If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Hi everyone it’s been a while since I’ve visited. I just want to share that it does get better eventually but unfortunately you will never be the same once you process what has happened. Do know, this is not a bad thing. You’re now armed with the proper knowledge to discern toxic and sick people before they attempt to enter your life. Never change your character, you were sweet, loving, and giving before them. They have no real character, but you do everyone just isn’t privy or deserving of your kindness.
They are pathetic. Useless. Draining. Users. They will never change so run as far as you can.
It’s been almost a year since my break up now and through hear say family and friends have began to see him for what he is. Remember if he bad mouths you, fine. They can’t help but destroy everything they can get their hands on and eventually they will be found out.
They’re happiness or shall I say perceived happiness is short lived, trust me. They’ll be on to the same game just different place and in some cases, different place.
They will crumble and crash, every time. Every new position or relationship will indeed fail.
They are toxic.
Evil.
Sadistic.
In their eyes you aren’t gentle and honest your PREY.
When you meet someone new be careful. If he’s impatient, he doesn’t deserve your time.
All the signs will be present, pay attention.
Refrain from giving people much information about yourself early on even if it’s just your hobbies.
My spath broke NC a month ago asking to take me on vacation. He knows I love to travel. It’s a trap. Ignore ignore ignore.
They will always return to test the waters. Especially when you’ve moved on. They must break you. They cannot lose.
Stay strong!!!
-Recovering (formerly farwronged)
Wow, my heart and soul goes out to each and everyone of you. No contact is the most difficult thing for me and he knows it. In my past relationships I have trouble ‘letting go’ and having the awareness to know when to stop trying. We still have 2 active modes of communication. The cell phone and facebook. I know what I need to do, but having negative contact seems to be better than no contact. And, saying that statement outloud is progress for me. He admitted to me recently that he ‘may have a gambling problem’ and knows he needs to stay away from bars, and video poker etc. Yesterday, my phone tracked him sitting at a truck stop and he vehemently denied that he was there. He blew up at me, called me names, blame shifted and said “you are psycho and crazy” and hung up without communication as he usually does leaving me to feel ignored and very unsettled. I sent a text and said “I deserve a phone call from you with the truth”. He sent a return text “I will call when famiy leaves”. That was yesterday at 3:30 pm. I am besides myself that there is never more concern for my feelings or resolving issues. Or, less selfish behavior from him. Now, he posted at midnight on Fbook about some stupid UFC fight and how he’s looking forward to BCS championship tonight. And, here I sit still waiting for that call..barely slept last night, my heart is broken and he’s posting on facebook.
Looking back, I question everything. I think that’s why my head hurts. Was this a lie? Was that a lie? Uggh..
Since I am living back at home with all of my unpaid bills, I still was giving him a chance to redeem himself. He claims to have gotten a job (but the start date has been postponed at least twice), I’ve continued to pay the cell phone bill (he only answers when convenient for him), I’ve continued to buy him boots for work, a duffle bag, and help him in otherways too. And, what I get in return is “Im have my first check mailed to you, cuz you deserve it and you know how to manage money”. And, we need to pay back all those people we borrowed money from. Sounds good, right?
And, may I add:
The year we lived together, he claimed to have a lawyer because of the family inheritance dispute. Claimed he was waiting to cash in stock and that’s what was taking so long. Then, said his mother froze his accounts because she was sueing her family for more money. Left the apartment several times telling me “his check was finally ready” and going get it at his lawyers. But, he needed $70 or xamount to pay him for his services first. Then he’d come back home empty handed stating he wasn’t there, or some other excuse. But, never came back with my money. Told me for my birthday he was giving me a check for $10k afterall he had taken almost that from me, and then that never came true either. My life with him was full of disappointment. After we moved out, he went to live at his moms house. (who he can not stand) Told me he got a job at a car dealership in the body shop. Well, that was easy to verify. A friend in payroll was able to verify that he did work there 10 years ago, but not recently. He continued to tell me he got his first paycheck and had $300 for me. We would meet and he never would have that money. I confronted him about not working there, and still claims he did. But, just for a couple of weeks. He also claimed he had a paper proving he paid the rent and would make threats about giving it to me or not giving it to me. I asked for proof for a couple of months. “I can’t just walk out the house with papers, my mom will go ballistic”. “I can’t find it”. “I’ll meet you later with it”. Well, I still have no ‘proof’ he paid it. And, am now responsible for past rent and 1/2 of my lease totalling 7k. I use to tell him..I just want you to be nice to me that’s it. And, truthful. If you didn’t pay the rent, why couldn’t you just say that?
