If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
That’s the attitude I need to keep hold of EB. I feel empowered after your roar, lol! 🙂
It’s a lifesaver when others understand the mindf*** of an N/S/P. If you haven’t experienced it it sounds like a stupid game. If you have experienced it it can kill you. Bad stuff.
Yeah, he’s toxic. The only reason I want to know what he is, and I know I never will, is that forgiveness is a major deal for me because it gives me my power back. It detaches me from him.
I’ve hit forgiveness a few times already in this process, felt waves of unconditional love for this broken boy, but I hadn’t dealt with the anger enough yet, if at all. I thought I had until it hit for real and nearly knocked me down with its force.
If I imagine he’s a sex addict, and they can be narcissistic and have as much denial and crazymaking behaviour as true N’s and S’s, I feel guilt about how I speak about him, because I was addicted too — to him. I understand how tight a hold addiction has over a person. I was disgusting and wasn’t a good mother when under the spell of what was happening with him and his manipulation. I don’t believe that’s the real me. It was ‘sick’ me.
If he is a true N or S then nothing could ever make him better and nothing I say would matter. Everything could only ever be my fault, like it always was according to him. Then I don’t feel guilt. I got in the way of a monster behind a mask. And maybe some SAs are monsters and never change. I’ve been reading wives of SAs blogs and it seems that often they can’t. But if he’s a good man underneath what he does … I feel bad about my rage.
Urgh, am I making sense? Possibly not, I don’t seem to lately. I know it’s me who’s important now, not him, but forgiveness is part of my healing path and I will find it hard to forgive myself if I am labelling an addict as a psycho. I kind of know it doesn’t matter. I am hard on myself, or I would never have been here in the first place. Far too quick to put myself down and accept someone else’s version of the truth.
Nah, you know I’ve come here to be able to rant about what he did to me with people who understand. Concern about whether I’ve diagnosed him correctly doesn’t belong here. He does what he does and women get sick and even consider suicide. Call it what you like, it’s poisonous and I need to get it out of my system.
Verity, I identify so much with what you have to say. My X certainly fits the profile of a spath, but He’s also an addict, and addict behavior and spath behavior often over-lap. On the other hand, just because he’s an addict, that doesn’t mean he’s not a spath.
One possible symptom of sociopathy is substance abuse. I am sure womanizing fits in the profile quite well, too.
However, the difference between an addict and a spath, assuming they aren’t BOTH is an addict CAN change. A spath can’t. Both disorders are riddled with denial. A spath is certain there’s nothing wrong with him/herself, and an addict is sure they don’t have a problem with said addiction. That’s why the first step in treating addiction is getting through the denial.
I believe, as you do, that My X and I were BOTH addicted to each-other….we couldn’t leave each-other alone. I believe I WAS SICK.
I, too have moments when I’m not sure he’s a spath, and I cringe at my own behavior. I have moments when I feel really bad for something I said or did….But I have many more moments when I’m dumbfounded by the memory of something HE did. I remember being absolutely astounded by the things he was capable of, without batting an eye, and without remorse. I told him once, that He never ceased to amaze me.
I have come closer, now to true forgiveness than I have ever been before. He is a sick broken person, who may or may not be curable. But here is the point: I can’t cure him, I can’t control him, and I didn’t cause his sickness.
I, at least am able to self-reflect, and I am self-aware enough to know that I NEED RECOVERY. It doesn’t matter what you call him, He’s toxic and makes me sick. I chose to seek health, and am moving forward on that path everyday.
Try to take the spot-light off your X, and shine it on yourself. You deserve it. Make your recovery about YOU.
Kathleen Hawk has written some excellant articles on the stages of recovery. Forgiveness is in there, but it’s way toward the end of the journey. Denial, bargaining, and rage supercead it, so be patient with yourself, and stay on your path.
I’m glad you’re here.
Kim, hi. How great it is when someone identifies with what we’re saying. 🙂
You said: “I, too have moments when I’m not sure he’s a spath, and I cringe at my own behavior. I have moments when I feel really bad for something I said or did”.But I have many more moments when I’m dumbfounded by the memory of something HE did. I remember being absolutely astounded by the things he was capable of, without batting an eye, and without remorse. I told him once, that He never ceased to amaze me….
