involved with him and she would tell me things that made me think this guy is a total player — and i still got involved with him! He used the same lines on me as he used on her yet i kept a blind eye! What the hell was wrong with me?!?!?!? Unreal
Louise – I dont think that the length of time you’re with a spath makes a difference; the damage (I think) is the same! It’s horrible and difficult to put your “head” back together. 🙁 We will all get there …..soon!
darwinsmom,
hahahaha…small world with the bf being the cousin.
Is that his way of ending the relationship or just for the heck of it?
Darwinsmom –
I hear you loud and clear. I didn’t force my spaths hand, instead what I did was I started uncovering his true identity. I recall the last time I caught him cheat, he came out and told me he was embarrassed at what he had done. Why he said this and if he really meant it, is beyond me! Doesnt matter becasue it wasn’t the first time, so really, I think it was just words he felt like spitting out of his awful mouth.
Anyhow, by me forcing him into a corner it caused more issues for us – but they were all my fault and because I was jealous and insecure. It was all because I couldnt just move on and get over what he had done….yet how was i supposed to when I had to support from him? And every time i turned around I uncovered something else – so by me pushing him into a corner and keeping this microscope on him, it drove him nuts, even me crying was unattractive to him becasue when I would cry all he would do is sit there, offer no remorse, no hugs, and on a few occassions, he would start cleaning! I’m thinking DUDE WTF is wrong with you – how could you have no heart…..BUT by me being this way, he was already working on another target so treating me this way was easy to him because he was getting a supply of whatever it was that he needed from someone else because i was no longer giving it to him — i was no longer exciting, i was this weak, pathetic, insecure, jealous woman who had no backbone….But he stayed with me anyhow and he will tell people he did it because he felt sorry for me….
Unreal how these men behave and for yours to do or plot such a thing is absolutely downright horrible! Not much difference than what mine does – several times i bought us plane tickets or tickets to go see a play or something, and it wouldnt matter to the spath if he had to back out or cancel – it was no big deal to him; it was all about him and his needs/wants…..Can’t believe your ex would have had you fly all that way and then not be there! I ‘m glad you forced his hand — JERK!
denbroncos007:
OK, things make a little more sense now. I can see since you lived so far apart, that gave him a lot of room and time to be with other women. Nope, at 52, he is never going to change; they just don’t. You and me and a lot of other people have learned that lesson about trying to “fix” someone.
Daisy — you’ve been offering so much solace to me this evening with your feedback that I wonder — how are you? How are you dealing with your situation? Do you ever feel vulnerable or a need to reach out to the ex?
Denver,
Wow, he went as far as getting another phone, hahaha. I guess he will since he sounds just like your spath. How did you find out about the phone?
No, it’s not his way of ending a relationshit. It’s his way to juggle multiple ones.
He started a relationshit with a Norwegian girl when she was 13-14. He was 19 then. This relationshit lasted 7 years. That means it had ended about half a year before I met him and got involved. In the meantime, in between her visits, he got married and divorced (all in 6 months) with a woman from the US (I believe Seattle), as well as got involved with the Belgian gf. The Norwegian girl did not find out about hm being married and divorced until much much later (because his father refused to lie about it any further). She said there were countless other women, but the marriage and the Belgian girl were the long term ones. (I knew he had been in a relationship with all 3 of them, but not how long, and never that it criss-crossed each other, not until the day it was over and I contacted this Norwegian ex to hear her story). Shortly after she broke up with him, he got a Nicaraguan girl pregnant – the daughter of his private teacher who helped him graduate HS. That 19-year old girl -obviously pregnant – actually lived with his mother when he and I visited his mother (he told me she was a cousin… what did I know huh). His original plan was to stay the night at his mom’s, but he rushed us in a cab after half an hour. Perhaps he knew the girl was living there and his proposal was a lie from the start, and he only wished to hurt the girl’s feelings by showing her he was with a European woman. Anyway, his son was born a week before he arrived in Belgium (and he wasn’t anywhere near the birth). I didn’t found out about his son until the next summer (9 months after the birth), and I think he confessed it, because his father threatened to inform me otherwise.
I do not pray he stays with the London victim (he’s married to her now). Any woman deserves so much better than that good-for-nothing. I wouldn’t wish him on anyone.
darwinsmom:
That is the exact same MO my exspath used…making a date and then not showing up. How cruel is that?? He did it to OW, too. That was his way of getting women to get mad and then be so mad that they would end it. He did it to me over and over again. At first it was innocent…he would suggest that we do something…meet for a drink…go to an NFL game and then NOTHING. When the time would come to go, I would text and get silence! He did this for months. He even did it up until the last minute when I was trying to get closure…said he wanted to meet and then wasn’t there! I drove downtown and walked into an empty bar. WTF?? I then waited for a few days before I said anything at all to him…he never replied and that was the last communication we ever had. Sick. Very sick. Skylar talked to me about this before. He wanted me to be mad and I wouldn’t get mad. I am that easy going that I just didn’t care. I think it drove him nuts. Either that or he thought I was really stooopid! Anyway, just wanted to let you know I went through the same thing as far as them not showing up or being where they were supposed to be. Frustrating.
Thank you Denver,
I do ok…my situation is very hard but I’m getting by day by day. Reading and talking with people here has really helped. I see the ones who have gone through situations similar to mine and y’all have survived so I know I can too.
I do not ever want anything to do with my ex, at all, ever. At times I do have a desire to reach out to him and wrap his danglers around his neck..hahaha…just teasing. Maybe…lol
I’ve been talking to his current victim and just that has me so sucked back in that I know I want nothing to do with him.
Daisy:
I pray/prayed for him to be with his wife for many reasons. First of all, they are married and that is where he is SUPPOSED to be. He has two very good kids…13 and 15 and I think about them all the time. They are both very good athletes and do well in school. They are beautiful on the outside and I think on the inside, too (I credit the way they have turned out to the wife). I believe from the little that I know that his wife is a pretty good person. He said she was a bitch and this and that…nothing too terrible…just little things here and there and I don’t think it’s true at all. He did say she was an incredible mother so that was nice of him to say. So basically, I pray for them to be together because of their children and just because I would rather see him home with his family and trying to make it work than being out there trying to be with every woman who flips his fancy. Why did you want that for your spath?