If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
When I realized the lie that was my marriage and what I thought my life was/would be was not, he didn’t understand my hurt. He’d say, “I said I was sorry.” I said, “I am mourning our relationship.” I could see in his expression he did not know what I meant.
So important for me to remember that blaming myself by virtue of how someone else MAKES ME FEEL is a red flag for me. He also blames me for our breakup/divorce process saying, “you did this.”
For the record: I did not make and break promises. I did not refuse to socialize. I did not cheat, lie, and lie again when caught. I did not invite strangers into my home for sex while a baby slept in the next room. I did not disengage from my family. I did not seek another. I did not emotionally batter. I did not gamble. I did not choose porn over flesh. I did not intimidate. I did not ridicule. I did not shame. I did not spilt, attempt to discredit. I did not mislead. I did not repeatedly threaten suicide. I did not say you hated me. I did not seek a wife while married. I did not enjoy any of this. What I did was end the madness with a madman. I allowed myself to trust in a higher universal power to help me through this life. I do have my own feelings and my own strength. I am independent though often I need others to help me through.
Thank you for allowing the rant–cathartic night!
Dear Fearless,
Yep, they do not hear the music, though they can learn the “words.”
The rant is fine! Indulge yourself any time! We all have we all do! LOL
I agree you did not deserve any of the things he did! No one does! I also think we all need support from time to time, and “no man is an island” unless they are a psychopath…then all they need is a VICTIM.
I’m glad you allowed yourself to end the madness! TOWANDA!!!! Keep on trucking and listen to the “inner voice” and the spirit within you to guide you. God bless. (((HugS))))
I had a friend tell me today that my ex who I just stopped talking to again after years of going back and forth seemed to fit the characteristics of a sociopath. When I looked it up online I was shocked and completely dumb founded and most of all scared.
I have been used, cheated on, manipulated, charmed, lied to, been the blame for the wrongs. My gut instinct about him was stay away but I couldn’t do it because he was so charming, manipulative and told me things I wanted to hear.
This list is everything that he is. He knew I was easy prey and went for it again.
Its done. I am over it. He can’t have my mind, and heart no longer. After 13 years….I finally see the light.
Thank you for this. I no longer feel alone. I no longer feel like an idiot for believing him over and over again. I now know it’s not my fault and never was.
Dear Someonelikeme,
Welcome to Love Fraud! Glad you are here but sorry you had to find your way here by way of the abuse!
You are SO RIGHT, you are not to blame, HE IS. You were conned! Welcome to the club, but not a club you would want to join,k but one that is a GREAT ONE if you NEED TO JOIN! You are NOT alone, there are lots of smart, educated and great folks here who have also been conned! But we are surviving and thriving and so will you. Making the decision to kick his sorry butt to the curb is the first of the BEST decisions! You are on your way. Again, welcome and God bless!
Someonelikeme;
OxDrover recommended the following which I found very useful.
http://www.vainencounters.com/index.php?q=forum/2010/01/27/12-characteristics-psychopaths-sociopaths
It was then that that light bulb really went off.
Thank you Ox Drover,
I am in the process of kicking him to the curb. Its hard but I know it must be done because I am in love with the IDEA of him not the REAL him. To believe that I went though this with him for 13 years is unbelievable. The last contact I had with him was last night. I fear that he will contact me again and I am so scared I will give in but I can’t. My friends and family are helping me see the light but this blog has been a real eye opener.
How do you move on and start the healing process? I just don’t know and need all the help I can get at this point 🙁
Someonelikeme;
“I am in love with the IDEA of him not the REAL him.”
This is the crux of a relationship with a sociopath. That you understand this is the first step in moving on.
Reaching out to family and friends is important, but unless they have been involved with a sociopath, they will never quite understand.
There are some very wise people here. Listen to them.
Dear Someone,
“How do You move on and start the healing processw?”
1) get away from him, kick him out, file for divorce, get a restraining order or whatever it takes to go NO CONTACT.
This means that NO contact means: NONE, NADA, ZILCH ZERO
If he has anything to say to you, he says it through your attorney.
If you have anything to say to hiim, you say it through your/his attorneys.
Block his e mails, block his calls, change your cell phone number, change your locks, etc.
IF YOU ARE MARRIED,
Get your important papers in order ASAP (tonight) Deed, cart titles, bank books, retirement accounts etc.
TOMORROW MORNING be AT the bank when it opens. Take out every cent you can lay your hands on in CASH and stick it in your bra. Cancel any JOINT ACCOUNTS. Take him off your life insurance. Cancel all credit cards in joint names. Be AT the attorney’s office by 10 and ask for an immediate appointment.
If you have minor children, tell them whatever is age appropriate, but don’t “dis” him, just “we are getting a divorce.”
If he comes to the house and refuses to leave, take the kids and go to a motel.
Also, get a PO box and get ALL mail forwarded to that PO box.
Take him off your health insurance policies.
DO NOT talk to anyone about what is going on unless you have to. WALLS have ears and they carry tales. BE CAREFUL WHO YOU TRUST.
If you have friends who you can trust, enlist them to help you if you need help.
Call a counselor and set up an appointment for you and your kids.
Call your minister if you feel that is appropriate. Ditto your parents and TELL everyone you trust that you do NOT want to have them say ANYTHING except NO COMMENT to him. They are NOT to discuss you and him with anyone, especially HIM.
PROTECT YOURSELF. PROTECT YOURSELF.
See your doctor, and expect some signs of stress. You can google them I don’t have to list the 100s of signs of stress, none of them pleasant!
NO alcohol, reduce caffine, eat right, EXERCISE (burns off stress hormones) and take some time on Love Fraud and hug your kids! Repeat after me: I WILL BE OKAY!!!!! THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD! and if you have faith PRAY!!! (((HUGS))))
I am not married to him thank goodness and have no financial ties or children with him.
I am in the process of blocking him from all means of contact. The good thing about this situation for me is he currently does not live in the state I am in but he is planning on moving here soon.
I do need to change my number and will do this tonight.
I hate to say this but part of me is still in shock. He has never been diagnosed.
I am just in the beginning stages and I have just realized all this today. I always felt something was off…. and could never put my finger on it. I feel brainwashed.
I feel sick to my stomach and am so saddened and upset.
Dear Someone,
Congratulations on NOT being married to him, and NOT having children with him that he will use as weapons to hurt you!
Yes, it does feel sick, and unreal, but A “professional diagnosis” is NOT necessary. He is TOXIC. POISON. That is all you need to know to start.
Go back through the archived articles by subject and READ and absorb what you need for that moment. ONLY that moment. Each moment will build like bricks in a wall to protect you, not only from HIM, but others like him. They are predators. We are prey. Learn how to survive and heal. (((Hugs)))