If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
I’ve been doing research on the possibility of my fiance being a sociopath..and i’m still confused as to whether or not he is a habitual liar or a sociopath. He has all the qualities of a sociopath (8 or 9 out of 10 on this list), but there is one major part of his life that doesn’t follow suit with a sociopath. He has sacrificed a lot of his life being a step father to a girl whos mother pretty much abandoned her emotionally. (the child is now 19yrs old and does back up his story of the mother being irresponsible and negligent) If my fiance was a true sociopath then he would lack the ability to care about the child right? He lies all the time, about stupid things and not so stupid things. He’s incredible at his ability to seem genuine when he apologizes, and I recently decided that before he and i go further with our relationship.. him, his step daughter, and i, have to sit at a table and discuss things so we are all on the same page about everything. he agreed that would be okay so we’ll see where that goes. I’m still confused however about what I should think about his lying. sociopath or just habitual lying? Any help? suggestions? more information?
Confused Girl, a trustworthy sign that you are in a relationship with someone you probably shouldnt be, is when you feel compelled to start googling ”sociopath” and find your way onto a site like Love Fraud. Things have to be pretty bad for you to be here, right?
If you are researching if your finacee is a sociopath, then I’d suggest that it doesn’t matter much what kind of clinical diagnoses a psychiatrist would give him. (Psychiatrists don’t diagnose people as sociopaths at any rate, they the term Anti Social Personality Disorder )
What matters is that you, his partner, have identified many very unhealthy and worrying traits in this man.
Constant lying and substance abuse are the things you pin point in your posts as worrying you. It’s good that he is attending NA, and people can and do control their addictions if they are determined and motivated. But giving up smoking dope is not going to stop him lying, or change his fundamental personality. My sister is a recovering alcoholic, and whilst stopping drinking has saved her life, it has not changed her personality.
Sustance addiction is often seen in people who have personality disorders. Whilst quitting drugs may improve some aspects of your relationship, be opened eyed to the fact that personality disorders are not cureable. They can’t be changed by 12 step programs or medication or therapy.
All the best, and do what is right to keep yourself safe and healthy.
confused girl~
Lemme spain you about habitual or pathological lying…i looked for years for this answer. Why tell you the truth when you can use it against them, when they can tell you a lie and use it against you? In other words, they can work a lie into their scheme. Ergo, H/P Liar=S/P Path.
My exspath came into our relationship with nothing…not one penny, made me believe he was a contractor with jobs ongoing, borrowed a $10K credit card from me and while he was in the process of maxing it out twice (i paid it off once), he told everybody, including my friends that he spends all his money on me! He was such a blow hard! And lots of the things he claimed his ex wife had done to him in their marriage, he ended up doing to me! My proof that he was a good guy…he and his ex wife were roommates! He had a daughter together and they were living together to co-raise their daughter. The ex wife told me he was a good person. Now, she says he is a sociopath, he uses people and is dead to her…they have had almost no contact since he met me. Sometimes people vouch for these people hoping others might be able to help them if they put in the good word. Run like the wind girl, make no investment in him. The more you invest, the less they are worth!
R
Confused girl – do you want to spend the rest of your life with a liar? It is unlikely that he will change.
Well, he has recently decided to conquer his addiction to marijuana and that 100% his choice. I even went with him and his daughter came too, to an NA meeting where he opened up and shared about his addiction and admitted to being wrong. So he has signs for potentially wanting to change himself for the better. and he did that not because he had to for any reason, he did it for himself. So he may be able to change if he continues down this road? It could however be an attempt at making it look like he wants to change. Its so hard to tell with him.. your thoughts?
Dear Confused Girl – RUN, RUN, RUN!!! Save yourself, it is not your job to save him. If I had listened to that advise it would have saved me my life savings!!! You are enough, love yourself!
Confused girl – a more complete listing of sociopathic (psychopathic) traits is on this page:
http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/key-symptoms/
If he exhibits most of them, chances are that he does have a personality disorder. There is no treatment for a personality disorder. They do not change. They can pretend to change for awhile, especially if they sense that you are pulling away. I’ve heard of many disordered individuals who admit their errors and say they’ll attend counseling to mollify their partners. As soon as the partner takes them back, the sociopath goes back to the bad behaviors.
If he is a sociopath, he can possibly overcome the marijuana addiction – but he will still be a sociopath!
