If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Yes I totally agree with the no contact. I am on day 50 (yeah). I am slowly regaining my dignity, my self worth and most important my sanity. By not responding I am in control now. He can send as many emails and texts as he wants. They are all worthless trash. This is the way he discarded me after more than 20 years, as worthless trash. He put his wedding band on the kitchen counter and walked out on his family. I eventually sold his wedding band for scrap gold. To be honest it felt great. Nobody will ever do this to me and my son again. I am worth so much more. I don’t waste any thoughts on him anymore. Focus on the present. The past is gone and the future will happen no matter what. I find my strength in gods awesomeness. And of course through this website. Thank you for all the honest stories. I truly believed I was the only one who could be so blind to let someone abuse me and my son for so long.
Dear LoveFreud,
I hope it is ok for me to list some odd behaviors of a ‘friend’ of mine that turned out to be a sociopath, in order to try to help some readers. I’m going to start with my story (Donna, it might be that you remember the letter I sent you a few weeks ago), but everyone feel free to skip to the tips, and, please, keep in mind that I’m not a professional, just trying to help with something I realized from the retrospective:
Recently, a friend of mine managed to manipulate me and my entire family. She came to us with a shocking story, and we offered her our home. As the time went by, she somehow managed to make us adjust ourselves completely to her. We felt exhausted and restrained and I started losing my self-confidence and letting go off my dreams, without a real clue why. She was the first friend I really trusted after a long, long time, and she managed to make my whole family accept her as a part of us. It might be that, beside the fact she needed a place to live, what made us an interesting target was the fact that we all knew quite a lot about sociopaths, so it might have been excited for her to full us. I don’t know. She made me believe that I was paranoid and obsessed with psychology, as well as “gasslighted” me and tried to do the same to my mom. But, in the end, we started to notice some uneasily explainable acts of hers. I guess she found out, because she made more and more mistakes and tried to pull some desperate pity plays. I contacted Lovefraud and got the positive answer. I talked to my shrink about her and he told me she’d got us ‘circling around her little finger’. I was afraid to openly state anything about my doubts about her being a sociopath to anyone I knew in person because I still believed I was paranoid about the matter, but couldn’t completely deny the signs. We all noticed but mostly kept our opinions to ourselves (a big mistake!!). I talked to my mother about getting rid of her. I decided to stop ‘dancing’ around her. I put a password on my laptop. She claimed it was ok, but about an hour later fed our dog with a chicken bone (the doggy is, fortunately, fine 🙂 ).I won’t claim she must have done it intentionally, it might be she simply forgot she was told not to do it, but there was a big fight, and the way she showed no regret or warring, trying to blame it on us, was just over the line. We kicked her out the next day. My mom openly told her she noticed that she behaved to everyone, including us, as if we were rocks. I can not describe how much she changed at that moment. Her eyes got completely cold, she even changed her movements and stance. While my mom was giving her a speech, at first she just stared at one point, then calmly prospected her bag, stood for some time in front of our mirror, focused on fixing her hair, waved to us ‘bye’, and exited our house. She didn’t even blink when my mom brought out her late boyfriend. We still can’t believe that moment. It’s been a weak since. I would lie if I said it didn’t hurt or made me doubt my judgments. And I’m never going to forgive myself that I brought a sociopath into my family’s home. But we talked about it, and, in the end, there wasn’t as much harm she made as this experience made us all stronger. We try to look at it from the bright side.
The reason why I’m writing this comment is to point out some odd things that we noticed from the retrospection, but missed at the time because been manipulated. I hope it helps someone 🙂 . (Note that I’m not an expert, just speaking from my personal experience!!). Here they go:
1) Mentioning their late ‘loved’ ones in the same voice they talk about anything else ”“ she never hesitated, not only for a moment, when mentioning the names of the dead people she claimed she loved. It was like: “potato, air, computer, (name of her late brother or boyfriend), table…” all said in the same, monotone voice. I’ve read before that sociopaths don’t express many feelings when they talk. Personally, I expected those people to have charming, but cold, uninterested voices. But even if they sound warm and excited, it might not be useless to pay attention if someone says each word or name the same way.
