If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Hello everyone (and thank you Buttons)
I’ve been meaning to ‘wonder out loud’ the various relations between targets and the abusers. I’d say at a rough guess many posters that speak of
1) ex’s. Two adults in a relation. Thsi ties in with dating couples.
2) Then there is the section on abusers targetting family members (parent/child & sibling/sibling).
3) Colleagues, community, neighbours
One can never claim more damage over the other. Neighours are just as destructive as an ex or parent. When there is a personal dynamic in the relation (ie not 3.) I am inclined to say this is far more destructive as friends and family may have been deceived or be used to maintain the abuser’s toxic behaviour.
Since I was growing up with my S sis by the time I was 2 I was instrincically aware of the abuse (the theme was alwasy ‘she’s got away with it!’). By the time she was 8, she’d sexually abused me. If she could do this, she could do anything to me. Our lives were from that point set out to be a silent dance between abuser and victim. The sexual abuse was a brief experience (around 4 times). But this was too dangerous for her, hence the psychcological abuse – way more effective and by the time she was 8 she was an authority on deception and each time she go away with it, her confidence grew and critical traits emerged. By the time she was 16 she was a N. Around this time malice was born. Devious malice. Thus began her 3 decade old performance de force.
At no point in 40 years has she stopped to think that the person she abusers is in fact analyzing and had a label for her; distinctly aware of a disorder. At no point does she know I am in fact 5 steps ahead of her game, espcially now I have a wrod for her behaviour (psychopathic/antisocial PD). Her abuse is getting worse. I’m growing astonished at the new ways her brain thinks up new forms of abuse. She’s constantly on this engine and that engine must not stop ever!
Mch damage has been committed (my 3 brothers are against me and play the pack mentality alongside her – I loved them so much, and they me. – They stopped when I told them one year I’d had enough of S sis. Her hearing this was gold dust and highly insulting to her as she relies heavily on the boys. I have another sis who has been a victim to S’s wrath – so two sisters are targets, the boys untouched.
Tim Fields writes a perfect artcile about female S in the family; that article is a carbon copy description of my family.
I wondered innocently how much can a person take and be exposed to the abuse? I’ve had 40 years of this from childhood. An easily influenced age group to be groomed and manipulated and thus end up with all the hallmarks of a victim (that sadly appears as mental illness to the brothers who don’t have a clue what it is like to be the subject of the S sis)
Dating a S, growing up with an S, being parented by an S, bringing up an S. I dont mean to claim to be the hardest done by. It makes no difference how long you’ve dealt with an S. I’ve probably been in touch with so many in my lifetime, but I dont give the impression of being a target – it’s just a sibling who seems to do that. (and a neighbour 30 years later..) .
Outlier:
Perhaps one day the brothers will see the truth. I have only brothers myself and I know what their love means to me. With my family of origin, however, I too, am an outlier. I am fortunate enough, however, to have realized that soon enough not to have made a fatal move with my p step dad and lose the love of two of my brothers. Hang in there , Outlier, who knows.
I would never have identified that I was dating a S, as I am too aware of female sociopaths (sis and neighbour) in an entirely different context. (btw, I am female)
What I’m saying is dating…. having an adult relation with an S is new to me, and this article is helpful. Their traits are very similar to the traits of my abusers. The stark difference is that my abusers don’t extract money from me; they accuse me of extracting money from vulnerable people. Which I believe is projection.
The vulnerabilty adults (in the dating perspective) carries is that rush of hormones that masks the vigilence. Once the rush of hormones subsides they’re knee-deep in a destructive relationship.
I’d love to read any posts about finding a wonderful happiness after the abuse via a new relation. Donna’s story and her positive life now is instrumental in believing that one can find a secure place in life after abuse.
Ive also learned (imagine, rather) that spurting out the abuse to potential relations is not the way. It is a risk to expose the abuse – the childhood abuse to the wrong ears will be destructive, as my sis is golden, high status, with years of garnering solid support from everyone. But then head teachers at schools with impeccable reputations, and priests.. golden with dark secrets. When exposed they seem to get away with it.
