If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Three long years with spath, dealing with today warm and then cold temprament, kept me so confused and anxious, I started having chest pain, due to all the stress, lost night sleep, even during sleep, the way he would turn I could tell he is upset or not, not knowing from what. So it was 24×7 watch. Had to take sleeping pills first time in life for 15 min sleep.
Once he was gone, I was sad as hell, but slept like baby, no more chest pain, feeling so tired, like i have been walking all my life without any rest.
It truly had physical impact on me, and I know now I would not have survived with him longer. He did favour to me by leaving and by respecting NC set by me, I know he keeps tab on me, he did before.
I have told all my friends not to tell me anything about him, if they see him, because it tiggers anxiety in me, and I don’t want that anymore.
His first wife died by cancer, after 10 years of married to him. I know how much stress he caused can turn a very healthy person in to corps, then he played saviour, tried to save her, but he said she didn’t do anything to save herself. Later on o ne of his relative told me, she preferred to die than leave him, because she tried to leave him many times, and was pulled back.
Dear My heart,
Stress can play a number on you physically, mentally and emotionally. STay NC and take care of you. Eventually you will come to peace. (((hugs)))
Dearest Duped,
You write so well! You describe so well, and so accurately the crazy, living hell it is to be associated with a spath. Until I found Lovefraud 2 years ago, I had literally NO IDEA what I was dealing with, with my 2 adult daughters. In fact, I was starting to believe them when they said,”You are the crazy one Mum!” My ex husband of 19 years, was and is an alcoholic, but even he was an angel next to my spath daughters, and I still to this day am not sure if he is a spath, or just an alcoholic.he was NEVER as cruel, callous,maniulative, sick or as twisted as my daughters were, and are.I have told this story before, but Ill tellyou it again, it now seems to be spliced into my DNA!
In around 1980, when spath D one was 16, I tried, as lovingly and as politely as I could manage, to talk to her bout her boyfriends habit of tooting his car horn, and her running up the front drive, and roaring off with him into the night. I asked her to ask him to come to the front door to meet me, I only wanted to set eyes on him, and ask him t take care of her, and drive carefully.
This brought about such an attack of pure RAGE as Id ever seen in my life! she was standing at the other end of her bedroom,{she had her own downstairs flat,]actually ironing a pair of her jeans. We had a very heavy industrial type steam iron, and she shouted,
“You F–ing Bitch! get off my back!” and she thre wht red hot iron with all her strengty at my head. It missed, thankfully, and hit the door jamb, on the right of my right temple.Where it hit the soft wood,{wed just had this new doorway put in, and the wood was unpainted,} it left a dent big enough to fit my whole thumb into.
Then she ran off. I was left, sitting on the step next to th door, shaking so bad.I tried to fill the kettle, to makea cup of tea, and I remember, I shook so hard that I couldnt fill it, and gave up trying. I sat on that step and shook for hours, shaking and sobbing. No one came.
Years later,by this time I was divorced from Husband no.1[ and very happily remarried to my lovely husband,David,
I could not get this incident out of my head. I remember how spath D. 2 had said,
“Your crazy! You should be committed! Deb never threw that iron at you!Your a liar!”{she hadnt been there, so how would she have known?}
This, then, was some 8 years later. I tok a bus out to my old house, the scene of so much fear, pain and anguish.
I didnt tell David I was going .I just had to do it, for my own sanity nad peace of mind. I had to go back, to see if indeed the girls were right, and Id imagined the whole thing. It took me around 2 hours to get to y old home. I knocked on the door. A tiny boy, of around 6 years, opened it. I asked him if his Mum was in.
“No, Mummys at work” he said, “but come in! Inside waht had been my old living room, was another very small boy, thy had both been watching a huge telly. The brown velvet curtains wewre drawn, so it was semi dark.
I explained that my name was Mrs — and Id used to live in this house, that I had been an artist, and came back to see if my studio had changed. He was totally unfazed, asked me if I wanted a cup of tea!!I couldnt believe that his Mum had left these 2 tiny boys on their own.
I asked him if he mind if I took a look around, downstairs.
“Thats OK!he said, and led me downstairs.
There, in the soft wood of the still unpainted door jamb,-level with my right temple, was a deep dent, large enough t o fit my entire thumbinto. Id seen all I wanted to see.
I left a note for his Mum, thanked the litle boy, and left for my long trip home.
When I arrived, My husband greeted me with
“Where the hell have you been? Ive had the ___town police onto me!” It seemed the woman had got home, found my note with my phone no.on it, and reported me to the local police for trespassing. My guess was that she did this to cover her own guilt for leaving 2 such small children unattended for the whole day. When I explained to the Police tat Id only gone there for “old times sake’ and had left a note,tey said,
“Its all a storm in a teacup maam, think no more of it, we’ll explain it all to the lady in question.”
