Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Okay – this is what I WANT to write. I fully realize I should probably delete half of it (at least I suspect that’s what my attorney would recommend), but it’s “my truth”. I really need to send something tomorrow, and would appreciate feedback. Thank you!
_______________________________
I am not sure what you are requesting in your e-mail, and I do not feel comfortable stepping outside the boundaries of communication set forth in our parenting plan, but I don’t want to appear like I am ignoring your concerns. It sounds like you want to engage in physical communication with me, and I am not willing to do that. In my sessions of working with a therapist, which was ordered by the court and requested by you, I have learned the absolute necessity of maintaining personal boundaries to protect myself from you. This was acknowledged by the commissioner’s mutual restraining orders. If you had betrayed my trust just a few times, I might have been willing to take the chance to work with you in co-parenting, as I did earnestly for 4 years. Unfortunately, you betrayed my trust on a daily basis during most of our time together. Even since then – you maliciously reported me to CPS, you lied repeatedly to the court, you submitted an overwhelming number of pages slandering me and used people who don’t even know me to slander me, and I am learning in greater detail the extent of your financial abuse against me. It is bewildering for you to ask me to exercise “compassion” after you have put me through all of this with full knowledge of the other stressors I’ve had to deal with in the last 2 years. I put a great deal of effort into maintaining our relationship and making huge personal sacrifices for the sake of our son during the time we were together, but you sabotaged those efforts every time to get your own needs met. Difficult as it may be for me and (ds), I think it best to continue limiting communications to (ds)’s health and schedule. I have been compliant with this, going into great detail about him even when I get no response in return, which has been the norm.
The commissioner told you that while you didn’t fit the “legal” definition of an abuser, you did fit the “social” one. It’s not an easy distinction for me to make, and I take no comfort in sharing custody of my child with an abuser of any classification. I made it very clear in my parenting plan proposal that I wanted you to enroll in a Domestic Violence Perpetrator’s class before I felt comfortable co-parenting with you, but this request was denied by the court on the basis of the “legality” of your abuse. I still feel strongly that you would benefit from help in understanding the damage and pain you inflicted on me and the other people you hurt, because I don’t think you grasp that at all. You could voluntarily enroll yourself in the course. It will not change the past, but it might give you some insight into how you might have a healthy relationship in the future so that you don’t subject (ds) to the behavior which caused me, your ex-wife, and even your secret girlfriend to leave with no desire for further communication with you. Personally, I am not willing to put myself into any more situations where I will be abused, lied to, manipulated, or exploited by you.
As for the accusation that I am “interrogating” (ds), nothing could be further from the truth. He has told me on a number of occasions, “When me and papa sleep at (new girlfriend’s)’s house, she lets me play with the chickens and I eat the eggs.” He talks about her often, and I don’t say one word. I do not ask questions or slander you or disparage you to him, but it’s not hard to draw conclusions on your current situation given your past. I do wish you would stop using our son and your status as a father to endear yourself to women as you have so many times in the past, but there’s certainly nothing I can do now or was ever able to do to prevent that. You voluntarily reported mere weeks ago that you would wait at least 6 months before even introducing (ds) to a romantic interest. Since you claimed not to be interested in anyone at that time, I have to assume that you are breaking that agreement, which is unfortunate. Perhaps he is asking for you to communicate with me now because he is uncomfortable spending time with her. Sometimes it is necessary to put your desires aside in the interest of your child’s well-being. I urge you to consider the consequences of getting your needs met at the expense of his feelings. Most of the scientific community backs me on this one. I truly don’t care if you date, just don’t make (ds) part of the package. Please. It’s not fair to anybody, especially (ds).
(DS) told me (your sister) gave him turkey hot dogs, and he ate them. He reports all of the meat you and everyone you know eats. I don’t ask for that information, and I don’t want especially want to know. You always supported me in maintaining a vegan diet, and in fact bragged about it to others. If this has changed, I would appreciate you letting me know rather than (ds).
I hope this answers some of your concerns.
FreeMama:
Okay girl……good writing, now file it! DO NOT SEND THIS!!!!
This is great cathartic letter for you to write for YOU, but if you send it to him it would open up a can of worms for you…..
He doesn’t care, if he cared, he’d be doing things differently.
Loose lips sink ships…..Do NOT give him any insight into how you feel about things from an emotional standpoint.
Stick with facts and the law…..NO EMOTIONS!!!!
EB- I agree.
Free mama= Stick with the facts on the MAJOR issues. Be as brief as possible. You must focus on the illegal or extremely harmful situations. Otherwise, you will not be heard.