2) Talking about no-one’s but their own feelings ”“ when normal people talk about the events from their lives that included other people, they usually make states like: “and then his voice quivered” or “and she was obviously disturbed”. She always spoke only about how she felt or the obvious states of others (crying, laughing…).As if she couldn’t really see the fear or love inside someone’s eyes. But I’ve read somewhere that many sociopaths can read people very well, so it might be that she was one of the rare.
3) Lack of understanding for ‘unreasonable’ actions based on family or other emotional bonds ”“ it was completely impossible for her to understand that someone would, for example, chose his own son’s feelings before having a good employee.
4) Being surprised by the same reaction over and over again ”“ she would declare that she did something in a specific way and, no matter it had turned out badly each time before, she would do it again the same way and get astonished, again and again.
5) Looking as if in the same state of mind before and after an ’emotional breakdown’ ”“ when we have some tension in ourselves, and then just ‘snap’ and cry ourselvesout, we usually feel relieved after that. She would seem to be completely calm, then suddenly ‘remember something from her past’ (usually shortly after doing something that would annoy us) and then seem to get back into the completely same state she’d been before. No ‘world getting of her shoulders’, no peaceful exhaustion. Nothing.
6) When you’re mad at the person almost all the time they’re absent, but somehow feel unjustified to confront them when they’re next to you
It might also be useful to pay attention on the life story somebody tells you. Remember everything you tell a person about yourself, even if you have 100% trust in them. If it’s frequent for a person to come with a story similar to yours or someone else’s they’ve recently heard, something must be odd.
Once again, I’m not an expert!! These are nothing but my own personal observations about someone I taught I knew and who showed most of the signs of sociopathy. I don’t want anyone to misjudge someone based on my tips, so, please, don’t take them for granted. I’d also like to ask an expert (if possible) to review what I’ve written and correct me, if I made some mistake.
P.S. There’s one a bit funny thing about being manipulated: they have to put in so much effort in making you do as they want, and all you have to do is show up to use them for making an another experience. Good luck everyone! 🙂
Gaslight.Rose,
I remember my husband not showing comprehension of the fact that his words (or the tone he used) or actions could upset people.Strange how little they comprehend the effect they are having on others’ lives!But if THEIR lives are affected in a way they dislike…we don’t hear the end of it unless they get their way again!
Such a good read, all the responses to this post. Just cannot get over how stupid I feel…..now that I see what was happening. It is like a BIG BRIGHT LIGHT has filled the room and I see who he is. I forgave the lies…I forgave the cheating….I forgave until I lost who I was and what I even stood for. He would call and say how sorry he was and that he would never ever cheat again. Only to do it a few months later. I will make my doctor’s appointment as I now am uncertain of what else he gave me.
1. GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM — the tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
2. GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH — a grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
3. NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM — an excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have a low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
4. PATHOLOGICAL LYING — can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
5. CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS- the use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.
6. LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT — a lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, and coldhearted.
7. SHALLOW AFFECT — emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
8. CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY — a lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
9. PARASITIC LIFESTYLE — an intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
10. POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
11. PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR — a variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
12. EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS — a variety of behaviors prior to a certain age
13. LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
14. IMPULSIVITY — the occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
15. IRRESPONSIBILITY — repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
16. FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS — a failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
17. MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS — a lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
Sick@heart – be good to yourself. Sociopaths are very skilled at their game. They approach the world in a completely different way from the rest of us. And those of us who are not like them never see it coming.
