If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
From one Libra to another…we need to learn to LET GO!!!
I know we don’t do it very easily and I wish we did. I have finally ended a relationshit also with a SPATH for 9 years. I moved to bali to get away from him and he insisted on coming over for holidays. My trips back home to Australia found him aloof and self obsessed. SPATH cried and pleaded with me to come back and live with him in Australia, use his car and build a strong long lasting relationship. I changed all my future plans and my business that I had just started overseas to accommodate this New committed person (finally he was saying all the things I wanted to hear….Oh Yeh!!!) Then 6 weeks before I was due to come back he stopped calling and every time I spoke with him he was shitty(usually a sign there is a another woman on the scene) So I asked the question about coming back to stay with him and the car and the life together. His response ….”I hadn’t really thought about it”.
Something shifted in me and I called him back and said “Forget me living with you, forget the car, forget our life together”.
I came back to Australia bought myself a little car to runaround in, lived with family and friends, put my house on the market (which I had previously mortgaged against to help him buy a farm). In 2 days time I head back to Bali to continue my life without this addiction. He has lied to me all the way along and always about women. For some reason I thought if I loved him enough he wouldn’t need to lie. I listened for years and years about what his ex wife did to him. In the later years I would say “But what about what you did to her”. He has been a serial cheater (thinks nothing of when he does it)
I use to care what he would say about me as I heard years of his co dependant fascination with his ex wife and his obsession about her new life and husband. I have since come to be very fond of his ex wife and have remained friends with her, She has been a great source to know it just wasn’t me. I imagine I for her as well. One positive thing in his favour is he has wonderful adult children, to whom I will always be fond of.
I just found out since returning to Australia about another woman he had an affair with when he was still coming over and seeing me. I asked him if anything was going on with her and he flat out denied it. Then it was like I found the last piece of the jigsaw puzzle. It all made sense, the removal of my photos at his farm, the night where he supposedly had no reception on his phone, her changed reaction to me on meeting again, all our friends suggesting I just walk away. They all new but didn’t want to get involved. I am so mad that I made myself so available and I let this happen for so long. I even nursed him through a nervous breakdown. I leave in 2 days to go back to Bali and he had the audacity to call and see if I wanted to have dinner with him. GRRRRRR as if!!!
My close girlfriend said “Remember….Mick means NO!!!” So any text messages get this response. I am feeling better by the day. I also feel so relieved when I don’t have any contact.
SPATHs are such intrusive people and have not one ounce of conscious. I just wish I was 12 months down the track and away from this feeling. Above all else I want to gain the respect of my daughter again who has witnessed me being treated so short of what I actually deserve. I just hope my experience has set an example of not how to get treated. So to all you people who have been effected by these type of people and survived I applaud you. Any advise is so welcome to get past the next few months where the grieving can trick you????
Libra,
The first time my ex committed violence towards me he said he thought he may have PTSD (this was when I had found an email from a woman on his iphone) but he chased me and tried to strangle me to get it off me so I didnt get to read it. (He said it was a male friend who he was talking to about stuff which he didnt want me to know about as it was personal to the male friend). Of course I didnt really believe him but he beat me down with ‘my being paranoid and controlling’. The problem was I had already invested so much moneywise into our future so I didnt just up and go or cause waves as I knew financially the loss was huge. However, I knew he was in the army as he was when I met him and knew that PTSD carries many more symptoms than violence and was sure he didnt suffer from it as this was the first real violence and had waited 2.5 years to happen, also he didnt have any problems like bad dreams etc. He did however tell me that it is common for PTSD to manifest itself suddenly after someone has just left the Army and thats why I let it go and suggested counselling to him, to which he had an excuse as he said that if he went down that road he would be jeopodising his future job as a Security Op in Afghan. He had an answer for everything. The reality was I had discovered something he wanted to hide from me (an affair or intended one) before he was ready to leave me as he hadnt secured his new victim or taken the whole amount from my house sale from my bank at that point. The on-off emotional behaviour only really kicked in properly when he was ready to leave me but as ‘She’ was on holiday with her kids and parents when I truly discovered what he had been doing he wasnt ready to go until she returned so violence escalated toward me in the 2-3 weeks before he could move in with her. That’s where I went wrong … I should have reported him (as I had bruises to prove) but he admitted to her when she rang him that he was married and she lied to him and told him she was pregnanat (but I knew she was lieing) and still waited around thinking it would go away and he would dump her. She admitted her lie when she got back of hols but he still left me to go live with her. That’s another reason why I know he is a sociopath as anything she did to get him even lies he still went but nothing I did through kindness and love and forgiveness in order to try to keep him in my life was relevant. I no longer mattered and was dead to him (his own words now) as he no longer had a ‘need’ for me. You go from being the most important and relevant being to the lowest piece of shite in just weeks and it is impossible to comprehend how this can be because you know how much effort you have put in to something that would have worked and flourished if you had been in it with a real human.
