If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
StrongaWoman,
I so can relate with your comment about money,sex,money,power, etc. Part of his reason for exploding today was due to I think another lie that I can not confirm. He was supposed to sell a motorcyle that his uncle brought here from another state back to the Uncle yesterday! Claimed he got a check from the Uncle. Today was cocky and when I did say “why should I pay for your cell phone when you don’t answer it or hang up on me when I call”.. I got go ahead and cancel it I have money now..B****! Yesterday, I asked him to take a picture of the bike. He did’nt. I don’t think there is a bike. But, it just makes my mind wonder what purpose does that lie serve??
Libra,
I know it’s so hard, when you are still so involved… it’s hard to look at the big picture, and instead so much easier to dwell on a little thing and try to win to make him admit it.
My ex of course never admitted that he was behind my assault robbery…A year later he still tried to gaslight me about whose face was in my face, and how the cops had found my stuff and put some other guys HE HAD HELPED to identify into jail. Problem was, I’m sure they were bad ass guys and dangerous (which was why the police was eager to jump on them), but all my stuff, all the info on those guys was VIA him… MEANWHILE according to him it couldn’t be his mates whose face I had 2 inches away from me and feared would rape me (robbery was the last thing on my mind), because I was under shock and mistaken identity. And yet the only reason I stopped and let these guys come close, was because I recognized them when they came running towards me and I expected them to greet me, instead of holding me in a choking grip and push me down on the street. Besides I had other witnesses who corroborated their timing of leaving a bar, in the direction my ex admitted he went after thinking I was going to break up with him. When I summed up to him that every of the ‘evidence’ to the guys who hadn’t actually done it had come from him only, he went deadly silent.
Once I accepted what kind of coldhearted, manipulative mean person he was, I don’t need any admittance anymore or more evidence other than the circumstantial evidence I have to be sure that he had sent his mates after me to rob me. I know 100% sure that he was behind it. And when I hear a tale of girls he cheated me with being raped or missing an IPod and money when the next day he ends up haivng a big bag of weed… that’s all I need to know. While I always wanted to believe the best of him originally, I now believe the worst of him without second thoughts.
My parents’ cat had a broken tail (12 year old cat that doesn’t wander far anymore and stays at home more and more) at the time he was in Belgium and sometimes staying and working at my parents? I betcha he slammed the door on its tail just to see the result.
What I’m trying to say, Libra… does it really matter anymore why his latest lie served? All that should matter to you is that it has been his n th lie.
Actually there is an answer to why he lies: because he knows it gets you upset, because it will create drama and you will respond to it emotionally, involve you in a power fight to make him admit that he lied and come up with some reason, because he then can abuse you even more, hurt you and call you names. When he lies, he calls the shots in this “own up to it game” by not admitting to a blatant lie.
There is only one way you can win this game: stop paying for the cell phone and go no contact. He’s challenging you on it, being sure that he has such a hold on you that you will never do as you threaten to do. There is one thing that narcistic and toxic abusive drama making people hate: and that’s being ignored. Nobody likes to be ignored, but a narcistic creature who lives on the emotions from others hates it the most. Even if you despair at the thought of having him out of your life 100% from your own volition… he’ll feel even more angry at you for completely ignoring him.
This is what I did to make sure that at least for a while he would even prefer to go no contact with me: I posted his profile on a warning site about who not to date, I wrote ‘fake’ on every romanic pciture of us (the ones he had on fb, mine as well), untagged him in every pic of mine, even requested friends to untag him in the pictures they have of us, deleted all my loving messages on his fb wall, deleted his on mine, warned women on his profile to get STD tested, and recently I completely blocked him, so I cannot read any comments he leaves on the fb walls of mutual friends. They all know that if I speak to them, they should not mention anything they know about him. He’s dead for me… I pushed him of an ice shelf in my mental arctic. And in fact the man I loved is equal to being dead, because he never existed.
