If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
DUPED_IN_SOCAL
I would like to add my sincere thanks to Donna and the work she does on LF. It’s been a life saver to me and all of us who visit this wonderful site.
We did not deserve the punishment spath dished out. We were used and discarded through no fault of our own. All we did was show kindness and compassion and it was not returned, but scorned, and we were left humiliated.
Sexual abuse appears to be a ’factor’ in many people’s stories here. How sad that is. I did not experience abuse so I am not ’qualified’ (if that is an appropriate term to use) to comment on such horrors. My spath said he was abused but reading between the lines I now know that HE was the abuser of his children. It sickens me.
I think that my spath had a ’bad’ childhood and yes, he hated his mother. So maybe they do want some kind of warped ’payback’ against all females as a result.
I was only in the relationshit for a year ”“ one year too many!!
’I was a single mother of four really great kids!’ Well done to you for hanging in there inspite of everything.
.
Spath certainly controlled my thoughts, funny, but the ’kids’ saw right through him (I was in denial) It was the kids who finally helped me to kick him out.
You seem to be a well educated, responsible, caring person who has been dealt a seething blow from your spath.
Live your life as best you can. The doctors are not always right! When I was in an horrific car accident in my teens (cardiac arrest x2 fractured most of the bones in my body) the doctors told me that I would never be able to nurse, or have kids and that I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 50.
Well HELL’S BELLS did they get it wrong. It’s been a struggle but I’m hanging in there and you can too. I have come to the conclusion that thinking positive gives us an edge when it comes to illness.
Take care of YOUïŠ
candy:
That’s an important point you made about spath’s disliking women in general. That was definitely mine. He does not get a long with his mum in England; I don’t think he barely ever talks to her. Anytime he talked about women around me, they were all useless. Whether it was his Administrative Assistant or his female peers at work, there was something wrong with everyone…they were stupid, they were fat…always something. BUT…I rarely heard him say anything bad about the men in his life. Only women. As a matter of fact and this is sad, he even talked badly of his 11 year old daughter saying she was just like her mother! Never said anything bad about his son. Just writing this is making me realize a lot.
eb92044 – I think that he wanted to put me (and other women) on a pedestal just so he could knock them off when it suited him.
‘he even talked badly of his 11 year old daughter saying she was just like her mother’ yep, ditto here.
candy:
Wow! So many similarities! Good point about building women up only to knock them down.
Yeah, who talks about their own kids that way? Sick.
Hmmm, a week ago the ex-friend-with-benefits friend requested me on facebook, and twice he tried to chat with me… today, the second time, I was on and chatted with him but having my radar on.
Here’s the short history: we once had a one-night stand in my decade long singlehood while I was dealing with commitment fear. After the first night I did wonder whether I could be interested in him, but since he didn’t really call me, I forgot about him, until he showed up at my door again at night. Over the course of 2 years, this would occur once in a while. I didn’t mind it, cause it suited me well at the time.
I didn’t know much about him, except that he was a salesman (and he had odd hours, could sleep out, etc). He was glib and smooth enough to fit a salesman profile. And at some point he tried to get a degree in selling houses but eventually quit the 2nd year. I never been to his place, never really wanted to either. And we met up only 3 times outside my house to just have a pool or go to the pub.
I knew that not long after he met me he fell in love (according to him) with a woman, but it broke off after she traveled to Asia for a couple of months. He stopped visiting me when he and her got back together.
I accidentally met her one a party once and in the bathroom she asked me whether I was [my name] and whether I knew [his name]. I had no reason for myself to hide the fact, and said yes. And then she instantly warned me against him for being a pathological liar. I thanked her for telling me, but told her I hadn’t seen him for over a year and there never had been much interest from either of us to get involved emotionally. That’s about 3 years ago, I think.
She moved on with a guy, who’s a legend when it comes to partying. While he’s a mate of mine, he’s a disaster to be around intimately: coke use, night life until the wee hours at any given time in the week, can be a pestering devil to cops and strangers to cause a fight, but very protective and loyal over people he considers to be his friends, will try to honor his promises (even if drunk and fell from the stairs), have huge mood swings especially with regards to the state of his relationship (sobbing in the pub and drunk if he feels like losing the person), no cons or money issues though…
Anyway, she jumped from the supposed pathological liar to the disordered guy who can’t get his life together (and he has voluntarily gone into therapy when he was alone).