Stick by the no contact. I made the mistake of being “amicable” ; trying to work an agreement. The attorneys and I assume the courts then assumed my divorce allegations were fabricated or exagerated.
DO NOT BUDGE on no contact. It will undermine your position
PROVEN FACTS must be listed; not hearsay or your opinion
abuse/slander; fraud;criminal offenses;; adultery;neglect or abuse of children;
DO NOT EVER tell the court or him that you dont want the child to have relationship with father.
You need to appear to support parent child bond in context of healthy environment. Tone it down.
You’re right. I “assumed” about a million times that if he just knew how I felt and how much he hurt me and my ds, he would change. No – that’s what a NORMAL person does. He is not normal.
I’m just agonizing over this. His letter was self-serving and designed to make the FCE think that he’s just a compassionate, wonderful person who wants to “put the past behind us” for the sake of the child, and it’s hard for me to let anyone view it as such. The ONLY reason he has so much custody now (EVERY WEEKEND!) is because he lied to the court, and they believed him… because who would lie under oath, right? I don’t want to let that happen again! This is just making me relive that horrible day over and over again. I have to remember that this (along with introducing new girlfriend) is exactly what he wants to happen. He still has so much control over me, obviously. His first wife and many girlfriends are soooo lucky they were able to just walk away.
Okay. I need to make it briefer (obviously), and just stick to pointing out that we have a restraining order which needs to be followed, which was mercifully a decision made by the court, not me.
Freemama:
If there is a restrianing order in place…..then whatever the court ordered is appropriate…..I’m assuming NC.
KEEP IT THAT WAY and don’t let him bait you.
Remember, you can only have control over your own actions and behaviors……not his.
Don’t get defensive, dont take any of ‘him’ personally…..disassociate yourself from any feelings of him…..THIS IS BUSINESS.
That’s it.
Not personal…..business.
Would you respond to a business associate in an emotional mannor……no……he is a business associate…..in the business of children.
It’s NOT always the the courts believe ‘them’……it’s that they don’t want to split families up.
This is what a judge told me.
So……given this info, it’s up to you to aid him in exposing himself…..and the less you say or reveal to him……the more he will talk…..and they more a spath talks….the more HE reveals….and eventually exposes himself!
Don’t agonize…..they are ALWAYS self serving…expect it.
Sit down and write out what you KNOW.
Get it out…..and move forward with your mission.
You Know he is self serving.
You know he lies on every angle. In Person/Under oath….
You know he is……
………
………
EXPECT THE ABOVE……..
You KNOW This.
Take those as given and now it’s UP TO YOU to work within that info to achieve your goal.
Don’t expect anything from HIM…….it’s up to YOU to get what you want.
Maybe it would help for y’all to see the letter. It in response to my request that my ds call me when he is out of town for the weekend (to comply with the 2 phone calls I am allowed each week, and which he consistently forgets about/makes excuses for) instead of 2 hours after I dropped ds off. I suspect – knowing him! – that he did this so I wouldn’t find out he was probably taking new girlfriend along, though I didn’t say that. LOVE how he invokes his sick mom… who he usually ignores and/or berates on a regular basis.
____________________________
When you called back ds was already asleep. I had him call because we
were talking about (my dog), and he wanted to ask you a question. I will call tonight. We are not leaving until tomorrow morning because of my mom being in the hospital, and the rain. I will make every effort to get a hold of you while we are gone. I value ds talking to you, and do not wish to prevent it. Even when he resists, I encourage him to call until he does. I know you do the same for me, and I appreciate it. Sometimes I forget until after he is asleep, and I will work to remember when he is awake. My mom is doing well after the surgery, and is already standing a little in therapy. Please keep her healing in your spiritual practice.
I want to work on being in a place where we can dialog positively
about our son. I believe that we are the two most important people in
ds’s life, and it will only benefit him if we can do this. I ask you
this in faith. I know we have many angers and fears to brush aside in
order to accomplish this task. It will be to ds’s detriment if we
continue as we have. He asks me for this on a consistent basis. It is
very difficult to understand why the two people that he loves the most do
not know how to communicate. I do meditate on your happiness,
peace of mind, and physical health. My motivation in wanting to be with
ds is out of love for him. I do not want to take him away from you, I
only want us both to be present for him. I do not interogate ds about
his time with you, as this would be unfair to him, and put him in a place
of communication that he does not deserve. I ask you to honor him this
way. Please know that I have ds’s well being in mind when it comes do
his diet, and his presence with others. I have faith that you will make
decisions that are healthy for ds as well. I feel like you are very
angry at me, and I don’t judge that anger, I only wish that for all of our
sakes that anger may be turned into compassion. Sometimes I am angry with you, and fearful that you are working to separate me from ds. I do not want to live this way, and am working very hard to change these thought patterns. I have no control over your thoughts and actions. Whatever they are, please know that I write this from a place of honesty and faith, and my desire for ds to have parents that can teach him how to communicate in a positive way. That is my prayer.
