If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
gurl,
good to see you.
From your questions I gather that you still haven’t accepted that he’s a spath. Everything spaths do is 180 degrees the opposite of a normal human. Expect it. Don’t let it surprise you. He is going to play with your emotions as long as you let him feed on them. He’s a parasite. His mom probably is too. You are so lucky to be free of him.
Next time he calls, just tell him you are falling asleep, yawn and hang up the phone.
Gurl,
NO CONTACT—why bother with anyone (spath or not) who treats you badly?
What have you got to GAIN by ANY contact with this turd?
He isn’t gonna change, he isn’t gonna be a great guy so why have ANY contact with him at all.
My suggestion is don’t answer the phone, don’t give him the time of day. If necessary, change your number. This is all just DRAMA that you can do without and he can’t live without drama. So who are you doing this for?
dear luky
suggest you apologize to him for leading him on. and MAYBE if you present enough reason for him to answer your call, he will give you time to state your case and then he will consider whether he wants to see you again. i am sure he is grateful for the time he shared with you.
not responding to his messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. he spent time, effort, and money contacting you. getting back to him in response to his messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do.
hope this helps.
katy, who is positively GAGGING that you gave this POS the ability to leave a msg at all. plz read investment bankers letter for further enlightenment. !!! 🙂
Gurl, I didn’t know you from before, but why on earth are you even talking to this douche? Pardon my language here, but that was all back in MAY that you cut him off, and he’s been slowing trying to get back at you now for months. Then you sent him one small response and he knows that he’s finally broken through your wall and got you again. Of COURSE he will keep contacting you! He does not care WHAT you say, so long as you TALK to him, because that is his “in” so to speak. You were ignoring him. Now, you’re passively annoyed yet ironically talking to him again. In his eyes, this is PROGRESS and he is WINNING.
NO CONTACT is NO CONTACT. There is no gray area here.
Cut. Him. Off.
Change your number. Who gives a hoot about his mom or his online dating profile. Go to a new site or just get off online dating for awhile until he has become so distracted by something else that he forgets to hunt you.
Remember. You are prey. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t see you as his soulmate. He sees you as prey. He is incapable of love. He only says that because it gets to you. I can hear it in your voice that it gets to you on some level because you WANT to believe it soooo damn badly. YES you are worthy of love. YES love is great. YES someone will love you one day (though you need to love you first). NO it’s not this bastard. He’s got to go. Forever.
Soulmate! Don’t tell me about soulmates!
I challenged him about his ex-wife. Yes he is still seeing her, they are soul mates. he can’t imagine life without her. But then he says that I am his real SOULMATE in capitals.
Having avoided it for a few years, he is now willing to live with me, to show he commits fully, we can buy a house next year. But she will still be there in the background. But now I don’t know if I want him anymore. I miss him desperately when we are not together. I have realised I don’t trust him or his committment. As you all said before, if he would deceive her when they lived together, how long will it be before he cheats on me. I will provide the comfortable domestic situation that he claims to want, but I know in my heart that he doesn’t want. He wants everything,- his freedom, me, his ex, previous girlfriends – all the many worlds in his head. Not a single world with me.
When he declared total love and devotion and a willingness to do anything for me, I felt sick at heart, knowing it was over.
So now for Christmas with my children and a time to heal and rethink. I was manipulated, and when I sought to control it all become obvious.
my heart and head are set to explode as my world falls apart with grim realisation
Hi BrightEyes. Are you new here? I don’t know if I’ve seen you before. If so, welcome. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. In here, people really understand that moment when realization finally kicks in. The pain is unlike anything I’d ever experienced before–in some ways, it was even worse than learning my sister would die or having a miscarriage. Those things were very painful too, but at least I could find comfort in knowing that they were a part of life. My “soulmate” wanted to kill me, held me in disdain, was jealous of my very existence, and certainly never loved me, even as I gave him all of me without holding back. They are soul-shredders, not soulmates. The only reason they use that word is because sentimental, loving people like us will find value in that word and respond the way they want us to. It means nothing to them. They just know it “works” to get them what they want.
I hope you’ll read up on many articles in here and get familiar with your situation. The first thing you need to do is cut him out of your life. I am a newbie. I did this 3-4 months ago, and things are already very different in a positive way. That sick feeling you describe is your intuition coming back to you. Maybe for Christmas you can give yourself the gift of freedom.
Panther, your comment “Maybe for Christmas you can give yourself the gift of freedom.” is an excellent post.
Brighteyes, people who are dis-honest with others, will be dis-honest with YOU. He has been dishonest with his X, and with you both. It is simply a losing position for you. “Controlling” him is not a healthy option. Good luck.
Brighteyes
What you are providing him is what SHE won’t b/c she’s learned it won’t keep him faithful. She thinks if she takes back what she gave him, he will feel the loss and shape up. But you know that won’t work b/c he does not respect marriage. HE has YOU! YOu know that if she would let him live with her and cheat on her, he would NOT move in with you. He’d only “visit” you.
STILL – You offer to provide him the home and you even know he will still see and be f*n her if she will let him and there you are, providing the material stuff.
To get all this, all he has to do is say “The MAGIC words”! Ahhh……. real SOULMATE!!!
Like that means a hill of beans to him. He even knows how to say the inflection so it gets him what he wants from you, not your good opinion of him, but your STUFF.
Just b/c he says it, you believe him. This inspite of the FACTS that you yourself list.
Best of all, you are teaching your kids that this POS matters more to you than they do. I can’t wait until they are older and can show you the same value. You are singing that aged old song to your kids. MeMEme MEMeme.
People on here are trying to save you from your Karma and you keep declaring that some POS saying the word SOULMATE is what matters!(in caps so he means it when he says it to you, and in small when he says it to her b.c same word but doesn’t mean it, oh except that he can’t imagine being without her…. so he kinda means it.) But his CHARACTER and what he DOES is much less important to you.
Not your kids, not even him matters to you. It’s that That friking word in caps is what matters to you. What a cold comfort to cling to when he’s with someone else for the night and your kids finally have the power/choice to go where they are valued more than a friking WORD spoken by a cheating husband.
Its the realisation that you are right Katydid that prompted my comments,
he cried and begged my forgiveness, he argued every point every corner and as he did that I felt things drift away, that although I love him, it was the end. I will be torn apart every time I see him. I cant but hope to be with him, but I know I can’t that, yes, it is more important for me to take my life back and value my time with my children.
Yes I was duped and manipulated, his ex-wife too. I do now wonder about their relationship and think it must be more that ‘friends’ To him he is the center of his world and everything is about him and his needs. He may not be a spath, but his charm and energy and magic make him a manipulator. But he made me feel sexy and funny and alive. Now I have to do that for myself.
He is coming to see me with presents for the children, I know he will beg forgiveness again, and I dread it because he will be forever diminished in my eyes when he does. Because I know now that it is only to get what he wants, not because it is real.
Bright eyes, the way to tell if they are lying is IF THEIR LIPS ARE MOVING, IT IS A LIE
There is an article here on LF called He is (or was) the lie from Hello to goodbye search it out and read it. Good luck.