Anyway, back to the ex-friend with benefits. So, I have my reserves about him, and I basically don’t know the guy. But I did accept his friend request and curious what this was about. And today I chatted with him. He wanted to reconnect and know how I was doing. I weighed the cons and pros of telling him about the broken relationship or not, and opted to tell him to see what his response was. He immediately said he had been through something similar. He was happy now, but the relationship with the woman (who warned me against him 3 years ago) was no better really. Wasn’t sure whether it was bait or true, so I kinda talked around it. I asked whether she was still with the disordered guy, but he had no idea… it was already long in the past for him. Then he started to make “jokes”, but they were blatant innuendoes: I shouldn’t be so great a performer in bed. “Joked” back I was not going to tell on intimate matters, and then said… “that time is over for me, no more casual sex.” He wanted to know why, and I just said that it can create a feeling of a bond even if it’s not mutual. Gave him the chemical explanation about it, and how that people like my ex have a brain where it doesn’t catch, and so they can sleep around without feeling they’re betraying their own feelings. He referred back to recognizing that in his ex. “I was not alone.” I responded matter of factly, “nope, there’s 1/25 psychos out there, with the majority not murdering, but out to ruin the lives of good people.” He answered with a cryptic “Me too probably.” Did he refer to himself as a victim then or as an abuser? No idea. Then he changed the subject and mentioned he was looking at my waterfall pic, and where was it taken.
It’s a picture in my bikini at a waterfall, and I’m sitting with my eyes closed, leaning back on my arms, and leaning my head back, enjoying the sunrays that fell through the jungle canope onto my face. One of the better photographers of hte travel group was so lucky to eternalize that moment. It was a chance pic, but a wet dream pic that could go in Playboy mag I guess.
So he was letting me know he was wathching that pic and then said, “Don’t let that guy get you down. You’re worth so much more. And I speak of experience!”
Thanked him and assured him I was well aware of being worth much more than the crap P pulled on me.
He urged me to look at myself in the mirror. I was a beautiful and sincere woman for him, who deserved much more than a parasite, and I could get more handsome, funnier and more honest man than my ex. And he wanted my phone number again, cause he lost his previous cell phone. I joked that P had been
handsome enough, but turned out to be nothing more than that. And he argued he was better looking than
P, and taller. I kept replying tongue in cheek, warding off any convo about himself. He then wondered whether I was still in love the P. Told him no, but he didn’t believe me. Then I explained I just recognized for myself why I had chosen him originally, even though it turned out to be an illusion.
He wanted to know why, but I was not gonna tell him outright why. Instead I just said, “because he mirrorred what I want and need from a partner to hook me, and the wants and needs by themselves are not unhealthy.”
He referred back to the waterfall pic and admit I was worht more than what the P gave me. And I agreed that I was worth more than the real man behind the mask; that I was internalizing that recognition in behaviour towards others in general; that I removed some of my acquaintances of my acquaintance list the past weekend because of the behaviours I saw in them towards others and myself. “No more losers who give excuses and sob stories to justify their ill behaviour towards their partners. I have no more sympathy for them.”
That’s when he asked whether I was talking about him.
I asked very innocently: “Why should this refer to you at all?”
“Because I feel like I behaved like a loser to you, back in the days.”
I said, “I was differently focused then, had other priorities, didn’t want to bond and besides I don’t really know you.”
He then tried to make me admit that we had loads of fun at least.
I admitted it had been fun and I had no regrets; neither of us wanted more out of it than there was, and so no hard feelings.
And then he went offline.
I’m not sure, but I have an unsettling gut feeling about him. I didn’t like how he kept going on about looks. I didn’t like how he tried to give the conversation a sexual note. He seemed empathic, but
that was pretty easy to do, and yet he jumped to erronous conclusions. Nor can it be realistically expected I’m ready for getting over the past relationship within a month. He was trying to be charming and giving compliments, but again… it doesn’t mean anything: he knows maybe more of myself than I of him, but not that much. And I just didn’t like the sexual overtone of him towards me.
