If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
kim frederick
Hi, Justus. I’m glad you decided to jump in and post. There is an enormous amount of information and support here, so hope you’ll stick around and we’ll hear from you again.
just-us
Thanks guys. I burst out in tears when I read your responses. To listen to someone who understands is overwhelming and makes this horrible thing real.
just-us
I have got to go apply for jobs today to prevent my home from going into foreclosure because I see it coming. Now I am a wreck.
FYI justus5 refers to me and my 4 boys, not 6 anymore, just us 5.
Ox Drover
Dear Justus,
At first we think we are the only people in the world who have come up against something like this, and we feel so ALONE because generally none of our friends or family really “get it” about what we have gone through. But I can guarentee you the bloggers and people who write the articles here GET IT! Almost 100% of us have BEEN THERE, one or more times.
I suggest you read through the articles in the archives and read them all. Some won’t mean much to you now, but later they will gtive you an AH HA effect as you go on your healing journey (and it is kind of like peeling an onion, so many layers) but learning about them, validating our feelings and what happened, then it becomes about US, healing ourselves and realizing why we let them into our lives and from now on being cautious.
Psychopaths LOOK so “human” but they lack the one thing that makes us human, a CONSCIENCE.
just-us
My (our) counsler says it is like peeling an onion. He helped me with a quit a few layers already. It took me 22 years to start peeling the right onion. I guess I had quit a ah ha a while back when I started to think it might be him and not me.
Buttons
{{{{Justus5}}}} gentle hugs. You’ve come to the right site, and you’ll be fine. It was almost 15 years and 2 kids before I accepted the truth. It’s ugly, it’s skeery, but it IS survivable!
Brightest blessings.
just-us
Thank you so much Buttons. The tears a streaming down my face. It is so nice to know that I am not the only “fool” out there who stayed so ridiculously long. The gentle hugs are so despartely needed.
Buttons
You’re not a fool, you were just fooled, and there’s a big difference between the two.
Cry, rage, rant, and get that negativity OUT. I was there, yesterday, bawling and bawling.
A line from Tolkien has always struck me as poingnant and i wish I could remember it, precisely. It goes something like this: some tears are bitter and, like a sudden storm, rain down in an unbroken torrent until they are spent. Like a summer storm, when the tears have stopped, life is left fresh and cleaned. Tears are cleansing.
just-us
Buttons, the tears I have now are cleansing, I can feel it. Not like the tears used to be, not like before when I thought I was crazy and the tears were torcher.
learning
Behindblueeyes,
Im glad you are already putting what you learned into practice.
There are so many different signs and “ways” toxic people display. Its not so much that they express an interest in us (I think that was part of my demise too – becoming interested in ones who showed such a high interest in me)…now I really take that with a grain of salt and I watch their actions…what they do beyond their words (in texts/emails/on the phone). For me, I watch for signs of not keeping their word, or not folllowing through with what they say, or many of the things Steve shared in his recent article (getting to know family, friends etc)…just really taking my time with people in general. Choosing to let them in slowly… never rushing anymore… and simply getting to know others without SEXUAL STUFF.
The eyes definitely do have it for some of them — but not ALL of them! We really have to be realistic about what we believe we deserve in a friendship/relationship and set boundaries and limits of what we will and will not accept. No more pretending things are ok, or overlooking something odd. Really batten down the hatches and weed out all the ones who just dont treat us right, respect us (or themselves for that matter) and create circles of friends and connections of others who are choosing healthy choices/lifestyles. There is good and toxic out there – you can protect yourself when you finally put yourself first and what matters most to you. And then stick to it. Make no excuses for anyone.
It works. It can be lonely at times. It can be depressing and feel isolating in the beginning — but thats when you really get to know yourself and what you want and deserve and believe in for your own life. Its liberating!!
Im glad you are putting things you learn into practice. Keep adding to it and keep believing in what you want and deserve for yourself – while practicing that with others too – the ones who earn your trust and show you with their actions not just talk it!!!