If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
You have a joint account with this guy? I would end that as soon as possible or just plan to kiss all of your money good-bye.
See, to me, just the fact of a guy talking over me while I’m speaking is enough for me to say bye-bye. That in itself shows a lack of respect. You are tolerating a lot of abuse and disrespect. And if you continue, it will not end well for you (read others’ stories). You have not mentioned cheating on his part, but if he disrespects you in every other way, he would certainly do that too if he has not done so already. And yes, he would lie about it. And who is financing his lifestyle? You are.
No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You deserve so much better, Libra. No one deserves that. That is not what love is about.
Libra ~
I just need to quote some very bright, awesome people here on LF –
Star “No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You deserve so much better, Libra. No one deserves that. That is not what love is about.”
Adelle “If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.”
Then I need to quote some famous people.
Dr. Phil “How’s that workin for ya?”
Smokey the Bear “Only YOU can prevent forest fires”
Please Libra, put out this forest fire BEFORE you get burned any worse.
Hugs MiLo
Libra girl,
All he has done is “borrow” (read CON) money from you for things he wanted to buy….drugs! for one thing. He hasn’t worked. He has lied to you, youi have gone without things like utilities because he used the money for something else.
If you still have a joint account with him, CANCEL IT. You can be responible for over drafts he writes.
If you still have a phone with him CANCEL IT. He can run up hundreds of dollars in charges that you will have to pay.
DISCONNECT from him in every way possible. Contact your friends and family and get a new phone number and give it only to those you can trust to keep it private. Block him on e mail and FB….don’t give any information to any of his friends or their significant others. CUT HIM OUT of your life like a cancerous tumor! Which is what he is! (((hugs)))
Ty to all that have replied. Here is a question: Does having a gambling addiction or any other addiction mean you are a sociopath? Hence, the behaviors seem quite similar. What is the defining characteristic of a Spath? Lack of conscience, liar, irresponsibility, etc.?
Libra,
the defining characteristic is the mask. Hervey Cleckley called it the mask of sanity.
Scott Peck called them the people of the lie – that’s the title of his book. He felt that their lies were their defining characteristic.
But isn’t the mask a lie? and aren’t their lies, just part of the mask? I would say that their duplicitious nature is a huge red flag. Everything about them is a 180 degree mirror image of what normal people are, yet they hide it.
Yes, many have addictions but they are likely to hide them too. The root of spaths is narcissism and the root of narcissism is an arrested emotional development. They never wanted to grow up. They never want to be responsible. They want others to take care of them and bear their burdens.
When you take a long hard look at your spath and all he has done, you might come away with the realization that he is infantile.
Libra girl, addictions and substance abuse problems are usually secondary characteristics of spaths because they are constantly trying to fill their inner emptiness. Many of the spaths discussed here have various addictions to porn, gambling, drugs and alcohol, and of course, lying.
However, that is not the defining characteristic. The two telltale signs are chronic lying and pity ploy – getting people to feel sorry for them. If you read Martha Stout “The Sociopath Next Door”, she says that if someone lies once, it could have been a lapse in judgment. If they lie twice, maybe they are hiding something. But if they lie three times, suspect a sociopath. Read also the original article in this thread. The “gaslighting” or turning things around so it is your fault is very characteristic, also.
Reading your posts, I have no doubt in my mind that he is a dangerous person. An addiction alone can make a person unsafe to be involved with. If you get a chance, please order that book “How to Spot a Dangerous Man.” It is $10 on Amazon. It could really save your life.