I watch a particular TV show when I need a reminder of “What” I was dating for 5 years. The “sit-com” is about a rich, smug, charismatic, no feelings, crotch-jockey named Charlie. I never used to watch it because the show and his antics used to make me angry. Because the show is on so often, I would catch a part of it before I turned it off. Slowly, after reading certain books, I was able to recognize the traits of a sociopath who has no apology for being one or what he did, so I paid attention to the show watching the manipulations, the spath logic, the callousness and inability to feel emotion and therefore his improper responses. It is like a gold mine of learning WHAT a spath is. An example, A woman “Judith” is giving birth in the hospital and needs a coach, she asks “Charlie” if he will be her coach. I can’t remember if he said yes or not, but Judith started to scream as she was bearing down. Charlie without emotions walked over to her bed and said “Way to go” looking as if he was not sure of what response he was suppose to give. I couldn’t stop laughing…. I was able to see what Charlie and my Ex is. An emotional void! Everytime I want to remember “What” I was going out with, when I was missing him, I would watch that show and be reminded of what he was like. My feelings were peals of laughter and then sadness because that was my spath up there on the small screen exposed for “What” he truly is… a spath with no feeling, no heart, self-centred, manipulative, a liar, drunk, crotch-jockey, thief… The show is called 2 1/2 Men. Check out the character Charlie Harper… and get your daily dose of spath behaviour without putting yourself in harm’s way. That show is a daily wake-up call of why you have to stay “No contact.”
I NEED HELP!!!!
Just about every man I’ve ever loved has turned out to be like this. I started learning about it during my short marriage to a narcissistic. That’s when I learned that my first husband wasn’t just an a**hole but a full-blown sociopath. I stayed away from men for seven years then married n who changed completely on our seventh day of marriage and left before one year. I was devesated and couldn’t get over him and kept having sex with him…. cried all night without sleeping hardly at all for four months. Started reading and learning. Ended up with a guy who I dated six months just to try to get over n. Same exact pattern of splitting and blameshifting and control with an even worse temper. I didn’t let him in as deep into my heart bc I could see the warning signs and knew ahead of time. I finally break away from him and a few months later get on match.com. Met a guy I spoke with on the phone for a whole month before our first date. Chose him out of over twenty men. I was smitten. We spoke every through text and phone calls. I have never jibed with anyone as much. Felt like he totally got me. We both have adhd and we understood things about all that. I had told him I really wanted to wait until marriage fir sex and he acted like that was a great idea. We did start to have some sexual texting a few times but then would say we needed to back off of that. Long story short, I ended up going to his home on our first date because all these things kept getting messed up. As soon as I saw him, we melted into one another. The kiss was right after our hello. And I went in his place and backed away from him and maintained over and over we didn’t need to be getting physical like that… but he was extremely aggressive and wouldn’t listen to “no”… I even went into the bathroom to regain my composure but he followed me. He was so damn awesome with every touch and kiss… I tried to resist but I couldn’t.. it took him a long time but before I knew it we were having sex with me still fully dressed (skorts) …. FOUR HOURS…
And I started to cry after..
And he told me he loved me. I said no you DONT. It just went from there. I was in love. He did the splitting thing… would disappear… made me feel like I didn’t exist, pushed me away… came after me when I would back off, roller-coaster. I think this one is BPD…. It ended when I caught him with another woman at his house. Right now, I’m NC, but I still want him back.
This is the thing: I DON’T HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM! I think I’m great. Everybody loves me. I have a million friends. I feel pretty. People tell me I’m gorgeous and beautiful all the time. I have a college education. I’m funny, sweet, talented, creative- awesome, lol…. So, I feel I deserve someone great. And I go out with nice guys on dates. And I want to like them, but they act too scared of me or not strong or something…. BUT the guys I fell in love with were nice too!!! I didn’t know they were jerks when I fell for them. The only thing I can see in common at the very beginning that made me choose them was 1) strength/confidence 2) strong desire for me… the way they looked at me… which other men have looked at me like that but maybe I wasn’t attracted??
I don’t know!!! But I need help.
The thing that makes me a target is that I’m extremely compassionate and giving and merciful and forgiving. Too sweet. And I guess I have started to think everybody is crazy so I overlook things. Please tell me where to start. I know who these ppl are and know the signs, but yet they have gotten to me, three in three years!!!!!