What is your opinion?
One more thing before I hit the hay.
Mine openly flirted infront of me. I thought he was just being friendly with other women. It was not until I came to this site that I realised he was actually love-bombing them!!
He would go off chatting to someone leaving me on my own! Looking back there were soooooo many of these episodes. It did not occur to me exactly what he was doing because I believed he loved me (puke). Well boy oh boy do I know differently now. He was love-bombing these women right under my nose.
There’s no ‘fool’ like a spath’s woman (or man).
darwinsmom:
Sorry, that guy was out just for one thing. I have been there. Believe me and trust me when I say if he was driving the conversation in the direction at all sexually like he kept referring to your beautiful, sexy photo, it is purely sexual. That is all they are interested in. Sorry, I know if I heard this from someone I would be hurt and letdown as I am a very sensitive person and I do NOT mean to do that. I just want to help and I could see right through what he was doing.
I’m not sure if they hate women more than they hate men. I do know that they hate their mothers with a passion and that they project that hate toward all women.
So although my exspath caused his exGF to kill herself, and I believe he sabotaged another woman’s plane so she died, I’m pretty sure he had as many, if not more male victims, that he killed by sabotage accidents and one that he left impoverished by burning down his building. The guy, Art, was clueless and remained his friend, but he was old and on public assistance last I saw of Art.
My spath told me many times, “I HATE ALL HUMANITY”.
I think that is the actual truth.
His talking down on women in front of you, I believe, is just another way to seed hatred toward men IN YOU. Spaths will use misogynist and racist comments to create hate. It’s not enough for them to hate us, they want us to hate each other. They don’t just triangulate individuals, but also entire races, sexes, classes etc..
What better way to seed hatred toward a group of people than to become one of that group and then behave shamelessly and hatefully?
This is a common tactic that governments use to create hatred toward certain groups. During protests, the opposing party or the police have been known to insert imposters into the protest groups and then these imposters begin the violence, attacking the police so that the police can have an excuse to disperse the peaceful protesters. It has been video taped, where the seeded imposters begin the violence and then run back through the police lines where they are protected and then the police attack the crowd.
Spaths do exactly this stuff all the time. I saw my spath doing it, behaving as a male chauevenist or a racist or a homophobe. Then he would revert to a nice guy, animal loving liberal. There is no real anything from a spath, tho only solution is no drama.
Candy… yeah, I recognize that too… he’d “flirt” with a woman who’d be gazing with dreamy eyes at him, and then he’d introduce me to them with his arm around me, and they’d be all disappointed. And I even liked it?! (why?????) Felt it was as if he was making clear to women he picked me. I shake my head at it now.
eb, no worries… that is what I think of it as well. Before the P I would have been disappointed as well, needing guys to want to choose to be with me as some type of validation. I don’t have that need anymore, not since I received P’s message that he met someone else and I thought “Heck, this is wrong… I deserve much better than that.” It’s like someone boinked my head and made me see reason all of a sudden. I used to think I deserved better, but was unsure whether any men would agree with that. Now, I don’t need men’s interests to validate this for me anymore. If I’m ready for a man again, it’s because I will be ready for it and because he’s someone who deserves my intimacy and trust… not because I need validation anymore.
So, no, it doesn’t hurt me to know that he probably noticed on fb I was single again, and thought, “Hey, let’s go visit her again for sex.” I’m not ready for anyone. And I don’t want casual sex either to please my ego. My ego doesn’t need that kind of pleasing anymore.
skylar:
Absolutely unbelievable! They are not human. So your spath’s ex GF killed herself? How sad is that? And sabotaged another woman’s plane????
Thanks for the info about the governments and the protesting. I had no clue that happened, but now it makes sense.
I saw my spath doing these things also, but just did not realize it at the time. You have TOTALLY opened my eyes!!! Looking back, he would say, “I’m not homophobic, but…” Never said anything racist thank goodness.