If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Hi, new to this site. Don’t know where to start..I need insite though..my mind is spinning and I wake up feeling dazed and confused almost daily. Here it goes..My b/f and I met about a year ago online. At the start there were red flags I wish I would have heeded. He was short tempered, nit picky, didn’t follow through with planned dates. First date we went on, I paid for because his bank card was declined. He invited me to his house (that he said he owned) but, that his mother and sister were living with him for the time being. And, then he’d make up an excuse for me to not to go there. I also didn’t meet his mother until several months into the relationship because he said she was a drunk and an embarrassment. Quickly after we met he told me “my mom will kill me if she knew I told you this, but I’m living on my inheritance from my grandmother, that’s why I only need to work a few hours a day and am able to go to school”. Just out of the blue that information came up and I didn’t pay it much attention. Later, he told me things were really bad at home with mom and she was ‘evicting’ him. I saw the paper and it did say eviction. I asked how can she evict you when you own the house? He seemed to always have an answer..”I do own the house, my lawyer will take care of it”. Then he would call me frantically while I was at work with drama regarding confrontations with his mother. That’s where this really all started. He needed a place to stay. He told me “I was one of a kind”, “Last good girl out there”, “I could see myself marrying you”..I fell for it. I thought there was a future there. He moved in and things became toxic really fast. He constantly called me at my job to borrow $ for graduation fees, fees for his storage (since he moved his things out of HIS house) $ for cigarettes (I don’t smoke), etc. And, I gave him everything I had. Meanwhile, he started a job with a big company that he said his position was high up there. Yet, he quit after 30 days and I never saw a paycheck. I questioned him about it and there came the rage. First he told me the check would be direct deposited (it never showed up), then he said he had to pick up the first check in person (I never saw that one) but, he said he deposited it. Well, of course I checked with the bank daily and the deposit never surfaced. He even came into the bank with me after several arguments to get to the bottom of this and sat next to me while the bank teller was dumbfounded when I kept asking to find a deposit. Somehow, I believed everything he told me. There was so much more in this past year..emotional abuse, physical abuse, the horrible comments he would make to me while I paid for everything. My account was constantly overdrawn. And, we shared a joint checking account. Well, of course I had to pay the $600 that he owed the bank for his previous NSF charges just to have him on our joint acct. (red flag) Long story short. Bills got very behind. Deposits never made it to the acct. Electricity got shut off. Rent was late. I borrowed money from my sister, my dad, my grandpa to pay rent and his Dwi. The finale? He told me he paid the rent (by getting his lawyer to pay it for a fee while waiting on a family settlement?) But, showed me no receipt for paying the rent. And, when asked..distracted me with his anger again. I often got called “B****, FatB****,I hate you,I’m leaving you,I’m going to punch you in the jaw,Shut the Fup”. I never understood the rage. The meaness. Well, I got an eviction notice on my apt. door. Had to go to court with no paperwork proving I paid the rent because he was still trying to get it from the bank. And, I was evicted 4 days later. To this day he still tells me “I paid the rent”. He also told me he paid my car notes that were several months behind totaling $3k. That never happened either. I know he likes Video poker, the casino. Money went missing and he wouldn’t account for it. “Lost” his wallet 3x’s in the year we met. I no longer know what the truth is and what is an illusion. I don’t know if he’s a Spath or not, but he’s caused me a great deal of pain. And, of course there is so much more to be written.
Dear Libragirl,
Darling welcome to Love Fraud! There’s no way we can “diagnose” him as a psychopath but he sounds like he FITS IT TO A TEE from the description you gave….manipulative, liar, addict, mooch, thief, con man, love bombing, drunk creep…is there anything I missed?
I’m sorry you had this experience, but at the same time I’m GLAD you are out away from him now and that you found LoveFraud. This is a healing place, and learning about psychopaths will help.
Knowledge=power, so educate yourself by reading reading reading, every article in the archives…and hang in there. You are not alone and you are NOT crazy. You are escaping and you are healing. Welcome. God bless.