Libragirl,
Another Libra chiming in here……..There is a really good book that you can order on Amazon called: “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” I have just read this book for the second time, and what a revelation. I recommend that book for everyone on this site. It specifically talks about dating someone with PTSD and various forms of mental illnesses. And I’m not talking about the PTSD you get from being with a spath, which is fixable. The first time I read it I was straight out of a relationship with a spath. I believed myself to be the mentally ill one or at least deficient in some way. So as I was reading the book, I kept telling myself that “I” was the dangerous person. This made me feel bad. Now, four years later, with a lot of healing under my belt, I read the book again and really got the message.
A lot of readers here waffle back and forth between no contact and occasional contact because they have a small doubt that maybe their man is salvageable. For these people, I say read the book, because the book addresses this doubt.
And yes, it is so hard for us Libras – the relationship menders of the zodiac – to let go. I still even think about men I only dated 3 or 4 times in the past year, and my mind lingers on a kiss I had with a few of them. We are hopeless romantics. This is not a bad thing, but it should not be wasted on someone who cannot reciprocate – or who is not a “safe” person to be with, or even someone who is just not the right person for us.
Mags and Libra –
“My guy was in the army too. Says he fought in Iraq. I’m starting to question even that reality, except PTSD really seems to have affected him. Short temper, bad dreams, depressed, etc.”
Hmmmmmmmmm…..many, many spaths PRETEND to have a military background; it is hardly EVER true. As for that type of background “explaining PTSD” in them and excuse abusive behaviour – well, it just doesn’t, okay? I have PTSD (second bout, actually, had it 15 years back too) and I don’t abuse anyone; full stop (period).
ALL spaths have short tempers, claim to be depressed (whether or not they actually are), claim they have bad dreams (whether or not they actually do). By saying these things to us, they know that we will tolerate otherwise intolerable behaviour from them and will even go so far as to make excuses to others for their bad behaviour. Just another con, people, that’s all it is.
“he verbally abuses me, hangs up, ignores me, threatens to physically harm me..and yet I still find sympathy for him. ”
See what I mean? From someone else, we would protest or refuse being treated this way, but with them, we buy their sob-stories and feel sorry for them. Nothing but a con.
I’ve been with a psychopath for almost 8 years, been lied to, cheated, raped. He raped me after he told me he was leaving me, and when i told him he hurted me, he said: “Ã’m not a nice person, and i just didn’t feel like pretending i am”.
I’m in my 50’s and he left for a 20 year old girl, who’s got a blog on the internet, where it is clear she is very vulnerable and unstable. So the perfect new victim. I have tried to warn her, he had to admit many lies to her, but still she moved in with him and states she wants to have children with him.
This is how well psychopaths are lying, they can make you believe anything.
He took all my money, ruined my car just before he left so i couldn’t sell it anylonger, left me with debts and a trauma.
I’m recovering now, learning about what has happened and how it could happen.
Feeling very sorry for that young girl. As i know what she will be going through once he drops the mask.
@MarielouRez
Welcome to Lovefraud, I am so sorry you have been hurt by a psychopath! You will find many people here that truly understand your situation. You are much better off without the jerk! Hang in there! You will heal and overcome this! It takes time! (((Hugs)))
Hi, everyone…looks like we all share a common bond. I’m learning alot here reading everyone’s post and experiences. I’m still communicating with my Spath and wonder what’s it going to take for me to go NO CONTACT. He’s given me many occasions to end the relationship,and I get sucked right back into it. I think the worst part of dating a Spath is the verbal abuse. The tantrums. His refusal to communicate as a normal human being with normal feelings! Ahh the insanity! Some time back in December when I stood my ground and wouldn’t run out and meet him when he wanted me to…he sent me a text about ‘killing himself’ on New Year’s Eve. The very next day he acted like he never said it. (And, yes he is still living today.) lol. Since then, I have been more able to recognize the emotional manipulation for what it is..I am being held hostage to this behavior in some form. My guilt and sympathy is what seems to be keeping me here.