Do you want to win a game of willpower with him? Go no contact. And you win in every respect: you’ll do what he doesn’t believe you can do, or even have a right to do… ‘ignore him’… you get to have a clearer head… you get to heal from the wounds and stress he’s creating in your life. Heck, you might even start to be happy again after a while, and really do not care a rat’s ass what happens to him anymore and to whom he’s lying, let alone what about. And then you have the ultimate win.
I went no contact 8 months ago, and haven’t regret it for a single day. The other woman he discarded me for? Well, I prefer he mucks up her life instead of mine, which I’m sure he’s doing day in, day out, night in and night out (especially the nights). Better he drains her bank account than mine. At least I’m halfway having paid off the debt (if I include the outstanding credit). Of course, I hope that one day she dumps his sorry ass, preferably sooner than later for her sake. I and other ex-es have done our duty and warned her (none had warned me). But I understand she’s under his mirror spell of a mask. He’ll probably manage to charm women for next 20-30 years and parasite on them and hurt them. By then his looks will be gone, and he won’t have a thing to fall back on… no degree, a village and family that can’t care anymore, no money, no job, a heap of women who think he’s a jerk, and several children with the law after him to pay for child support.
Milo,
that is actually an old joke that is making the rounds on line. Your spath plagiarized it. Nobody ever said a spath was original, they are all copycats.
(Hey maybe that’s why when one serial killer goes on a killing spree, it inspires the copycat serial killers…?) Interesting…
Libra,
*sigh*
I know this is new for you, but for us… well, we’ve all been there, done that.
Do you need to know that you caught him in another lie? Here’s how you know: were his lips moving?
Please understand that there is NOTHING REAL ABOUT THIS creature. He is a mythological creature that has infected your brain. Why, after he has proven to lie to you over and over and over again, do you still wonder if he’s lying now? He’s laughing at how many times he can keep playing the same old trick on you. Remember Lucy and Charlie Brown? She promised every time that she would NOT pull the football away, and Charlie Brown reluctantly believed her each time. And each time she pulled it away and he fell flat on his back.
This is why we have learned on LF that the only way to stop the spaths is to REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE. NO MORE PULLING THE FOOTBALL AWAY! NO MORE LIES. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS LIES ANYMORE. REFUSE TO LISTEN.
You are confused because normal people would not do this. He looks like a human being but he is NOT. He is 180 degrees the opposite of a human being. This is the result of suppressing his feelings to the point where he lacks feeling of any kind. Everything you observe in him is AN ACT. THERE IS NOTHING REAL. NOT ONE THING
Yes, I’m screaming. sorry. I just can’t emphasize it enough because I know you don’t believe me. You don’t believe it’s possible for a human being to exist, who doesn’t really exist. Yes Libra, it is possible and you have not only witnessed it but you’ve experienced it. You’ve had a close encounter of the third kind. You can forget about telling anyone, they won’t believe you. Only others who have experienced it will believe you. WE believe you. We KNOW. And we can guide your escape. You need to escape.
Hey MiLo,
The original of those “cleaning tips” was Erma Bombeck, the late humor writer. She was AWESOME.
Leave a vacuum in the middle of the floor and if anyone comes over say “Oh, excuse the mess, I was just cleaning” or if you are really hard core….leave a LADDER AND PAINT BUCKET and say “oh, I was just redecoratiing!” My husband’s niece who was a PERFECT SLOB and a dupe of my P son actually DID THAT….!!!!!! ROTFLMAO
Ohh, Darwinsmom that is awful! I can’t believe your ex would do that to you. Well, I can I just mean…wow! And, I like how you handled warning others about him! lol Hopefully, one day soon I will be exclaiming to future ‘possessions’ that he has an incurable disease! (Well, that is true actually lol) I think you make a valid point relating his lieing and wanting a reaction from me. However, I know he would have rathered keep his gambling stop a secret. He still is mad and angry that the phone tracked him there! lol Blames me for being controlling and tonight his solution was to remove the battery so that he could not be tracked anymore. I mean the whole damn phone doesn’t work if you do that. See, he is the one that actually suggested the ‘tracking’ and just like a spath..is forgetting that fact. You can’t just ‘track’ someone unless you both sign on and agree. If he were a caring b/f he might care that I couldn’t reach him, right? lol I know NO Contact. I’m trying. The minutes have progressed to hours..lol And, tonight he got so pizzed at me stated I never cut him a break or have anything positive to say. Wth? He hung up on me, ignored my feelings, threatened to call the cops when I tried to talk to him at his house, removed the battery from the phone, refused to talk to me, and yelled out “We are Over”. “Im done”. Sure, I feel some relief but he says things often and doesn’t follow through with them. And, just as often as he says he loves me, he says he hates me. But, at least now I can say..I tried to communicate with you and you ended it.
