If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Denver, it is very difficult. That is why I had a relapse. I was doing fine with NC.
I spend so much time on my messages thinking about how to word something so as not to reveal too much. I hate it. I would love to just spill it all out here, even his name to warn others~lol.
Here is the link to Skylar’s chat room
http://180rule.com/180-chat-room/
Daisy –I almost want to watch it again now. I haven’t seen the movie in many years but can recall thinking, how “stupid” can these women be — well I fell trap to one of those spaths and I don’t consider myself really “stupid” but can now see how easily we become prey to them —
In a strange way, I want to say I am glad this has happened to me because if it didn’t, I wonder how many more spaths I would have had to endure before really seeking any help – since I am in therapy now. I have had three sessions with my therapists and she said we need to start working on my inner self to figure out why I feel I need these types of people in my life (spaths) or why I feel that is all I deserve. I am sure it has to do with abandonment issues I felt from my dad – he was such a loving, caring dad, but when my parents divorced I saw less and less of him – my step mother (once my dad remarried) was jealous of my sister and I, so my dad had to “sneak” to see us since we werent allowed at his house…..Anyhow, I was “daddy’s little girl” and felt abandoned because he couldnt always keep his promises to come see us due to my wicked step mother — then when I was 13 my dad passed away — so am sure some of this has to do with that issue, which is something I have always known, but never dealt with – i think deep down I have anger towards my father…..but pretend it doesnt exist, therefore, when a nice man comes into my life (like my 2nd husband) who was a nurturer, loving, caring, honest, hard working, every thing you could ever ask for in a man, he was perfect, but I treated him not so great…..I wasn’t “mean” but I took advantage of him and probably becasue I felt I didnt deserve that kind of love….
Anyhow……it’s a step in the right direction but a long road to really healing!
Daisy – are you signed up on Skylar’s page with the same name? I think I am except for the 007; dont even ask me why i added numbers, just a form of habit these days to making username and passwords strong!
I can say I am located in PST – so if you’re EST you’re 3 hours ahead of me — hopefully we can connect tomorrow sometime. Are you typically logged into the chat room? I have never used it but am sure I could figure it out…..
Denver,
I used to think my relationshit was a cake-walk to those of others here… and still is. I actually only had to endure him around me for only a few months a year. It’s a VERY bad sign when you are eager to get your bf on the plane or get on the plane yourself and looking forward to at least half a year of peace.
Aside from the robbery, he never laid his hands on me. It was all just a rollercoaster of sleep deprivation, worry, stress, anxiety about him (is he being good, is he safe, isn’t he getting into trouble, etc), and the gaslighting and emotional abuse up to a level (he didn’t have too many in-s luckily for me that way). I do think he raped a girl though (based on a rape that allegedly occured, where he played the ‘saviour’, but there’s no explanation on how the rapist got entry into ‘his’ house, when he was hte sole one with a key, and supposedly outside), and because I know he hates me thoroughly now I know it’s unsafe to ever visit his native village again. Chances for me getting robbed by a knife and some accident happening is high imo, whether he’s in the country or not. He knows too many unsavory types there. Expats I still am in contact with don’t get it that I don’t think it’s safe to ever show my face there again. But Nicas always say, “Entiendo.” I don’t need to explain to them why I don’t think it’s safe anymore. Because they know. And I have no intention to hook up with someone’s cousin there 😉
You do recover from it, get over it, and you can make a much better world for yourself out of it – that is make room for genuine people, rather than toxic ones.
Now I can laugh about it that I fell for a man whose only positives were his charm and his gift for pity play. Aside from that he was a thief, a thug, a constant cheater, a drug dealer and an addict.
darwinsmom,
I think the same thing when I read some of the stories on here. I really was very lucky. Only thing he damaged was my emotions. I know I’ve learned a lesson from it.
Denver,
I’m in there under a different name. I think I logged in and then forgot I was in there. I’m in CST.