Thank you,
Your sociopath
______________________
FYI – I’m the one usually begging my ds to call his dad. He’s only 5, but he usually screams “I don’t want to talk to you!” and hangs up. I absolutely don’t say anything bad about his father, and in fact tell ds how much his dad loves him and wants to talk to him (the ex threatened me with PAS early on, so I don’t dare let him play that card). I hate how he’s totally flipping it around in this letter to be the opposite of what happens! When ds calls me, it’s always “I want to see you, mama!” and lots of tears. It breaks my heart. No mother should have to go through this…
Freemama:
This article offers a bit of insite on communicating with a Narcissist….also applies to anyone toxic.
http://hosted.verticalresponse.com/176286/af064dcfe8/17000054/cff51598b2/
Hi letter is informing you of what he is doing…..don’t take words verbatum…..take them as a heads up.
His subtle accusations of you…..is enlightening you of how he feels.
Learn spath speak.
Whatever he acuses you of doing or saying or feeling……is really HIS feelings/doings/sayings.
I don’t think the letter requires a response, infact I believe he’s baiting you (as I’m sure he already knows your response would be what you posted earlier).
If Jr doesn’t call you per court order, it’s the parents responsiblitliy to remind a 5 year old, pick up the phone and dial and say ….say goodmorining to mamma or say goodnight to daddy……bring it up with the courts if this is not happening.
Its not about you or him….it’s about Jr.
Make it part of your childs breakfast and goodnight routine with each parent. Ask the judge to order this.
Thank you for that link… I’m exploring the site. It helps so much to know you’re not alone.
So my ds just called, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Why don’t you talk to papa? Papa wants to talk to you. He won’t be mad. He will be nice to you.”
Ugh. How do you respond to that with a 5 year-old? I just changed the subject, which was luckily easy to do. This is a first. Obviously, the ex has some kind of big plan, and I am once again the target of his agenda. It’s ironic that he’s using our d.s. to relate such information when he just wrote how “unhealthy” it is for me to do that (which I DON’T!). Par for the course. I should be used to it by now.
I kind of like the idea of not responding to his letter at all. My attorney thought I should, but I’m thinking it must be driving him crazy that I haven’t responded yet (he wrote it Thursday). GIve them enough rope, right??
Okay – taking a break from it all and doing some yoga! I need to stop spinning on all this stuff for a bit, though I am soooo grateful to have found this group. I don’t even talk about this stuff to friends or family. It is impossible for anyone to relate who hasn’t been in it! Experience taught me that it makes folks feel pretty uncomfortable. (As it should!)
Free:
Good girl….you got it!
Go take care of yourself……
YOU have nothing to do, no response to make, no nothing!!!!
He want’s power over you……and he knows how to push the buttons ……if YOU shake it up and NOT respond the way you ALWAYS have……he won’t know how/what buttons are vulnerable to him any longer….
It changes the dynamics…..and YOU are in control….and YOU can decide WHAT moves you want to make…..
OFFENSE NOT DEFENSE!!!
Enjoy your yoga…..set it free.
Okay I put the dvd in, and I had an epiphany. I know why he’s doing this! NEW GIRLFRIEND! What is most important to him above all else?? Luring his next victim. It’s easy enough to explain away the “psycho ex” (as I know he refers to me as, and his ex wife, and on and on), but it’s gotta be a stretch to explain to the kind and wonderful new girl how his child’s mother wants NOTHING to do with him. No contact whatsoever! That’s gotta be tough to just explain away.
So in his creepy little mind, he figures if he can just create enough of an illusion that he has some sort of civil relationship “for the sake of the child” with me, he gets to look great and *better still* deserving of sympathy and free home-cooking and getting his bills paid and getaways planned. Eureka! It’s not about me at all… so true. Also I swallowed my pride last week and started trying to repair relationships with the non-sociopathic people in his family, which must be driving him crazy, too. Makes it a little more awkward introducing new girl to the fam when they can’t back him up on the ol’ “crazy ex”. When I started dating him, no one said a word about his poor, abused ex-wife, which in retrospect makes me a little p.o’d.
Am I on the right track? It sounds strange, but it helps to understand his motivations so I can know how to respond. I was always such a reactionary person when it came to him when everything started falling apart. I can’t make that mistake anymore…
Okay really doing yoga now. Feel better than I did 2 days ago, that’s for sure…