If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
I recently got out of a relationship with a man I know for sure is a sociopath.
Our relationship started in May and he told me that it was just me and him. I gave him everything. I gave him my heart, my soul, my time, my money, everything. I was completely committed to him and he knew that. My feelings for him were very deep. Along the way, there were so many inconsistencies and problems. Every time we had a disagreement, he would always threaten to leave (even though 95 percent of the time, he was the cause of the problem). He never let me meet his family. He was always very protective over his phone and I sensed he was hiding something. So many questions. Things didn’t add up. I had a GUT feeling something was wrong, but I just couldn’t prove it. I didn’t have evidence.
Recently, just a few days ago, I did an internet search on his name. Nothing came up. I thought, “That’s strange. Most people have some kind of presence on the internet.” So I tried his mother’s name, thinking I could find out about him through her. I did, and I ended up finding a lot.
I ended up finding out that the name he gave me was false. I ended up finding that he was born in 1977, not 1983 like he told me. Worst of all, he was married with three kids. I found this out through a website that also had pictures of him with his arms around her, him with his kids, and him, his wife, and kids together.
That night I confronted him with this information. I printed out all the info I had on his real name, his birth date, and other information. I printed out the pictures of his wife and kids. I printed out the page that said his wife and kids were married. I even printed out the obituary of his wife’s father, who had just died one month ago while we were together. He told me the woman was his sister and those boys were his nephews. And then he exploded, shifting it on me and making me feel bad for not trusting him. “How could you do that to me? You don’t trust me? I told you, some things you just don’t talk about. You have to leave things alone. If I say I don’t want to talk about my family, respect that.’ He tried making me feel so bad for what I’d done. He also threatened to leave and said, “I swear to God, if you ever do something like that again, I’ll leave you.”
The next day, I got a hold of his wife after searching for a way to contact her. I told her everything. As I tried to speak to her, he came into the room asking who she was speaking to and after she told him that I was on the phone telling her I was dating him, he physically would not let her speak to me. She told me she would call me back, and later that night, we resumed our conversation and I told her everything.
Afterwards, he texted me incessantly calling me a ’stupid ass bitch’, threatening me that his family would beat me up. He told me he knew where I lived and he would cause problems. He also called my home numerous times. I ended up going to the police for my safety.
After all is said and done, I’m left with hurt. His wife is left with hurt. His kids are left with hurt. Every waking moment now, my thoughts are directed to this. I cried throughout the whole day yesterday. I told my family everything and they feel the pain, too. I woke up this morning thinking, “I dated a monster. I dated a man who was actually married and three kids.” Wow, I still can’t believe it. At this point, there is no going back. I wish things were different, I did care for him a lot, but there’s no turning back from the realization that this man lied.
For someone to do that to another human being, there is no other word for him other than ’sociopath’. He has no heart and soul. I’m wishing for an apology from him, a realization that, “Wow, I hurt that girl.” But I don’t expect one, at least not soon.
I spoke to a counselor after filing a police report, and he told me not to blame myself. Yes, I should have listened to my gut and I should do that in the future, but this guy is a professional con. People like this exist. To normal people like you and I, it is hard to fathom that people aren’t kind, but evil exists. It truly does and it shocks the heart of those who have a heart. All I can say is learn from this and move forward. Be strong, be insightful. Listen to your gut feelings. Be an advocate for those who have been hurt, too. After this, I learned how much people care for me. My family, my friends, who I neglected for him, have been there for me and are supporting me. They’re helping me get through this. Appreciate the people around you who truly care.
Straightup, he sounds like a textbook sociopath. Sadly, none of us here were aware of sociopaths until we got played by one and then found this site. The degree of evil is just astounding. I wish you the quickest recovery possible under the circumstances. My heart was so heavy reading your post. No one ever deserves to be treated like this. What a walking waste of carbon they are.
Brighteyes, I also read your post with heaviness in my heart. Eventually, there will be a time when you can trust your feelings. But you absolutely should NOT trust them now! I’m talking about those feelings that tell you you can’t live without him. This is not love – it is an addiction. You are addicted to someone who is poison to you just like addicts are addicted to drugs. I don’t think there’s any person here who has not been through this with a sociopath. Even if he were just some normal Joe who can’t choose between two women, and not the pathological liar that he is, why would you disrespect yourself like this?
I know it must be odd to hear this from a bunch of total strangers. We are here because we care about each other and want to see each other succeed. I have been sociopath-free for 3-1/2 years and I’m completely over him. But for a long time I thought he was my SOULMATE and was almost willing to overlook his MARRIAGE that he lied about to be with him. Thank God I broke the addiction. It was one of the most painful things I ever went through. You CAN move on. But you have to put your feelings on mute right now and look at the FACTS. The facts are that it is going nowhere. Here I am, a total stranger, telling you that if you go back to this man (I use the word loosely), you will be completely miserable. You may have a temporary reprieve from having to deal with the pain of grief. But it will be worse in the end when he discards you and finds a new SOULMATE.