Darwinsmom:
Have you ever just sat down and made a list of the good and bad qualities of your exspath? I am sure you have; but if anyone reading this hasn’t I really recommend you do it – seeing this stuff on paper does so much and referring back to it is therapeutic. I have a very short list of good qualities about my exspath and they all fit on one hand; the bad qualities go on for what seems like eternity — when I look at this list, I think to myself (while simultaneously slapping myself on the face j/k) what the F are you thinking? Why are you fretting over this??? It’s a WAKE UP call to myself and i refer to it as often as I can – somedays it works to get me out of a funk, other times it doesnt; but in the middle of the night, when most of the LF family is asleep and unable to respond to a post, I open up that list and it holds me over til “morning.”
Actually, I didn’t Denver. I used a total different trick to help me not to think of him in a positve way.
My problem (well problem) is that by nature positive memories have a stronger impact on me emotionally than negative ones. Negative thoughts are never real good motivators for me. So, reminding myself of all the bad he did in comparison to the good would not have eased the first pain of NC for me.
I fought the fraudulent positive with other positives. The moment my mind wandered to some loving moment between him and I, I would search my brain for a very positive memory in my life where I felt overwhelmed with a happy feeling, but was ALL BY MYSELF. I’ve traveled extensively with my backpack: I’ve seen nature in its many wonderful forms, starry skies, vistas, wild animals, shared heartwarming moments with complete strangers. They were my treasure chest of memories. So, instead of thinking about the moment I was falsely led to feel happy with him, instead I thought of such a moment where I was genuinely happy and no man was responsible for making me feel that way. And as I let the happy memory of those moments engulf me again I would repeat to myself “You see, you were at least as happy then, all on your own, if not happier, than you were with him.” More, while I do not travel as much anymore, I still can and still will. So, I knew that at least in that way, I could still be as happy just like in those real, all-by-myself memories. I needed to do this for a few months. And I made some good memories in the Amazon the summer after. After that, no good memory of him crept up on me anymore. Now, only the bad are left, and I know these were very real.
I can describe those bad features and bad events, but I actually don’t feel a thing about them anymore. It doesn’t trigger me. Though reading something similar from someone who’s still living it, might cause me to feel like having a dizzy head again just like I had in those times. BUt other than that it’s all emotionally frozen up in an arctic tomb. At some point I imagined myself pushing the memory of him off a mental arctic shelf, like the inuit do with spaths. And that’s where he is to this day: frozen like a male Laura Palmer in my personal arctic.
Thanks Ox. Yes, I have read your story and can’t imagine (even with my own experiences) what you’ve had to go thru, or how you have come out of it with such strength & resolve…
I have a 10 pound lump hammer next to the front door, knives stashed around the house and tins of oven cleaner, deep heat menthol spray and various other “weapons” at intervals.. Panic buttons linked to the armed response all over and the best lawyer in CT on speed dial in case I am forced to defend myself!
As has been pointed out frequently, you can’t underestimate the lengths these idiots go to..
I’m past the point where I care that most people think I’m a mad old bat.
As a PS, I did go for my firearm training, and have a certificate but elected not to get one for fear that I would be tempted to use it….
HeatherCT, I have taken some of OxD’s suggestions about self-protection to heart as the exspath works in an environment that brings him in direct contact with convicted murderers, and it is my understanding that it doesn’t take much money to hire an ex-con to take someone out.
Daisy, there are so many specifics of my own situation that I don’t post because the exspath had been to LoveFraud before when I was dealing with another matter on this site. I don’t CARE if he recognizes himself in my posts – I haven’t used his given name, nor disclosed where he works or lives. The more that I read, the more people could fit the bill of the exspath that I describe. It’s like a farking epidemic, and if the exspath IS reading my posts and recognizes whom I’m describing, GREAT! He’s a predator who is devoid of a soul, empathy, conscience, and remorse and I’m SURVIVING.
So, you can provide SOME details that could probably be applied to a thousand spaths out there. LET them read about your recovery, girl!
Brightest blessings