If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Thanks Ox, and duped.
If somebody ask me what was like those almost 4 years of my life with spath. It was like putting my brain through a blender, I would rub me head, because rules of pleasing spath changed everyday. Everytime I would think I know what will make him happy, he would change the rule on me, so I kept chasing his happiness, while losing mine. Pretty soon my happiness didn’t matter, because what makes me happy decided by him as well……
I am glad I found this site. My divorce just got finalized two weeks ago, this change in event has again forced me through the spin cycle. I know I will come out of it, but my greiving has restarted…
Dear My heart,
I’m glad your divorce is finalized at least, that should get some weight off your back at least, but it can also trigger old emotions that you still need to deal with.
It takes TIME…I wish I could tell you one month, two months, or two years, but each of us does our grieving for the “loss” in a different scale of “time” and it isn’t just about days and weeks or months or years…it is OUR TIME, so don’t rush yourself, just deal with “peeling the onion” one layer at a time.
Keep on reading the older archived articles…this whole things starts out about learning about them, but ends up learning about ourselves. Healing ourselves. Keeping ourselves from ever again being vulnerable to another psychopath. (((hugs))) Keep on trucking! There IS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!
I would like to address an issue that was raised by farwronged:
Saturday, April 16, 2011, 9:47:03 AM | farwronged
Still, I am having trouble understanding the string of ex’s that pop back up. ALL his women I mean all were all old faces. It’s like he kept them on standby. When one fails call up an old one. It was like a cycle. Just as I am sure months maybe even a year from now he may even stop harassing and call me with the ’get back’ talk. Maybe he thinks I will have gotten over this, he can remind me of the good times and I will miss him. Hardly any of these women are new, can anyone explain that?
Candy’s advice was dead on when she said:
Far ”“ You are getting there ”“ very quickly. Here’s how it goes”..spaths usually have a few gf or bf ’supply’ cos they cannot ever be without ’someone’. So they usually have one or two on ’standy’.
These are usually old flames. Because they have no conscience they pop up like nothing has ever happened. Even after all of the crap they have served up!
Then it’s ’sorry, didn’t mean it, I won’t do it again, tears, pity ploy’ blah, blah. And for some reason (probably because we are essentially good, caring people) we give them another go, setting conditions which spath readily agrees to (because he knows this is what it will take) but spath has NO intention of abiding by the new rules.
So”.this works for a while but soon spath is up to his old tricks. So we boot them out and off they go to the next victim. Hence the cycle.
They are just after the next hit. That may be money, sex, place to stay etc.
He will not change ”..NEVER. He can’t cos his head is wired differently, a sort of short circuit. He will never be normal.
You’re doing very well and have come a long way in such short time.
———————————–
Yes, I have encountered the same things with my spath.
An array of older, lonely, women who are in his “army”; all in the same boat as myself. Imagine that. From time to time they would call me and get up in my face with their harrassment and it was always HIM spurring it because he found it amusing. It was a way to upset all the others and ‘keep them in line’ and ‘hooked’ through their own jealousy. You see?
Unfortunately, sometimes these harrassments become dangerous and leave you on the line. It is all the things you DO NOT hear that should make you aware. Be very aware. You have not a CLUE who these people are and do not get caught up in the snare. It’s all a part of the game.
Have to keep that stable full, you know! You never know when a friendship may come in handy for one thing another, you know….a STRING; a STABLE and yes, they are always older women or women most vulnerable because they are the easiest to push around. Don’t you get it?
It’s all about the control. Candy was right on in the things she said. My spath is in his late 40’s and almost all of his ‘women’ are 50+ (just go figure). The older the better…..And, he met every single one of us ONLINE. Romanced and plotted…spaths don’t have a conscious for the things they do. They could care less what havoc they wreck on YOUR LIFE and WORLD as long as THEIRS is comfy and full of chaos and drama.
They won’t change. Cut your losses; batten down the hatches and hopefully you won’t have any storms to ride out. If not, consider yourself fortunate and RUN as quickly and as fast as you can to get away from this vileness in your world before you become just like it.
He uses sex with older women to get his way with them.
He draws them into his web and always has a good story.
By the way, if anyone is getting repeated harrassment by text messages popping up; unwanted, unsolicited, text messages from those ‘others’ attached to the ‘roadshow’, just know that there IS a setting in your messenger where you can mark it and request NO MSGS FROM ANYONE NOT ON MY CONTACT LIST. This at least works for yahoo mail and messenger. The others I am not aware of but it should be easy to find and locate on your software.
For YEARS I was getting text msgs from people I did not know but were connected to this roadshow. It isn’t enough just to decline and block these requests because then the spath knows you are alive and well and I searched and searched and searched for a way to NOT receive any texts that were not welcomed.
At times, over the years, when we would have a falling out, and I would block him, he would change his online identity and attempt to contact me or get information about me.
THAT is over for me now because now NOBODY can openly text me any more. HALLELUJAH! 🙂
Yes, it goes very deep, just like a rabbit hole.
The stories I could share with all of you would make your hair stand on end; trust me. Perhaps sometime I will have the opportunity to share it completely with you. After the legal issues are squared away.
