If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
I’ve been known to come out with guns blazing…fire………aim…….shoot….it works for me…haha…I am not this nasty…..just rambling now……that’s ok too. Everyone has their definitions of hurt…it does hurt!! F*cking right it hurts…what can you do about that???..Face the hurt…the hurt means FEAR…it all comes back to fear…you can’t get to any emotion until you go through fear…it is scarrry..sorry bloggers with experience….I think that’s the ticket…I’ll drrink to that
Here I am ……… yakking about nothing………. bullshit…it’s not nothing…but it’s individual and up to every one to move forward from the manipulative bs….call it a spath…….once again….I am alone…and a warrior…
Holy steaming piles of Horse shiat!
My daughter the spath, the 45 yr old, scored 9 out of 10 on Donnas list, and 26 out of 33 on Franks list.!
I think youll all agree Im WELL out of her life!
What a piece of work!
Sorry, Charlotte, no, they DONT CHANGE, cant be treated, lets not fall into the trap of feeling sorry for the poor abused, misunderstood creatures!
Lets feel sorry for ourselves if we need to, but, get the Hell out, and put the longest biggest distance between ourselves and them!
Should we waste the rest of our lives {much of which weve already wasted on their sick selves,} trying to HELP and UNDERSTAND where theyre COMING FROM?
No,No, and No,and that means NO!!
Unless were seriously into masochism, -the only solution to them is NC for ever.And as I found out to my cost, this means NO looking them up on facebook, twitter, Myspace,NOTHING. Whether we had them as parents, as siblings, lovers, husbands, wives,or children, they are all BAD NEWS!And theyre all the same, and they NEVER change!
We could spend the rest of our lives wondering if there is something wrong n their brains, DNA, “nature versus nurture, on and on and on.Would it do us or them any good, or help us in any way to find closure for their cruel, sick, and manipulative behaviour?Maybe they dont have a consciense, but I do believe they KNOW that they are behaving in an evil way, and they choose to keep on doing it.
For our very SURVIVAL, SOUL survival, we have to pull the pin, andGET AWAY FROM THESE EVIL BEINGS!!
Much Love, Gem/XX
Thank you EB! You’re right, knowledge is power and power is our protector. And with that power, I can be my own protector because we all know these disordered people certainly won’t be our protectors.
Cononmo: It does hurt. Yes, face the fear, go through the fear, but please don’t end up frozen up it.
Geminigirl: I’m sorry your daughter has so many on those lists. I remember when I read the lists and checked off many for my close family members. I knew I was surrounded, but wow!
Dear Oxy, Gosh…Im seriously befuddled by where I stand with Charlottes post. I have read it and reread, I have broken each paragraph apart…aside from the negative comment about the writers/posters here, I did not receive Charlottes post in any negative way. Does that mean Im sick and twisted too?????????????? Honestly Oxy, does that mean Im trauma bonded because I have the capacity to no longer let persons of certain disorders/types manipulate and control me but still can state that I have pity for their life/lifestyle/life choices and I believe some of them with certain personality disorders are people too – hurting suppressing numbing shutting off shutting down not caring …just existing…and choosing to hurt others too or doing so just by existing — does that make me still trauma bonded?????
Im not being sarcastic- some of these comments to Charlotte made me think – whats wrong with me then?????
Maybe the reason I related to it (on some levels but not all) is because I didnt experience a full-fledged Sociopath…although alot of the same traits as listed above, when you break them down to the first few words on each line, it covers a wide variety of personality disorders. And even with my Mother having a mental illness – she could be categorgized in almost all 9 of the above. She just wasnt particularly overly attentive to others…
I didnt feel gaslighted by Charlotte – and in order to I would have to choose to believe/agree with everything she wrote. I did not agree with everything.
But again, perhaps I wasnt involved with a full-fledged Sociopath. He has MANY of the attributes above – but I believe its a different personality disorder that he has. and I believe the reason for his unhealthy choices for himself and towards others stem from many different things.
Oh and theres this, I stand up 100 percent to taking 50 percent blame for the continuation of our toxic relationship once I became aware of the lies, infidelity and theft…. by saying that I am not saying I was a BAD PERSON – OR THAT IT WAS MY FAULT – I am saying I didnt know myself, I didnt understand what respecting myself and loving myself involved. I believe had I grown up truly with an understanding of what self-respect , self-awareness, self-love is then there would have been very little chance he could have infiltrated my life in such a way that he did. I BELIEVE THAT.
There wouldnt have been multiple chances for him to keep coming back. Once would have been enough. As it is and stands now for me in my life. ONE AND DONE. I read here over and over again (my stories included) where we share the way our partner was and what they did and ultimately somewhere in the story we say things like… then he asked me for money…and I gave it… then he asked me to go back and I did….then I agreed to do this or do that…and I did it…then after he did this I let him move in….. MY LESSON WAS TO STOP DOING THINGS THAT I WASNT PROTECTING MYSELF, THAT I WASNT RESPECTING MYSELF, THAT I WASNT TRUSTING MYSELF…I can honestly say there is no room in my aura for someone to use me/abuse me now that I have become self-actualized. I wasnt when I met him. Maybe taking 50 percent (Blame) is not the word – I take 50 percent responsibility of not having the knowledge and tools to deal with someone like him.
