If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Hens:
I do have peeps who haved been here loving me and supporting me…..NONE of who I thought would be with me/by me…through hard times and good….NONE.
Like my parents and other family! that was a big illusion for me to crack.
But….out of this whole ordeal…..I have the best of friends and support of peeps who I know I can fall on and they will catch me, or at least soften my fall.
It took me by surprise….
Dear Donna, thanks for the list.
If I imagine myself being a teenager and if I had met a man interested in ME and matching this list I would immediately have fallen for this type of man, for sure! It sounds like my father whom I cherrished so much as he was so calm in contrast to my histrionic crazy flamboyant loud selfish mum (plus for my father: toss in some boyish puppy-like gaze that looks at you and makes you want to rescue him). His word was the bible to me. (fortunately he warned me about “evil men” i.e. HIS LIKE and saved me lots of trouble in the first place, but gave me lots of VERY platonic onesided crushes).
This list has to come with the explanation that it is all fake and set up to conquer and then destroy and leave a devastated soul.
If you have A BIT of every item of the list it would be a great thing to be with this kind of person, but you have to look for the agenda well hidden, and that is the crucial point in my opinion. And you have to know HOW TO LOOK and that unfortunately comes only with experience or some inborn “spath detector” (where do they store them??).
And as Matt stated they take out take out the agenda by month three, when it is pay day and you get the hefty bill.
I wish you a wonderful day!
Phew!!! Oxy!!! Im so glad you didnt choke to death on that peanut butter sandwich, and become Mama Cass 2!
{If you remember, MamaCass, from the mamas a nd papas, died after she choked to death on a steak sandwich.}
Maybe no-one noticed, in time to do a heimlich manoevre on her.
Thank GOD Oxy is still with us!! Towanda and 3 cheers!
{Oxy, I didnt know that peanut was part of your diet! LOL!}
Just kidding, eat what you like!
I hada HUGE back molar removed yesterday, was I ever chicken! kept making excuses to the dentist, ie, what about if I went on a course of antibiotics during my trip, to keep it from getting worse? Turned out it was abcessed, so it HAD to go. Massive double root on the horrible thing.I have almost a month for it to heal before I leave for bonnie scotland on 10th May, for 3 weeks,. can you all survive 3 weeks without Mama gem?!!! {{HUGS!!}}, Gem.XXX
Dear Gem, high five to YOU! (I am a BIG chicken when it comes to dentists!) Rather stay away from them 😉 . Al the best to you and your inside cleansing. It is like getting rid of the Spath, isn’t it? It hurts like hell, you want antibiotics instead of REALLY GETTING RID OF IT and it delays and mixes up all your plans you had before, but when you are done it feels great, and you can chew better after that :-).
Have a peaceful day! ((((HUGS))))
Donna, here is one that you could add to the list:
11. They seem to have so many things in common with you. (They will often research your likes/dislikes and feign interest in them, or pretend to have had similar experiences in life).
Otherwise, the list is perfect.
The words “Soulmate” and “I have found you, I was looking for you my whole life” may fint into the 11th point made by Star.
Also the very strange, inexplicable physical reactions (panic attacks, stomachache, feelings of insecurity out of the blue when things should be very nice and peaceful) have become very important for me and give me the creeps. (but I have no idea how to put them on the list as well).
So-called sociopaths are people, too. They’re hurting even more than they hurt others; that’s why they do the horrible things they do. Only people who are hurting, hurt others. Before you “heal” yourselves, you need to recognize that the ones who hurt you also need to heal. And don’t you dare tell me that such people do not have a conscience or the capacity to heal; that’s a lie. You treat them like dirt, like they’re less than human, all the while carrying your victimhood around like a trophy.
I know what it is to be under a “spell”; I’m deaf in one ear from being beaten so much. I left and went back so many times, I lost count. I also lost friends and family support in so doing. I’ve lived the giddy euphoria, the Jekyll and Hyde, the unfathomable, jaw-dropping lies, the constant gnawing at the pit of my stomach, the “love” gaze that morphed into cold and ruthless disdain, the infidelity after infidelity after infidelity. I know what it is to lose (almost) all self-respect. I spent seven years trying to disentangle myself emotionally and physically, and finally succeeded. That was a long time ago now.
But I know now something I did not know then — I, myself, me — no-one else — made those choices to go back, over and over again. It was MY choice, even though friends and strangers warned me, right from the start, what I was getting myself into. I didn’t heed their warnings. It was my choice not to heed their warnings. I HAD A CHOICE, and I chose the wrong one. I wanted to believe the beautiful lies. And so consequences followed.