Oh yes, we all KNOW what we have been through and it’s time to jump in the shower and wash all that crap off ourselves now; pick ourselves up; dust ourselves off and get on with what we have in our lives.
These kinds of people are not worth the time nor effort.
Unfortunately, for me, I didn’t find this out until five years later. Much to the detriment of my emotional and physical health.
Blessings.
DUPED
Dearest ((((MyHeart)))):
Big hugs to you this day. 🙂
I hope you will read everything on this site.
You aren’t alone. You never have been.
Those of us who have come through this experience were strong in the first place for continuing to maintain their caring and kindness to this spath in the face of adversity. You owe him nothing further. Not even your thoughts.
Yes, the grieving is difficult BUT the living with all that uncertainty and upset and uphevil in our worlds is not fair to us. We should not have to LIVE their illness. My spath does not care he is a sick person. He makes no attempt to correct his issues; saying “I know I am ill but what am I suppose to do now, at this age? It’s not like I am ever going to change now…”
ESPECIALLY IF YOU DONT TRY YOU IDIOT BOX!
So, no; do not feel remorse nor sadness for them.
Grieve for what you have lost but remember: you were their trick for a while. Their obsession for when they are with YOU but that is the way it is with all the others on his list, as well.
NO CONTACT RULE PEOPLE is the best way to go.
Make yourself strong inside because you are going to need it.
I am here for you ((((MyHeart)))) You are going to be alright if you allow yourself to. He isn’t controlling you anymore. It is over. NOW: just be safe.
Sounds as if you have a little PTSD going on, myheart; hope you can find a counselor who knows how to deal with it WITH YOU. Find one, myheart, together with counseling and this website/blog, you will find the answers you are looking for to get your life back. 🙂 YOU ARE NOT ALONE. xxoo
Make a committment with yourself that you are not going to allow him to even enter that ‘grieving’ spot; that spot where your memories are being cruel to you and torturing you about all the ‘good moments’ – they were artificial, myheart, just like the relationship. I have lived and learned.
I am sorry that you have to go through this right now, at this time in your life. Thank the Angels we still HAVE a life; right? It could have been different for all of us.
I am just happy to be alive and breathing! 🙂
Love & prayers,
DUPED
WEB OF MASS DECEPTION.
Isn’t that an excellent term?
Just thought I would share that with you.
Think about it.
DUPED
My heart,
you are right, they cause cancer.
Death feels like an escape. I know that I wished for death for the last few years before I left him. Each morning, I would wake and curse that I hadn’t died in my sleep. I didn’t even feel good enough to take the action to kill myself. I felt like EVERYTHING was out of my hands. I felt so helpless.
Thank God that he pushed the envelope because of his impatience with me, he really couldn’t believe that I didn’t off myself, like his ex-gf had and he was trying to implement plan B. It woke me up when he turned up the heat and I began to figure out what he was.
The reason spaths can get away with so much is because we don’t understand what they are and how they do what they do. Knowledge is power, once you “get” what they are, you will recognize them everywhere, but you will no longer fear them. They are just infants.
Yes, skylar, I completely agree with you.
They ARE a cancer. And that may sound really harsh and crude to be saying about another ‘human being’ but spaths don’t associate like we do because they have not the capacity so to speak of them is an issue of self preservation instead of ‘bad mouthing’ and we all know this premise is true.
Right; the reason they get away with so much is because we LET THEM through our ignorance and lack of understanding of their ‘illness’ and that is exactly what it is.
(((Dear Skylar))))) I know of the dungeon of which you speak. I am sorry but we have had our eyes opened now and we have a whole new set of rules to live by; right?
I wake up every morning and THANK THE HEAVENS for the peace and quiet, amidst the threats and deviance. Just to wake up and realize that NOW I understand completely has given my life something to start over with.
I wish him no ill well; I will always pray for him but I am moving along now.
Blessings to all
DUPED
Yep, we let them, but no more. IF and I say IF I ever have contact with mine for whatever reason, I am going to f with his head just like he did mine. It will be fun!
I also pray for him all the time, I really do.
Dear Duped,
I hear some great wisdom and some strong heart beating behind your posts! Thank you!
Yep, some of the con people, the WEB OF MASS DECEPTION (I LIKE THAT!!!) find a specific niche of people (older, lonely women) who can be conned for money etc. who make a particularly vulnerable group of people to exploit.
Internet dating and meeting is a great place to find such victims and to “pre vet” them to see that they ARE vulnerable.
I know for sure after my husband died, I was vulnerable to exploitation by a psychopathic guy looking for a “respectable” wife…fortunately he didn’t take me for any money and he wasn’t as adept at the con as these guys are so I caught on before I married him.
Skylar
I haven’t met you, I have no idea what you look like, and yet I am SO GRATEFUL for you.
In reading about how you wanted to die – I was there too. I thought about offing myself, isn’t that crazy? And it was all because of him. I can’t even articulate WHY I felt that way any more.
I’m glad you survived. I’m glad I survived. I listen to that song you recommended to me every single day, that song “Thank you”. I am SO GRATEFUL for discovering the truth.
Superkid