I heard no more from her.I was glad I went, it realy HAD happened, I was NOT crazy, and yes, I COULD have been killed at worst, or badly concussed.!!
This was around 20 years before I found Lovefraud, and the scales started to fall from my eyes!
My daughter will be47 in 2 weeks time. She has caused me, her husband, friends,work mates,her 3 children a lot of pain, upset, anguish, and shows no sign of ever changing.
She is still married to my SIL after nnearly 6 years separation. She haslost countless great jobs,been fired for embezzling over $28,500 from one company, laundering it thru another, and thence into her bank account.
Over the last 10 years, I have baled her out to the tune of well over $10,000. I wont be doing it ever again. She only ever used to ring me up to ask for money.
I recently”outed” her lies to her most recent employer, who sacked her the same week. Now her husband is furious with me, for outing her, as he now has even less cahnce of getting any child support from her. {he has had FT care of all 3 children, now 16, 13, and 10, for the last 4 years.} So Im now the Mother from hell, for outing her lies!And you know what? Im GLAD i did, the worm finally turned!! Im NOT sorry I did it.
Good luck, dear Duped, your life can only get better and better! We are on the winning side! The angels are on OUR side!! Much Love,
Mama GemXXX{{{HUGGSS!!}}}
I check here on the blog every so often and I am amazed by all of the sheer strength, compassion and victimization I am seeing and it overwhelms me. Completely.
Mama Gem: xxoo If you keep believing in yourself, you will be fine. Don’t let others under your skin. Stand tall and be your own person. 🙂 Don’t be afraid to stand up for that which is right, honest and just and never let anyone try convincing you of who and what you are. YOU are the only one that knows that! You and The Creator, that is.
Sometimes we are “BLESSED” with loved ones that we can’t particularily ‘revere’ but we must care for them anyways because they are our blood. But you see, SPATHS, they absorb that loyalty and committment and suck you dry until there is nothing left. I NEVER give that much of myself. Not anymore. I made an exception the past 9 years, for my spath and trust me: DUPED’S EYES are open now and there is no going back to that nightmare and I am trying to bring as many of you WITH ME as I possibly can; the same way Donna is trying to do. 🙂 I am so proud of her and her strength! It’s like she reached out and grabbed my hand and is leading me through the darkness just by her strength to come forward and speak up and share her story! WHAT A BLESSING we all have found~!!!!!!
We all have come through some pretty horrid experiences and it isn’t easy making sense out of it. Especially when there has been so much confusion and drama and damage to our psyches. We must struggle to raise the level of our consciousness and reach for a greater understanding if we are going to successfully reach our goal of being over our experiences. We have each other to support and understand. But we must be completely honest with ourselves: we have been “HAD”. Ouch. Yes, that hurts BUT it could hurt even more if we throw our lives completely away on someone who has NO CONCEPTION of virtue, dignity, honor, loyalty. Those things are not understood by the spath.
This many of us can’t be wrong.
I like what you said Mama Gem: “Storm in a teacup”. 🙂
((((MyHeart)))) I completely understand you. It is a very upsetting experience. It is difficult to come to the understanding that your once ‘best friend’ could betray us the way they have. We were ‘duped’ into a relationship that was built upon deceptions. You WILL come through this even though it is so difficult, right now. I know, firsthand, how difficult it truly can be. Just set your sights on yourself and what you choose and do not choose. Like their choices are theirs, sick or not, so are our’s. It is a matter of what we accept and/or do not accept. I have been in counseling the past four years. In depth, deep, counseling. Do not be afraid to ask for assistance in this way. Counseling is very very good and for those of us suffering from PTSD, it is essential. Not all counselors are familiar with treatment for PTSD so choose wisely.
It took me a long time to find a therapist that completely understood me and where I was coming from and I have found much relief and direction from their guidance. And, even though with my prior awareness of this condition and with the understanding I had, it was difficult for me. So, I know it must be difficult for the completely unaware.
It is like losing a loved one to death almost. Remember that once you end it with the spath, you will come through a grieving process just like if it were a death of a loved one. It’s alright: go ahead, cry; get angry; break their stuff; lock them out…do NOT take them back. If you need help keeping them away, reach out to your local authorities and explain the situation to them. Ask for protection; take measures to insure your safety, no matter what it takes.
The devil himself has knocked on our doors and it is up to us to either open that door and let him continue to keep coming back or slam that door and never open it again!
We also have choice.
We stop being the ‘victim’ the moment we realize we are being MADE a victim. 😉
We can only let them IMPOSE this upon us if we ALLOW it.
I allowed it for the past five years and I am allowing it no further. Period.
Good luck to everyone. I am starting to come out of my ‘blindness’ now and realizing that there really isn’t anything we can do to ‘love’ them out of their condition.
