If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
I really want to date again, I am not washed up on the beach yet but terrified of falling for Mr Sexual magnetism combined with charm and overly attentive moving fast and I’m “gone” again. There is some part of me that over rides the red flags and goes for it anyway much like to an intoxicating drug.
I am reading Brenda Schaeffer “is it love or is it addiction” because I think among other things I perhaps was addicted to the P rather than in love, because and I quote from the book:
‘For many of us, this is because we did not get all of our needs met in an orderly way when we were children. Addictive love is an UNCONSCIOUS attempt to satisfy our developmental hunger for security, sensation, power, identity, belonging and meaning’
she defines addictive love as:
‘A reliance on someone or something external to the self in an attempt to get some unmet needs fulfiilled, avoid fear or emotional pain, re-enact trauma, solve problems and maintain balance. The paradox is that addictive love is an attempt to get control of our lives, and in so doing, we go out of control by giving personal power to someone or something other than ourselves’
putty in a sociopaths hands.
I feel an energy to be clear about what is healthy love and what is addiction.
in her book she quotes Erich Fromm definition of healthy love as:
“the expression of productiveness (which) implies care, respect, responsibility and knowledge; a striving to-wards growth and happiness of the loved person, rooted in one’s own capacity to love”
Not getting that from my own mother I am flailing around in the dark. I will probably be quoting more from this book because I want to share it with lovefraud readers if it rings any bells for anyone.
AMEN! to what “jennifer1011” says!~
I am (WE are) dealing with an abusive 15 y.o. half brother now, on wkend visits with the mom, that the s-path mother parties away or SLEEPS away the weekend, and dumps the 9 y.o. on.
They have “Combat Training” which according to the POLICE officer who took our report, scratching his head, said: Yes it is valuable training “WHEN DONE BY A CERTIFIED and AUTHORIZED teacher.”
The charge is NOW assault and the 9 y.o. has been told, he is to call 911>>> WHEN and IF the mother EVER leaves him alone with the 15 y.o. again – for ANY reason – as this charge is pending.
This combat training is done in the guise of teaching the younger one to defend himself against bullies – the ONLY bully in his life is that GD 15 y.o. that acts like he’s a tantrummy two year old.
Ths combat training consists of “-pain, submission” and humiliation, AND “punching, kicking, take-downs, flips and choking/chokeholds, called – and I quote “THE REAR NAKED CHOKE HOLD.” ”
Does the name RIDGWAY spring to mind???
The older is so jealous that the younger son, his half brother, has WAY so much of a better life than HE USED TO HAVE, living here, with his then-stepfather.
His mother screwed THAT all up, 15 ways to Christmas…and he’s jealous – pure and simple.
The mother is BLIND TO, and UNCONSCIOUS of, the whole ordeal of the younger son, but I can tell from his responses, occasionally overheard during their nightly phone call, that she IS pumping him for information — while trying to appear NOT to be doing it!
The 9 y.o. knows this – the older half brother is being “home-alone” schooled, and WHY – Because he’s a sociopath! He doesn’t get along with anyone, he IS a brown nosing suckup if he thinks he’ll benefit from it.
The assaults have been reported to HER local police department – 2 hours drive away – because we felt that it was important to GET IT ON THE RECORD. The ball is now in the Prosecutor’s hands as to whether or not CHARGES will be filed.
I’m so glad we took the time off of work and school to report this. I’ve told the 9 y.o. that he is to NOT EVER submit to the older’s choking EVER. Because? His mom will still be left with “A SON” and his Dad would be in mourning, buryuing his.
Plus, I lived with that little SOB when he was 10 & 11 – he lit fires in his room; peed his bed til he was at least 12; and broke every cat’s tail that he could find = SOCIOPATH.
It doesn’t take a PhD or a master’s degree in Psychology to assess those traits – but it DOES take one to MAKE that assessment be taken seriously by the COURTS – we’re on our way! It is on the record, now…the sadistic little monster….WE WILL LET THE POLICE and prosecutor handle THIS little “Ridgway-in-training…”
~jewels~
Sabrina said
“but putting the information out there is our responsibility”
YES. YES. YES.
Dear Bulletproof,
Of course it rings a bell with me!!! CLANG CLANG CLANG!!!!!
That was why I was so vulnerable to the P after my husband died. I was soooo needy, like an drug addict who’d just been let out of jail and NEEDED A FIX! I wanted to find a man to make me happy again. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out! Couldn’t work out.
I realize now that two people must EACH be happy and then can SHARE that happiness, but if we depend for our own happiness on someone else, that someone is in control of our happiness and life. I had been happy when I married my late husband, but slowly I had let HIM become my happiness and when I lost him through death I no longer had my own happiness to fall back on, I was EMPTY and wanted a man to instantly REFILL that emptiness. I picked a P, who of course love bombed me, promised to make me happy and then ZAP! I found out the truth he was a parasite!
Great list! I sent it to a friend, as she is back in the dating game.
As far as Sandra Bullock and Elin Woods are concerned:
they are making the mistake we all did for so long, thinking these guys are really the ones THEY/we see and the bad boys they are away from them/us are not really who they are…they just have issues from their abusive/demanding childhoods that cause them to ‘act out’ in the wrong ways. Poor misunderstood creatures. NOT! Breaking free from these men requires understanding they ARE those bad boys and the face we see/they show us is the fake one. Once that dawns on us, we are on the road to getting out.
Elin wants to protect her kids and keep her family together.
