Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Thanks for some good advise as usual, Donna. I too have never had a child WITH a sociopath but have every sympathy in the world to those that do have and therefore cannot go NC with them.
I think many of us have seen cases where parents would use the child(ren) as weapons with which to punish the other parent, in ways that are horrific, and always damaging to the child(ren).
All I could add is to EDUCATE YOURSELF TO YOUR LOCAL LAWS, and to REMEMBER: S/HE IS THE LIE. Nothing that they tell you will be true, or for the reason that they state.
The other suggestion I would make is to PRETEND that you are not as upset with the things that they do as you are. THE MORE YOU APPEAR TO THE P to be upset, the more they like it.
Let the “little things” slide. Don’t mention the constant “lost” clothing, and other small things that they will do just for “drill” to irritate you like “Chinese WAter torture” one drop at a time,. If you can convincingly pretend it doesn’t bother you that the kid you sent with 5 tee shirts comes home with 2, or one shoe and not the other, they may stop doing this, but if you react to it, they will continue this “ploy” and chuckle gleefully every visitation.
I would however, photo-document clothing and other articles I sent with the child, and photo what came back, and keep a log about this as well. So that missing items can be documented.
Keep your children in the dark about things that the P can pump the information out of them to use against you.
Get therapy for your kids and you. You will both need it and the therapist can become your ally.
Keep tape recorded telephone logs or personal meetings if this is legal in your area. Find out what is legal. If your child comes home with “wild stories” you might consider taping these (again if it is legal) but I would not let the child know this as they would possibly tell the other parent.
I would always have a witness each time the children were exchanged, or if the P uses this exchange time to dig at you, then have a third party do the exchange, a good friend or one of your parents so that you can keep inteactions down to a minimum.
I would communicate with the other parent only by e mail or written, or recorded communications, so that records can be kept of every exchange.
If the parent is a foreign national and is likely to take the children and “run” I would take whatever steps are necessary to prevent this happening. (court hold passports of children or whatever safeguard is necessary)
Read and educate yourself about your children’s rights and try to keep foremost in your mind that this is all about the children, not you or him. Peace and God’s blessings.
Glinda,
This spam has been reported to Donna, it will be quickly removed. People trying to sell us stuff should put their stuff on their own web site not spam another site. Kinda makes you think they might not have a conscience, huh?
I had some stuff for sale a while back on Craigslist and got an “order” for one of the more expensive things from a scammer, she didn’t live locally but wanted to buy the item and then arrange pick up. First off I noticed that she obviously didn’t speak english as a first language. Then I told her that yes I would take a CHECK, NO money orders (there are lots of fake ones floating around) and that as soon as the CHECK cleared she could arrange pick up or shipping.
So I get this next e mail back telling me that “her assistant” had mailed me the “wrong” amount on the MONEY ORDER and would I please cash it and keep my sales price then buy another money order and mail it back to her for the rest. She would TRUST ME to do so. LOL
The internet is a big super highway for spammers and scammers and Ps and other crooks…some of the stories just make me shake my head, but you know, I got scammed by my own family, so don’t laugh quite as hard at how “stupid” these folks are, they just get hooked by the dream and FANTASY like the rest of us, maybe they are a bit more gullible than some of us, but I think I’ve been pretty darned gullible myself so I’m not throwing rocks at anyone who falls for a scam, I just don’t want to fall for any more myself.
spam? i love how they describe the amazing capablities of the poduct without describing the product at all.
Gennyrabbit,
Yea, it is probably like the “solar clothes dryer” that I have seen advertized (YES!@....... Really!!!) and when you order it it is a piece of clothes line and some clothes pins. LOL
Or the Guarenteed Bug Killer—two blocks of wood, with one labeled A and one B and the instructions are to “Place bug on block A and strike sharply with block B”
The one on here sounded like a TAPE RECORDER to me, but like you said, they never described the product at all.
In the 1950s where I grew up some farmers were still farming with horses and mules and a “horse trader” would come through the area from time to time with a herd of horses for sale. These men were well known as crooks and would sell a horse that appeared to be a good horse, but had some terrible flaw. The “rules” around here if local people traded horses was to ALWAYS tell the truth if asked, but not to volunteer information, so the buyer had to be cagey to know the right questions to ask.
