If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Oxy, was not me that wrote ‘wallowing in self pity’ but Charlotte.
I have always felt that what we do here, apart from sharing with and educating one another, is akin to telling your nightmares to the morning sun. Thank you for giving us a safe place to do that. J.
TY Rosa,
So much better put than I would have … if given about three days solitude to REALLY come up with a response to charloteecreamer, I’m sure that I, TOO, could pull apart that flimsy argument.
SOCIOPATHS are NOT people too – I do not care what charlotte thinks – she/.or he/ needs a different site: One that works WITH the psycho-socio’s to help them BECOME better people. Her time might be better invested there than here…IMO
Thank You OxDrover & Jewels.
OxDrover
lol clang clang!! I’m only just reading the whole gyst of this post now and it’s very interesting the whole addiction thing and how we were co creators in our own downfall. It’s good news because we also hold the power to accept partial responsibility and not further give our power away to what Charlotte Creamer called:
some alien creature from the black lagoon but a human whose pain is buried down so deep, he’s almost lost conscious touch with it
Charlotte Creamer
Wow I really found all you say very spot on in many ways. You say:
Warning others about “sociopaths” is like warning teen-agers about the dangers of doing drugs. It will fall on deaf ears. We were all warned about our “sociopaths”, either by others or by our own internal warning systems, but we still pitched headlong into the rush. And what a rush it was. And what a crash afterwards.
I take full responsibility for falling headlong into the rush. I am questioning the whole addictive side of myself now and I think what you say is a breath of fresh air! you know I have even dipped a toe into what might be forgivness and feeling a waft of release from pain
you say:
Just as I had a choice to stay or leave, I now have a choice to hate or forgive. It’s a choice, not necessarily a feeling. Choosing to forgive doesn’t mean letting this person back into my life; that will never happen. Choosing to forgive means remembering what happened, learning from it for future reference, and letting go. Not talking about it. Not thinking about it. Not dwelling on it. Again, it’s a choice, one that is made once, and then re-made as often as necessary.
I only talk and think about it because I enjoy it….I hate the P and what he did to me, so to express that openly is a joy…the one bit of pleasure I have left… Not talking about it. Not thinking about it. Not dwelling on it. Again, it’s a choice, and when I am ready to “give it to God” I will, but for now I love nothing more than to express my contempt for his evil along with my buddies here on lovefraud!!
They are human you say? I hope you are right, because if you are wrong…what goes around will come around again!
Dear Jennifer1011-
You hit the nail on the head!!! Your views sum it up so perfectly.
“It is the sound of their limitless rage, the sound of their demand for every desire and whim to be met instantly, the sound of their frustration when they are inconvenienced in any way, the sound of every soul they have shattered, every human being they have wounded and crushed, and the foreshadowing of all they will hear in their afterlife; in purgatory.”
This particular part brought back two instant memories from the SP…..1st (after he felt he had hooked me) he told me to NEVER say no to him. The other side to that was that he could tell me no any time he wanted. Whether it be if I wanted to see him, do something with him or whatever. That was the rule….he MADE the rules and he was very serious when he told me to “NEVER tell me NO”.
2nd – after our break up, when his gig was up, he spent a few vague attempts at getting me to buy into it again. He asked me to meet him and immediately wanted to have sex. And I wanted to so badly because the physical relationship was unbelievable (true to most SPs). But when I said no and explained I was afraid that he would do the same thing to me again, he was done. All of the sudden he had to go. It proved to me that he was there for one thing and one thing only.
It’s so hard to move past these feelings. I did give him all the love I had. And when I realized there was a problem, I offered my complete support. I believed in him and wanted to help him. But he continued to step on me like I was dirt…with his Jekyll and Hyde attitude. Was it my fault for continuing to make those choices….yes. But he had choices too and he didn’t even try. So to hell with his hurt or his pain. He deserves EVERYTHING he gets and more! Not just because of me but because of everything he does to everyone after me and also those before me. Bc now I realize, it wasn’t those women…..the way he said it was. It was him….CRAZY ass him!
So thanks for that great explanation Jennifer! And now everytime I hear that song, I will smile!