You are right disconnecting the phone is the next step. And, facebook to follow that. If I do one or the other he’ll utilize whichever he can to hurt me, I know that. So, they both should go at the same time. He’s done it to me before. Added a handful of girls to his Facebook when he knows I hate that and I don’t do that to him. He also defriended his own g/f..lol (me) several times. One thing I notice is he gets on fbook and posts lies there. Recently, he posted a picture of a car and said “My new ride”…he didn’t buy the car and he doesn’t own it.
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Skylar,
I’m getting there. I’m starting to see him for what he is. He is mean. Vicious. And, has very low self esteem. And, apparently this gambling thing is running deeper than I thought too. A couple of weeks ago we went together to a video poker store and when we walked in the waitress brought him a Dr. Pepper. (Without having to ask, and that is his beverage of choice) So, of course I couldn’t let that slide. I asked him “How does she know what you drink?” 2 options here, either you come here often or you flirted with her before. Of course, he got super defensive namecalled told me I was crazy and jealous. Tried to shift blame onto me. Then he said “I guess she remembers me from when I came here a couple of nights ago with my mom”. I’ve only come here twice. YEAH..right. That’s the same truckstop he got caught at yesterday!
I liked your Lucy and Charlie Brown analogy. I feel like I know the stove is hot, but I still have to touch it. 🙂 I’ve never left relationships before they’ve been beat down to nothing. And, today he threatened me all over again. And, it’s weird how that rage comes across so angry and then he forgets and doesn’t even acknowledge the threats he just made.
And, I know I fell in love with my perception of what I had hoped he would/could be. The mind is a tricky thing..or is it the heart. But, I am starting to realize he could/would never give me the relationship I want and deserve. I mean the drama this man thrives on! O M G…Btw..he was supposed to start a new job tomorrow. He was actually supposed to start this same job 2 weeks ago and 1 week before that. He showed me telephone numbers of contacts for this new company, told me he was going to have his checks mailed to my address so I could pay bills… and, I don’t think this job is real either. The more he says ‘he has a job’ the more I tend to help him until he goes offshore. Not anymore.
Thanks again
Libra –
Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run!!!!!
Sky –
You made me giggle! Your post reminded me that I had said the exact same thing to the Senior Detective who was giving evidence at a criminal hearing against Superspath last year (December actually, so a year ago).
He was being very serious and talking about how he had tried to interview Superspath and how Superspath kept threatening him and rambled all over the place with his conversation and how he couldn’t pin him down to answer any questions because he just went round and round in circles.
So I leaned in real close and said, in my most serious voice/manner, “I always know the answer by what he says because he always lies and I know how to tell that he is lying, even though he is so good at it”. The detective asks, “How can you tell?” and (of course, just like you …) I say, “Because I can see his lips moving…) 🙂
(Well, he did laugh and I wasn’t arrested, so it all turned out okay!)
Libra –
By the way, have I mentioned? Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run, Run….