The Amish still farm with horses and mules and a friend of mine went to a horse sale in Ohio and bought a mule from the Amish that was sold at the auction. Those animals sold through a sale many times have behavioral faults so anyone buying such an animal knows that there is a good chance someone is selling the animal for a “good reason.”
My friend overheard the seller speaking to another man about the mule my friend had bought. The seller laughed that he had gotten a good price for the mule because it would do anything but PULL. As soon as you hooked it up to something to pull it would lie down and refuse to move. Even if you beat it it would not get up (typical mule behavior you can’t beat them and make them do anything if they refuse)
My friend, who is a crusty old retired farmer/school teacher, took the mule home and hooked it up to a large log to pull and the mule lay down. My friend did not beat it, but instead tied it’s feet together and left it there, over night.
The next morning when he returned and untied the mule, he could see that the mule had struggled all night to get up but was unable to because his feet were tied togehter. (a horse would kill it self trying to get loose, but a mule or donkey will not, they will struggle but not panic and hurt themselves)
When he let the mule get up, the mule never again laid down when asked to pull. I love this story and this man has taught me to train Border Colliles to work and helped me with training my Mammoth Donkeys–because first you have to be smarter and wiser than the animal before you can train it. Collies and Donkeys and Mules are VERY smart, so it isn’t always easy to be smarter than they are, or wiser.
I think we must be smarter and wiser than the Ps and the scammers, and also keep our eyes out for the RED FLAGS. In dealing with something so prescious as our children in custody battles, I think the nurturing parent must find a way to “tie the Ps’s legs together”–do something that is unexpected. To be “smarter” than the P, to know that he will NOT play by the rules. If we do not become somewhat defensively deceptive as well, they will always win. Beating on them doesn’t do a bit of good, not any more good than hitting a mule or a donkey.
You have to know the particular make up of your particular P–what will “motivate” him. What will make him “balk” and what will just make him madder and more dangerous. A person who is used to training horses has NO idea how to train or work with a mule or a donkey. They look similar but they are NOT mentally the same. A person who successfully trains one kind of dog cannot train a Border Collie, they are entirely different than other breeds…no matter what, you cannot hit a collie, but GROWLING at them wiil put them into submission.
So I would caution the person who is fighting for custody of their child to KNOW YOUR ENEMY, and what motivates him, how he or she thinks, what their motives are (power control revenge) and work with that in mind.
ALWAYS keep your cool (at least in front of them) Don’t give way and show fear or anxiety, they will pick up on it instantly and use it to increase their aggression.
I have a friend with a Jack Russell Terrier and the dog rules the house because she will not train this hard-headed but very smart breed of dog. He has her in control not the other way round. I have a Jack Russell that is quite a well trained and polite dog. My dog does not tear up the trash (I have even tempted him with meat scraps in the trash and gone off and left him and he did NOT get into the trash.) I have never hit the dog (Doesn’t do any good with Jacks) and only seldom even spoken harshly to him when he would show me his teeth when I trimmed his nails. He didn’t offer to bite but did show me his teeth which is AGGRESSIVE, and if I had let that pass he would probably have bitten me the next time I trimmed his nails.
BTW, to keep them out of trash you put one or more set spring mouse traps in a sack of trash or trash can and it gets instant “natural consequences” even without you there. Most of the time they don’t even get it on their nose, but if they do, it won’t harm them, just minor pain like being popped with a rubber band on a sensitive area on your nose and scare the dickens out of them.
Most Ps are not going to react like Amy’s P did, even in a custody fight “to the death” but they can still be very damaging to the children. My experience with Ps though is that WHATEVER you value is what they will try to take away or mess up—if it is your kids, then they use THAT so sometimes pretending that you WANT THEM to take the kids so that you can go “party” without the extra baggage of kids might work. SO INSIST THEY TAKE THE KIDS MORE–especially if you have kids in diapers. Enlist a handsome male friend to be there when the X picks up the kids, dressed to the 9s like you are just about to go out for the evening. Or pretend you are going away for the weekend.
This “reverse psychology” will work with some Ps. Others not, so KNOW YOUR ENEMY is my best advice. AND THINK SNEAKY. LOL
Thanks OxD,
My comment was meant kinda tongue-in-cheek. I didn’t even follow the link 😉
Here is a FUNNY story about scammers tho-
I noticed at one point that the x-s was using one of MY old passwords for his email. I read his emails for awhile- when I knew where he was, I knew NOT to go. (I needed to keep my daughter away from him). It actually saved me from running into him a few times.
