If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Behind blue eyes-
As long as you are moving on and have grown and learned from the experience – how you wish to interpret HIM/HIS CHOICES – is personal choice.
I think the main issue here, may be that there are people who are unable to disconnect and move on…they are stuck hoping with false hope, praying for things that seem unattainable in the life of being a Sociopath, etc. Living in denial about who their partner is and what they do and how they do it.
But there are some who have come to terms with it in a way where they choose to forgive from afar – in order to help themselves move on.
And there are many views and opinions about the origination of these toxic people. But bottom line is they are toxic and we must educate others and continue to protect ourselves by knowing ourselves and making good solid healthy choices – and by all means never ignore the red flags.
And thanks Kim…I do feel Ive come a long long way and got away from the fantasy into reality of myself and others.
Dear Sabrina,
And everyone here at LF who shares posts, comments, advice, etc.. I honestly respect all of it. I LEARN AND GROW…I fall back… I step forward. Im glad you share all that you do.
It causes me to sometimes relate, sometimes disagree and sometimes go Huh??? Wow? Noway? Interesting!
I went from treating mine so well to treating him like dirt (rightfully so in my opinion back then because of the devaluing and discarding he did – but as Ive matured I see there is no acceptable treatment of them except to ignore them have very little contact with them, etc. – because anything you do can and will be misconstrued by them for their ultimate benefit…etc.
Again I think its all a fine line between what each of our toxic persons diagnosis is – in terms of how severe our experience was — not in terms of how we heal and recover — it doesnt matter what their diagnosis is – it just matters that we learn to protect ourselves and heal and move on – because there is so much more to life than them — after weve been through all that it takes to get out and get to a better place!
And it is heartwrenching to see a child or parent that can not live their full potential. I honestly dont know how we as family members find the strength we do – except we come to realize its not our fault and we have to choose our lives to be as healthy as possible and not ever erroneously agree to be their supply, ever again.
Learning:
After dissecting my spaths behaviors….and trying to make some ‘sense’ of them all…..and put the pieces of the puzzle together……I questioned everything…..(like us all).
Some behaviors I found ‘answers’ for……some I still wonder about.
YES…technically they are humans….they eat, breathe and have organs, brains etc…..scientifically they are humans.
BUT…..their behaviors are very inhumain.
So on this level…..to have sanity I do not view the spaths in my life as human….
It is my choice……
They act like beasts, animals…….nothing I can relate to .
So beasts are NOT human……and in my opinion….views….Either are Sociopaths.
IMO her post may have come from a looong road of recovery……and tired of the ‘same ol same ol’ from her yesteryear.
Maybe we are viewed as an irritant……going through the healing process…..and a ‘just get over it’ attitude came through?
I know, the more I learn the more I see….and each time a newbie comes off a ‘burning wagon’….in pain and questioning and still maybe holding a ray of hope for the relationship……I sometimes would like to offer a slap upside the head….
I can’t…..because I was once there…..but I have time between me and the wagon……and I KNOW the truth of how it turns out by staying in that burning wagon…..
I know the reality of when we question ourselves (by their design)….the what if’s,……what if I was wrong, what if I just let this fantastic man out of my life and I was wrong…..what if It IS me……
It’s NOT…..
I what if’d myslef back into that relatinship too many times…..this is what he wanted…..me to doubt myself to go back……the more I did…..the more I doubted myslef on MORE levels…..my own judgement etc…..
WE KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT!!!
So…..for my own health and sanity……I know I can make good decisions…..and i also know I am capable of making pooor choices……NOW…..I choose to trust myslef and trust in my judgements……for my future…..and I’m doing just fine NOT doubting myself!
It’s the compassion on us they play on…..to use it to doubt ourselves.
We have to believe in ourselves……that’s all we’ve got!!!
XXOO
EB
Ok EB… I get it now… I like when you break it down! Hey maybe you can do some rapping and breakdancing at my local schools when we get something going in terms of educating/awareness!!!!
I appreciate being able to vent and be confused…and then be reminded to keep going forward….believe in myself in terms of what works for me to remain as healthy and sane as possible!!!! 🙂
No room for self-doubt once you become a survivor! You know who you are and you begin to make good decisions for yourself and others – always with the capability of making poor choices – but being willing and open to learn from them too.
Self-doubt is unhealthy. No room for it!!!! Thanks Erin Brocksolid!!!!!!!! 🙂
Oooh……hmmmm.
Rapping yes….breakdancing….maybe NOT such a great idea!
🙂
Anytime I can use my mouth, count me in….but not so sure my body will cooperate!