Libra,
Actually the negative contact is not good for you either… The addictive bondage is not just created solely by the lovebombing… the addiction to him is started that way… it’s an oxytocine bond. But you get bonded and deeper even more because of trauma. The flip-flop between the nice and mean guy only deepens your need to get your fix, and bonds you to him like a hostage to his or her hostage taker.
I think you should read and learn about trauma bonding: read up on “oxytocine”, “stockholm syndrome” and “trauma bonding”
He didn’t just say the truth, because he knew he could lie and make you suffer the consequences. The sweet, nice guy was a lie and never existed… though he seemed so real.
My spath did the same stuff about money and stuff he “borrowed” from me… He would get it back for me, invest it, put some of his music on my IPod, but the guy who was gonna do it wasn’t home, had kept it for his own, he was gonna put him into jail for it, he got it back and gave it to his dad, his investment (drugs) were stolen, his dad didn’t have it… it was still with the guy who first stole it, but if we paid him off he’d give it back… The IPod became a ‘game’. I knew he was lying about it, and I kept taking the bait to prove to myself he was lying about it…
But meanwhile he still hurt me, damaged me, bonded me more and more in some twisted way. And the truth was that despite all the evidence I had about this lowlife, I stayed with him because I couldn’t let go and was bonded.
I revealed the deepest wound he ever put me through on the night of New Year to my best friend… after hearing that, he thought aboout it for a long time still, and this week on the phone asked me: how came I to stay with him for so long, if he hurt me in such a personal way so early. He’s the most understanding friend I have… he even has his own spath experience with his first boyfriend. The explanation to that is the trauma and oxytocine bond… the WTF moment where this otherwise sweet guy suddenly said the meanest thing he ever could to a woman in a very intimate moment… I blocked out the hurt, because it did not fit the picture I had f him at that moment. And I only remembered the hurt again several weeks when all contact was broken, almost 2 years later than when it was said.
As long as you stay in contact with him you are setting yourself up for more hurt and more disappointment. When will he have hurt you enough? When will he have disappointed you enough? It is time to stand up for yourself and tell yourself: enough, no more. Drop him for the garbage parasite he is. Stand up for yourself and decide it’s time to start to heal, instead of getting wounded and hurt even more.
I want to add, that I understand your bonding type… I bond easily to people… not to everyone, but certainly sexually I come easily attached to someone, and have a hard time letting go of “what if”… even if it was a one night stand. And when I fall in love it’s even harder. I can pine for someone, even a hopeless case, for a long time. When I’m in a relationship, I’m extremely loyal.
I used this knowledge as an excuse to myself to explain my staying with him (in a bit of a narcistic way as sky would remind me ;-)) … what I had forgotten though was that eventually I got over all of them too. I stayed with the spath until the deepest emotional cut: until he discarded me. And in retrospect, all in all.. I actually got over the loss of him quicker than some of the guys I was with for a shorter time. Taking a long time though to get over the mess he made of my life, my brain and my emotions though. At least in May I will have paid off the personal loan I had to get when I was with him. Then I can start on downsizing the outstanding credit.
