If your new romantic interest exhibits all or most of the following behaviors, be careful. He or she might be a sociopath.
1. Charisma and charm. They’re smooth talkers, always have an answer, never miss a beat. They seem to be very exciting.
2. Enormous ego. They act like the smartest, richest or most successful people around. They may actually come out and tell you that.
3. Overly attentive. They call, text and e-mail constantly. They want to be with you every moment. They resent time you spend with your family and friends.
4. Jekyll and Hyde personality. One minute they love you; the next minute they hate you. Their personality changes like flipping a switch.
5. Blame others. Nothing is ever their fault. They always have an excuse. Someone else causes their problems.
6. Lies and gaps in the story. You ask questions, and the answers are vague. They tell stupid lies. They tell outrageous lies. They lie when they’d make out better telling the truth.
7. Intense eye contact. Call it the predatory stare. If you get a chill down your spine when they look at you, pay attention.
8. Move fast. They quickly proclaim that you’re their true love and soul mate. They want to move in together or get married quickly.
9. Pity play. They appeal to your sympathy. They want you to feel sorry for their abusive childhood, psychotic ex, incurable disease or financial setbacks.
10. Sexual magnetism. If you feel intense attraction, if your physical relationship is unbelievable, it may be their excess testosterone.
For more on this topic, see Donna Andersen’s book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.
Skylar!! You made my eyes ‘sting’ with tears when I read your post! I am just starting to understand what it is he is truly wants from me. The pity ploys with him are HUGE! He said, just tonight “My sister won’t bring me to work. I’m just going to wash my hands of all of this”. (and, you know there is an underlying meaning in that statement) Then more of “You don’t know my life, what it’s like to live with an alcoholic mother.” ” I’ll give up on everything. Keep the ciggs. I’m not going to work”.
Blah blah blah..you cry baby! (There I said it..lol ) And, u S.O.B. I don’t smoke! haha
I need to break the Marty role. For the first time I can actually say I no longer want this relationship. That’s saying a lot for me. I may still be here dealing with it..but, I feel like I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
That is awful, Skylar that your Spath tried to harm you! I am glad you broke free from that abuse. I am hopeful I will also. And, that is exactly how I feel and what keeps me hooked..I feel he is ‘helpless’ had a ‘bad childhood’..and ‘needs me to help’.
Libra,
he won’t go to work and it will be YOUR fault for not giving him a ride. Or his sister’s fault. Everyone will be responsible except him. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a spath. And just because he has no money or car doesn’t mean he isn’t “cheating” on you. (that’s in quotes because I sure as hell hope you aren’t still sleeping with him!).
They are masters of manipulation and there are many women out there who will give him the sacrificial love he requires.
My spath’s brother, before he died in a car accident, was a huge meth addicted loser. But he had 6 different children by 6 different mothers. He was charming and everyone loved him. Most often he would be living with his mom and step dad, sometimes with a pregnant girlfriend.
They are amazing in their abilities to take and take and take from anyone who will give. I wonder who all is living at his mom’s house now?
Edit: I meant “who all is living at your spath’s mom’s house now?”
Libra,
I totally concur with Sky. It is all calculated! AND callous. MY ex-spath would play the same promise cards about getting money on his own too to me… If I’d just buy him this and the next day that, and bring him to work… it was always 20$ this, never huge amounts. And it was all to help him get independent and make something out of his life so that he could pay me back. After a long while though, the total sum of what I had spent was one where I needed to get a personal loan. He used that as an argument too… I had invested so much already, what was gonna 20$ hurt.
BUT when he did have money he NEVER paid it back, nor really. He would “reinvest” it, or he told me he bought the groceries but then the next day he just bought them with a tab that I had to pay, or he’d blatantly tell me that he stole some of the groceries and was “helping to stay in budget” (Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!) etc, etc…
I DID not want to get involved with him initially when he started to lovebomb me. Heck I did not even want to be around him when I first noticed him. I even rejected him, told him he was a ‘bad boy’ and I was over bad boys. He altered his mask into that of the diamond in the rough, with huge puppy eyes, someone who wanted to change his life for the better, but had reputation of his youthful stupidity against him (aka the whole village). And all my reserves melted away at an instant. I at least wanted to be HIS only true friend who would defend his honour. Lasted 2 days, before I practically jumped him. And he would get me EACH time again with his pity ploys.