I, at least am able to self-reflect, and I am self-aware enough to know that I NEED RECOVERY. It doesn’t matter what you call him, He’s toxic and makes me sick. I chose to seek health, and am moving forward on that path everyday.”
Yes, yes, yes to all you say! My doubts only remain until I remember how he sat and denied my truths (and also THE Truth, with a capital T!) while I cried and cried, and he had his new woman set up even while I was suicidal and he was telling me he loved me. Astounded, dumbfounded and amazed … all words I use a lot. He did everything on the list of emotional abuse: gaslighting, minimizing his actions, justification, pathological lying, all the rest. It doesn’t matter what it’s called and if I make a mistake in diagnosis he’s still a danger. I wasn’t the only woman to suffer his ‘true love’. And I also have an STD. Got to the age of 47 before I had one of those. But bitterness and resentment are killers, literally. Have to heal. Thank you so much for being here and relating to me.
Dear Verity,
To second others’ welcome, I am glad you are here! This is a healing place and KINOWLEDGE=POWER. Keep on reading, read every article in the archives, and also keep coming here to blog.
People here do believe you!
Congratulations on the 3 months NC! That is a wonderful start.
As far as “forgiveness” is concerned, I believe the DEFINITION of forgiveness is to get the BITTERNESS out of our hearts, but it is not that we PITY THEM, or feel sorry for them, or want to TRUST them…..they are UNtrustworthy. We don’t have to feel Bitter, but we sure don’t have to have a “gushy feeling” in our hearts for them. We don’t have to TRUST them.
I agree with you that bitterness and hate are killers, and you need to cut your stress level down. Keep changes to a minimum,, and concentrate on YOU, healing you, affirming YOU. ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
Thank you Ox Drover. 🙂 Knowledge = power, I definitely agree with that! I struggle for the truth so much that it exhausts me. It’s not healthy and I hope I can stop soon because I can’t ever have knowledge, I can only ever have ‘likelihood of fact’ because I have to stay NC.
It won’t have to matter. If I’d heard more remorse from him I wouldn’t be here and broken. It was the deflection that made me lose my mind. So cruel to deny the facts. Those 10 signs of a sociopath were all present in my eyes (surely that’s not imagination?) but a part of me thinks that maybe he came back for a second try because he was sorry for what he’d done first time. Not that he loved me, because he still didn’t, but that he had genuine remorse. That would mean he isn’t a sociopath. But sorry for what he’d done or sorry he’d got caught? That’s what I’ll never know.
Honestly, although everything I read tells me he is personality disordered, it is so shocking to me that I can’t get my head around it. Think that’s how everybody probably comes in here at first. I’ll keep reading.
Sometimes my heart is full of bitterness for the betrayals and the mindf***. So unkind. So unnecessary. Sometimes I feel pity, sometimes something close to love for the person I wanted him to be, and who I thought I sometimes saw, sometimes indifference (that’s a new one and I like it best of all because it takes nothing from me). It saddens me that it was inevitable that I’d have to go through a bitter stage. I couldn’t feel that level of betrayal and stay saintly, although I tried for a long time. My hurt inner child had to speak up for herself at last. It’s made me ugly. I don’t feel shame any more and it no longer matters what he thinks because he never cared that much anyway. This is a rollercoaster ride! I seem to be recycling the same stages and emotions in rapid succession. That sounds okay though, if I can manage not to die of exhaustion. 🙂
Ooh, I’m rambling! No need to reply, I’m just getting it out there and off my chest and out of my head, lol. The answer IS, “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter,” as Susan Elliott says. Thanks so much Oxy and God bless you too. xxx
Edited, because that was far too long. I’m amazed by how much more mellow I am than I was when I joined earlier. Progress, methinks! This morning I wanted his nuts for earrings, lol.
Verity:
Writing is healing…..it let’s out the ‘steam’ build up and it allows you to go back and re read your thoughts and feelings and down th e line you see much growth therough your writngs….
Trust yourself….trust the process….and know….WHERE YOU ARE….that’s where you ‘should’ be…..in the process…..
And BTW…..there is a BIG market in NY for Soc. Nut earings….
I personally have my ass pierced and hang his dangles there…..
Oxy keeps hers in the freezer…..
Just a laugh….DON”T FORGET TO LAUGH…..we need humor !!!
EB, the visual is just too much. LOL
Placement is up to you…..
Can we get you a pair….showing thanks for the freshly knitted alpaca panties….
🙂