If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
The monster that ruined my life exhibited all of the above behaviors except for #9. In fact, whatever little I know of the guy’s true past is because of his parents, them being Sociopaths of sorts themselves. The man had no past and whatever references were to it were lies, always agrandizing himself and/or involvement. In fact, the man didn’t even have childhood friends much less memories. One day, I asked him about it and he replied “ha, that’s because I’m a mysterious man!” Mysterious my ass! I used to think that his childhood must have been so horrendous that he had blocked it out, I know better now.
However, I know for a fact that after the divorce, he did pick up that last trait and painted me as the devil who ruined his life, took advantage of him, yaddah yaddah yaddah. I became his pity play! How very ironic!
All, I’m saying it’s just hard for me to believe that a lot of people don’t take responsibility on their part. I guess I am just trying to see two sides to this. Obviously something is seriously damaged about these people to do what they do. I don’t think they just woke up one day and said I’m out to hurt people for my own benefit. We have a name for these people and much study was done on them for their to be characteristics to look out for. I’m just confused. All I know is that I don’t ever want to get into another situation like this in my life again. It has been torture for me to heal, I want to believe praying for this person will somehow help me to heal and move on. I don’t want to be insensitive to other people’s feelings and post something that will further hurt anyone because I know we have all been through some very traumatic situations, I guess we all have to do what helps us to move on and get over as much as we can to live a wonderful life. I do feel what Charlottecreamer is saying and she has hit some interesting points. I have tried to warn people about his behavior and I saw the warning signs and it fell on deaf ears. Unfortunately some people have to learn for themselves and some of them have and continue to enable him and give to him. I just have to take care of me.
Charlotte Creamer and God’s Child,
I am quite certain that every single person who has had their lives destroyed by a sociopath is perfectly aware of their own responsibility in the story and suffer terribly with shame and humiliation at allowing such a monster into their lives….and this is indeed one of the most significant hurdles to their healing; overcoming the shame and guilt. You are finding this out yourselves even now, just as we all have. Forgiving oneself might even be the longest part of the journey away from the sociopath.
However, to suggest that we are ignoring the pain that these creatures are in and that they suffer as much as we do, that their deep seeded pain has caused them to be broken, only tells me that you’re still enabling at some level and still making excuses for them. Everybody has been hurt somehow, some of us very, very deeply…but does my pain or your’s give you permission to seek vengence on everyone around you? No, of course not, because you and I have a conscience and compassion for others.
I’ll tell you what they feel: bottomless rage and self entitlement. They hate the whole entire world. Believing that they are just wounded animals lashing out in frustration is to dangerously underestimate the capability they have to destroy you.
Everything they pretend to feel is just that, a pretense. They are experts at playing the victim, so much so that they convince their enablers (because that is what we become) they that are too deeply wounded to be responsible for their behavior and their destructiveness. We become their enablers by buying into the story and feeling sorry for them, in believing that if they could just be healed they would ‘see the light’ , and by wasting our prayers on them…pray instead for their victims, past, present, and future, and pray for yourself. You may as well pray for the soul of a demon.
The beginning of that PinkFloyd song, Comfortably Numb, when the voice is screaming, just screaming….that is what they feel and see and hear all the time. Screaming. It is the sound of their limitless rage, the sound of their demand for every desire and whim to be met instantly, the sound of their frustration when they are inconvenienced in any way, the sound of every soul they have shattered, every human being they have wounded and crushed, and the foreshadowing of all they will hear in their afterlife; in purgatory. They feel NOTHING, and this pain of theirs you defend and hold up as a reason they should be pitied, is the very weapon they use against you.
Their two pronged weapon is their pain and your love.
They use their pain as an excuse to use your love to destroy YOU.
I believe with all my heart in Karma. I know that I need not pray for his soul NOR curse it. I know that God will deal with such creatures in His own way. I pray to forgive myself, I pray that he will not be allowed to harm another, I pray that my daughter will be smarter and stronger than I was, but to pray for the monster?….no, I have turned that over to GOD.
Explanations? yes, maybe…..but NO MORE EXCUSES. The explanation helps you find peace and forgiveness within yourself so that you can heal and move on….but excuses? NO. There is no excuse for the sins they have committed and will keep committing. Do yourself the honor of not making excuses for them anymore. Doing so only keeps you vulnerable and open to them, and it keeps you from seeing them, or yourself, clearly.
