If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Taking responsiblity for opening the doors and abandoning our boundaries is part of the healing process.
For me, I had to forgive myself in order to forgive the sins of the spath. Having said that, I only have pity for fellow human beings who do not – DO NOT – have a conscience or empathy and who willingly, deliberately, and with malice inflict their damage upon their victims.
It becomes a choice to evolve from victim to Surivivor, and there must be a short period of self-pity. It’s time to leave that pity-party when we realize that we’re both the Guest of Honor, and the only one in attendance. For me, it was a constant reminder that things could certainly have been worse – I could have been dead instead of healing.
I don’t believe, in my heart of hearts, that spaths deserve anything other than pity and avoidance. For me to hope, pray, and expect that they will find a better path is called, “denial,” and I don’t have the power to facilitate healing in anyone else other than myself.
ErinB, OxDrover,
I went to HRBlock with him. Tax person told him though how I want to file may not seem fair it is legal.
I felt quite angry and challenged him if his goal was that I pay 1/2 his taxes, he said “if that’s how you want to look at it”, I said that is how I look at it, what am I missing?
Eventually he tod the tax rep to do his taxes, and I got up and left (brought my mom along for back up as she’s a bookkeeper and trained w/HRBlock).
When I left, I thought I should have waited a while just to make sure he stayed and filed bec. I still won’t know if he filed and if he’ll make an issue of my filing status.
I emailed him to confirm if he filed and what status/deduction he used. He emailed back this:
“I had to leave because I was crying. I expect to file single and itemize because that is my only option if you itemize.”
I’ll still wait for my attorney’s ok before I e-file. Don’t want to pay his taxes, he is ADAMANT that I owe him this, and that “he’ll have to pay on his credit card 6K, and not be able to pay it back right away, and still has to pay c.s. blah blah” so that “attorneys will have to fugure out how to sort this out”
My mom told me later, that he looks so naive, but he is so conniving under that innocent look, and she said how his face changes, one moment he looks so sad and helpless, the next he perks up to pay attention, then another look goes through as he is plotting another plan. SHe sais she is scared of him that he could kill you. She told me that I handled myself just fine as I challenged him if he expected me to pay for his taxes.
I feel so sad from all this. I want to stand my ground, but I don’t want to take the bite for every single battle he instigates. God how I hate him.
Oh, and when we waited at HRB, he wasn’t saying anything till he got an in with some small talk about D’s report card and sports, then he put on the puppy dog eyes and said, he questions all this because he REALLY DOESN”T WANT A DIVORCE …pouty lip…
Dear Rosa,
I didnt say anyone found Charlottes statements offensive. I just stated that I personally did not find anything she said to be offensive. I said that after reading Jewels post in response to Charlotte needing to go to another site to best be served.
I think we all receive posts as we may. Just because there is a suggestion that we need to do one thing or another – we really must sort out and do things that pertain to where we are and whats best for ourselves.
For example, Charlottes statement you refer to – I did not find it faulty and incoherent. I finally recognized that the toxic person in my life does need to change and heal and grow and learn. That does not mean by any of my doing or helping…it just allowed me to grow and learn more in my own personal healing journey. No contact wasnt enough for me, I eventually found my way by recognizing wow – he really does need to do so much for himself (which he never will) and which is ultimately why I am healing and growing and changing and learning and he is not.
Again, what works for one wont necessarily work for another. But I did relate to some of what Charlotte shared. It wasnt that in order for me to heal I have to recognize he has to heal…but it was more like in my healing journey I recognized the bad man I was with does need to do many things including healing and changing and growing etc…. which he in fact will not do nor feel he needs to do — but again thats not my concern — its what I had to absorb, consider, give thought to him , his ways — and I believe he is comfortably numb.
Charlotte, I just want to point out that relationships with these “people” are profoundly wounding at a soul level, and a very deep mournfulness is sooo very normal an experience.
Gut-wrenching sadness, self-esteem flattened and pulverized, faith, self-trust desroyed…..and rage. NORMAL for us.
We are all on our own paths toward healing, and some of us are furthar along than others. The idea of “forgiving” our abusers is usually unthinkable, at first. It is absolutely imperitive that we be allowed to express our pain and anger as we feel it, only then can we truley heal. This is not self-pity. This is self-compassion. Not allowing myself to think about, or talk about what has happened to me is self-denial. I am turning a deaf ear to myself. Self-contempt, even.
I understand your concept of the wounded wounder. To some extent, I agree. Praying for them is noble, and certainly can’t hurt, but I believe,now that a true dyed-in the wool spath doesn’t really hurt…not like you and I do. I hurt when my concsience tells me I’ve done something wrong. I hurt when I find out that my attachments are leaving me, among other things. These people hurt, IMO, only when their supply is threatened. And No, they have no conscience and feel NO remorse.
But of course that begs the question. Some of these people who have hurt us may NOT be true spaths….just ass-holes or jerks, or even people who just didn’t love us….we still have to grieve and heal, regardless. We still have to grow and let go.
I just think We’re all doing the best we can, and I have to believe that Gods got us all in his hands.
Dear Warrior,
Yea, he is pitiful and pouty and doesn’t want a divorce—HE WANTS YOU TO PAY HALF OR ALL OF HIS TAX LIABILITY, and if you file jointly guess what!? LOL
Oh, dear, pity thye poor baby he may have to put his tax bill on HIS credit card at 30% interest….or he can work it out in a payment plan with the IRS at a lower rate. His choice.
