If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Thank you for sharing Skylar. I can see how his letter might have moved you. It’s still too early in the game for me to not have been wise enough to not respond. Today was DAY2 of no contact. And, since I didn’t turn off the phone (I know! I know!) he waited until the end of the day to send an “I love you and miss you” text. And, I did good by not responding to that..but, then he called. 🙁 I answered and he changed in a flash. He said, “I was just calling to say I’ll put the phone in the mail since you won’t respond to any of my texts.” (aggitated voice) And, so here I go..what r you saying? Is that an apology? NO! F*** no! I’m not calling to apologize. I hate everything about you. I’m not always the one wrong B****! I said, “You lied to me and didn’t tell me where you were going the other day and WHY you were going there”. He says, “Eff you”. Click, hung up. OMG!!! I clearly see I am getting nowhere with this jerk. However, I got riled up trying to convince him he owed me an apology or conversation of somekind about his jumping out of the car the other day, walking home, threats, etc. NADA. I got the f u.
I think the worst part of my Spath is the failure to understand consequences. I mean, I just handed him over $80 and the same day he lied. He seems to have no correlation between right and wrong and isn’t learning from his mistakes. And, I guess we can throw ‘lack of conscience’ in there too since he obviously has none.Oh, and ya know what response he gives me alot..”whatever”.
to have been wise enough to not respond.
Libra girl,
“Wise enough not to respond.” That is the answer completely. You WILL NOT get anywhere with him because (you are right) he has no conscience and does not equate behaviors with consequences.
Forget your money, it is gone. Forget an apology. Forget him getting that what he has done is wrong. forget him admitting he is wrong. Forget getting closure from him.
You can only get closure from yourself. NO CONTACT means that YOU are in control not him. When YOU are in control then you have taken it out of his hands and put it into your hands.
He will then try his damnedest to get control back from you.
NO CONTACT is the ultimate punishment for them. USE IT!!! ((hugs)))
LibraGirl
I just caught up on your whole story – I have been off of LF for a few weeks.
I am one of the more RECENT no-contact people. I struggle with it too. I remember the first day, two days, weeks, months. I failed, picked myself up again, failed, etc.
He will try to contact you.
You will want him back.
It will happen.
I think the investigative work you’ve done will help set you free.
My spath lied like crazy. I mean, in your face outrageous lies just like yours. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t register, until I figured out WHAT THE LIES MEANT. It isn’t about the lie or the bullshit story he just gave you, or the $30 that you lost.
It isn’t about the lie. It’s about WHO HE IS, which is an evil, disordered person that can not change. The lies will never, ever stop.
I can’t recommend enough that you read the SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR and all the related books that pop up on Amazon.
I also think it’s great that you have access to his cell phone records. Can you look at who he is calling, when, online?
I have pages and pages and pages of proof of my spath’s lies and cheating. Years of it. I needed the proof. I didn’t trust my own eyes. Day by day I heard him say “x” to me, and then I watched what he did.
The lies are there to HURT YOU. That’s what he gets off on.
HURTING YOU ON PURPOSE.
He is a spath. There is no doubt about it.
((HUGS))
Athena
Thanks for your wishes New Beginning!
May it seed one new thought some where for all of us.
Thanks to Henry, too…..wherever you are….
Dupey
xxoo
SHALOM: YOU ARE THE TOO KOOL FOR SKOOL ONE!
*hugs ~ dupey xxoo
Sky and Libra
I actually cannot fully read the lie stories that Libra writes… I read it diagonally, to get the gist. When I read it more thoroughly, it feels like I’m back trying to make sense of the lies my ex-spath told me: the IPod, the robbery, all the stories to get money out of me and how it changed all the time, the stuff he lost, the stuff he supposedly broke, etc, etc… He once called me supposedly from jail, after he had to fight off a supposed burglar, and put him in a coma and in the hospital. The guy pulled through. By summer that had been a lie, because he was in jail for being a bad parent who didn’t pay for his son that he hadn’t known existed until he arrived back from Belgium. And yet he told me I met the mother of his child, living with his mother when I once visited there with him for 15 mins. And didn’t I recall he was mad then? Well that was because he wanted to know what she was doing, living in his mom’s house (he calls it “his” house too). Then he revealed he had known months earlier that she was pregnant, but that he thought she had aborted it. I actually did remember a young woman there, a pregnant woman (poor thing). All of his stories had large gaps and holes in it.
I’ve noticed that they commonly are full of holes and gaps and also often very incredulous and dramatic. Once, you’re out they are such obvious lies… but when you’re told these, they have the effect of reeling you in, because it gets you to invest time and energy in trying to understand and unravel them. By the time you’ve made any sense of them (if you ever did) or realize they’re most likely untrue, they’ve already got the money out of you. And then next time they need money, they’ll use the previous lie again, but the story changes somewhat, a little bit more reasonable, and they’ll even tell you that the previous version was a bit of a lie, trying to make you believe they’re telling the truth this time.