–
The neighbour was disciplined for abusing her patients (guess what kind…… mental health ward inpatients) my father witnessed and provided an account of her abuse; she was disciplined. She moved next door and our lives destroyed overnight. Mymother was sectioned for a month – who was behind that? S sis (then 15), and neighbour. I kid you not. The start of a beautiful friendship between the two.
She’s a bitter widow with a blood disorder (toxic blood running through her veins…) all the people she thought were friends cut ties after her husband died. But she still rides that engine with the daughter she never had (S sis)
Occasionally I send out a loving thought to the girl my father saw under the direction of the neighbour (he told me what he saw). I hope with all my heart that she is in a better place of peace.
Yet again I derail a thread specifically about “dating”. One point I aim to make then includes lots of other info. I think b/c some posters on here are regulars and others are familiar with their experience. I guess I’m providing a little background, somany next time I’m on this site, people may just recall me 🙂
justus5, we posted 1 minute apart. Your name.. I immediately had a lovely thought (a little fantasy, comfort thought). Your name could refer to my siblings – the five brothers and sister where S sis does not exist. I am the 6th. If she hadn’t existed, the dynamics in my family would be white. It is and has always been ‘firetruckred’. There’s nothing ‘white’ (clean) about it. S sis has coloured it ‘firetruckred’
My brothers –
1 is a male version of sis (but he doesnt have the disorder, nor malic, but an ego and huge connection with sis, similar personalit, conceited snobbery. I was 6 when he used to carry the mental health card (12 yrs separate us); he’s used it again on me last year; he’s too wrapped up in sis’s little finger and vice versa. BUT he doesnt ride that engine
2 was bullied horrendously as a child; no malice in him at all. Married a bully (we all hate her); has mouled into her and now he bullies parents like his life depended on it. Totally infleunced by sis
3. This one hurts. (I loved him and we once shared a little love that is sacred as it was just us. But I was so shy of his love, I wasn’t comfortable at 7 to express it with a sibling b/c I was already broken and silenced and abused at that age by S sis) I wish he wasn’t taken and believed sis. I’d rather say to him one day about sis. Nobody else. No malice, just so distant and I foudn it toopainful to meet him when he travelled the world to visit the family base. It was in sis’s house (she had to have it in her house!!!!!)’ He was hurt by my absence, but the same time I was suffering high level ptsd (it was another 2 years before I understood sociopathy/psychopathic behaviour) and had no choice to appear antisocial and “mentally unstable” by avoiding the family. Of course me and my older sister didn’t know he was visiting until 10 hous before as sis deliberately kept that vital info out of our email box (but everyone else knew ie all teh brothers and their families knew)
So the brothers are as distant from me as planet pluto
– Outlier
edit doesn’t work, should read:
3. This one hurts. (I loved him and we once shared a little love that is sacred as it was just us. But I was so shy of his love, I wasn’t comfortable at 7 to express it with a sibling b/c I was already broken and silenced and abused at that age by S sis, and also the elder sister who controlled me) 6 years separate us.
When people write they are more reserved ‘after the storm’. It’s the total opposite for me. I had no voice for 35 years. Now I’m revving to get up and going, and make up for all the lost years I never expressed myself. I was so shy to express myself at all b/c sis always lives in the back of my head.
I could sue her for loss of earnings over 25 years, stress, liver damage and nicotined lungs during the ptsd years. But she will live to 100 and be golden and still riding that engine… I’ve seen her abuse her children (4, 6) – me and elder sis have seen it; and the children’s hallmark abuse body language. Nobody is ever around to see it. I feel sick knowing she hurts the kids. Id rather she hurt me than her kids.
They say that we marry the most domineering person in our childhood. I definitely married my socio mother. He even looked just like her…esp. same expressions…smile and anger.
The dilemma is that if we want to change and attract people into our lives that are healthy and NOT like our dysfunctional parent…WE have to change…re route our neurons.
How do we do this? I think for me, it was acknowledging what happenned…(like an alcoholic, admit you have a problem) ..then, work on changing it.