Thank you so much OxDrover for that validation. I don’t know what I’m even feeling right now. Over and over he told me he deposited money in ‘our’ account, and then took money out before it cleared. Well, it never cleared and I guess it was never real. So many stories, so many lies. I am out now. But, I wonder if I would be had we not been evicted. I moved home with my dad at the age of 39 because I had nowhere else to go. So humiliating. Especially, when they don’t understand how I could still love someone that lied and got me evicted out of my house and home. He was so convincing. I pawned most of my valuables just to get by and make sure he had the things he needed while ‘waiting’ for him to get another job, and start taking care of me like he said he wanted to do. We even looked at engagement rings! When I think of how far the manipulation went so he could just exist in my apt. I guess, I am floored. It’s difficult realizing what a liar he is. I bought him several phones becaue he was never happy with the one he had or sold them for quick money to pay bills, put gas in the car or whatever else. Even now I stupidly pay ‘our’ phone bill, because I didn’t want to lose total contact. And, he is ruthless. Has humiliated me in public just to get his way to stay with his buddies. Tonight, he lied to me and I actually caught it. He recently admitted that he might have a gambling problem. (Go figure) And, we’ve made promises to one another that we would not go to gambling facilities without each other long ago. Well, I caught him at one a few weeks ago. And, of course the response “Well, I’m bored”. That was it. Tonight my phone tracked him at a truck stop near his house. And, when I asked him if he was there. Bulls*** was the response. I’m tired of your Bs he tells me and MY drama. Unbelievable.
Thank you
Libragirl,
he’s a classic. I’m just happy for you that you are out in one year. If you let him keep pulling your strings, he will drag it out to 25 years – like mine did. And I actually consider myself lucky because I’m ALIVE.
They feel entitled to your complete faith in their lies and if you stop believing, they feel entitled to kill you.
He has already threatened you. In fact, when he told you he wanted to punch you in the jaw, it was probably the only time he ever told you the truth. The lie, though, was the reason for punching you. He has been wanting to and he only needs an excuse.
Please cancel his phone and never ever EVER speak with him again. It’s your only hope for healing from this parasite that wants to suck your life out. It won’t be easy. He will make it hard because he’s addicted to the drama. The only way to be rid of him is to give him no emotional responses. He’s an emotional vampire.
Skylar, thank you.
I feel so drained right now. Everyday in contact with him, I find myself more confused. How could I feel sympathy for someone that obviously has no true love for me? Although, everyday he tells me he loves me. Says he’s sorry for ‘namecalling’..is going to a psychiatrist, has diagnosed depression yet the lies and anger and rage keep coming. My dilemma has always been ‘When do I give up on him?’ At what point have I given enough or given him enough time to heal his skeletons? I thought if I was just patient enough or kind enough he would evolve from the kindness that I was showing him. He has a filthy mouth. And, every word is F this F that. He insults me. Personally attacks during arguments if he doesn’t hang up on me at least 10 times first. Tells me that “I have to ruin everyday”. “That I’m controlling, a nag”. I see myself becoming insecure because he’s a frickin liar and when you don’t trust someone everything changes. He has actually put his hands on me a few times. Left a huge bruise on my stomach. Many times I should have left, and I didn’t. But, he always did. That was the weird part. He’d get mad and go back home to mommy for a night or two. Tell me he hates me. And, he could see why my husband divorced me. Called me a whore, a slut a hog.. unbelievable names and I still feel love or ‘something’ for him. He always said “everybody else always gave up on me, but you did’t” So, I guess I took that as my cue to continue to be there for him and hope for the best. But, yes he gets mad at any conversations I want to have about having a healthy relationship and says “here we go again”. “Everyday you ruin it”. “I’m tired of your Bs***. lol My Bs I tell him? I just want a peaceful relationship with mutual love and respect, why is that so difficult for you?
The other red flag is how he talks to his mom and sister. I’ve witnessed conversations between them. He is always calling her a B… also. And, his sister a hooker. I have met the mom and sister twice in 1 year. He made sure we couldn’t swap stories I guess. The mom is an alcoholic for sure, but that doesnt give him the right to treat me the way he does.