I dont care whether they have a conscience or not…. they are not going to be a part of my life. I sometimes do wonder if they dont have a conscience – why that is. But its neither here nor there as I go forward I just want to educate others about self-awareness and red flags and what to look for in a healthy vs unhealthy connection/relationship.
I guess Im ready to move on. Im ready to accept there are SOOOO many different personality disorders and EXTREMES in each category. I believe getting to know oneself, believing in what one deserves, not accepting any any any any bad treatment from a partner and knowing when to say NO, and walk away from others who exhibit the above characteristics is a good start.
Lastly, about them being people too. I have the capacity to realize each adult was once a child…a little boy or a little girl…healthy or unhealthy…born that way or nature/nurture/circumstances/trauma event/choice/ WHATEVER caused them to make the sick unhealthy choices they do as children/teens/adults….but yes they were born into this world as a human being (albeit without a conscience or without this or that) — and while I have come to realize there is NO PLACE FOR THEM IN MY LIFE, AND I CANT HELP OR CHANGE THEM – I CAN ONLY MAKE HEALTHIER CHOICES NOW AVOID THEM AND MOVE ON. BUT I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO VIEW THEM AS PEOPLE – SICK UNHEALTHY PEOPLE – SOME WITH A CONSCIENCE THEY CHOOSE NOT TO USE AND OTHERS MOST LIKELY WITHOUT A CONSCIENCE FROM UPON TAKING THEIR FIRST BREATH INTO THIS LIFE.
DOES THAT MAKE ME TWISTED? TRAUMA BONDED? OR GROWING AND LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF AND OTHERS IN A WAY THAT IS HEALTHY FOR ME??????? UGH IM CONFUSED TODAY. SRY..THANKS
One thing we must grasp is to NEVER doubt ourselves.
NEVER!
NOrmal-healthy people are born with the capacity to know right from wrong, follow thier gut and make wise decisions.
We all view things from our own life experiences.
Keep moving forward!!!
Learning, I second EB. Don’t doubt yourself. You sound like you’ve come through most (maybe all) of the stages and are living a pretty healthy life. TOWANDA!
I agree EB…but sometimes even “normal-healthy” people can be mistaken, misguided, off-course.
I really struggled with relating to not being able to refer to them as people too…and whether or not some do/some dont have a conscience — but just make the choice to not go there in their mind or not care whether they do or not — and I also struggled with the fact I willingly take some responsibility in my choices with him after the mask fell too.
I will keep moving forward and I will keep feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin with my own beliefs and lessons learned. I will have doubts along the way too – cuz I dont have all the answers –
I seriously wondered why I received Charlottes post from a perspective that she has come a long way in her healing and although she could have chosen not to criticize the writers/posters here…but share that the journey is a process of stages and phases…but the goal is to KEEP MOVING FORWARD and not stay stuck in each process/phase too long – or it will be YOU holding yourself back — not the toxic person.
Thanks EB… being a healthier person is my goal. xo
charlottecreamer:
To a very large degree, I agree with what you are saying in an some ways I am taking a similar approach. I do believe many sociopaths are in deep pain. While they may not be able to feel empathy, have a conscious or attain real love, they still can be and probably are very lonely people. Moreover, being a sociopath does not make one immune from other psychological disorders such as depression.
Like yourself, I had a choice: to hate or to forgive. I forgive Jamie for all he did to me. If I should hate anyone, I should hate his father, just like Jamie hated his father. His father gave him the genes that predisposed Jamie to sociopathy, and it was father that provided the abuse that led Jamie to being a sociopath. Maybe then I should hate his grandfather too… Hate can be endless…
Perhaps forgiveness is easy for me as Jamie did no real evil to me. I was not physically abused, conned out of money, given a sexually transmitted disease, nor subject to any of other horrible things sociopaths can inflict. He simply charmed me, led me on (yes, while being duplicitous and not fully truthful) and dumped me at the worst moment in my life, a moment when I very much needed support.
I pray he finds some peace and happiness. I pray he hurts nobody else. While without conscious, he is a human being and no human being deserves to suffer. If I hated him, I would be him.
Learning, my comment about feeling that Charlotte could be experiencing the stockholm syndrome was when she said “WE treat them like dirt.” That seemed irrational and overly sympathetic to the abuser. When in fact, BECAUSE we treated them so well, we were greatly devalued and discarded. IF we had NOT provided many avenues of “supply” for the spath, he/she would never have graced our doorway to begin with.
I have “pity” in some form for my spath son, it is heartwrenching to see that he can not live his full potential. I mourn that fact daily. However, I do not have PITY in the way that “WE- or anyone,Has treated him badly. In fact- he exploits everyone in his path who good heartedly treats him well. SPaths are survivors, and predators of the worst kind- no one “gets” to really treat them badly or they are destroyed.
Spaths feel superior and entitled and will stop at nothing because ‘nothing’ gets in their way- conscience wise or otherwise.
Learning, you are not twisted- your heart was twisted, put in a blender then handed back to you. YOU are processing and moving forward thru the many stages. xoxo