This person, this fellow human being, is in profound pain. Many of you may not believe that, but it’s true. This person is not some alien creature from the black lagoon but a human whose pain is buried down so deep, he’s almost lost conscious touch with it, and yet it still drives him to hurt others. I cannot heal this person, but I can pray that God will heal him. Hating him or disrespecting him or treating him as less than human will only hurt me in the long run, and I’ve brought enough pain on myself for one lifetime already.
Just as I had a choice to stay or leave, I now have a choice to hate or forgive. It’s a choice, not necessarily a feeling. Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean letting this person back into my life; that will never happen. Choosing to forgive means remembering what happened, learning from it for future reference, and letting go. Not talking about it. Not thinking about it. Not dwelling on it. Again, it’s a choice, one that is made once, and then re-made as often as necessary.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go on so long. Several years ago, I signed onto this forum, and I’ve been getting periodic emails ever since. Sometimes I read the articles, but most times I can’t, they’re so full of hate and self-pity. To me, they show that the writers are still under the spell of the so-called sociopath, and that most of the commenters are enabling each other to continue in their pain. In my grandmother’s day, it was called “wallowing in self-pity”. There’s a time for commiserating and mourning, and a time to move on. Like everything else in life, it’s a choice. And only you, and you alone, can make it.
Warning others about “sociopaths” is like warning teen-agers about the dangers of doing drugs. It will fall on deaf ears. We were all warned about our “sociopaths”, either by others or by our own internal warning systems, but we still pitched headlong into the rush. And what a rush it was. And what a crash afterwards.
What goes around, comes around. Please make good things go around, for all our sakes.
This list is so 100% true it is not funny I mean EVERYTHING listed on here she had. But there are also many other subtle traits which I found listed on the now sadly closed Transociopathica site which added to the above will almost certainly solidify your belief that one is dealing with a sociopath:
My ex Wife easily scored 26. Worth Sharing here I think.
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All of us have at least one of the traits on this list ”“ so do not find one or two traits and come to any firm conclusions. The list is based on my own and others’ personal experiences who have been caught in the snare of these lunatics.
Sociopath/Psychopath Common Traits
1. Waking up in a Pool of Sweat
2. Severe Migraines During Full Moons and Beginning of Menstrual Cycles
3. Needing at Most 4-5 Hours Sleep a Night
4. Inconsistent Timelines and Missing Past Histories
5. Eyes Dead and Lifeless/then Racing Frantically from Side-to-Side When Pulling off a Scam. No “Crows Feet” on females due to smiling with their teeth and not their eyes.
6. Falls Asleep and Wakes Up Instantly
7. Constantly Trying to Correct Others’ Opinions (arrogant pseudo-skeptic/debunker)
8. Narcissism/Boastful/Self Pity/”Why Me!” Sob Stories.
9. Righteous Indignation/Condescending/Always Right-Never Wrong
10. Crocodile Tears and Unconvincing Emotional Responses, Superficial Laughter
11. Extreme and Obvious Flattery ”“ Emulating/”Brown Nosing”/Sycophant
12. Idealisation Followed by Cold Rejection/Invented Persona to Manipulate Others
13. Sexual Promiscuity/Bi Sexuality/One Night Stands
14. History of Brief or Failed Relationships Ending Badly
15. Moving from State to State or Region Under Suspicious or Vague Circumstances
16. Claims to be the Only Person who Really Relates to You
17. Obsessed with the Latest Pharmaceuticals/Hypochondriac
18. Has No Real Creative Talent (can only copy other styles ”“ can’t innovate/be original)
19. Buys into Either Secular and Non-Secular Belief Systems to Act Superior/Enlightened
20. Gifts Designed to “Buy You” or to Mould You in a Certain Way (their taste in clothes, pop psychology books)
21. Lack of Emotional Depth in Terms of Others’ Problems/Hurt/Cheap Apology at Most
22. Little or No Interest in Parenting (even if they have children while claiming to adore them)
23. Easily Bored
24. Becomes Obsessed with Hobby or Causes/Individuals and then Loses Interest Instantly
25. Feels they are Entitled to the Best of Everything/Lights Cigarette without Asking if it is OK to Smoke.
26. Exploits Parents, the Elderly or Handicapped (money, free rent, getting into wills)
27. Defends Orthodoxy Based on Reading a Book/Discovery Channel/Penn and Teller
28. Claims to Have a Special Relationship with God or Faking Being Religious
29. Either Extreme Atheist or “Holy Roller”
30. Highly Unreliable/Broken Promises/Nothing is Ever their Fault
31. Wants to Know Your Every Move/Life Story ”“ While their Own is Elusive or Vague
32. High Testosterone (large clitoris/sexually aggressive/”pervy” pronounced Adam’s Apple in Females)
33. Parasitic Lifestyle/Slacker/Highly Strung “Genius”/Middle Aged Student
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF TICKING OFF 13 OF THE ABOVE TRAITS THEN BE CAREFUL AND REMAIN VIGILANT.