Libra;
If you value ‘HIM’ more than YOU…..you will remain on this hamster wheel forever.
Only YOU can decide when you’ve had enough and are tired of living in this fashion.
HE WON”T CHANGE!
Trust me….and others who have told you this…..I spent 28 years trying to ‘hold out’ in case I was wrong. HOYVAY!
Are you worth spending your life with an unemployed bum?
Are you worth handing over your hard earned money to this person?
Are you worth being lied to…..and remaining vigilant to ‘catch’ him in lies to prove to yourself you were right?
You are worth more, but the issue here is……YOU MUST BELIEVE IT!
It doesn’t matter if he ‘is’ or ‘isnot’ a spath…..diagnosis is redundant whether you stay or go…..he’s toxic, he’s lazy and he’s a liar…….Isn’t that enough?
THEY DON”T CHANGE!!!!!
I found out about most of my husbands covert actions/behaviors AFTER I BOOTED HIM, for an intolerable action he performed with our children. Once I walked away…..the floodgates opened…..keeping me WAY away!
Don’t ever discount a toxic person……I always thought, even leaving my marriage, that the spath didn’t cheat……OKAY…..my eyes were opened….not only did he cheat with women the whole 28 years….he ‘cheated’ with young girls and boys AND men! So, you ask…..are animals out of his realm…..HA~ there is NOTHING I wouldn’t believe at this point about the spath I was with for the majority of my life!
These stories resonate throughout LF. Believe it. NEVER discount anything……
Heck, I just noticed him today telling a HS ‘friend’ of his to tell her 12 year old-severely autistic son…….”GIVE NOAHLISCHIOUS A HUG FROM ME”……..YIKES!!!!!! PUKE! SICK FUCK! I never saw THIS behavior when we were together……why….because I WAS BLIND!
I never saw the letters referring to him in a pet name from 12 year old girls saying I wish you could hold me forever.
I never saw him have sex with men…….
I never saw him deal drugs on a LARGE level……
I never saw him cheat.
But it all happened. To me and others here. THEY DESTROY LIVES!
It is 4 years ago today…..that I finally had my health and courage to boot him for the LAST TIME. Shortly after, I went NC……and took back my life. It’s a long haul…..but life does get better!
Your ex is giving you enough red flags shot up into the air to make you run……if you were smart…..you’d run, cut off ALL CONTACT. No excuses…..>ALL CONTACT! No cell phones, texts, calls, messages, emails or personal visits. No feeling sorry for him, no crumbling.
You’ve got the support here……to get through it…….USE IT!
Good luck!
EB
Libragirl72 –
‘I have spent some time self reflecting and realize it’s hard for me to say no and have someone (anyone) that I can help go without. ”
You can help YOU. Instead you are saying “No” to YOU! And YOU are going without; so, you CAN say “No”, after all….just so happens that you are saying it to the wrong person 🙁
Straighten up and fly right girl. We are all here to help – this isn’t even one of those loads you have to carry all on your own – there is so much good, solid, reliable support here. Like EB said, USE it. x
When I first heard the word “sociopath” I had no clue what it meant. I was dating a man for nearly a year and a dear friend of mine finally told me to Google the word and I will admit at first I was in complete denial. Several months had passed and I revisited this website and read more, which is when I came to terms with “what really was” and battling every emotion that comes along with it.
I blamed myself for everything wrong in the relationship, at times I still do. He would always accuse me of playing victim when I would be on the other end of the phone crying and apologizing for something I wasn’t even sure was my fault or that I did anything wrong at all. I gave this person access to my life: he had passwords to my email, phone records, would go through my phone and delete numbers of friends. I would take videos and pictures to prove to him I was somewhere like the grocery store. He made me believe I had no friends and either they all wanted to sleep with me or with him. All the while he was lying to me about everything. He would tell me how I was his soul mate and wanted to marry me but yet keep me a secret, like he lived two different lives. One minute he loved me and I was the best thing to ever happen to him and the next he hated me, I was a sneaky snake, and every word you can imagine.