***Bonus- I got to witness him profess his “love” and “accomplishments” and promises of money and on and on to this really hot chick who claimed an address in a very affluent neighborhood outside our local metropolitan area. But, she was on a buying trip in Africa…but needed money for customs…lol. I could tell the “English as a 2nd language” in the emails.. he apparently missed it and just kept making promises. He shunned other women in order to devote himself to the pursuit of her and her presumed house full of valuables to be stolen and pawned. I was giggling with delight in anticipation. Finally the correspondence came to a head and he realized he’d been scammed by a Nigerian GUY.
Oh the RAGE! Oh the threats! LMAO. It was FABULOUS. The scammer got scammed.
Glinda, I figured as much, and that is a GREAT STORY! I am rollling on the floor holding my stomach and keeping my legs crossed (you know why old ladies keep their legs crossed when they sneeze or laugh LOL)
There have been several hr long news shows about people getting scammed by these folks in Africa and south america and sending thousands upon thousands of dollars to them, just sure they had hit the jackpot of their dreams. We at least had a LIVE, IN THE FLESH scammer, and these poor people only had a cyber-psychopath, but still fell prey to them.
It is simply amazing how many people are so starved for love (I know in your case it was not “love” but $$$ Lust he was after. Oh, how I wish he had actually sent money!
The ones who lure the children for sex or murder or both though are the ones that scare the pants off of me. Money is just stuff, but lives are at stake here and that is the scary part. I even put a profile up on a dating site and met a few guys in public places for coffee, but finally got sane again and stopped that. Scary how easy it would be…heck I KNEW my x-P for 10 years casually and still got burned! So no more cyber stuff for me.
I am really happy for you that your X “got his just deserts” though! Congratulations again!
When I fled my (cerebral) P with my 11 yo daughter, I sought the help of a medico-legal forensic psychiatrist experienced with P’s. She told me to “give him as much access as he wanted” She wrote a letter for me “As far as I am concerned, as you are her father, you can have unlimited access…. I would appreciate if you could contribute etc…” It took me ~ 1/2 in front of the post box to send it. He refrained from creepy calls and stalking for 6 mths after I sent it.
After no contact for 6 mths, I received a court order from him
The next 2 years I spent being harrassed through the courts with me all the while being absolutely reasonable and saying that he had unlimited access but I could not force my daughter. He asked for a psychologist review of my daughter so we then all had to speak with a psychologist who, incredibly knew one of the people my P had comitted fraud to and, saw through him. The court ignored his damning report on my P however the Magistrate did ask “and how Mr..do you think we should force your daughter..” still he kept making excuses and I kept going to court. I did not have a lawyer as the psychiatrist told me not to spend a cent on one. She said my P wants a fight and it is all too abstract for the courts to understand. At the last hearing, my daughter now being 13 yrs and in the top 10% of the state and verbally adept, I disobeyed the court and her own (issued by the court at no charge) lawyer and she came with me. They saw that she was not the little child that could not make her mind up and, after I was reprimanded, he actually accepted the decision of contact when she wanted (she never has ) and that he new which school she was attending.
I was lucky in that my daughter, when I told her that I was leaving, said to me “Mummy, I trust you”. The psychiatrist told me that “children and dogs” seem to see through them. My daughter certainly could see that “the emperor wore no clothes.
My P had 3 degrees, two with honours, He lived an odd lifestyle racing motor bikes, driving BMW’s and playing bridge.
The ones that liked him called him “guru..”
He rep. our country at bridge. He lived in a house that people would buy into and then lose money getting out. He was incredibly charming and manipulative and loved violent movies. He had held a job for no more than 3 yrs of his 33 yr existence. At 50 yrs, his past caught up with him when he revealed himself by predatorising a 21 yr old patient of mine who had a brain tumour. He is still with her despite her parent s huge grief.
During the time I was with him, I kept him the cleanest he had been. He is so charming, eloquent and believable. He is also very clever and can do some things well.
I did what the psychiatrist told me to and chased his past history to be sure and found 8 (I am sure there are more) people he has hoodwinked financially&/or emotionally. 5 of those have degrees. One was his ex bridge partner. Two cried on the telephone and two wrote an account of his incrediblely manipulative, emotional abusive behaviour. (he never was physically violent though his cows died from starvation when he had feed in the shed).