You should look at his past behavior. If his behavior matches the traits on the “Key symptoms” page, you should be very cautious.
confused_girl,
Viver is right – Run like _ell and don’t look back! From the start if I had known that the ex was a spath, I wouldn’t have married him. They can be “good” for a time and then they show themselves, non-stop lying, stealing, cheating, etc. Is this how you want to live your life, with someone who exhibits these traits?
The key symptoms he has
Impulsive
Poor behavior controls
Need for excitement
Lack of responsibility – He manages to prioritize his bills and allocate his funds better than I do with my own at times. However, he also hasn’t held down a job for more than 3 months since we’ve been together last year and a half.
Early behavior problems – taken from his mother, foster homes and juvenile detention facilities were his parents. he has anger issues and deep emotional scars from his mothers abuse growing up.
but as an adult joined military in an effort to better himself, and was honorably discharged too.
Which leaves me puzzled. He couldn’t have gotten into the military if he was truly a psychopath.. And I do think he’s really trying. He went down to county mental health today, and they are going to assess him tomorrow. This is progress..a step in the right direction. And there is a part of me that says i’m an idiot for even thinking this..but a bigger part of me thinks that “if u really love him you’ll give him the chance to change, at least once”
Thank you everyone for your responses. Really appreciate all the insight i can get. Its so difficult to decipher whether or not i’m dealing with a problem that can be fixed with help, or something that wont ever change.
Dear Confused Girl – just read your response. Something I learned along the way that is so important to keep in mind – there is no help for these people, there are no groups like ‘AA’, there is no medication – NOTHING. This is who they are and will always be! You clearly are a sweet person they have targeted (I know that is hard to believe, but it really is the truth).
Also, just imagine the possibility of your life without this person and how peaceful it will be. Surround yourself only with those that want the best for you.
Love yourself first and – do not give your power away!!!
It takes time but it is awesome. It has taken me now 5 years and I have never been happier. My life if filled with amazing family, friends. I fall asleep and awake in peace and no longer live in fear. Again, just a reminder only those that want the best for you are welcome in your life.
Viver
confused_girl,
Human love cannot change these people, impact them, causing them to become better human beings. They will act the way they’re “programmed.” I have a friend who has a saying, “when in doubt, don’t.” If you have doubts about continuing with the relationship, then your doubts are valid. Good for you for exploring your concerns. Peace.
Sociopaths do not overtly exude evil all the time. It would be wonderful for the world if they did. Everyone would avoid them. This site would have no reason to exist.
Unfortunately they don’t. They know how to emulate or in some cases, they actually have some trait that will hook us; something that we will latch on to and use to defend them.
For me it was the latespath’s academic brilliance. I used his intelligence as a reason to defend him, to ‘understand’ him. His favorite line was ‘feelings, emotions are illogical, they have no place in rational thinking’; and his grades backed that up. I was so enthralled by his smarts, that I never looked at the whole picture until it was way too late.
You are here, you have questions, that alone should set off warning bells. Why would someone with relationship questions go to a sociopath site, if they didn’t see red flags.
By the way his joining the military is not a reason to discount sociopathism, the latespath went to a fancy, smancy law school and graduated at the top of his class, with all sorts of honors. In the 28 years since his graduation he had 3 jobs for a total of less than 5 1/2 years.
Be very thankful you have questions.
When in doubt, just step out.
confused_girl,
I was thinking that spaths have an attachment disorder – it’s permanent. You wrote that his mother was abusive toward this man. My spath did not bond with his mother (look up developmental psychology) and he had a father who I think was a spath too (not a good parent combination). The spath was born normal (in my opinion), but, because he didn’t have a great home life growing up, he was screwed. We cannot undo the damage. He is what he is. We can have compassion toward these people, but, we do not have to be close to them (for practical reasons). They think differently than we do, having more of a criminal mindset. This is not the kind of personal that I want to have in my life.
I don’t understand. Do they play certain types of games that are not text book? Mine acted very dumb and never bragged about himself, he always put him self down and displayed low self esteem and self worth. Which made me care take and be his mommy. Then when he discarded me, he acted like I was too good to breath his air, after being with him ten years! Plys he never took Amy money from me, but insisted he “be the man” and pay for everything. Was mine a special kind of sociopath? Any insight is appreciated, thank you!
Echo I don’t think there really is a “textbook” definition of those spaths! However their tactics or methods used to get what they want it all boils down to the same need for control and power. Its too bad that those of us unfortunate enough to love a spath are the ones that get that short end of the stick first and worst.