If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
onelukygurl
Hi everyone…
Ive had NO CONTACT, so this post is not about the aftermath of having contact…PHEW!
Instead, Im just doing some thinking about things that happened. One thing in particular was how, after my ex spath went to therapy he suddenly viewed himself a ‘better’ and as a person who ‘dealt with my shit so I could be the man I needed to be for us.”
He went to therapy because he got a DUI and had to be evaluated! In the process of this evaluation, ‘something’ happened (according to his version) and he had a melt down. The facilitator encouraged him to see someone individually. In any case…
After his therapy experience (which he has had PLENTY OF in his life apparently), he was a new man-yippee, yahoo…CURED 🙂
Problems that arose then were no longer attributed to HIS nuttyness, but rather MINE, according to him! I cant tell you how many times in a year that I was ‘encouraged’ to ‘go see someone to deal with your stuff.” Thats great advice A-HOLE!
I find things ironic…like the text he wrote-
him-“Im just not as enthusiastic as I used to be about us”
me-“Ok”
him-“Ok????”
him-“we should talk about this later”
Cant…stop…giggling…right…now…
Ox Drover
Star and Libra girl, Star’s advice to you is right on the money Libra. It is impossible to be in a relationship that is “right on” when you are doing things that are dishonest as welll…Sure, you got SKINNED when he took your money and spent it for God knows what, but if you are engaging in illegal activities like bringing drugs home from work (which I assume) are illegal to do, then you are setting yourself up…just like he threatened to black mail you.
Libra girl, we must be honest ourselves and then insist that anyone we deal with is also honest as well. If someone is dishonest with others they will be dishonest with YOU.
Star is right you must cut off contact with him 100% if you are going to live a life free of Drama and pain. It is up to you what kind of life you want to live. When you are ready you can do it! God bless.
Ox Drover
LUKY GIRL, congratulations on the NO CONTACT!!!! You get a big TOWANDA for your efforts! Good for you.
ValleyGirl
Today marks one year of no contact with spath! It was hard at times but such a relief to be at the point I am now. He did try & contact me but eventually just gave up. Also since I had made the mistake of helping him get a job with my company, I had to see his car every day, and ran into him on a couple of occasions. Fortunately, he didn’t bother me at work because I think he was afraid I would get him fired. The day I learned he had quit was a very happy occasion! I am very grateful that even though my co-workers did not know the extent of his sociopathy they still rallied around me, and protected me.
One unexpected consequence of the healing process was that I ended a 17 year friendship, because I did not feel supported by or able to trust my closest friend anymore. Even though I miss her and feel bad about the way it came about, I know she was a toxic presence in my life and I am trying to move forward.
I mean no disrespect to the Civil Rights struggle, but since MLK day represents overcoming oppression many of you here will understand that Dr. King’s words “Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty I’m free at last” have special meaning to us –
onelukygurl
Vallley Girl:
FAN-TASTIC JOB!!! It is such a relief to look back at the ‘thens’ and be so happy about the ‘now’. Youre MLK quote is so fitting…and so true.
Great job!
ValleyGirl
Thank you Lucky! I feel lucky too that I have learned so much about myself and the past. I did learn that my uncle, who I was very close to since he was only 4 years older than me, was a spath and that is how I became “conditioned” to overlook the red flags. I noticed them, but let them wave away because I didn’t know what they meant. I never understood why my uncle had the ability to manipulate me and other family members, but it all makes much more sense now. I am also still struggling with my dad’s personality. I do not want to label him as a narcissist, but he is certainly high in narcissistic qualities. The important thing is knowing who I am, and setting boundaries of how I will allow others to treat me. I am very careful now about who I let be part of my life. It’s an ongoing challenge but I’m much stronger than I was!
Ox Drover
Valley Girl, congratulations on one year of NO CONTACT!!!! That is great and you diserve a BIG TOWANDA!!!!!! Glad he left the company too. They do move on to new locations eventually! (((hugs)))
ValleyGirl
Thanks Oxy, I do owe you and many other long-time posters Hens, Aloha Traveler, etc.) here much gratitude for your words of wisdom and comfort. I found this site just 4 days after going NC and I was totally bewildered by what had just happened. Eventually the fog cleared and I was able to understand what had happened, and even to some degree why it happened. I am grateful too that my experience was not as intense as many others have gone through. It DID change me in some ways, but it did not change who I am at my core, and just recently I realized it did not destroy my capacity to love! It just made me less of a target for those who might pretend to love me. So thanks all who post here, and to all newcomers, keep learning but also KEEP GOING!
Ox Drover
ValleyGirl,
Good for you, that is what this “journey” is all about…trying to learn how we can heal ourselves and protect ourselves in the future. It is not something we wish had happened, but since it did, we can use it as a learning experience.
Congratulations again on your journey! TOWANDA!!!!
skylar
Luky girl and Valley Girl,
Congrats to both of you on a successful NC. Beware though, that they will continue to pop up just when you think they’re gone. They’re like a bad horror film.
Mine has been sending me emails for the last month. He’s been using the charm, and the pity ploy. I expect when he ramps it up it will be a message that he is in the hospital dying of something. Or he will rage at me.
In his whole life, I’ve never NOT answered him for a whole month. The only reason he had stopped bothering me for the last 2 years was because I pulled his mask off each time he tried to contact me – by telling him he is a spath and offering helpful hints on how not to be a spath anymore. He REALLY didn’t like that.
Not replying is a whole new ballgame for both of us. I get the feeling it isn’t going to work. He’ll probably see it as a challenge. That’s ok, because I have plan B ready if he shows up: I’ll agree to speak with him if he agrees to write 100 times, “I will not be a psychopath anymore.”
😛