If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
learning;
Moving on has not been that easy. As I learned more about Jamie, I felt more empathy toward him and was never able to muster the anger to make a complete emotional break.
I hate to admit that part of him is still with me. However, I am smart enough to stay away and I have had no contact since the revelations which made me realize he is a manipulative liar, with not even a hint of remorse.
What I bring to the table is my experience that not all sociopaths are criminal, violent, or overtly destructive. Check lists are fine, but too often they focus traits associated with such.
IMHO, all sociopaths share one trait: the inability to feel guilty/lack of empathy.
From that, all sociopaths act in a self-centered fashion which leads to information gaps, lies of omission and duplicitous behavior. Their actions need not be violent or criminal and any positive action from them is not altruistic, it merely inflates their own ego. They only do good for themselves, not for the sake of others.
Finally, while all sociopaths cannot feel empathy toward others, they use the empathy of others to hook them. Typical examples of this are a broken home or otherwise bad childhood, abusive x-partner, or some other “revelation” to gain sympathy.
Very excellent points, Behind-blue-eyes. I think I needed to read that, too.
Dear Blue_eyes,
You said a mouthfull there my friend! You are 100% right on. It takes a lot of moving and learning to realize that not all psychopaths are serial killers as the media presents them.
The “sociopath next door” as Martha Stout’s books describes. The a$$hole at work, your narcissistic minister, boss, neighbor, doctor, police officer, etc. All TOXIC to relationships, all incapable of bonding or caring about others. NOT all criminal. And even not all criminals are Ps. only about 20% of those in prison at any one time are “diagnoseable” but many surely not “quite” fitting the official diagnosis, though I think that number should be higher. 1-4% in general population, but if you factor in other personality disorders and dysfunctions I think probably about 10% or more of the population is toxic to one degree or another, surely someone you wouldn’t want to have a relationship with.
But numbers don’t matter when it is the ONE you wanted to or did care about. We just have to learn to be CAUTIOUS and watch for “red flags” of dishonesty in others we deal with.
Good job Blue!
Imconfused – Your number 3. is so on the spot…why would we even want to talk to them to resolve anything when we cant believe ANYTHING that comes out of their mouths..once we see the picture the only thing we can do is get away and stay away..I am not bitter (everyday). I have moved past the curve and am getting on with life. I thot I had forgiven to the best of my ability, and I was actually surprised at my reaction to charlotte’s post. I have worked through the healing process, have accepted my responsibility. have dealt with the humiliation and embarrasment of being an easy target. Yes this has brought about a new found awareness, my confidence is stronger..But I am not going to thank or forgive the insidious (i like that word Rosa) evil predator that crashed into my life or the one that has always been in my life.
I am beginning to believe that even our FREE WILL was manipulated when we got tangled up with these parasites.
I’m coming to the realization that our free will became part of the illusion, as well.
It was insidiously taken away by our abuser, unbeknownst to us at the time, of course.
If we had known what was happening, we would have resisted.
I found this piece on page 90 of “Stalking the Soul”. It speaks about how our ability to act/react is taken away during the seduction phase by an emotional abuser:
“The period of influence consists in leading someone, without argument, to think, make decisions, and behave other than he would spontaneously on his own. During the “Seductive Stalking” period, the targeted person is unable to freely consent a priori (prior to) because his sensibilities and vulnerabilities are influenced and manipulated. AS IN ANY MANIPULATIVE PROCESS, THE VICTIM MUST FIRST BE MADE TO BELIEVE HE IS FREE, EVEN WHEN HE IS INSIDIOUSLY DEPRIVED OF THE FREEDOM TO ACT. There can be no question of a discussion between equals; THE ABUSER MUST SUBTLY IMPOSE HIMSELF WHILE PREVENTING THE OTHER FROM BECOMING AWARE OF THE PROCESS AND FROM DISCUSSING IT OR RESISTING IT. The victim’s ability to defend himself is withdrawn, and his judgment is negated, thereby eliminating any possibility of rebellion.
