If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Skylar,
I really don’t think they always “mean to do harm”. Steve put it well: if you are in their way of attainment the next fix, the P is going to see you as an obstacle and destroy you, not because they want to, but because you have been perceived as being in their way to the ” treasure at the end of the Rainbow”.
On the other hand, how right you are: I say I want a guy in the corner who no one talks to because he’s shy and boring, but in fact, I would never be attracted to a guy like that. In all this time (since P), I’d only come close to emotional connection with a man who is highly neurotic because of severe childhood trauma. I know he’s not a P and I can “mother” him if I want: i.e. he’s not capable of providing emotional support but he has child – like openness and naiveté, that makes me feel safe; he cannot lie and functions on a very primitive level, despite his intellectual capacities.
But, this isn’t the future I want…. And – thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I bet, I am not alone in feeling the way I do.
Skylar;
Ever wonder about a simple moment, if something never happened, your entire subsequent path would be different?
Rush kicked off all the events that eventually led me to meet the x-spath.
June, 2008. I never had seen Rush in concert, even though I liked them very much. So, I head off to Canada, to see them at Le Centre Bell in Montreal.
I had great seats, and it was a great show. After the show, I went over to Le Village Gai. I went into a couple of bars and one club, but it seemed a bit dead.
Walking west of Rue Ste. Catherine, I thought maybe it was just me getting old. I was on the corner of Amherst and Ste. Catherine and looked to my right before crossing Amherst.
There I saw “Parking” in neon. I had forgotten about this club. It is Thursday night and in gay Montreal, Thursday night is all about Parking. I had more fun that night then in years.
In September, I went back to Montreal for a 5-day holiday, also to see Oasis, again at Le Centre Bell. I was also pondering going to school again, at McGill…
On a whim in October, I went up to Montreal just to go out at Parking on a Thursday night. That is the night I met this guy named Alex. We hit it off and I began this long-distance relationship, one that did not last very long and I was hurt. However, I was determined to move on and within a couple weeks of the breakup I had a dramatic mood change, based upon realization of some very positive things in my life, one being, my extended family.
I saw a play with all them, Shrek, on Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. I left that play in an very, very good mood. That night, I met the x-spath.
I believe to this day had I not gone to that Rush concert in Montreal, I would not have met the x-spath.
At least then. There was so much bizarreness to that story that there almost seemed an inevitably to my meeting him…
GettingIt;
I agree, in the sense that when I met the x-spath, he was genuinely interested in me.
Having said that, the means and timing of his terminating our relationship was swift, cold, heartless and without much remorse.
I just had my first therapy visit after almost a year after my escape from the trap. It trickled for about six months via phone/chat/text but I severed the lines quite violently verbally about four months ago. My panic attacks have started to wear on me so I sought help, told her my story and she is the second person to suggest he was a sociopath and now am just now settling into the idea that he was. So I am on the computer looking this stuff up and reading everyones stories and wow…I was in deep. Thanks for your posts, I guess my recovery starts now. I didnt know.
Dear alchemista,
Welcome to Lovefraud,, sorry you need to be here, but this is a good place to start your education, and KNOWLEDGE=POWER.
Glad you have a therapist and glad your healing is started. It won’t be quick, but there is light at the end of the tunnel of hell-on-earth that they dig for us.
It starts out about learning about them, and ends up learning about ourselves. God bless and again, welcome!
alchemista, ditto on the welcome from me too. I am glad you found this website and I hope in addition to reading that you keep posting! It helps! Lots of very caring / supportive people here. I didn’t know either.
I watch crime shows and remember Donna’s story from tv. This site is very helpful for me. I am a 34 yr old woman, educated- Social Work/Education, cute, house/job/lots of friends and on the dating scene. I recently met this guy online and we became “friends” on facebook.
We met in person and WOW, the CHARMISA and CHARM and EYE CONTACT! However, he put the moves on physically, almost immediately on the first date, and I didn’t buy into that for being cautious- SEXUAL MAGNETISM. The kissing/ability to be intimate soon became awkward for some reason; one time he would be gentle the next time he would be cold. As a woman I was listening to my instincts and piecing things together so I didn’t get physical. I felt he was trying to figure me out and make moves according to what he thought I was.
The first month, he was always texting or IM’ing me and we spoke on the phone sometimes- OVERLY ATTENTIVE. He is middle eastern so phone conversations appeared to be difficult. I chalked some of his phone callousness and bizarre comments/behavior to cultural differences.