Sandra never really found a man that ‘rang her bell’ like JJ, so she is hooked and frankly, I don’t think she is going to let him go just yet. I read where she supposedly did want to divorce him but was trying not to anger him into becoming vindictive and damaging her career, which may be true. But, we all know this does not work. When we don’t do EXACTLY what they want, that’s enough for them to turn that wrath on full force. If she is trying to create a ‘debt’ for JJ, it could be by having his kids with her. But, I was pleased to hear Sandra refused to take JJ’s call from his sex rehab. Course it ticked him off when he figured this was not going to be the ace he thought it was, so he walked. HA!
Dear Aloha and Henry, RE: your posts above! It would be great to have to buy a new computer because this one caught on fire welcoming new people! Nice thing is though, I’m not the only one welcoming folks any more, FREQUENTLY others welcome new posters before I get a chance, since I pop in and out during the day between projects, or when I sit down to rest weary old muscles.
I’m also glad to see many new posters bringing up old threads and reviving them. The archives are so full of old threads that are still so relevent that it is just wonderful they continue to be read by new members of the community. The diversity of opinions here on the various topics and the different ways the same opinion is presented is just awesome as well.
I just want to say in support of charlottecreamer that, yes, WE chose, on some level, to have these experiences in our lives — as painful as that is to realize. The victim plays the game, too. I think that charlottecreamer is very brave for acknowledging that.
But I think the distinction we make here about what psychopaths/sociopaths ARE is that they are NOT “hurting.” The coordinates we use to describe other assorted jerks, narcissists and assholes just don’t apply to them. The one thing they are not doing is hurting — unless these predators are somehow deprived of their prey.
I consider myself a highly perceptive, defensive and even possibly aggressively off-putting person to the average S/P. I’m not, shall we say, low on the bullshit-detector scale. But the extraordinariness of these S/Ps eludes a lot of people like me.
If this were just a site to discuss ordinary assholes who respond to love and interventions, it wouldn’t be so interesting. But this site discusses some really extrarodinary, outrageous people. People who are hollow fronts, empty shells, deft actors and dangerous workers of cons. We’re talking about men who persuade their probation officers to marry them. People who shoot guns around not knowing what the big deal is. People with multiple personalities.
But having said that, I agree even more with charlottecreamer if her intent is to say the best way not to be a target is through self-awareness. Self-awareness includes taking responsibility for even that little, tiny, not-so-significant button inside you that the S/P in your life exploited.
Dear Oxy,
WELL SAID!!!
Especially
“Instead, we are accepting responsibility for our choices, not blaming anyone else for the choices we made to stay or go back or to continue the relationship, but to figure out WHY we made such choices, to accept that, and to move on to a better life.”
Thats what I finally chose to do, am doing and will continue to do.
Every story and situation is different. Some with red flags and perhaps some without. Mine had red flags — I just didnt know how to deal with them and I had to change my ways, grow up, and become independent and know what I deserve and want in any relationship.
I was not a bad person – I made mistakes – and I simply didnt have the tools to deal with toxic, bad, evil. I chose to forgive all of it and move on making healthier choices with people I let into my life. Its called respecting myself and not settling for bad treatment from anyone. It got lonely along the way, but eventually the good in others prevail and slowly you rebuild a healthier life and relationships.
Thanks Oxy. xoxo
LiedTo:
You wrote:
“In that first sentence I believe the words “might be” should be bolded and in caps because that list can sure be turned around and misapplied.”
“I just wanted to point out here that you are dealing with some extremely fragile people and sometimes things you post can be misconstrued and used to hurt others.”
I believe the tactic of “turning things around” on someone, and using things posted here to hurt others is called PROJECTION or BLAME SHIFTING.
From what I have read about projection, this is part of the essence of a sociopath.
That’s what they do. It’s not something they learned here at LoveFraud. It’s part of their core. It’s a defense mechanism that they use to hide their disorder and to keep their victim destabilized and confused.
I recommend the books “Stalking the Soul” by Marie-France Hirigoyen and “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare.
Charolotte Creamer:
You wrote:
“So-called sociopaths are people, too. They’re hurting even more than they hurt others; that’s why they do the horrible things they do. Only people who are hurting, hurt others. Before you “heal” yourselves, you need to recognize that the ones who hurt you also need to heal. And don’t you dare tell me that such people do not have a conscience or the capacity to heal; that’s a lie.”
1) Sociopaths do not have a conscience, and they do NOT have a monopoly on pain.
So, I disagree with your premise that a sociopath’s pain is even greater than the pain they inflict on others.
And it’s NO justification for the horrible things that they do.
Page 195 of “Without Conscience” states, “Psychopaths don’t feel they have psychological or emotional problems, and they see no reason to change their behavior to conform to societal standards with which they do not agree.”
This is why therapy does not work and they are unable to “heal”.
It also makes me question whether or not they are actually in any kind of pain.
2) This notion that psychopaths are “fragile” may also be false.
Page 195-196 of “Without Conscience” states:
“Psychopaths are not “fragile” individuals. What they think and do are extensions of a rock-solid personality structure that is extremely resistant to outside influence. By the time they enter a formal treatment program their attitudes and behavioral patterns have become well-entrenched, difficult to budge even under the best circumstances.”
3)”Only people who are hurting, hurt others.”
People unintentionally hurt other people all the time, so you do NOT have to be in pain to hurt someone.
I don’t understand this statement at all.
I suggest the books “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare and “Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout.
Rosa, TOWANDA!