Rebuilding our self esteem from the abuse. Develop confidence and then we won’t give off” vibes of vulnerability” and we won’t attract predators and abusers. Its the only way.
This is what I have been working on for almost a year now. I read everything about socios and then once validated who in my life was a socio…I got rid of them. Then, when the toxic people were gone…I began to work on positive thinking, feeling good about myself.
I joined the gym and the workouts help so much, physically and mentally. Its a positive atmosphere of people working on being the best they could be..
Just taking care of YOURSELF and learning to relax and feel peaceful….getting rid of excess toxins…people..weight…and negative thinking.
Everyday I do what brings me joy. Addicted to the workouts at they gym…walk around the thrift store..bike ride…cook a good meal…read ….relax.
My self confindence and outlook is positive now. I have left the self sabotage stage and I look at the r/s’s I’ve had in the past differently. I was weak and open for abuse from everyone. No more. I’ve learned to be my own advocate and take care of me. I am strong now.
This took alot of time to get to. But, it IS possible to recover from abuse. You can’t and won’t ever change an abuser…but you CAN change YOU. Thats what I learned.
There’s a woman in my group therapy for abused women. She keeps saying how her husband, who she is separated from..is changing….She is putting so much effort to change HIM. He is begging her to take him back after years of abuse and she really feels that he is “changing”. From what I hear from her about his behavior, he IS a sociopath. Once he gets back into her house, he will do the same lying and cheating.
So, she needs to learn. For me, I went back and listened to all of the “changes” he said he “realized” and made…and within three weeks, he was doing the same things.
So, thats my philosophy. Let socios be who they are, ..but find another “prey” because I will never tolerate the behaviors I did from the socios in mylife…ever again. I have STRONG boundaries now. I’ll never be the same…
Thank God.
Tobehappy –
Good for you! Keep on going!!! Focus on you – and do more positive things in your life!!!! Set boundaries – keep them! Great motivational post! Any exercise at all is good for all of us – it helps release so much!
A friend of mine shared this
“Calmness is the cradle of power.” ”“ Josiah Gilbert Holland…
Work toward finding the power and balance again in your life – never give it over to another. Or for me, its never AGAIN lose it to anothers ways, manipulation, deceit. Know what you deserve and dont settle for less. That doesnt mean ask or expect people to change – for me it means just dont let them continue to be your inner circle once theyve treated you badly.
One and done. It works with certain relationships with friends/romantic partners. Family members can be a bit more tricky – but setting boundaries and limiting contact really does help. Its about them and what they do == and its about us and what we dont allow them to do to us — by CHOOSING to have nothing to do with them or as little as possible if a co-parent/sibling, etc…
Very empowering positive posts about recovering.
Sociopatholics – an addiction that is impossible to stop. It’s not like drink you can pour into the sink. Being a sociopatholic is an addiction for life. It’s a scar on their lives for life. If anybody beleives in karma, then I believe karma got my S neighbour deep where it hurts. The sh!t thing I know is she deceived her kind husband we all loved. Even him.
Setting thess boundaries is enabling my spath sis to warp the reality. She genuinely believed I’m so dense that I’m at all aware of anything. I was 15 when I realised this person due for a degree in medicine was abnormal. At 15 she exposed her persona with some truly embarrassing dialogue. She was intensely jealous my elder sister was studying psychology; she was told you need to be ‘a little neurotic’ to truly understand psychology and be of any use to clients. She then went everywhere saying ‘hi, my name’s — I’m neurotic’. 😀 Hey, she was starting out as a junior ‘spath. She then changed this to ‘my name’s — i’m a doctor’ (she was 1 year into a 5 yr course). OOH, really?! oops, did I say i was a doctor, no I meant I’m on the course She couldnt contend with being just a student, so she promoted herself to a fully qualified doc at 18 with that specific worded salutation.
Re: ‘grooming’ yourself to be a non target is a process and one that requires layering and lashings of appreciating loving yourself; of being comfortable in that ‘silky beautiful cardigan’ so to speak.
ErinBrock,
Validation is heartening. Watching justice unfold, not necessarily so much.