Well, I will continue reading and research the above mentioned book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” The ‘hook’ I think he has in me..is the ‘What If’… what if I am wrong and this is just a ‘bad time’ for him. Afterall, he’s not started his new job yet, lives with his alcoholic mother, had a bad childhood,..etc..etc..
But, just today he said a very familiar phrase to me that I’ve been hearing all year..”I have to wait for the check to clear”. That’s what I was told very often when he ‘said’ he got a check, but really didn’t.
Thank you everyone for your insight..
Oh, and I realize something about myself. I CAN get ANGRY when he treats me less than deserving, but I quickly forget about it and then it’s ‘business as usual’…what’s up with that?
Libragirl,
PLEASE give yourself a break from this jerk.
You are addicted to him and his drama. This is normal, it’s also PTSD. When a soldier comes home from war, he is on high alert and it takes a very long time to get over that. But he will never get over it if he keeps going back to the warzone. While this hyperalert status is good for a warzone, it is unhealthy in a normal social situation.
Another example is when a person retires and feels depressed. After many years of being NEEDED and USEFUL from 9 to 5, they suddenly lack any stress. But they are used to the normal stresses of a work life and the lack feels depressing.
The third example is from my own experience. I made a couple of friends last year who were very needy. For 4 months they both emailed over a thousand times with drama and urgency. I finally cut that off, but immediately felt like I was going into withdrawal.
Our levels of adrenalin are based on what is required at the time. Once that level is no longer required, it takes a while to reset our emotions lower. Drama creates that adrenalin and that is where the barometer is set. It will take TIME, to lower that barometer. During that time you will feel the need to contact him and get a “fix”. If you don’t resist, you will never lower bar.
As far as anger is concerned, I’ve learned from Kathleen Hawk that anger is a defense mechanism. It serves as a warning that we are in danger, don’t dismiss it. Listen to your anger.
Libragirl: Yes, a common bond.
You will go NC when it’s right for you.
It became ‘right’ for me when my ex spath tried to MURDER ME!
It only took me ten years to figure out that the person I loved actually hated me and wished to devour me.
In hindsight, I can look back, now, after 8 months of my NC with “IT”..despite “ITS” intrusion into my world and my ignoring it…in hindsight, I can see ALL THE RED FLAGS.
YOUR CONSCIOUS is what is keeping you in this abusive relationship. And they just aren’t worth selling your soul for.
When you have had enough of trying to put new spots on the leopard, you will move forward. Just like I did.
Keep reading here; this is the absolute BEST PLACE to educate yourself. There is more than enough information and validation, here, than you could possibly ever need to help you and show you the way to ‘healing’.
You get angry when he treats you less than deserving but you quickly forget it when he love bombs you; am I right? I have been through ten years of that and I am finished with it. The ‘roadshow’ is over. This life is about ME too; NOT just “IT”.
Hope I said something to help.
If you ever need us, we are always here.
I wish you safety; peace and that you will find your way.
*BLESSINGS*
Dupey
Libragirl, there are a few different reasons why people stay in bad relationships. One is that they really don’t completely understand that they deserve better. They are used to being treated badly and don’t know any differently. Another reason is that they feel it is better to stay in a bad relationship than to be alone – they are terrified of being alone. A third reason is that they become addicted to the person himself. When a woman has sex with someone, she bonds. It doesn’t matter if the person is Jack the Ripper or even if they’re horrible in bed. Women are designed that way. A fourth reason is that a lot of people feel that deep down their abusive partner really loves them, and if only they could be patient enough or loving enough, the abusive partner will change. I’ve been there and wasted years of my life thinking that. Let me save you the trouble. Deep down a person who treats you badly does not really care about you. Ultimately, we don’t have any other yardstick with which to measure how much someone loves us besides how they treat us and how we feel when we are around them.
I really hope you read the book. I think it will really shed some light on your situation.