I do get extremely turned on when the man is aggressive … kind of takes charge sexually. Maybe something is very wrong with me in that. Tell me what do!
Againandagain – Welcome to Lovefraud. I am so sorry for your experience. Please know that you are not alone in this experience – many people get rid of one sociopath, only to find another one.
Usually what this means is that you have more healing to do. I wrote on exactly this topic a few weeks ago – maybe the article will help you.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2014/09/08/hooked-by-a-sociopath-again/
Take time to look inside – you’ll probably find the wounds that need attention.
Dear againandagain, I am SO SORRY you are going though — what I did over and over again, and again. (Before I go into the bad experiences, I must tell you that it has two happy endings. But, my happy endings would certainly not be what many or most people would want.) I had gone to various abuse recovery groups! Learned a lot, and supposedly got stronger. But here’s the rub — the men I got next, were even more sociopathic than the earlier one/s. Seems I may have been seen as more of a “challenge” to overcome — what a great power victory, if they could conquer such a “strong women” right?? You’ll never believe this…too hard to believe, but you know what? I actually got another one when I was sixty-two years old!!!! In fact, I think his entire family (one natural son and about 13-15 of his late wife’s family) turned on me, stole my inheritance when he died, called the police on me and told the officer lies that he actually believed! Geezus. Well the happy endings are, first that I lived for over a decade when I was single, and did not crave having a man in my life. I’d always thought “woman needs a man, and a man needs a woman.” I absoultey did not want to be “one of those women who had given up finding or even wanting, a man.” But I became one, and was very happy! The other happy ending is that, believe it or not (and I know this is risky!) I joined Match.com, and met a fine man. We’ve been together for six years. We will each turn 75 this spring. We have NEVER yelled at each other. My entire history, from my dad and whole family of origin, and almost all of my male partners/husbands yelled at me, and I yelled right back. We threw things, broke things. Now, I tell everyone I know, in a slow, calm, authoritative voice: “NOBODY yells at me. If a person does, I turn around, and walk away, and NEVER look back.” Nobody gets two chances. Anyway, the caring I feel for my partner is, unfortunately, I think, not anything like “being in love” as I had been before. For one thing, hew would need viagra, and the veterans’ administration only would give him 4 pills a month. Plus, I take an antidepressant, so have no libido whatsoever. Only one antidepressant, Wellbutrin, supposedly does not affect one’s sesuality, but that one does not help my depression one bit, and I know some other people who say the same things. So, not only do my partner and I not have sex together, we also do not live together.
Hi Donna,
I’m posting to let you know that your article, “10 Brutally Obvious Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Sociopath,” reprinted on ThoughCatalog, Sept. 10, 2015, has been called out for willful contribution to the stigma associated with mental illness and disorder.
As your name is attached to the article, and you have yet to respond, I’m letting you know as a courtesy, so that you might clarify your position. I can provide links if needed, but chose to refrain in accordance with your site’s policies. I will leave this post in one other location on your page. Any correspondence is appreciated.
