If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
{{{{{{{Bluejay}}}}}} yepper – the Road to Healing is frought with potholes and loose gravel. We may hit a bump, slide in some gravel, or even get stuck in a well-worn rut. But the one true glimmer of hope is that there are dozens of people to get behind us and help shove us out of the ruts when we need it.
blue jay,
It is like pulling teeth with him. It sounds funny to hear someone else say that. I have thought that for so many years. Mine don’t remain silent most of the time though, he gets angry to divert the issue. My new way of thinking is now I “have been fooled”.
Buttons,
I am moving along, a saying I learned a long time ago was , FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY. I am shaking with every step I take but I take them anyway. Thank you so much for your encouragement.
Tami,
“Some of us were involved with these people for years, thought we were living totally normal lives and only learned years later after a sudden discard that we were some part of the twisted game that they choose to play.” I can hear your anger/pain. These posts often hurt me, it is nice to know I am not alone but sometimes I wish I were because I don’t want others to have been hurt this way. I agree with you about Charollete, or very young and lucky enough to have escaped. Apparently, I have been disguarded because I will no longer play his game. I don’t know what it is he is attempting to “win” at this point though.
A must read for anyone confused, in the fog, about a relationship is, “IN SHEEPS CLOTHING” by George K. Simon, Jr
Alot of typos in my post above but it wouldn’t let me edit. I hope everyone understands what I meant.
Dear Tami,
The key word in your post is “some of us” – not all of us were involved in the exact same type of deceit manipulation harm. So not all posts will connect with each one of us.
I was involved with someone for years… and in my personal story…there were many many red flags, but I kept going back… after the mask fell….I wasnt discarded… I was in and out…back and forth…in denial. And sadly I got sucked into playing his twisted game because I did not have the tools to deal with him.
When I say.. after a long long healing journey (one that Im still on) I personally choose to forgive from afar and recognize that I loved a toxic unheatlhty person – that does not mean I support what he did/does in anyway. It just means its what helped me to heal and move on and learn and grow. So many posters share so many things about their own personal experience – some times we dont connect with any of it, or perhaps just parts of it. But its generally not anybodys intent to hurt anyone here. If that occurs we can hit the “report abusive comment” link at the bottom of each post. Its whatever helps you is all that matters.
And Justus when you no longer play his game – he is attempting to “win” luring you back, keeping you in to “play his game”. NO CONTACT is the way we win or limited contact through lawyers if necessary when dealing with children and custody issues.
What I see is that there are SO many dysfunctional people out there. I used to think MOST people were normal. NOW, I see the world totally different. MOST people ARE dysfunctional and I look for signs when I meet people now. I don’t trust ANYONE unconditionally. This is where I’m at. I’m not paranoid…I’m cautious and more reserved. And, I am teaching my kids to be this way throughout their lives.
I have left the past behind me and I am living in the present and thinking positive about my future. It took me about a YEAR to get to this point. I left my job last April..had a “breakdown” and tried to leave him but I stayed until the end of June…Michael Jackson’s death day. This is when all of my “gut feelings” were proven right! I found him on online dating sights..one of them a “get laid in 90 days guaranteed” site!!!!
Of course, he denied he put them on there. And to tell you how pathetic “I” was…..after 3 months of No Contact…I went back to him and lived in denial (for a few weeks)! I wanted to believe that he wasn’t what I NOW realize he was …a pathological liar!
So, it STILL took me a few months to finally end it. And, when he knew I wanted out…he ZAPPED me first! I feel apart in Feb. when he did this. I was “back to last April” but, THIS time, I did whatever it took NOT to go back to 3 miserable months of grieving and anguish….
I found THIS wonderful lifesaving site…I read and read and finally, a few weeks ago….ACCEPTED what happenned…got over self blame….and decided to RE FOCUS and leave the PAST buried behind me.
I don’t think about what happenned…or about him…or about ME being a fool…or ANYTHING> If something triggers a thought that causes anxiety…I analyze it …feel it…and I talk to myself and say…
“SPILT MILK, 2b…its gone..don’t go there” and I IMMEDIATELY think of my NEW goals (get in shape…etc..)
I finally ventured back out into the world…joined a gym this week…socialize with SO many nice people…met a neighbor today that lives a few blocks away and SHE wants to get together to walk ….
So, it took me a year….lost 20 lbs and gained it back…and now I am working everyday on ME….doing what makes me feel great…working out…going to my “thrift store”…organizing my home…getting ready for the love of my life to appear someday….lol…It might be a year..5 yrs..10 yrs from today…but , in the meantime…I am STRONGER and more at PEACE than I’ve ever been in my life…because I got rid of the socio sister, socio b/f..and the socio husb moved to Florida!!!
Everyday is peaceful now. I can even talk about the r/s without feeling upset. It was the worst thing that ever happenned to me…but the BEST….because I am no longer the fearful little girl afraid of rejection and abandonment…and being a doormat for some sick evil sociopath person.
Going back to the gym tonite….my safehaven..
{{{{{{{{Learning}}}}}}} I read your affirmations and I love the way that you have turned it around into a focus on YOU.
Going back isn’t a sin. It’s just a need to get to the hard, cold truth. I have a friend who has spent 8 years with this guy who has burned her artwork, taken her money, emotionally and physically battered her, and all of the rest. She’s left him, numerous times, and her mantra is: when I look in his eyes, I just know that he’s hurting. I keep in touch with her because she is a gentle soul and is so isolated.
A person’s artwork is so personal -more so than any physical possession that they can own. That one person can accept the destruction of their work and attribute it to nothing more than an expression of the spath’s pain just makes me shake my head.
Well Buttons….thats sortof the attitude I have toward my xhusb, sister and xbf….they are really “sad cases”. All of them are “sick” to me. Disordered. And, even though they are evil and hurt others…they HAVE to be UNHAPPY to hurt others.
All of my family and friends said that all of the above sociopaths are so angry and unhappy underneath all of their scheming! If they were happy, they wouldn’t hurt others.
Their existence is miserable. I don’t feel compassion for them anymore…but I do feel sorry for them. I wouldn’t want to be them.
When I kicked my xbf to the curb last year…his brother and aunt said he was so miserable. Sure, he lost his “supply”. He should have TREASURED me when he had me…not taken advantage of me and sneak around behind my back. But, he isn’t capable of love…he can’t give what he doesn’t have for himself….love.
Learning,
The “win” is just keeping me in his game?? Wow, that is beyond shallow to me. I will ponder that thought. It will take awhile to digest.
I remember how he used to light up when he said, “I love to Win”.
I used to watch that carefully and think about everythng he said to me just in case he was winning. Between us, I never saw it, but I missed a lot.
Oh sigh.
It doesn’t matter about what he said or did because he’s gone.
The day rolls on with musings about who I become moving ahead and its all about that. All.
I loved Learning what you said about this site. It is that and I am glad to be here too.
🙂