This isn’t going to make me popular but I totally disagree with charlottecreamer. First, not everyone is dealing with an ex lover or spouse, some are extended family and past friends who tried to do them in. Even if it were an ex-mate it would feel like praying for the devil–an I personally don’t pray that way. I don’t recall seeing anyone on here not admit that they tried to set things right and deal as best they could with the people who were creating chaos in their lives and it wasn’t until they became informed on whom they were dealing with that they gave up on them and concluded those people in their lives. I have read peoples stories of being abused by those they loved, that made me weep. To deny they were and are victims is in my mind to deny their pain which is very real and some will carry that pain to the grave. Just my personal opinion. Breached
Oh, Oh Jennifer1011, you said it all and I couldn’t agree more!
Jennifer, Extremely well said!! Thank you. And I do think that your comments come from a well meaning and protective stance to those you wrote them to. I hope no one feels offended as we are ALL in this together. We are in nothing short of a fight between good and evil. We must stand together even if opinions differ.
My experience of spaths are- my x husband, and now my 21 yr old son. In dealing with my son, I dont think anyone can say that I have “hatred” for him, as his mother, I have deep love for my child as much as any real mother can- BUT I willnot ignore, enable, nor cover up his evil ways- YESS! THEY ARE EVIL! I DO pray for my sons victims- the girlfriends he violently has abused, the future ones, the people he callously exploits (myself included!),,,etc..
I DO pray to the good Lord that the spaths have their eyes opened (scales removed) and change from their wicked ways. Is a spath miserable ? In my personal beliefs, I think that anyone being separated from our God is in their own version of hell- no peace, no real joy.
BUT has anyone here ever saw a spath TRUTHFULLY ask for help or prayer that they change from hurting others?? I have never. Define human.. is it having a moral compass? they dont.
My sons case included. My son just recently saw Lovefraud- he said to me ” I know that you are on this site- but God and I “laugh” at you.” Then proceeds to say how judgemental we all are (WOW- so its OK to steal, kill, and abuse??) He said that some of the most “spiritual” people he has met were in jail, and they would return to jail- because of “stupid” reasons the courts lay on them.
He says that just b/c someone smokes a crack pipe dosent mean that they aren’t close to God. After a long time of useless explaining to him that God forgives, but expects us to turn from our sinful ways,,etc etc- The word salad he was force feeding just got to be too much. I told him to attend REVEREND Crack Heads services and see where that got him! grr!
We are here on LF to help those who are in need and want help, support, and real information. The spaths are in Gods hands, WE can not change those who do not want to be changed.
How is this for Irony….
On some level I agree with Charlotte ( with regard to low level toxic people) and on some level I agree with Jen (with regard to severe end-of-the spectrum type S/P’s)…
For me it has always been a question of why they do what they do?
Some believe they set out to do it…others believe its a result of past trauma, genetics, the whole nature vs nurture thing, etc.
To me its we are ALL entitled to view it in whatever way helps us to move on. Including being able to say we forgive as we move further and further away from them and their toxicity. Personally, I chose to forgive mine for all of his choices with me – it helped me find balance again and a sense of closure. Do I excuse him or try to explain him?? NOWAY… I just accept he is not a healthy person and he does not make healthy choices. I am not convinced he was born the way he became…although SOME human beings may be born a N/S/P… I dont believe mine was.
Does it matter ? Not at all in the grand scheme of life. What matters is that I focus on myself…my morals… my self-respect …my self-love and what I want and deserve from another (friend, lover, family member, co-worker) I am responsible for me.
Charlotte, I do not agree with your statement that we were all warned about our Sociopaths. AT THE AGE OF 35 I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. I dont believe attempts at educating and informing others at any age will fall on deaf ears…I believe the lack of education and information about these toxic people adds to the increasing numbers of toxic relationships/interactions.
Breached…at some point…in my own personal experience…there became a fine line between being a victim and being a willing participant in the journey – simply because I didnt have the tools to deal with a Sociopath and he didnt have the tools to deal with an empath who slowly came out of the fog and began to regain or learn for the first time ever her worth, value and sense of self-respect.