I had my ex investigated and discovered most of the criminal and p/s behavior and his past history only after my relationship ended in March of 2007. I was directly involved in an insurance fraud investigation as it passed through both the investigative and then the prosecutorial units and I provided irrefutable documentation and further information upon which to build a larger case than what was presented, hoping the same as you, at least to block a plea bargain but also hoping to take him out of circulation for as long as possible. I was working under a subpoena, with (of course) the ex accusing me of causing his grief.
Almost none of the assurances I received from the justice system came to fruition, safety, information exchange, end result. The other recent charges beyond the fraud, resulted from behavior with one of the other women he had been involved with during and after our relationship, and it publically exposed his volatility.
On June 5, 2008 a writ for arrest from a grand jury felony indictment issued on May 21, 2008 for insurance fraud was served–when he turned himself in. He pled guilty/no contest. Bond was set at $75K. He requested and was granted a reduction in bond. He then posted a $10K bond on June 9 and was released.
While free on bond on July 30, 2008 he turned himself in on another arrest warrant issued July 16 from a different county, this time for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Bond was set at $20K, which he posted and was then released.
On December 3, 2008 with two felony charges pending, he was arrested for criminal trespass in the same county that issued the assault warrant. He posted bond and was released.
On December 17, 2008 another arrest warrant was issued after a hearing to set aside bond for additional criminal activity.
On Jan. 6, after the Christmas holiday, he turned himself in and was held without bond pending a hearing.
On January 28, 2009, a hearing was held for both the aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and the criminal trespass charges. Both charges were reduced to misdemeanors and he was sentenced to 120 days in the county jail.
On February 17, he had served the required portion of his sentence, one third (40 days), and he was released from jail.
On March 23, 2009, a plea hearing was held for the insurance fraud charge. It resulted in a conditional waiver of counts (he has two prior larceny felonies and a larceny theft with the convictions spanning forty years), a negotiated plea agreement and recommendation, agreement on bond and time credit, with arraignment order of guilty. It meant the habitual offender status (3 felony convictions) was waived, no further incarceration at this time, repayment to the State, and deferred adjudication probation in exchange for a guilty plea for his third felony conviction.
The convictions were all in Texas, the three strikes you’re out state, the Texas Tough state. Justice was served, unfortunately the parasitic behavior and his predation will continue until he meets his next target who also chooses to pursue “justice.” In his case, hopefully it will be four strikes and he’s out. It was a worthy effort.
I support your unrelenting vigor.
Benzthere
Benzthere:
Thank you for your post!
Prior to uncovering his doings and lifestyle, I never had a clue as to how the justice system worked and quite frankly never wanted to know….I lived my life acording to the law, so I thought it would NEVER affect me.
In the past 3 years, I have learned a great deal.
My passion is my children.
We struggle….he portrays a life of grandeur.
Kids question why I can’t afford to spend $60 fixing a bike and pops can travel the country, not working and living it up….bragging and whatnot….and he doesn’t have a job.
HE, and ONLY HE exposed himself to the kids….
His drug involvement was presented to them FIRST HAND by him…..HE PUT HIS CHOSEN ACTIONS ON HIS OWN KIDS SHOULDERS…..and involved them.
Innocent Young children……their own father!
I need to show my kids…..as good as they are NOW…..There are consequences…..
He blew up our family……by his choices.
(and I thank god for this now…with all I have uncovered)
But everything in life has it’s consequences.
I do understand the ‘justice’ system doesn’t work the way law abiding citizens think……the consequences are never what they ‘face’. The budgets and the lack of funding affect everything.
I thank you for sharing your legal journey and I commend your tenacity and follow through, despite the minimal outcome.
I hope you are safe, and I hope you are happy and embracing YOUR future.
I truely believe….it’ll all come back around!!!
They can’t get away with it forever and maybe, just maybe….In your ‘tough’ state…..the thing that will seal his coffin will be something minimal and sensless…..
IT WILL work out the way it should…..IT WILL!!!
Thanks for your support and encouragement to me and my plight.
XXOO
EB