We find here the types of situations in which one individual exerts undue and abusive influence over another without his knowledge.”
The more involved we get with these types of personalities, the harder it is to break free.
Memorize Donna’s bulletpoints, so you can spot it early and GET AWAY!!
Thanks for sharing that Rosa. It is so right on! Also I would add, we must be kept believing in their goodness.
Dear You’re NOT confused,
Thanks for your post! Right on! Ultimately I don’t think it matters how they became what they are right now, but that will come eventually too, as research gets better! But how we deal with them NOW today is all that matters!
Dear Blue,
It has taken me nearly 2 years to muster the wherewithall to finally make that complete emotional break, myself.
I am at the point where I dont mind admitting a part of him will always be with me. He is a messed up unhealthy guy – but before I became aware of the severity – the unhealthy part of me loved him. Im healthier now, Ive grown and learned and continue to…about people like him and about myself. Its not healthy to love a bad toxic person. I had to stop. For my own health and sanity.
What I would like to add also is it doesnt necessarily need to be a relationship with a Sociopath (Criminal or non) that can destroy us, unbalance us, mess up our direction…it can be a relationship with personality disordered people on any level. But I believe Sociopaths to be the most dangerous of all.
Lastly mine honed in on and manipulated and used my weaknessess and my attributes. I didnt have the tools to deal with that. Today I still make it my priority to have empathy for others – but along with that I have LEARNED to never let another grab hold of it and twist it and use it AGAINST ME. I have learned that with empathy comes a healthy dose of respect and caring and reciprocation. Before I just gave it away, now I choose to share myself with people who treat themselves and others with respect. I no longer make excuses for anyone.
Also “Imconfused” – we can never give over our power and believe that someone else knows whats best for us. We have to become self-aware and know limits and boundaries that others should have toward us and respect us. If we have to question someones lies – that in and of itself is a red flag. I knew neither of the above when I was with him. I was half of who I am today. I was needy and naiive and believed in fantasy type relationships. I was a good soul kind caring and giving but I wasnt street wise – I wasnt aware of what lurks in the world as a whole. I was clueless. He lied, cheated stole manipulated twisted etc…and I made excuses, I turned a cheek, I got taken for a ride and I got hurt and all of the horrible things that happen in a toxic relationship. It was all his doing in setting out to use and abuse me. It became my responsibility to become self-aware, to exercise self-respect, self-love and self- worth and to never let another be able to set out and use my empathy as a way to take advantage of me in anyway. The longest most painful journey of my life thus far – but so worth it.
Henry- I have no reason to “thank” mine either. But I did choose to forgive him from afar – so I could set myself free. We all dont need to do that, but I couldnt move on until I did. You dont have to if you dont need to!!!!!
Learning I think your right, I don’t have to. Or maybe I have and am learning that forgiveness doesnt mean I can’t despise him at the same time, something on that line. But Learnthelesson I can say (especially to you) that I have let go, moved on. The whole ordeal with him has become a bad time in my life, I have forgotten all the reason’s I missed and loved him. There are no happy or good memories anymore, so I am thankful for that. I am changed but me again, thank you for joining me in this journey. Life is Good.
Kim,
I remember literally forcing myself ON MY OWN to believe in his goodness, when right before me I had all the evidence of his bad ways. I kept saying but he cant really be this way…and all the other lines of denial I fed myself to keep the relationship going… he didnt just feed them to me…at one point I was forcefeeding myself to believe this just couldnt be so, this just couldnt be true. He stole thousands? He didnt mean to? Theres an explanation – surely he is going to pay it back within a few months… goodness I have chills remembering how I acted/reacted – partly from the fog he created and partly from the fantasy I wanted with him.
It began to feel odd, to feel weird to be believing in his goodness when standing knee deep in his sh@.......@!!! Eventually, I started to see the light – that he was a conman – a fake – a nothing. And I didnt really truly let go until I saw the kind of person I was being or became vs. wanted to be and also the kind of people I finally believed I deserved in my life.