He is now working occ. in a practice where one of the partners is unwell. I fear that they are next to be financially ruined.
Dear Luisa,
I am so glad that your daughter is so smart and wise for her age. Also glad that you are such a good mother to her. She deserves at least one caring parent.
It is so good to hear a “success” story once in a while! So many times it is not so much a “success” as yours was. Congratulations to both you and your daughter! I appreciate your happy news! Score one for the good guys!
My daughter is 19 now…..she went to live with her father at age 13…when I was in the middle of the turmoil with the con-artist! I have tremendous guilt over loosing all of our assets…because my daughter and I had already gone through so much suffering….for 10 years her father faught me for custody…back in court every two years…..I didn’t know what a sociopath was at that time….I just knew that I was dealing with a pathological liar and manipulator! I wish I could have found this site back then….I was a single mother raising an infant straight to 13. When she left I nearly died!
I didn’t know if I wanted to share this part of my life with all of you….It is very emotional to talk about my daughter whom I miss so deeply.
I faught her father in court for years….at one point he tried to make me out to be a “kidnapper”…..He had a very vicious attorney…..I had moved from one end of NJ to the other. I had to move because my father had died from cancer and 6 months later my mother suffered with a severe stroke. (DURING THAT TIME MY DAD WAS ILL, MY X TOLD MY then 5-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER THAT HER POP-POP WAS DYING AND HER GRANDMA WOULD BE NEXT AND HER MOTHER WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO CARE FOR HER)…my daughter became suicidal….she took a knife to herself and I had to bring her to the hospital….It was such a stressful time as my parents were her caretakers while I went to work. I didn’t have a backuup system in place….so we sold my mothers home and we moved to south Jersey to be closer to my sisters and mother. I did go to the courts to tell them after we had moved…..and I did go “after” because I knew he would fight it in court….and he did try to make me move back even though he was years in child support arrears (and he owns a hugh limousine company in NY that services the music industry)….. go figure!
The judge saw through him and said he was not going to make me move back north to Bergen county where I couldn’t afford to live! Maybe a year and a half went by and he never came to pick up his daughter….I knew he was up to his next fight….I saved the birthday cards he mailed to Melody. We were back in court again…He still wasn’t paying child support….I keep a copy of his highest arrears on my refrigerator to this day as it reminds me what I went through! 132 weeks of no support…almost three years straight….and that was just the NY order. We lived in NY for the 1st year of My daughters life! I moved back to NJ to live with my parents! So custody was in NJ and child support was handled in NY…..anyway….I will never forget when his attorney attacked me in court “yelling” that this mother needs to be put in an orange suit and carted off to jail for kidnapping his clients daughter! His attorney Mr. Peter Panaro….knew i had not kidnapped my daughter because he was there in court when I told the judge I was moving and where I was moving a year or so before! You should have seen the look on his face when I brought the federal express package in as evidence that he knew where we lived the year earlier. And than I talked about the child support arrears….on top of the 132 weeks he had now another year + he hadn’t paid….In our last encounter with support and custody he managed to get me to agree to giving it to our daughter in her future by 2006 he was to have an account with $17,000….and health insurance…which she never had….and a life insurance policy until she was of age….so he reduced the child support from $22,000 to $17,000 and did have to pay it until 2006 She was 5 years old at that time she is 19 now….again go figure! Alot of good money after bad!
To move on with the story….they purgered themselves in court….and this was not the first time….but it was the first time I could prove it! Nothing happened to them…nothing! But after I had told the judge that my child support was now in limbo because of this agreement….He was supposed to be paying me directly now….and he didn’t….the judge now asked that they pay to the NJ courts…..they were kind of backed against a wall and they agreed! But the 1 1/2 year of arrears sat in limbo they couldn’t do anything about it because it was a NY order. I guess I could have gone to court in NY but I chose not to at that point I had had enough. So I actually went 4 years without child support back then….and then there were spuradic payments….and with the NJ order at the time he had taken me back to court for custody when she was 12 1/2 he was $8000. in arrears again on top of the $22,000 plus another $12,000 totaling close to $40,000…..and the only time I did get support was when I was bringing him to court for it! After he had brought me for custody….so in total there were 5 child support and 6 custody battles…every year I was in court for all the time I was raising my daughter!