I have good days and bad days. Today is a bad day! I come home every day and check my condo for anything out of place, my bed for fiber glass because he threatened to put fiber glass in my bed before. At one time I tried to end the relationship, changed my phone number, deleted my email account but he would still call my job. When I finally answered he made a comment about how he would chloroform me after work if I didn’t answer. I had no idea what that was and he told me to Google it, so I did and when I called back I told him I hoped he was kidding and he laughed. When I would try cutting off contact he would then try to go through my teenage son by texting and emailing him apologizing for his action but blaming other people for it and asking him to tell me that he loves me. He had this passionate hate form my kids dad and would tell me how he wished he would just die or how easy it would be to have him killed, he made comments about having my ex’s parents hurt, one night out at dinner he went into detail about how easy it would be to dispose of a body at the landfill where he works.
I was so embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it but deep down I also wanted to believe that there was good in him. I mean something had to have attracted me to him. It was when my ex called to confront me about this guy and his past that made me do some digging of my own. My ex was concerned with the well being of our four children. I knew he had been to prison but it wasn’t for what he had told me. Since there are records made public I did my own search. I refused to talk to him and tried to stay away from my condo that night because he was notorious for just showing up at my job or residence. He kept texting me telling me he was at my place to let him explain, sending me pictures of the court papers. One of them even stated in a previous drug case that was dismissed the prosecution lead witness was murdered so they had no more case. I never judged him for the things he did in his past or how he treated me but he accused me of awful things and put me down, he was jealous of my own son, he would want me to make stories up to the cops so my ex would be put in jail.
He blamed his past on me, he blamed him being diabetic on me, he told me that it was none of my business what goes on in his life and that he didn’t trust me that I would “throw him under the bus” that I was the crazy one. And for a period of time I believed him. It has been a almost two months since I have talked to him. The last time we spoke I was angry, I was the angry one for once and had went to the police to get him to go away. A week later he lied to the cops and said I was harassing him and I told the cops they could even check my phone records. I still get blocked calls or from numbers I do not know and I will not answer, my ex has been getting off the wall calls as well and he will drive by my ex’s job to this day and just smirk at him. I know it shouldn’t but these actions cause serious anxiety for me, my heart starts racing, I break out him hives on my face, my stomach is upset. I just wish he would go away, far away. He said he would change his route for work but it is like he enjoys the taunting. I give no indication to him that it is bothering me or getting to me but he just continues to do so.
I always check my blindside, leave work with a friend and am very aware of my surroundings. Everyday I wake up and tell myself “new day, new start” but I worry about my family and my ex.
Oh, and Libra –
Just because Erin and I talk tough to you, that does not mean that we don’t know how VERY, VERY difficult your journey is or how hard the work you need to do to overcome having been spathed is going to be.
We say it like it is because WE (and others who might sound “tough” or talk “straight”) did not think that WE would ever be able to survive our own messes. WE have also been where it felt easier to just lay down on the floor and quietly die. WE have cried until there were no more tears left in our bodies and until our hearts have felt as if they were literally cracked in half (or even more pieces than that). Surviving our spaths has been about the most difficult thing that any of us will ever do and NONE of us believed that we would ever be whole again afterward; we all thought we would be permanently damaged and of little use to ourselves, let alone anyone else.
Yet, one by one and one day at a time, we have healed and continue to do so.
You MUST believe us because we know your pain, we FEEL it reading your words and we cry for you at the other end of cyberspace. But WE KNOW that you can do this Libra because if we could, then anyone can.
Hang in there, this thing gets easier – you will actually feel the “shift” – it’s almost a physical thing. It’s coming. All in time. xx
Angel27 – Given the threats the guy has made, you are right to be cautious. However, you can’t live in terror your whole life.
I suggest that you get the book, “The Gift of Fear,” by Gavin DeBecker. It will help teach you how to separate your intuitive warning system from general anxiety, so that you can determine when you need to take action to protect yourself.
Angel, Have you talked to the police about this character? about the threats he has made against you? If not, then I suggest that in ADDITION to reading the book that Donna suggested that you contact the police and give them the information that you have written about the threats and his past behavior and criminal record.
Donna is also right that you cannot live in TERROR for the rest of your life, but you also want to be CAUTIOUS. I think the book will help you distinguish the anxiety from the real danger. Good luck and God bless.
Angel,
It sounds to me that you are right to be cautious. When a spath makes threats or even jokes about murder, it is like a spath tell and he shows what is behind the mask. I take it serious.
Is there any possibility for taking out a restraining order, likewise for your ex? You should both document and document.