If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Yep, LOVE FRAUD FOREVER!!!!!! The BEST of the BEST!!!!!
OxDrover you’re right about this site.
I do want to thank you and everyone here for their kind words, I’m very very down today. Feeling extremely stressed and fearful. I’m not sleeping or eating I feel sick physically and emotionally. I appreciate your support and will be back a lot in the next 45 days sadly I know I will need to.
Wow. Since I seem to be a magnet for both sexes of sociopaths, this will go up on my wall.
I lived with a Narcisstic Sciopath for more than 14 years. He came across as the sweet, honest, boy next door type. I saw the Jeckle and Hyde side only 3 times…it was years before I realized his modesty was totally false.
The intense eye contact, the first few years he would watch me, with such love on his face. I thought it was sweet. By the end of the relationship, when he sat down, took both my hands in his and looked deep into my eyes, my main thought was “Boy, this lie is going to be a WHOPPER!” It was. It was also the end of my ever trying to believe in him again. I didn’t realize at that time he was a sociopath, but my world caved in as I allowed myself to finally admit I wasn’t imagining his behavior was abnormal.
It can take years for all of those signs to appear. If you come from an abusive background, it’s difficult to recognize it unless the abuser is physical or overtly abusive. He was subtle. He almost killed me, and if he had, he would have walked away free. As it is, he is out there, with no consequences from his treatment of me what-so-ever. Nothing we can do.
One thing I do to protect myself is just delete the liars out of my life. They may not be sociopaths, but I need people in my life I can trust, not make excuses for.
As to whether sociopaths are human…I remember a time thinking my darling husband had been taken over by the “pod people”! If we’d had a basement, I would have checked it for weird growths, he didn’t even KISS the same. I also grew up with a boy who was obviously a sociopath (although I didn’t know the word at that age) from the time he was a toddler. Any time I had to visit, I would stuff my pockets with things to trade for whatever animal he was torturing that day.
I’ve worked with wild animals, some of the big predators. Their behavior was more humane. I see sociopaths as vampires, the undead, maybe they look like us, but they feed off our lives. They aren’t all killers, but they all will kill the joy in your life for their own gratification. In MY definition (not speaking for anyone else) they are not human. If I had a choice between being locked in a cage with a hungry tiger and my ex, I’d choose the tiger.
I disagree with some of what Charlotte posted.
I question her use of the words….so-called Sociopaths.
Are you questioning the diagnosis? Or, do you believe with or without a diagnosis, the behaviors are okay? The pain inflicted is chosen pain?
Please keep in mind…..some have choices some DO NOT.
Children for example…..due to age and lack of ability to process…..DO NOT have choices to remove themselves from a Sociopaths influence. The damage the toxic person causes on their own children….the mind farks, the abuse, the neglect…….is NOT A CHOICE.
It’s only when a child grows and has the ability, financial means and support and enlightenment that they can ‘see’ and seek help to process their past.
Yes….in a lot of instances, I had choices and I chose poorly.
I must take the responsibility for these choices.
BUT…..It wasn’t my choice to be lied to and live in a portrayed marriage…..when I thought I was living a parallel life with my partner.
It wasn’t my choice to be told he was abused, as I shared by choice, my abuse as a child……to be manipulated and conned into connecting with this person. I was 13….how would I know different? He conned me into trusting him, by sharing experiences of childhood abuse……he designed his con.
I DO NOT carry my victimhood around….as a trophy or anything else…..I am NOT a victim…..I AM A SURVIVOR.
And YES….I will tell you, based on my research AND my personal experience that they DO NOT HAVE A CONSCIENCE darling! People with consciences….DO NOT behave in the fashion I have witnessed first hand.
Whether or not they can heal……IS NOT MY PROBLEM! My healing and my childrens safety IS my problem.
I will never give love or compassion or my preciious time to the Sociopaths that have ‘touched’ my life. I will throw dirt, if they come ANYWHERE NEAR ME……I will never wait to be buried by them…..handing them the shovel to dig with….NEVER….I’m NOT A FOOL!
Yes, these Cluster B’s have pain, deep rooted, UN DEALT WITH ISSUE, shame and low self esteem…….
BUT THIS IS NOT A LICENCE TO HURT OTHERS……..IT DOESN”T HELP HEAL THEIR PAIN……IT SERVES NO PURPOSE!!!