So how did I loose custody of my daughter? It was a shock to me at the time….I think back on all of it….It was a fog….when I moved to the jersey shore…Ocean City….I didn’t know that I would become severely depressed….I moved in September of 1999…there was no work anywhere as it was the end of the summer and it was desolate back then ….I had no friends and my mother was still sick and recovering….and I couldn’t get work so I had to go on welfare! And you don’t get welfare when you are getting child support! I ended up with severe depression… and the family support was not there because they were dealing with my mother! I lived in a crap summer house with no insulation we froze our buns off that winter and I had a social worker comming to my house helping us out of this mess….I guess my daughter didn’t like that too much…than my mother got much better and in the spring I finally got a job at a spa in Atlantic City….My mother baught us a house in OC. She gave me $40,000 with a $20,000 loan….I paid off the loan…..and I put every dollar of my earning into rebuilding this house….It was a 100 year old summer bungalow….I had put a new roof, new windows, gutted the place….new electric and a new floor in the kitchen….when i learned that the kitchen would never pass inspection with the floor….Then I met the 2nd sociopath…Dennis and he was going to save me and my daughter….and we were going to live better….not in this old house with mold….he couldn’t live there….no we had to have brand new….I listened to the wrong man…the rest is history….but to get back to how I lost custody….
I think it is a number of things…but ultimately I lost because I walked out of court that day….I had no attorney…no money….I had been ripped off in every way….My daughter left to go to her 1/2 brothers birthday….she had not seen them in a year….because he father was up to his old tricks he was ordered to pay me and wasn’t and I stopped meeting him half way….because it’s just not right! And somehow he convinced my daughter that I was not a good parent….and that she should come live with him. He sent her a limousine for the first time ever….and she never came back! And than all the lies again started….and I could afford the fight….in more than one way….I did get an attorney and paid my last $5000 to him and than I had to stop because my daughter was fighting to stay with her dad….so I let her! But she was never in court…..she didn’t know what happened. What did happen is that I asked for family counciling and the judge ordered it….but her dad never called to set it up….and I was upset in court….and the judge turned to me and said you seem bitter about the courts…I agreed with him….since all I had been through…..”I said your damn straight….I said the courts don’t give a damn about familys” And I still believe that to this day! I was so overly emotional that I walked out of court that day and said do what you have to do….my daughter will be back with me in a few months…and I believed that! I heard the police officer saying to the judge should I go get her….and the judge said no ….and I didn’t see my daughter for more than a year…and I was not going to put my daughter through what he had put her through for her high school years….I was not going to drag this through court for what is supposed to be the best years of your life…high school….so I let it go…and than I only saw her a few times…and we have grown apart…she is a teen ager and she doesn’t like to be told what is what! So our relationship has been on and off all that time….She got into drugs the year after she left…she was calling my house talking jibberish! for months…I thought she was messing with me….I thought she hated me..no she was on something…and she went to the hospital almost died and her father didn’t care to even call me! She told me this a year later! At one time I thought we were going to be together again…and I don’t mean by moving back….she wanted to stay where her new friends were…but as soon as I became her parent and not her friend she alienated me again! I just don’t know what to do! I am her mother and I care and I was just trying to help her! She just doen’t believe in my help…she doesn’t want it! The last thing I told her was that I thought we needed therapy….she is not going there….at least not yet!
TrishNJ,
Thank you for being brave enough to share your pain and frustration with the courts and your x, and the pain of the messed up relationship with your daughter.
Unfortunately, the Ps don’t care about the children, they use them as clubs to hurt you with—and it is obvious that they succeed many times. Of course, in the process the “club” (children) that they use to hit you over the head and heart with is broken and damaged.
I think sometimes that children need us most when they are in the rebellious teenaged years than they do when they are in diapers. At this critical period in her life you are being kept from her, and she is being exposed to the lack of care and guideance of her Psychopathic father. Of course at this age most kids don’t really know what they need, and don’t want the very thing they do need….structure and boundaries.
I know that none of the “available” alternatives that you have many be ideal in any way, but if you thinkk your daughter is seriously getting into drugs or is possibly suicidal, you might consider calling the “children’s services” in your area and see if they will intervene. It might entail placing her into goster care, or a group facility, but it also might save her life. Sometimes people hesitate to get the child “involved in the system” but on the other hand, the situation she is in doesn’t sound exactly ideal either. Good luck and God bless you Trish. As always I keep you and your daughter in my prayers to God.