This may not be popular here either, but I believe we were both victims of ourselves. Our lack of understanding of ourselves and eachother for that matter. Both of us. If I had an understanding of his “type” I would have been out the door within hours instead of years….once I had a grasp on myself.. that is 🙂
But my belief is limited to certain types of personalities. The high end spectrum of Psychopaths who murder and plot and plan are an entirely different breed and fall into a separate entity altogether.
Education is key to help in protecting others. Whether they heed the advice or not is subject to the individual, but putting the information out there is our responsability. I dont want my baby daughter or anyone elses child falling victim to someone (sad to say) that is like my son ( a Spath) who has little or no respect or concern for others. Sticking my head in the sand, only focusing on “my” problems is just not an option! Too many lives are at stake.
Can definitely relate to the Jekyll/Hyde and the Sexual Magnetism. At least on the relationship I had with the “Christian” guy more than 10 years ago.
I finally “got the memo” when I realized, over the phone, that I was hearing two different voices: one the nice man I loved, the other the preacher on a high horse, proclaiming his righteousness over all. The really creepy part of this is that his church supported his act; the place is a psychopath factory, still going strong.
And I’ll never forget the sexual magnetism. Or the backlash from him about it. Let’s just say, the 36-year-old “virgin” knew how to fling the testosterone around and then claim I was the slut. I remember one time I couldn’t let him leave the room, I was so turned on.
I can laugh about it now, even if it wasn’t funny then. When I left him in the dust, I resolved to always be that slut he was accusing me of being. Big time. I realized I had attracted this weird Puritanism into my life, even if I wasn’t really like that. Life is to be lived!
By the way, the admonitions here to stop trying to change people who are dead-on-arrival anyway is good advice but maybe taken a little too far as a belief system. There’s a book called “Influencer” that gives a little hope — but I would still say, this kind of process isn’t for amateurs; the book talks about professional programs, for instance, an ex-con rehab center. I also saw a very perceptive one by an ex-addict called “You Can Change the One You Love” or something like that. Again, though, if you’re dealing with a true psychopath, I would steer clear. The best path is outta there.
Jesus prayed for those who were driving the nails into his hands “father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”
Jesus knew what Judas planned to do, and to him to “go now and do it’—I won’t get into an argument about whether or not Judas did or did not repent of what he had done, or saw the light as he cast the money back at the men he had taken it from.
The scriptures do command us to pray for those that aubse and persecute us. My own take on this is that thought praying for them may or may not “benefit them” it benefits US in helping calm the anger and bitterness within our own souls.
Being bitter and angry forever against those that have wounded and hurt us doesn’t make us better people, turning that bitterness into acceptance does make US better people I think.
As far as I know, God doesn’t force anyone to “be nice”, we all have FREE will if we have enough intellect to make that choice, and I believe psychopaths have a choice to do good or evil, and if having “bad things” done to you is an excuse or reason for doing evil to others, then everyone who has every had anything unjust done to them could be a psychopath and get a pass.
Why should I have compassion for their past pain that makes them hurt others, and have NO compassion for the victims, even if the VICTIM IS ME? I don’t want to “wallow in self pity” forever, but we are told in Scriptures to have pity and compassion on those who have been wounded. I don’t read where it says “UNLESS it is yourself.”
The psychopaths I have known beg my pity for themselves, but offer nothing but scorn themselves for those they have devalued and/or discarded, the people they have wounded, or even killed.
Jennifer, I don’t “wallow in self pity” continually now, though from time to time I have compassion on the “wounded me” that was, I have compassion on the “me that is now.” I acknowledge that I stayed in the relationship(s) with the people who abused me. I pray for them, but if their hears are so hard that God cannot reach them, I do not believe that God will force them to hear Him or love Him, or obey Him. It is a FREE WILL CHOICE in my opinion.
I also have compassion on others who have been wounded by psychopaths who have chosen to do evil. As far as psychopathy being caused because of deep seated past abuse, then each of us should BE psychopaths. Instead, we are accepting responsibility for our choices, not blaming anyone else for the choices we made to stay or go back or to continue the relationship, but to figure out WHY we made such choices, to accept that, and to move on to a better life.
We have been judged enough by others, and principally the psychopath, as being defective, but we no longer accept that we are defective, but choose to be WHOLE and KIND, and to recognize EVIL ACTS for what they are and to remove ourselves from the presence to people who ACT WITH EVIL.