Hi everyone. Haven’t been here in awhile. Jekyl and Hyde, intense stares (especially when lieing, since they know that looking away signifies lieing), and telling you what you want to hear are all traits of the s I dealt with. He actually even stated many times that he “tells people what they want to hear”. Basically, anything that helps them no matter how disrespectful, deceitful or manipulative it is to others are traits I remember. But at the same time, he was likable and many people enjoyed his company, without even realizing he had stolen from them, or didn’t care for them. As for self pity- actually that may be how he felt but he was smart enough to make statements indicating he was at fault when that was necessary to manipulate. He knew that self pity is not a trait others admire, so he did not show that, he just instilled it through portraying being an addict as being a victim and an excuse for his behavior- and many many people fell for that trick. Including myself. I think he just liked himself and didn’t care that he hurt others, but he would say he hated himself sometimes because that was an instant way to get others feeling sympathy for him. The texting/ calling, constant attention only happened during the honeymoon phase, and after he had his hooks in, NOT calling, reliably became a way to hurt others, and he would do this on purpose specifically to hurt someone who was waiting for him- not just me but his male friends who were obsessed with him, and wanted to be like him. He felt no conscience about standing others up and sometimes went out of his way to tell others he would show up/call or whatever just to get enjoyment out of standing them up. His ability to do this is probably related to his intense charm and his knowledge that his victims wanted and enjoyed his prescence. FRANK LEE SPEAKING- Your comment has a long list of very specific traits which apply to your ex but are not traits of the person I knew. I guess we all have different perspectives and experiences. There are many traits to consider and we can notice if there are patterns or not with our experiences. My understanding of what a true sociopath is only contains certaing traits. I think it was O’Hare, was that the name of the psychologist who wrote the book on sociopaths? My ex followed all of his traits listed to a tee and intensely. I was wondering if you were just pointing out some of the additional personality traits a woman you feel is sociopathic had? That is definitely a good way for others on this forum to note traits that are similar for comparison so that we can help eachother learn about what has hurt us and common elements. Also, I wanted to address something Charlotte Creamer stated about self pity. I think it important to validate the violence that some people have experienced at the hands of others. Each of us has had different experiences with different individuals. Some of what people have suffered at the hands of others is life altering, and takes many years to deal with emotionally before being able to ‘move on’. “Self-pity” is a phrase which tends to put a halt to healing fully and places blame on a victim. It is so difficult to acknowlege the intensity of pain someone is feeling and easier to call them in “self pity” so that we don’t have to deal with something so difficult. All of us will move on and continue on with our lives, but it is so helpful to have a group of people who acknowlege the existence of evil in this world. Yes, there are many people who do ugly things (most of us from time to time on some level) based on our hurting inside, but sociopaths are really a different breed. It is close to impossible to fully understand this unless you have had a unfortunate run in with this kind of true evil- a true sociopath does not have a stamp on their forhead warning us to leave them right away. Quite to the contrary. And picking up the pieces and dealing with them fully after the disaster is not self pity, it is admirable and strong. But that is just my opinion. That said, I agree with Jennifer 1011, and also am similar to Charlotte Creamer in that I did not leave right away, and I did have at least my family telling me to leave him after I had been in the relationship awhile. I also did not leave until my sould was disasterously wounded. If we are kind, vulnerable, have missing pieces in ourselves, and are helpers and fixers, maybe sociopathic and other predatory personalities see us as perfect victims. Exactly what he wanted. He was in many ways more intelligent than I was- in that he KNEW evil exists, whereas before my relationship with him I naively believed all those who are aggressive are just hurting inside and need help. He was definitely more fun to be around than most people are and without question more attractive. Not just my opinion, many people- were attracted to him. The only thing I have that he doesn’t is my kindness and my conscience. And now I have a great lesson I learned because of him. Since it came close to killing me, but didn’t, I am on my way to being stronger than ever. And now know the hardest lesson that I think anyone can ever be forced to realize. That there is such a thing as people who get pleasure out of hurting others- even others who are kind and gentle souls and there is such a thing as pure evil.
I was not offended in any way by Charlottes post.
I welcome differing opinions.
I read her post and walked away with a sense that THIS is a person who has CHOSEN to move on and did so in a way that benefitted her.
On some level I agree with what Charlotte shared (her view about Sociopaths being people too) …albeit unhealthy, toxic and evil.
As unpopular as Charlottes post may be, there was nothing in it offensive. It is her view and she is welcome to share it here.
And Rosa…I believe for some toxic unhealthy N/S/P’s they have become comfortably numb. “Hurting” and “Pain” has been numbed.
Wow. My ex had about everyone of these charactheristics. I have learned to be wary of people who exhibit excessive charm. I think that is one of the number one big red flags.
There is NO EXCUSE to be made for N/S/P’s..
Some people deal with recovery/healing by all out WAR against them…others deal with recovery/healing by daring to allow themselves to forgive them (for personal growth) and never look back.
Its the capacity and choice of each and everyone of us to find our own direction and belief with the ultimate goal of protecting ourselves and being able to move on and live and experience life to the fullest healthiest extent possible.
What works for one of us (believing or referring to books) and for another one of us it may be (learning from anothers experience or referring to the bible) or for someone else it may be (purely personal belief and self-education)… nothing wrong with that, right? As long as we have put an end to the toxic relationship and moved on.
We can agree to disagree on how or why they do what they do on every different level and degree they do it. I feel there is some truth in bits and pieces from all of our posts that collectively describe who and what they are. We need to educate everyone and anyone who will listen…
what the red flags are
what self awareness is
what the tools are to deal with them
they cannot be changed – unless they want to – and even then its uncharted territory for all involved.
I never said anyone’s post was offensive.
However, certain statements in Charlotte’s post are based on false premises and the logic is incoherent and contradictory.
For example, Charlotte said,
“Before you “heal” yourselves, you need to recognize that the ones who hurt you also need to heal.”
Why do I need to recognize an abuser’s need to heal before I can begin to heal myself?
Isn’t this how we get into trouble in the first place?
I find the logic in this statement incoherent and faulty.
If I am leaving a toxic relationship, I am going to go No Contact first, and then I am going to concentrate on healing MYSELF.
Why do I need to pause and recognize that my abuser also needs to heal before I can begin to heal myself?
Personally, I find that statement ridiculous.
As always, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
Charlotte can speak for herself and clarify her statements.
I should not be doing it.