THEY ALSO have choices…..to heal, to address, to be nice, to con, to inflict, to hit, to steal, to rape, to molest and to harm others…….NOTHING other than THEM makes them do these acts…..just like NOTHING can aid their healing……it’s THEIR CHOICE…..and historically……THEY WILL BURY THEIR PAIN AND TRY TO RUN FROM THE HARD STUFF>>>>>>
Because it appears the easy route ……..
SO…..HIS DRIVE TO HURT OTHERS….IS NOTHING I CAN FIX IN HIM!!!!! NOR WILL I TRY……
WHat I will do is expose his behaviors……EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM…..and CHOOSE NOT to keep his secrets……NOw I know…..
And I will work on ME….CHOOSING to learn the ‘why’ I got to ‘today’ and what it was in me that allowed some of this…..to ensure my future is filled with loving REAL, CARING, LOVING, GENUINE, NON PERFECT HUMAN BEINGS.
Human beings who accept and give love. Care when others are hurting, NOT ensuring they are the ones to inflict the pain, for their OWN SICK REASONS THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DEAL WITH!
Your statement “In my grandmother’s day, it was called “wallowing in self-pity”. There’s a time for commiserating and mourning, and a time to move on.
So….who are YOU to judge at what stage each poster is who comes to LF? Mourning? Commiserating? Processing? Learning? Getting it out, because they have no one else?
And you have the balls to insinuate…..Wallowing in self pity?
Are you aware of the stages of GRIEF? I believe most AUTHENTIC posters who come here are grieving….AND at different stages, and I think it’s audacious of you to come on and judge, especially if you have walked in these shoes. Did judgement help YOU?
Was your grandmother around to slap you upside the head with the wallowing in self pity comment….or did she nurture you and guide you at points?
I believe we are where we came from……it’s not to say we need to wear it on our sleeve……but we can NEVER forget, and YES…the clock don’t stop ticking for any of us….and if we CHOOSE to have a better life….WE must seek it…..WE MUST HEAL……but EACH minute we move on……because of the ‘clock thing’.
Glad you have risen above your abuser….and never wallowed….It seems your doing well these days and have the recipe for healing and forgiving down……
I hope YOUR KIDS are not CHOOSING to be damaged by a SO-CALLED SOCIOPATH these days……
I don’t think all the prayers in the world could help a Cluster B! And I could give a rats ars to waste my time or memory space praying for him…..My prayers go to my kids and I and others in the world who have been inflicted pain and WISH to survive and be healthy.
JMHO.
Sorry to go on and on about my current situation but something just came to mind. RE his socio ex, he never says anything even close or similar to the ugly things he says to me about my personality or about things that I do. But her he will say typically admirable things and the negative things will be overlooked because those are her quirks. Very strange.
Zen, what you’re feeling and experiencing is normal. You are experiencing a grieving process. Keep talking, keep posting. Soon, you’ll begin feeling anger – again, quite normal.
Most of all, your situation sounds similar to mine with my ex: please, please consider developing an exit strategy. If he makes overt displays of anger, be advised that it is quite possible that he will become physical.
Buttons,
YES – I have “LEARNED” that… but there was a time when I didnt know that and couldnt wrap my head around that…
I wanted to “help” and “please” and be “ever so understanding” and tried erroneously to do things to get him to change…etc.
I have moved on…I have changed… I continue to learn and grow…what got me in the mess with him in the first place was a combination of not knowing myself (strengths and weaknesses) as well as not knowing people like him existed – and finally not having the tools to deal with someone like him.
I think my “make-up” allows me to feel pity for people who dont get to realize the full potential of a good healthy life. But my compassion stops there. We are all solely responsible for ourselves and choosing to make positive differences on those whose lives we can enlighten. We cannot enlighten the life of a Sociopath — perhaps in time over the next hundreds of years — education, awareness and medical/therapeutic treatments may be able to stop some low level ones in their tracks and through education there may be less and less supply out there for some of them!! Maybe!!!!!!!!
Zen, do not apologize for venting – don’t apologize for ANYthing that is truth, honesty, and real. I still catch myself apologizing for things and that was part of the Victim Training 101 – we’re responsible for everything. Not so….remain vigilant.
God love ya, Learning!
Buttons,
I am always apologizing for real (minor) and imagined things that all of any and all of our problems are my fault. Always my fault, so it is conditioning!
Funny my son told me this a.m. to stop letting myself be bullied and that I used to be a much more assertive person. More in control than not, I lost myself along the way somewhere.
And the odd thing too even in light of all the negative even the $ if he had handled the situation differently, his words had they been sweet and loving I probably would gladly stayed fool that I am.