Oh and he had a “lawyer” too, who was working on his divorce papers (he was divorced, but only in the US, not Nicaragua). That lawyer had a gambing issue. My ex-spath often had me call with the lawyer and agree to money terms for teh papers and have me tell me the progress on those papers. The past couple of months suddenly there was an issue, even though the lawyer had said in December they were finished and that he was divorced. The lawyer said in March that there had been some mistake and it would take more time. But by then my ex-spath had hooked a new victim, or was in the process of hooking her enough to pay his tickets to fly off to London. Once I learned of her and how they were together already for a month and she had agreed on taking him to London, I realized the lawyer had most likely deceived me too, that he was in on the lies… and got a personal fee for it, and that some of the money probably was given to my ex-spath (I tried to give money to the people he was to pay off directly, instead of him). Not sure whether he married the London victim by now or not. If he did, then that’s because I paid for his divorce.
I’m not telling you this to feel guilty, Libra. I’m telling you this because it’s just TOTALLY similar.
You know what I think about his lies?
a) he smearcampaigned his mother and family so you would never meet them and could hear the truth from them
b) he probably did got into a fight with his mom who evicted him (and most likely she had her reasons for it), or may quit giving him any money… so he used that to get to live with you and parasite on you.
c) the furniture was never moved, but he concocted the story to get money out of you and/or get away from you to go do his thing (gambling or whatever)
d) his offshore work was a lie, to explain longer absences and do his thing. I doubt that would have been gambling. It seems more likely this was to go on a prowl for new victims. Meanwhile he noticed how it made you help him out, investing for him, so he used it as another more believable reason for you to give him money (instead of another dead dog). More, it made it easier to get the rent money from you to do his thing with, since you believed he’d pay the rent. As he pretended to be more responsible, you gave him more leeway.
As for the phone call…. He tried to trap you out of No contact with the text message first, to make you call him. When that didn’t fly, he called you himself (as if trying to make an effort). You fell for it, but as soon as you did, he used it to hurt you. Next time, he’ll text again, call again, call some more until you pick up the phone. The result will be the same though.
Right now it’s about who discards who first. He wants to win and discard you first with as much damage he can possibly do.
I don’t think he’ll be disconnecting the phone first or send it via mail.
Darwinsmom, Callmeathena, Ox Drover..
The stories are so very similiar. Who would have thought a lawyer was a common theme? But, if you hear ‘lawyer’ somehow we trust easier..(kinda the irony of the word lawyer lol) I could never even mastermind what my Spath has been doing to me and others. I think you are onto something Darwinsmom with the smearcampaign. When we first met, he never had anything positive to say about his mom/sister. I had to push after dating a few months to finally even meet her. I was allowed a brief introduction and that was about it. He constantly feared that he would be embarrassed by her he said.
I really wish in the beginning I would have paid more attention to the gambling problem. I mean, I knew it was becoming a problem. But, who knows how long it was there? I’d work 8-10 hours a day and come home and he’d be ready to go play video poker with our last $20. I should have realized it then. But, I felt secure(at the time) that we had made an agreement to not gamble without each other. Looking back, and catching him going alone twice since, I realize that promise was empty. I also kept leaving him cash for things he said he needed and he would never come back with a receipt. It would make me mad, but there was nothing I could do. My money, and nothing I could do. Afterall, “when I pay you back and give you money I won’t ask you for receipts”.
He did work offshore for 5 days..he couldn’t handle the entire 7 as scheduled. Said, he was sent home because of an infected hand. He had some open bump on his hand that had been there since we met and I guess if he got creative he could say it was questionable ‘staph’. I do know with 100% confirmation that I dropped him off at the Heliport and Picked him up. So, out of all the details regarding my Spath I actually can confidantly confirm he did work..that one week anyway. 😉
Tonight, I am disappointed in myself that I didn’t cancel the phone right after the argument. I mean that’s just asking for a weak apology. And, he’s made that clear he’s not giving that anyway. And, after he was rude again tonight and uncaring etc. he had the nerve to ask me for meds. to help him rest. Yes, when all is said and done, that is all he truly wants from me. Months back I made the mistake in bringing him home some meds from work. Since that time, he used that favor I did for him against me. Threatened to call my job, etc. Even took photos of the meds when I said I would no longer bring them to him. He would say “Oh, you know I would never do anything like that to you, I’m just mad”. That’s the first time I truly realized what kind of person I was dealing with.
More to come..
Footnote:
After I didn’t run out to bring him what he wanted. Hours later I got a text “You called”? I didn’t respond so his next response “I’m turning the phone back off”.
Geeze..
Libragirl, did I read correctly that you are illegally obtaining drugs from your job? Really bad idea and, of course, not legal.
Also, if this guy worked offshore even for 5 days, he should have made a ton of money. I would suspect there are other addictions beyond drugs and gambling – sex addiction seems really common in this scenario, whether it is to porn or live women.
You have the option any time of going no-contact with him and cutting off his phone/text/email access. He may not go without a fight. He may stalk, harass, and threaten you or worse. Domestic violence counselors can be very helpful in dealing with this, as can many people on LF who have dealt with it.
The choice is yours. Your posts read like a long episode of All My Children on steroids. As mind blasting as it is to read, I’d much rather read that you have a peaceful, drama-free life. But only you can decide you want that.