Libra,
Reading your story is bringing back a lot of the feelings, thoughts etc I was going through. I married him because he said how much he loved me and that I was the one (I had a house which he wanted to make sure he could get the money from). so of course I thought because he married me he must love me so this is how he gained my trust as I saw us ‘as one’. But when he had drained me of the last of the house money he already had another woman (and I found out that he had been laying the foundations for finding someone else a few weeks prior to the house sale going through) and then he emptied my bank and went to her. I have drained myself emotionally trying to break them up over a six month period (firstly because I thought I had lost the love of my life and secondly because he left me destitute having drained me of a huge amount fo money). I couldnt cope, had no friends as he had persuaded me to move with him to a different part of the country (where he had started searching for a new relationship). Because he had persuaded me to ask my mum for a considerable amount of money previously (from my late fathers estate) saying that it would be paid back they didnt want to know as over a year had passed with no repayments and he got angy when I said anything about repaying. I was seriously close to the point of suicide and he had made out to the new woman that I was psychotic and paranoid throughout and that is why ‘he couldnt continue with the marriage’. She is spiteful and nasty to me and says I brought him to his knees emotionally and financial and I think he is actually telling her and her friends etc that everything was ‘the other way around’ and that he is the victim. I went with him sexually 3 times in the 8 weeks after leaving me for her, telling me that he was leaving her and didnt want anyone now as he felt hurt and confused (I thought he had some form of emotional detachment due to the stress of leaving the army) and was hoping this was a phase he was going thorugh. But it was just that he was struggling to get the control he needed with her (they had met on a chat site which was attached to facebook and she had not deleted the other blokes and stopped using the site). Any how, it takes a while to really see things for what they were and to let go. It seems inconceivable that the person whom we loved so much and who took that love and protection would suddenly turn on us and treat us like we were their enemies who were trying to control and harm them. My husband also had a gambling problem (which I beleive I didnt realise the extent of) and he got tense and angry if money wasnt there in abundance. The behaviour of your boyfriend is so alike its uncanny and you are definately better to stop all contact now and find a real relationship.
Thank you Mags and Aussiegirl…
Mags interesting you mention the army as well. My guy was in the army too. Says he fought in Iraq. I’m starting to question even that reality, except PTSD really seems to have affected him. Short temper, bad dreams, depressed, etc.
Yeah, I’m starting to understand what a tangled web he weaves and I see myself having amnesia after he verbally abuses me, hangs up, ignores me, threatens to physically harm me..and yet I still find sympathy for him.
Last night he took the battery out of the phone I’ve bought and the cell phone bill I pay for..if he wanted a healthy relationship he’d stop playing these ridiculous games. I realize I will never have ‘normal’ ‘easy’ ‘fair’ and ‘secure’ with him. He changes the rules of the relationship game daily and will purposelly hurt me. That’s the difference. I don’t go out of my way to intentionally cause pain to anyone.
Thank you. We will see what today brings as he is still mad the gps on the phone tracked him gambling.
If it talks and walks like an ass… it is an ass.
I’m alright, Libra… It was an event… the nightly sleep terrorisation, lies, financial abuse, the on-off switch of the sweet and then nightmare person, and a very intimate critique (which I only had as an issue because of his sperm only… bad chemistry I suppose) are the real trauma I needed to get over… the robbery was just an event. And some people here have had been put into more harm’s way than I ever was.
I’m even smiling and happy again on a plain normal day without any cause for the past 2 months. My life ain’t perfect, but I’m liking it again. I grieved over the loss perhaps a couple of days, after that came the deep anger for what he had done, as well as total despising him. But even that lessened. Because of the trauma other stuff in my life went wrong too (job, travel passion) and I felt depressed and a loser for several months too. But I followed through with therapy, started new studies, filled my time with creative short term projects and posted here and started to lessen the stress in my daily life by implementing routines and organisation, and 6 months after the end, I just felt happy again one day…. because I had peace, because I was giving myself attention and love, because I surrounded myself only with people who actually DO care about me, people I can actually trust and I can care about without it being abused.
You deserve to be happy, Libra. You deserve peace, a prospect of a future in the shape that you want it to be. You only will be able to find it when you block him totally out of your life.