I also found myself agreeing with Katy. You have kids and you have to think about them in everything you do. You have the opportunity to model strength to them.
Take good care,
Star
Stargazer
Of course you are right and the pain is still intense after our meeting before xmas, so I haven’t been able to write or read. He did come over with presents, we had a meal. He begged for forgiveness, said he would do anything to make it work, promised me the earth, moon and stars. He said we were made for each other and would never find such a good match in anyone else, we were so special that his ex was irrelevant. But the more he tried, the more he begged for forgiveness, (he wouldn’t promise not to see her again) the more he tried to reason with me, the more I realised that it really was over, he is a sad man who doesn’t know the truth or how to live honestly, he is not the one I looked up to and admired, disillusion is hard. He has been emailing and sending sms messages, but I have blocked him from both systems – his messages now go straight to ‘trash’. I even took a deep breath and returned his presents unopened.
I know I have done the right thing, but at night I lie alone and miss him with all my being.
Yes bright eyes, “but at night I lie alone and miss him with all my being”
Stargazers comments were correct. You have an addiction. How do I know? I had that addiction too. I’m a recovering addict. Still a newbie …been NC for 10 nearly 11 weeks. Still have dreams about him and yes I miss him too.
I’m not going back ..
No no no. Strength to you. And good girl for returning the presents. Ha!
StraightUp;
I am glad you had the courage to confront your x-spath. My biggest mistake was not doing so when I learned about mine via his Internet trail.
Just watching a program “help! my husband has a hobby!” The concept is a wife asking for help to deal with her husband’s hobby when it takes extravagant proportions. They first hear the wife out, then pluck the husband form his job or wherever he is, and have a confrontation with the wife and husband, where the wife tells the husband why she felt the need to do this. In this case the husband was a hoarder. His response was that of a mask of grins and smirks. And all he ever said was that he never knew she had such an issue with it all. The wife was so ashamed of the rubbish in her home that she celebrated her birthday abroad with him, instead of home. And whenever she told him how fed up she was with the hoarded stuff, he blamed her for nagging in the past. She mentioned how their sexual life was almost non-existent, except for her initiative, and how he never told her he loved her. (he admitted the last, his eyes shot hellfire when she mentioned the state of their sex-life)
They usually do this program with a therapist aiding the extravagant hobbyist. She pinpointed the mask of grins and smirks in the confrontation video she was shown, but she explained it away as the fear-cold-sweat-mask. And I thought, “hmmm, he grinned especially whenever his wife revealed her feelings of shame and her hurt to him.” So, I thought he might be smirking because the sole thing he enjoyed in that cofrontation was how it affected her.
The therapist worked with him alone and gave him an assignment: he had to throw a birthday party the next day for his wife at his house, inviting neighbours and family who could come, had to explain why he organized the party (because of his hoarding his wife felt ashamed of inviting people in the house, and because he loved her), and tell his wife something that came from the heart (that he loved her).
So, he organized the party, and then gives a speech to poison it for the rest of the evening: he started off by saying that he had thrown a party because his wife called in this people and for the program he had to throw a party, because his wife had preferred to celebrate it abroad (but not how he was the cause of that preference). Everything else in the speech was about how hard he had worked to get that party organized as the program his wife had called in told him to, and how hard he would have to work the coming week on clearing the house. (it was all the confirmation I needed to know what kind of man this guy was)
His wife was bearing the public blaming with a smile and asked him, whether he had something else to tell her… he said, he didn’t. The wife ended up in tears in the kitchen.
Their adult daughter confronted her father, asked him to promise that he would start on the garage the next day. Not to the surprise of any of us, he verbally attacks his daughter… hadn’t he thrown a party for her mother, and hadn’t he promised the program makers to do smething about the issue, and it was still not enough… still they had to nag about it, and besides the program makers would decide what he was supposed to do the next day, and if they didn’t show up, he wouldn’t care either.
Daughter leaves the party and says goodbye to her mother, suggesting she takes her bag and sleeps over at her house. Mom is contemplating it very hard, but eventually cheats herself into staying… because hadn’t he promised to get rid of the stuff? and she was sure he meant it.
Later on, she does leave the home and stays over with her daughter… that’s of course when he clears out the whole garage and front garden of the rubbish… and everything is ‘good” again…
NOT. The hoarding wasn’t the real issue. The real issue was the heartlessness of the man, so evidently displayed at the party speech. He should have been thrown out with the rest of the garbage. His actions and words on the party showed how little he loved her, let alone appreciated her… and certainly did not care about her well being. What the program makers did was save a marriage that didn’t deserve any saving, at least when they were making it. It helped the spath to prove that eventually, after a lot of pressure, he could clear the house of hoarded stuff… But perhaps watching all the videod material perhaps might make the wife reconsider… I hope for her sake she does.
My ex-spath was a party animal… and he did love taking me out to party… of course he would either ignore me then, or nag me into a fight. But whenever there was a special date for a party: date of being together, birthday (his or mine), christmass, new years, etc… he would make sure I’d end up feeling miserable and get to be blamed for it too.