Best,
TCm
Can you guys help me? I’ve read something about psuchopaths and sociopaths and I noticed that I have some of the characteristics of them. But I just have the feeling that I use those traits to get things done that are actually beneficial not only to me but also to the rest of humanity. I truly believe that those things will help the people next to me. And even a lot. I do use my charm to get things I want (but I do think that I use it to eventually get things and make things better for other people). But I still have the feeling with using charm that I just see it as an easier, less problematic way for me to get good things done that I otherwise would have to do with a lot of work to prove that I’m good when I feel that I’m good already and don’t have to prove it. Sometimes I feel very strong remorse but sometimes I don’t feel remorse at all even if it hurts people I see it as “necessary” to “get things done” and then I don’t feel any remourse at all. I kinda just switch it of because I think it’s necessary to do so. Like somebody who sends people to death to help other people I would do it in a heartbeat and not have even a slightest doubt. But I would genuinely care about them afterwards if they get hurt and do everything to help them mentally and financially (materialy)and I would be honestly greatefull for what they’ve done (sacrificing themselves to reach my goals – or the goals of the group). I also lie a lot although more for fun than to gain things eventually I really don’t like lying to my friends and never lie to family. Although I lie sometimes just for entertainment of others.But I do have a Jackyll and Hide personality sometimes. One moment I can be very good to someone and then abandon them completely (but only if I feel that the relationship is bad for some reason not just out of nothing) I also took it very peinfull when people abandoned me in my life. I do have an enormous ego (but I see it as something to help others). I do blame others for my setbacks sometimes but a lot of times I think it was 50/50. So now I don’t know wether I fooled myself into thinking that I’m a good guy who sometimes uses sociopathic methods to get things done (for good) or that I’m a full blown sociopath who fooled himself into thinking that he’s a good guy doing good things for others? I’m really scared right now 😀
I’m sorry for grammar mistakes 😀 Also – is being scared of being a sociopath (psychopath) not a sign that you actually are not a sociopath? Because you genuinely care for other people and don’t want to hurt them by being a sociopath?
I’m scared as hell 😀
Kindascary – If you are truly worried about being a sociopath, then you wouldn’t be a sociopath, because sociopaths do not care how their behavior affects others.
If is possible to have some traits, but not the full disorder. It is also possible to work on strengthening your empathetic traits, and focus on behavior that is caring and beneficial. I recommend that you find a good therapist.
Traits and behaviors that are good for people are like muscles – they grow stronger as you exercise them. It can be done.
Thanks, Donna! I’ve noticed that I’ve almost all of the characteristics of a psychopath except that I genuinely care for people and love them 😀 I would sacrifice my own life for somebody else even 😀 But I do notice that I should keep those qualities (like enormous ego) in check because they are essentially bad, but I also realised that I can’t downplay them completely 🙂
You might consider that you do have a choice of what actions you take and whether you tell the truth or a lie in any situation. It sounds like you are being analytical about your choices, and considering the implications and maybe considering some changes. It sounds like part of the process of growing and changing based on experience and new information and insight. Psychopaths and sociopaths, by definition, do not seek insight in how their behavior affects others nor do they change.
I used to do online dating. I quit years ago because I was stalked by one of the men I met through it. Ever since then, I’ve completely stopped taking dating seriously; especially it it’s online.
I now know that the dating scene is chock full of sociopathic creeps that are looking for lonely, desperate single people they can use and abuse. It is nothing more than a racket created by predators, for predators; designed to prey on vulnerable people.
If you think I have a horrible attitude about dating, well you’re probably right. But I’m also being realistic. This is something I’ve seen and experienced first hand. Men that pester you for your phone number not because they really like you but only so they can add a new notch to their bedpost, men that only want to date you so they could feed their egos by dissing you, men that practically try to bully you into having a serious relationship with them even if you’ve only just met them and/or hardly know them, men that either get pissed off or stop talking to you if they ask you to get together with them and you politely tell them you’re unavailable because (God forbid!) you have other plans and you have too much of a life to be their 24/7 booty call/unpaid prostitute”it goes on and on. I could spend hours talking about the unstable men I met when I tried to find a significant other.
And it’s not just the men that are like this. I’ve heard guys describe similar nightmarish experiences they had with women they met in the dating scene, and I totally believe them.
People ask me why I’m still single, and I tell them the truth: because I find dating F^CKING scary and dangerous!
Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I’ve turned into a hermit and hide in my house all the time. I still lead an active social life, and still meet guys. I just don’t formally date any more, as I find it way more trouble than it’s worth. I only meet these men in places where I’m likely to share their interests and/or have something in common with them. Sure it’s not a completely foolproof way to weed out creeps (I don’t think there’s any such thing, other than hiding under a rock) as they are everywhere , but so far I have managed to shun and avoid the ones I did come across. It’s still a way that feels much more comfortable, natural, and far less artificial.