Bizarre: appearing and disappearing; later saying he thought he had a brain tumor; headaches a lot; family problems; back aches; he would be fun and nice then cross his arms and be cold the same night. I felt he wasn’t getting what he wanted for some reason?
I had tons of fun with him (which is what kept be coming back for more!!!!!) and I would laugh my ass off; then the next time we met up he would be moody and talk about his problems and all the people who were doing him wrong. He posted the brain tumor story on facebook, PITY PLAY? He ended up having a sinus infection.
As we continued to see each other, I couldn’t help the gut feeling, especially when he would mention ex girl “friends”, taking them to the same places as me, and being vague about what a relationship is – “casual” or “friends”. I had definite trust issues with him.
He seemed to have alot of girlfriends and no male friends where he lived. I “called him out” one night and he looked like a deer in the headlights and told me he had slept with someone around the same time he was texting me (and I am sure plenty of other women). His responses to my questions were VAGUE and he never answered my questions in a forthcoming manner which made me suspect as well. Mind you he was bringing up these topics in backhanded ways. I also realized he lied about his age by 4 years- LIES AND GAPS IN HIS STORY.
The first time we met he bragged about his ten thousand dollar watches, the clothes in his closet, how smart he is- ENORMOUS EGO, his rental, he drove a BMW, had a house and showed me around his home asking for decorating tips and my opinion. He also texted me a message HELP! one time because he said he had squirrels in his attic. It was just weird but he was cute, successful, fun, charming and charismatic. Bill Clinton was his hero.
He was also very prejudice against races, jewish people, arabs, blacks, white, southerners, you name it and demeaning about people in a lot of ways. He didn’t like his family and told me his sister up and left his house around the holidays because she is “too American” and he thought she didn’t like living with him. He bad mouthed his brother and sister in law- BLAME OTHERS.
This man traveled and worked/lived in the middle east after college in America and said he stayed in hotels for 3 months at a time. It looks like he could keep a job however he didn’t have “roots” anywhere. And he is PROMISCUOUS.
Toward the 3rd month, he started to get pretty opinionated, his personality would change and his mannerisms would change too- JEKYLL AND HYDE. One night it turned into emotional abuse and I was stunned. He demeaned my brother and in the past would make fun of my friend he had met. He then proceeded to laugh and joke about his sexual encounters with other women. I called my girlfriend and was so hurt and stunned.
I called him that night and told him how I felt and he couldn’t care less- very cold on the phone, didn’t want to talk about it, he felt blindsided and told me to call him in the morning. He did apologise however I knew this was the response I would get. My girlfriend was appalled as well and a couple people told me this was cruel and emotional abuse.
I write my experience to see if it may help someone else! I believe he may be a sociopath and I told him to f-off in so many words and have cut all ties with him! The kicker is what kept me coming back was the CHARMISA AND CHARM!!! I just didn’t want to believe what I was seeing right in front of me.
Cls,
welcome. It sounds like you have good instincts and good friends. That just goes to show that even the healthiest people can get conned. I’m glad you’re here. You will find a lot of info that will help you avoid this kind of BS in the future.
The biggest red flag you wrote about is his flashy watch. That’s just gauche. typical spath.
Dear CLS,
Darling, you have NAILED THIS MAN TO THE WALL—and I think you have completely and CORRECTLY pegged him as some level of psycho/sociio-path. This is NOT someone you would want to be long-term involved with.
The GOING SLOWLY with relationships of any kind (romantic or other wise) so that you get to know them and waht they really are is the best way to prevent yourself getting hooked by one before you realize what they are. The “charming” is something they usually can’t keep up for very long without the TRUTH seeping out under the edges —
You noticed how he “blamed others” and “criticized” others and was prejudiced and hateful. You were A VERY OBSERVANT WOMAN. Good for you!!!!
Also, frankly, if a (normal) person gets sexually involved with these narcissistic/disordered people before we know what they are, the problem is that WE “BOND’ with the ones we are having sex with due to he hormone “oxytocin” which is produced during sex—they do not respond to the bonding because as studies have shown they have fewer receptors for this hormone to bond to, so WE become more bonded to them and they have a HOOK into our very brains and souls.
So staying OUT of bed with new people we date has a very PROTECTIVE function for us, as well as not exposing us to various diseases that their promiscuity exposes them to in many cases. HIV is not the only STD that is potentially fatal.
CLS;
Much of your story matches mine — foreign born, charisma, charming, fun, appearing and disappearing, vague responses to questions, Jekyll-Hyde, turning demeaning toward me…
Oh, and the gut feeling something was worng with the guy.
You were fortunate to extract yourself before he further led you on and inflicted worse emotional harm.