Libra,
the ironic thing about spaths is that the nicer you are to them, the more they hate you. They think you are “weak” for being kind to them, so they up the ante.
Everything about the spath is 180 degrees the opposite of how normal people are, so nothing you do will work. The only way he might respect you, is if you started dating a gigantic sumo wrestler that could knock his block off. Spaths respect only POWER. The reason for this is because deep down, (or not so deep), they are cowards and bullies who prefer to pick on women, children and animals.
I’m very glad for you that you got away quickly, but you’re still not out of the woods. He will continue to harrass you and if you show any weakness AT ALL, he will be encouraged.
Weakness means EMOTION. Even your anger gives him satisfaction because it means he can still affect you.
Each time I left my spath he would find me and stalk me and convince me to come back. The last time, was different. I met a man who explained what a malignant narcissist is. He told me that he had dated a woman who was abusive. They were both lawyers, and she was well-connected in their profession. When he decided he had to get away from her, he just began to act very boring. He wouldn’t respond with any emotion to any question. His answers became, “ok”, “that’s fine”, “I don’t care.” “whatever” “that’s nice.” Spaths can’t stand boring people. They run away from boring people. This worked and SHE left him.
I began to call this tactic “gray rock” because it means you blend into the background and become as unnoticeable as a gray pebble on the street.
If he continues to harrass you, become a gray rock. Hopefully, in a short time, he will get bored and slither away.
Unless we understand more about how the human brain perceives and processes different opportunities, we won’t be able to tell the fakes from the genuine opportunities.
It’s true……
EB,
these videos demonstrate how an illusion can be created by framing your perspective and how changing your perspective can shatter the illusion.
This is the illusion of water running uphill:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbi8-L-TJkA&feature=player_embedded
This is how the illusion is created:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8leA2SWBzc0&feature=player_embedded#!
sky, awesome links… loved the esher illusion becoming real and then the video that shows the perspective illusion they created.
Libra,
He sounds like the real thing… that is, as spath as my ex. Reading the money issues you had just triggered several memories of his money-getting tricks. I believed it for a little less than a year. I hated it for half a year, but still helped out. I was broke the last half year, and my rationale started to kick in more and more… with the well dried up, he went looking for a new victim to parasite on. When he found her, he dumped me the same week she agreed to get him to London. And as far as I know that’s where he is. Can’t imagine him treating her any better than he ever treated me. More fool her though… she was warned by several ex-es of his pattern behaviour.
And no, I don’t have an official diagnose of him by a psychiatrist who tested him. But from what I knew alone he gets 30 r slightly more on the psychopathy scale. My psychiatrist didn’t disagree with me at all, though she never mentioned the term either… but she checked my experiences with the red flags (from the getting to know him till the end) during the intake, mentioned I should be glad to not have a child carrying his genes, and calling him “dangerous” after asking a picture of him (one he took of himself without anyone around to mirror). It was as good as an admittance that he highly likely was a full spath by a professional who works with abuse victims. The fishead test you can do via facebook, gave him a +30 scale too…
Not a bone in my body longs for him anymore. But I longed and pined for him a lot in those 2 years. I now know I loved my previous 2 ex-es more than I loved him, and they were more deserving of it, if not a good match. He had made me an addict to his self created illusion that evaporated more and more over time, until all there was left was a nigthmare.
What you feel is an addicting “bondage”.
Very good illustration Skylar.
It’s also how magicans do what they do successfully!…….it’s amazing what our minds are capable of getting us into!
There is an aquaduct off Hwy 80. When I use to drive by it, it’s on a hill……going upwards. it has bumps in the concrete design, When the water is really flowing,…. it absolutely gives the illusion that the water is flowing uphill in the opposite direction. I’ve pulled over many a time to watch it with the kids.
It’s about retraining our minds…..to what we KNOW to be true. Logic.
Nothing comes for free…..
Water doesn’t flow uphill…..
Everyone in the world is not kind……
If it seems to good to be true…..it is!
Believe your gut……
Ducks quack, snakes bite…..
Don’t walk in a dark ally……
Spaths don’t change!