Don’t fall for his pity play—it is just an attempt to suck you into taking care of his debts!
I agree with Rosa, I’m certain no one took offense at Charlotte’s statements.
I do keep thinking though about how Charlotte states that we were warned and should have known better. Quite the opposite is true, however, if we more carefully examine popular media and western culture of the last 30-40 years.
We have been, as a generation, bombarded with messages that tell us the sociopathic personality is alluring, sexy, seductive, worthy of our pursuit and admiration. He/She is depicted as the vamp, the spy, the bad boy, the rebel, the dreamer, the doer, the empire builder….
Who hasn’t sighed in the darkness of a movie theater watching the latest Bond film; “oh James”….the ever charming, clever, quick witted, seductive, and never ruffled ‘hero’ of so many action adventure stories.
Anne Rice’s many romantic novels about the Vampire, and the ensuing Twilight series seducing yet another generation of young women. There are films and now even television series romanticizing the Vampire….and other monsters like them. We are allowed through films and stories and novels these fictional glimpses into the so-called ‘wounded soul’ of these monsters.
The Vampire, and the list of other personalities above, is the fictionalized, romanticized, idealised version of the sociopath.
Some of the most popular cultural icons of the last 40 years have been sociopathic personalities and its as if the pursuit of them has been laid down for us like a challenge, a guantlet, a dare….”ah, but to win the heart of such an elusive and alluring creature as that…and then to heal their wounded soul, perhaps even to save them from themselves….”
OY. The recent Disney Princess craze didn’t do our daughters any favors.
If anything, all of the above has given sociopathic personalities a bit of an edge, and some role models on which to base their ‘hook’. If we want our daughters to make different choices, we’re going to have to come up with some healthier heros for them to choose from. Sociopathy has only grown in prevelance in the United States, and educating them honestly, clearly, and responsibly is imperative because this will be their only defense. I think that Charlotte’s take on empathizing with and pitying the sociopath might be her method of dealing with and healing from her sorrow and that is her choice….but I think that it’s also VERY dangerous because it blithely and blindly ignores the reality of the situation, leaving an open door we all know too well the sociopath WILL walk through if given the chance. Maybe Charlotte has bought into the romantic stories, or maybe Charlotte’s encounter was not with a real sociopath but just another toxic jerk (in which case, thank God for her)….regardless, I sure hope she’s not feeding those stories to anyone else who might be vulnerable…..
Because there is nothing romantic about staring into the gaping maw of pure evil and seeing nothing but cold hearted rage stare back at you.
I’m not suggesting any of these influences remove responsibility, far from it, I’d be the last person to suggest that. But I do disagree with Charlotte’s assertion that there were warnings. Quite the opposite.
Jennifer1011, you’ve summed it up quite well.
If I had known about the red flags, perhaps, I could have avoided my situation(s) altogether, and perhaps not. And, your take on our current culture is spot-on. Well said. Er….typed….
I’m with ya on the status-quo training for girls…ie, the Twilight saga, etc. We had a discussion about that acouple of weeks back, I think, and I couldn’t agree with you more, Jen. Thanks.
Dear Jennifer ,
Maybe I was mistaken, but I thought Jewels may have taken offensive to Charlotte when Jewels posted
“if given about three days solitude to REALLY come up with a response to charloteecreamer, I’m sure that I, TOO, could pull apart that flimsy argument.
SOCIOPATHS are NOT people too ”“ I do not care what charlotte thinks ”“ she/.or he/ needs a different site: One that works WITH the psycho-socio’s to help them BECOME better people. Her time might be better invested there than here”IMO”
I may have assumed Jewels was offended. I apologize.
And as previously shared, I agree I did not have warnings. I did not have awareness about these types of people. It simply was never a topic in my household or elsewhere. The first I heard of the possibility that even the neighbor next door could be a Sociopath — was HERE — when it was recommended to me to read it. Im embarrassed to admit, although I shouldnt be, because so many of us didnt have the knowledge or tools we needed — but I do believe had I been made more aware I would have made different choices — and yes, I admit, I still would have had to learn more about myself along the way, too.
I guess the difference is I didnt assume Charlottes take on being forgiving and realizing her ex needs to heal/change…meant that she would ever welcome him back into her life. In fact, she clearly stated she would NEVER do that. Its just a different way of viewing what is.
I have no idea what will happen in this ever changing world and hundreds of years from now the types of therapies, medications, insights, laws, recognition of Sociopaths, things done and said that may bring about unthought of changes to them and their ways….but as I heal and move on I will never give up hope that one day something might be able to be done. Its not living in denial. It doesnt mean I will open my doors and arms to an unhealthy toxic person. It is a hope… just one hope that change will occur somehow someway….will it ever come to fruition? Who knows…but I hope so…
For now the best we can do is protect ourselves, teach our daughters the truth not the “Fantasy” and EDUCATE and allow everyone to find their own healing and recovering journey.
It is one thing to feel empathy and pity and open yourself to them again…its another to feel empathy and pity for a lost empty dangerous soul trapped in his own life… and be able to move on from him. Thats personal growth to me.
Do I need to inform him that I’m taking daughter (16) on a vacation out of state?
i hope not–rather not talk to him, and he could object, couldn’t he?