Darwin’s mom,
That’s a GREAT (let me repeat that!) THAT”S A GREAT ANALYSIS of the program and the various people and their responses.
It was never about the hoarding! It was about making her life miserable, then blaming her for nagging! Yep, you got it! I hope that wife takes a hike and leaves him with his STUFF!
Even as I am writing this, I am UN-hoarding some of my stuff and getting my “spare” room set up as an exercise room—I actually have plenty of room for guests to sleep in my Recreational Vehicle Camper–sleeps up to 8 comfortably! So, no need for a “spare bedroom” in my house! But I do want an exercise room so— PRESTO, OUT GOES THE BED! Which, right now I’m going back to doing!
I recently found this FB ‘conversation’ with the spath and several women who he went to grade school with. He has ‘gone back’ to try to whoo about 10 women from grade school. Some have cottoned on to his crap and posted nasty stuff about him being gay and a drug dealer etc………and some are still oogling over him…..tripping over herself and it’s interesting to see how he catches it immediatley and latches on……she’s seeing him as perfect, he’s seeing her as a victim. She’s broadcasting her perfect victim status….single mother, please tell me your a jerk…(YEAH, what jerks ever verbally announce it!) Guess where he’ll be on his drug pickup run in FEB……she happens to live in the part of the state he does his pickup. And she’s made herself so available, he can go there and con her boys as she falls in love with him and his only motive is to use her and her home…..for a quick lay and a place to sort the drugs and head on…..as she’s left devastated, thinking she’s found ‘the one’. HOY~ google search him darlen!!!
This exchange made me think about all the women who just don’t ‘get it’ and how vulnerable to ANY spath/toxic they are……and how thankful I am that I look at ‘words’ and meanings and the schmooze differently NOW. I was once this woman! More importantly…..NOT NOW!
I never would have gotten to the place of ‘getting it’ if I hadn’t of had this experience. Now it’s so clear!
FB Exchanges below…..it was posted under one of his smily photos……
1st dumb girl: You look good spath, I should have Married you at my sisters Weddding. .lol
Spath: getting old girl!you were the jock chick!
2ndDumb girl: You look like a movie star”..
Spath: YOU MAKE ME LAUGH, HOW CHARMING
2nd Dumb girl: whatever”.you were fascinating when I was a little girl too!!! I can’t wait to brag to my sister and my friend that I chatted with you!!!!
Spath: FOR WHY!
Spath: I should come cook sometime, all those boys must eat
2nd Dumb Girl: You have no idea what their appetites were like growing up!!! Best time of my life.
(She has 3 teenage boys and apparently he hasn’t shared with her that he’s got teenage boys too he doesn’t see)
2nd Dumb girl: You really don’t get it??? You were a hot commodity in school. IF a ninth grader even said Hi, it made my day”..but YOU were THE SPATH (gave name in bold)”.Student body President and most popular guy!!! Same giddy feeling when I met a movie star **SIGH**
Spath: Girls have said they use to just stare at me and I never saw them, I didn’t. I was so happy with life, didn’t really notice girls! I was a joker, surfer and made money.
Spath: So do you have a garden, I love to plant flowers and work in the yard.
2nd Dumb girl: Can you please say something so I think you MIGHT be a jerk????? I spent the day weeding and cleaning an area to plant this spring”anytime you want to jump in with a jerk comment is fine with me.
Spath: I always say I’m going to make some women a beautiful wife, keep a clean house, cook like nobodies business.
2nd Dumb girl: Not helping”ok heres a flaw. You”., aw shit!! I can’t think of one!!! A beautiful wife Sounds wonderful.
Spath: I use to mow my lawn with scissors, flaw!
2nd Dumb girl: Absolutely!!! And thank you”.ok, now I’m over it. Thanks. Really!?!?! Scissors?? How could you!!!
2nd Dumb girl: Not helping!!!
Spath: It was by the front door at the entrance! The rest with the mower, there were 20K sq. ft of grass and 10K Tulips and Orchids and 18 Rose bushes! Never used the sit down mower that’s for fat people.
Jane: Spath you never told me you were student body president
Spath: Sorry Jane never told you and we hung out for years.
2nd Dumb girl: Again, **Sighs** Not helping!
Spath: I’m a ass ask Jane
Jane: Ha ha spath”.never remember you being an ass”.just cute and sexy 🙂
Spath: Thanks! Your not helping, but I always respected you, witch was a bad thing for me in a good way for you.
2nd Random new girl: And a huge flirt! LOL
Jane: Yes, that too.
Spath. 2nd Random new girl, you were the tuffest to win over! I’m a political monster!
2nd Random new girl: So funny spath!
Hanger on dude: Spath, Nice ’most wanted’ picture!
3rd random new girl: Are you back in ’this state’?
Spath: Coming that way in Feb. Wish I was there I’d be doing X, Y, Z.
4th random new girl: A flirt, but a nice guy. 🙂
Spath: Thanks, you put up with me for 3 years! Special!
EB, oh my… makes me want to puke and giggle at the same time!