“No room for self-doubt once you become a survivor! You know who you are and you begin to make good decisions for yourself and others ”“ always with the capability of making poor choices ”“ but being willing and open to learn from them too.”
Well said!!! Yes we do have the capability of making a poor choice……but with a healthy mind….we can ALSO recognize that, ooppps,that was a poor choice…..and move along and redirect ourselves……take responsibility.
WE are human!
You go girl!!!!!
With regard to Charlottecreamer’s beliefs, I have to say that I felt the same way shortly after I left my spath. One of his favorite tools of torture was the “Religious Cleaver.” This would be when he would “quote” verses that excused or “validated” his behaviors. “A good wife will…..” Even afer I left, I wanted acceptance, even from God, and believed that “turning the other cheek” translated into loving even the most vile human beings, regardless of their behaviors and actions. Today, I realize that my misinterpretation was carefully constructed by my spath and I finally have a clear understanding of what was meant and, ultimately, perverted by man’s interpretations.
“Turning the other cheek” (to me) means walking away or turning away from evil. Spaths are, in short, evil in their actions because their actions are DELIBERATE, and not a side effect of a treatable illness. They CHOOSE to wreak havoc and misery. Period.
Again, the self-doubt is one of the bits of the Spath Job Description, and we all find our ways out of that as our healing progresses. Cheers!
Dear Learning,
One thing we all have to remember is this is a very personal journey for EACH and every one of us.
Although we have all been through similar experience, we are all going to heal in different ways.
Initially after coming out of the fog…..
Some of us might have that “fight” in us and want justice, and spend alot of our energies directed at that. Some of us just want to walk (or crawl) away to try and pick up the pieces. And we conserve all of our energy towards that.
Some of us have more drive to understand the person behind the disorder and some of us don’t spend as much time with that.
The most important thing for each of us is to eventually not get STUCK in these modes and to move towards the healing. That is when the really hard work begins. Because this is now all about us. Not them. This is the part that takes longer for most of us and for many of us it becomes a lifelong path. Because once you start, are you ever done? I don’t think so. We just continue….To strive for “completing” ourselves. And if we are human there is always room for improvement. So what starts out as a “road trip” really turns into a lifelong journey. To be the best that we can be.
We all have life experience before the spaths entered into our lives. And that is going to be a part of who we are, and how we process, while traveling down the healing path.
Your experience with your moms mental illness gives your heart a capacity for understanding things that many others can’t grasp. This is a gift, earned by much heartache from your past experiences with her. You are able to seperate in some ways the illness from the person that you loved. (your mom)
And although this experience with your Ex is much different than with your mom. Your heart still has this capacity to have compassion for your ex even though you do not want him in your life. You are fully aware that he is toxic for you and that you can’t change him or fix him or help him. Having compassion for him isn’t a negative. It is a positive. It hasn’t in any way affected your growth. If anything it is processing it further.
And I don’t think this is trama bonding or anything unhealthy.
I think it is very healthy to have the understanding that you have.
Personally I don’t believe they make a choice to have this disorder. Any more than anyone chooses to be mentally ill.
I agree that nobody would ever choose to be spath. What I meant to say is that they make their choices to deliberately inflict damage, on some level.
My son made the choice to manufacture and forge military documents that made him out to be a war hero when he never even made it to his assigned unit in Schofield Barracks for training. He was confronted with the evidence and still vehemently maintains that he is a decorated combat veteran. He was diagnosed Cluster B and is extremely violent, manipulative, and charismatic, and currently has his younger brother under his control via prescribed (and, illegal) medications to drain him of their father’s death benefits. Once the money is gone, I have no doubt that my youngest will be cast out on the street, or suffer “an accident.” These are the types of choices that I was refering to.
Dear Witsend,
Your first two paragraphs should be on introduction page of LF, or the beginning of a book… its just so well spoken and understood and most of all SO TRUE…
Your third and fourth paragraphs made me cry. Tears of personal loss and personal gain. Further insight and understanding of myself and that its ok to be who I am as long as I am learning and growing and focused on being healthy and sane with my choices!
I hope you are doing ok. Sadly, your son has no idea what he is missing in his relationship with his amazing Mom. As I said before I dont know how family members find the strength to deal with some of things put upon them — but it does allow us to find an unconventional sense of compassion that strengthens us to be able to move away and forward with more acceptance and understanding each and every time.
xo Witty
Buttons….
It is (shocking in a way) but not….that the lies just grow and grow…..and NO proof to back it up….but their stories…
It must be horrible to ‘know’ what is in store for your younger son and not be able to do a thing about it!
Sad-sad!!!