There just isn’t. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and for them is to just let go.
I let go with a resounding and echoing SLAM OF MY DOOR, literally, after speaking my mind and although I deeply care for him and probably always will, I have not one regret in slamming that door because I know it is essential and necessary to my well being.
Love and prayers to you all….
May the Angels guide your footsteps and take you to light and goodness; the goodness you all seek and deserve.
Blessings,
DUPED
Dear Ox:
🙂 Yep, ‘tough old bird’ is being very courteous; don’t you think? hehehehehe xxoo
Oh yah, ‘tough’ isn’t the word MOST PEOPLE would use.
Blessings to you Ox…
We are in the same boat.
DUPED
I’m compelled to write because finding this website has really put some lingering questions in my mind to rest. I don’t need to tell anyone here what a relief that is.
I was in a four year relationship with a man I realized when I left I didn’t know a thing about him. In fact, I knew less than when we were first dating. All the red flags were there, I just got really good navigating around them. I learned that when you get that feeling in your gut like something just isn’t right, LISTEN to it! He was a seven layer mess of mental illness and personality disorders, but what a chameleon he had become in his 40’s. All in all, it boiled down to he was adopted as an infant by the brother (and his wife) of his birth mother. The birth mother was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic, with two older children diagnosed bipolar. So that meant he was biologically predisposed to genetic mental illness, and since the adoption was precipitated by neglect by the birth mother, most certainly he had attachment disorder. It really didn’t matter what came after that, it was enough. So I now know that when meeting new people, backgrounds are critical to know. If someone is reluctant to talk about family or to have you join in a family event or even meet family members, this is a sign of a serious underlying problem. I had just played it off like it wasn’t my business if he didn’t want me to meet them. I will never be so cavalier again about something so important!
The most important thing I have come to realize is I was more of a party to what happened to me than I wanted to admit when I left him, but as a victim of his projection I now understand what was done to me and how. I don’t think you can ever learn to “spot” them because they’ve learned to fool a lot of people well before they got to you, but you CAN keep proper boundaries with someone until you are comfortable enough with their family and friend relationships. I never had to think about boundaries because I never had anything to hide, but now I know that is the only way to protect your most valuable asset – you!
Dear Yviemarie8,
Welcome to LovefRaud and your comments are very well made.
Glad that you no longer feel alone…and knowing that you are not alone and that there are people who have had similar experiences and know what hell it can be to be involved with someone who is disordered and/or mentally ill as well. Many psychopaths are also bi-polar, and/or ADHD etc. so just because someone has one problem doesn’t mean he can’t have more.
Thank you for your comments! Welcome!
Bravo yviemarie8!!!
Welcome to the ‘other side’. Happy you made it here and we welcome you with nothing but open arms, My Dear.
Feel free to express yourself here.
I think this blog is a blessing to all of us who have been searching for the ‘answers’ to something there is no answer to other than our looking out for ourselves.
I have briefly shared my story with all of you but I have not gone into any great length or detail because of the fact that we are not out of the woods yet, in a legal sort of way but if I were to let you in on the parts I have left out, you all would see a side to all of this that would completely blow you away. Completely.
Someone asked me, once, a counselor, to describe to them, what the past five years has been like. I thought about it for a short amount of time before I responded with this:
“It has been like watching someone dig a 8 foot hole in the damp, dark, ground, just big enough around to grab you by the hands and lower you down into that hole. The only room you have down there is just enough room to stand in one position. No water; no movement; no sunshine; no food. And you are left there for months at a time seeing no one but hearing your captors voice, occassionally; smelling the food cooking around you but you are so starving and none is ever offered to you.
You are taunted every day. Your captor comes and sits and eats on the edge of your hole so you can see and smell the food and water but he devours it in front of you and walks away laughing and mocking you.”
THAT is as close as I could get to describing what the experience was like FOR FIVE YEARS. For five years I allowed myself to be treated this way. Not anymore.
They always say WE are the fortunate ones to escape with our lives. I would prefer to think that perhaps it is THEM who are the fortunate ones to escape when we are on to them, finally. 🙂
Sever the ties and do not go back.
Remember: you are not coming through this hell of a process just to start over sometime further down the road.
Stick to your guns; move on; lay it down…
My prayers and best of wishes are with you yviemarie8…
stay with us – xxoo
DUPED
Dear Duped,
Yea, I’ve been called worse than “tough old bird”—but I”m still kicking up my heels and I’m on the green side of the grass, and still smiling. (((hugs)))
🙂 YOU ROCK OX!
Well, I am where the grass is all burned up and dry but somehow I smell the rainstorm coming. ahhhhh!
The smell of fresh grass and rain! 😉
Sleep well Dear Ox.
DUPED