Ox drover, Stargazer, Skylar, Milo, Duped…
I cancelled our joint account after we got evicted. And, I didn’t tell him I had opened a new one under my name only. He kept track of my pay day dates though and shortly thereafter, claimed he had a deposit to make and wanted to know if our ‘joint’ account was negative. (He had no intentions of depositing any money, he just wanted to see how much he could take out!) I caught on to that scheme way too slowly, but in hindsight that was his MO. The phone calls to the ‘lawyer’..omg, I was so stupid. The calls would take place after business hours, he claimed that once his lawyer picked him up from our apt. and brought him to the bank personally to find out what was going on with the ‘bank funds’. I bought it! He also claimed this lawyer allowed him to use his garage as storage for his things. I witnessed a call betweend him and the lawyer, with him telling me the lawyer wanted to buy some of his belongings and then we would be able to pay rent. I would wait and wait..and, be told “well, I’m not going to call him again, he’ll call me after work to give me the money”. I realized now those conversations have about as much of a chance as being legit as me winning the lottery!! Now, I am starting to feel quite dumb. These stories (lies) were a constant with him.
After he moved out from his moms, he had left his dog there. A couple of weeks later, he called me frantically saying ‘he had to go over there, because he said his mom told him his dog was dead’. He didn’t allow me to go, but came back in tears and sobbing…making me feel so sad for him and angry at them because he said his sister purposely killed his dog by running over it! I said, omg..nobody would do that are you sure?? He said, ‘she is evil, yes’. So, he returned with the expired dog in his truck and called a friend to see if he could bury it there. Borrowed $30 from me to buy a ‘doggy coffin’ and bury the dog. I wanted to go down and see the dog and comfort him, but he said ‘oh, no you don’t want to see this. He’s a mess’. So, I let it go.
He came back that night distraught and I comforted him for days and weeks after that. “I lost my best friend, he’d say”. “Sammy didn’t deserve this”. Time went by, and he would return to see his mother (the evil people) and I would say”How could you go there after what has happened?” I’m just trying to keep the peace he said.
A few months after that, he got a call when I wasn’t home. (Now, that I think about it I was rarely home when he got any calls.)He was super excited and happy and said you’ll never believe this ‘my mom just called and fessed up that sammy is alive. My sister stole him and kept him at her b/f’s for her daughter to play with over there’. Hurry, bring me to see if it’s sammy. I was astonished and horrified, but happy for him if this miracle had taken place. And, low and behold it did. He went there and Sammy ran right out of the front door. Now…because of this relationship I don’t know which end is up anymore???? Could this have really happened? Or, is he just a delusional liar??? And, now I do feel a bit crazy!..lol
Wow, he invented that story just to get $30 from you? I can believe it. Sounds like a card-carrying sociopath to me. No one but a sociopath would concoct such a story to exploit someone for $30. I’m sure if you dig, you will find all kinds of things you probably don’t want to know that he lied about. Did you then ask him for your $30 back since there was no burial? My guess is that if you did, he got angry at you and turned it back on you like you should be ashamed for asking.
And what pet cemetery charges only $30? Such a random amount anyway.
Ohh.. Stargazer I’m sorry I totally forgot a very crucial part of the story! When he said he went to his moms house after she initially called him because the sister ran over the dog…he claimed to actually have an expired dog in his truck. He claimed to bury it. When he told me Sammy was alive..the story got better. The dead dog he supposedly buried was one that was bought for his sisters kid and instead of telling her daughter that the dog died, she stole SPATH’s dog for her instead. I don’t know..just writing this I see how screwed up it all is..
I don’t think his main objective at the time was the $30. I’m an avid dog lover and he knew this. I think he was trying to strengthen my hatred for his family and play on my sympathies.And, it worked~
But, I will say this. While Sammy was supposedly dead…I often drove him to his moms house and I was always told..’wait in the car’ due to her drunken binges. I heard 2 dogs barking once from inside and questioned him about it.. he claimed to not know what I was talking about. (his mom has a dog too) And, yes Stargazer! Any questioning I did to validate facts or $ I gave him..yes, it was such a bother. And, I would get anger from him.
Wow, Libragirl, this is worse than a plot from a really bad soap opera. The drama is really off the scales! Can you imagine what your life will be like without it? Much more peaceful I imagine. I have such a low tolerance for this kind of stuff. Just a guy talking over me would be enough for me to end a relationship. But I was not always like this. I paid my dues with some real crackpot men too.