Thank you Darwinsmom,
I will research those terms you speak of. I know this is the most traumatic relationship that I’ve ever been through. My divorce wasn’t even this difficult. My family think I should have left him months ago. They don’t understand how I did not see the lies much earlier. Easier said from an outsiders perspective that wasn’t dealing with the rages, the love I felt, and maintaining my sanity while being the only bread winner still going to work everyday after being called a bitc* on the way there or told “I’m leaving you, I’ll be gone when you get home”. Only to call several times and he’d let the phone ring or answer and tell me “he had nothing to say to me” and hang up. Then he’d come get me from work that day, and say he was sorry. And, that cycle was the ‘norm’. I didn’t know these kind of people existed. So, I kept telling myself he’d get through it, and we’d be better. We weren’t. I still never understood what I did wrong? Now, I know it’s because I asked questions about where he was going, why there were no checks deposited, I tried to make him accountable and that’s where the violence and rage came in. I see now he was hiding the gambling addiction too. He slapped me twice in the face. Threw full glasses of coke on me. Threw water on me while I laid in bed waiting for him to get through his “I hate you moments”. We went to a bar one night and he basically ignored me. Got mad when a gay male friend danced close to me. And, then put his arm around some girl that was talking to him. Came home that night, and put his fists up and challenged me to a fight. Told me I was just jealous because the girl “was hotter than me”. Then refused to sleep in the same bed. Threw his water bottle at me as I laid there and cried. He mocks me when I cry too. Calls me a ‘crybaby b****’. He’s pushed me on the bed before to get me out of his way. And, the sofa. I’ve knocked my head before on the dresser and got a bump. Punched me in the stomach when I followed him downstairs and grabbed his shoulder to stop him. Backed up the car while I was hanging on to the door trying to get him to talk. And, when we argue easily gets angered and states “If you don’t stop talking/yelling I’m going to punch you in the jaw”. Uggh.. like I said. I feel uncomfortable labeling him because what if I’m wrong? What if he is depressed and angry or something else.
Dear Libragirl ~
Please understand you don’t have to label him anything other than what he has shown you he is. At the top of that list is ABUSIVE. It does not matter if he is this way because he is a spath, is depressed and angry or anything else. What matters is that he is an ABUSER and NO ONE should have to put up with ABUSE.
You are way too good for that. You must stand up for yourself and say NO MORE. I understand it will be difficult, but that must be your first step. Please read and write more here on LF, there are so many great people that will help you, that truly understand what you are going through and your feelings.
Take care of yourself and my thoughts will be with you.
EB ~ I know I am way late, but I just read your x’s walk down memory lane with his little grade school groupies.
I felt like I had just taken a large dose of ipecac – SERIOUSLY !!!
I hope you realize the “prize” that you let get away!!! Grade school student body pres. – geez EB, how could you pass on that !!!! LOL
Libragirl,
I’m late getting into this conversation this morning, but let me tell you in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS…as long as you maintain contact, he will continue to lie to you, abuse you, hurt you and you will not break free from it.
ONLY with no contact can you get free. He is still getting free phone service and free whatever it is that you are sending him, and he yells and screams at you….you can’t help him, but you can only help yourself with NO CONTACT. As long as you are giving him FOOD he keeps eating your soul.
You even mentioned you had problems in earlier relationships “letting go”—you have made a great advance in healing by realizing what YOUR PROBLEM IS. Fixing YOUR problem will allow you to heal from the damage and abuse he has done. Until we take care of ourselves (getting away from toxic people) we will continue to have problems with relationshits one after the other….rinse and repeat. That’s not a good way to live in my opinion, and I did it a long time myself…but peace and freedom from abuse and abusive people is WORTH IT!!! so put yourself first, cancel his phone! (((hugs))) and my prayers for you!
MILO…..
Grade school prez turned drug dealer/pedo and predator…..
I’m not into his monster politics!
Sorry….had to giggle….it sounds just so infantile.
The sad thing is……they still fall for it!
I guess, just cuz i’ve figured it out…..doesn’t mean all have. It’s funny when we’ve learned something….and see it so clearly…..it’s amazing others don’t…but once, we were in their shoes?!?!?! YIKES!
Put the ipicat away now! I’m passing yout the gingerale. 🙂