19 OR MORE THEN GET AWAY FAST.
In that first sentence I believe the words “might be” should be bolded and in caps because that list can sure be turned around and misapplied.
When I broke it off with my ex two years ago, after he came over in a rage and beat a window out of my house with a small log, he then went around telling everyone I was a sociopath based on some things he had read here. And this list will confirm it for him once again, as it feeds his delusions.
I am a college educated, well-rounded individual who has traveled the world and was recently widowed when I met him so I was financially secure. I fell for him like the proverbial ton of bricks. So I’ve just passed the first four tests, provided you only read the first few words of each. Next I get accused of five and six, again just the first few words. Skip seven because there’s always going to be some exception. Then the last three, yep, that’s me.
The reality is that this man has conned me out of thousands of dollars and almost drove me to suicide. I was so in love with him, I would have done anything for him. He asked me to marry him. I was never so happy and while I was making plans and getting things in order he started asking me to buy things for him. He had long been unemployed because he is always too “honest” and no boss ever likes him so he always ends up getting fired.
Finally, once everything was in order, he told me, “I’d never marry you.” Then came a long period of gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse. I was ground down to practically nothing. Until the evening of the broken window when the attending police officer told me that I was the victim of domestic abuse and needed to seek advice from the womens shelter.
I did that right away and it set me on a long period of discovery and learning about NPD. I am better now from what I have learned but don’t think I will ever totally recover from the emotional and financial loss.
I just wanted to point out here that you are dealing with some extremely fragile people and sometimes things you post can be misconstrued and used to hurt others. I mean, look at what charlottecreamer just wrote. There are people here in extremely dangerous situations so please remember that anyone can read these things, and use them as they see fit.
Thank you for hearing me out.
I’m just seeing the additional list that Frank Lee posted. That’s more realistic, I think.
Charlottecreamer,
All I can say is OMG! I really needed that. I spoke to a good friend of mine that’s like a sister, who at the time was with me when I met my ex-s. I explained to her what I discovered about him and that I truly believe that he is because he displayed all the characteristics. She was telling me that she believes he is hurting too and that when I tell her that he can’t be helped because that is what people who studied s’s said and that this blog also says and believes that, and she said that I needed to pray for him because God can help him, that obviously his was abused when he was younger, because she feels that he is definitely hurting inside and can’t figure out why he does the things he does and can’t change. I didn’t want to do it, but in the end I found myself truly praying for him and also myself. Not for him to change for him and I to be together, but for God to heal him, He is the Father of my two children. I have taken responsibility for my part finally. I blamed him because I treated him good only for him to mistreat me and I could never understand why. I still grieve for him because I don’t feel like it was illusion to me, he is a real person and I still struggle with everything he did that I tolerated. On this site some say a person was brainwashed. He was every bit of the top ten signs of a sociapath and he definitely hooked me but when I knew he was no good I continued to go back for the last 10 years. I want to say it was because of my children and also that I wanted that so called family life that I dreamed of as a child. Everyone around could see he was no good. This man treated me wrong, and didn’t work on top of that to help support his kids and still don’t and the support he did give was by way of another woman he was sleeping with that feel for his ways. But, I alone kept taking him back, he didn’t force me, I knew it was not going to change and I just wanted him in my life. I couldn’t see him out of my life. Maybe it was the abuser holding on to her abusee. Theirs a term for that. I’ve read books, been on the internet and on lovefraud and though I think all of this is wonderful and when I post a note when I’m down and get great advice, I too feel if I continue to wallow in self pity or to put my ex-s down I still feel like the abuse is still going on that he has a hold on my life because I’m not moving on. I find not talking about it helps a great deal because as soon as I do, I talk and try to rationalize and talk my good friends ear off about all the drama I went through, I end up feeling worse off, depressed and foolish talking about it. I needed to hear a different perspective and you definitely gave me one. Thank you. I can’t believe people don’t see them as human beings. Yes, they do very unthinkable things to people who love them, I too agree that they are hurting far worse than we can ever imagine. I know it’s going to take some big time healing for me to get through this but, I will continue to pray, I feel this is the only way for me.