Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
freemama-just read these latest and EB has wonderful advice. Yes you are probably right on about looking good for the gf. There is ALWAYS a motive for THEM when you notice sudden change.
Or could he be scheming up a “undermining” the other parent deal? mine is doing that. Makes your son think you are being nasty. Subtly undermining you makes HIM the nice guy to Jr.
So, I pour on the” what fun you had with Dad” routine..YAY.
Did you tape the convo with Jr? “The part about DAd wont be mad, he will be nice to you” could be proof of the ex’s nastiness in front of Jr. Better yet, when Jr gets home, tape him telling you why he said that…as long as you arent interrogating.
I had a psychologist document the childrens accounts of the fights and their fathers raging at me. I never raised my voice or fought back in front of them; just quietly left.
In response to the why dont you talk? I say “it is soooo much better for mom when dad emails or texts! That way it is written down or we might forget! Silly DAddy, he knows that”. When older you can tell him why you cant talk…it isnt his fault.
And you can point at a time when mom and dad got “mixed up” when they talked about something.
Dear Freemama,
Welcome to LF. I have been having communication on the internet problems due to storms so haven’t been able to welcome you before now, but you are getting GREAT advice from ErinB and others. It is best if you can manage it at all to NO CONTACT, which means DO NOT RESPOND to the e mail, or ANY e mail. HE WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU WRITE.
Scream at the wall, write it here! Beat a pillow, pound your head into a brick wall, bash yourself on the head with a rock, the ONLY ONE THAT WILL HELP IS TO WRITE IT HERE!!!!! Well, maybe the screaming at the wall might help some too, but NOTHING YOU WRITE OR SAY TO THEM is going to help.
If you have a restraining order FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER EVEN IF HE DOESN’T.
Document, document—-keep copiesw of the things he sends you which are against the orders of the court and YOU follow the orders completely.
YOU go to counseling and parenting classes, he will look like a fool for NOT going to them.
Don’t let your child become the pawn any more than he already is and just explain to him that you love him and that the problem is between YOU AND PAPA not between you and him and that he can’t change the situation.
I know you want your kid to eat a vegan diet, but THAT IS WHY you got told he was eating turkey and they are trying to provoke you, unless the kid comes home and tells you they made him eat human meat, don’t react! Your child won’t die, and when he gets older he can decide for himself, just be the best mommie you can be NOW and hang in there and DO NOT LET THIS CREEP PROVOKE YOU. YOU are in control when you do not let his antics get to you. You are stronger than even you know yet!!!! This is a great place and there are people here who do understand and have been there. EB is a great one, she’s been through it all–her ex even kidnapped the kids but she’s hanging in there!!!! So you can too, she will be here for you!!! We all will be!!! Hugs and myprayers for you!!!
Free…..
See, when we think and give ourselves time to think and ponder……things hit us……things become clear…..and we can see things that we missed when we were busy talking, writng to them, defending ourselves and whatnot.
Whenever I am upset….I retreat……and let it ‘be’…..things come to me…..
I used to be just like you….reactionary….had to deal with it now, now, now……
BUT……when we step out of the burning house…..we can stand back on the lawn and remember ‘where the cat was’ or ‘if we had a candle started’…..it’s clearer.
We need to see the forest for the trees……see the pinecones, the needles, the rocks, the birds, the bears……..EVERYTHING….
100% of the time, I react differently than I would have if I reacted kneejerk.
100% of the time.
So….keep on yogaing….and you’ll be amazed at your personal growth.
YEAH!!!
Oxy-PLEASE see my gaslighting post bout the thefts we had
just read the no email part you wrote. dont know about freemama but I have to respond to some emails post divorce. I guess NC for me is no physcial or phone only
Our emails are for childrens needs; when he gets off those topics I ignore them. He constantly tries to push buttons … even called me recently.
My favorite are the public attempts at looking friendly ; I have learned to use my cell phone and mouth and motion for him to email me…and I quickly depart. We dont have restraining orders but I act like it because he is dangerous.
I swear I think he could strangle me for dismissing him this way. His highness, reduced to the emailer.LOL!
We havent spoken in 9 months and he cant stand it. Interesting how crazy he sounds now. Even the mannerisms i found “endearing” at one time, are annoying. I guess because I know the intent behind them.
Dear Flower power, tell me where it is I can’t find it. I’ve been having trouble getting on article threads that are LONG and have lots of comments while the weather is crummy as I use an air card and receptiuon sucks. There were a couple of days I couldn’t get on anything but a new thread and not even then for sure. Lost a lot of posts. Sorry! Love Oxy
Ox-first post was 1:30am Monday 31st and then most recent is last post on the thread for Book Review-Gaslighting….thanks !
You ladies are very smart, I gotta say!
The vegan thing… yep, I knew that was in his tool box. I’ve been very careful not to say anything like, “He can’t eat meat!”. I just ask him if he’s changed his mind about agreeing to that (which I have in writing). I just want him to say it. Believe me, it is impossible to get even non-sociopaths to respect my diet choice, and I know my ds “cheats” a lot when he’s not home. I don’t get upset with him about it or anything. He knows I’m not into tattling, and that’s kind of the spirit he uses in telling me about everyone he comes across who eats meat! It’s kind of funny, really. I know it’s my choice up to a certain age, and then I am totally okay with him doing what he wants. It’s just my job to give him a good start in life.
The restraining order says we can e-mail only about ds’ “health and scheduling”. The “health” thing is kind of open to interpretation, I think. Like he’ll just say he’s worried about ds’ “mental health”, just like I’ll say the diet thing is about his health. Of course I fret and worry about the impact going no contact will have on my ds, but I know it does NO good to have mama upset all the time. He witnessed a lot of fights in his short little life (physical and verbal), and afterwards his father would just disappear for days at a time, leaving a very distressed mama all alone to care for him. Sometimes I couldn’t control the tears in front of him, though I tried like heck. I can’t take that back. But I can say that since I went no contact, my ds has NEVER seen me cry except for sad movies! That’s huge, and it feels good to even begin getting a handle on my emotions again. Oh sure – on the days he’s with his father I’ve done my share of hitting the bed with pillows and such, but I think that’s totally healthy. I’ve also been going to a DV support group every week for several months, which has been invaluable. Strangely, the sociopath/narcissist discussion has never comes up. Mostly we talk about ways to create boundaries for future relationships and get our self-esteem back. At least I’m not starting from square one there.
Thank you again for passing the wisdom to us newbies. I can see getting on the other side of this one day and devoting a lot of energy to helping others. There’s not a lot of support out there for victims of sociopaths. I read someone wondering what the information on ASPD will look like in 100 years. I imagine it will be tolerated by society about as much as child labor or slavery! Maybe that’s just wishful thinkin’…
Free:
Don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect! It’s good to show children emotions….sadness…..
My mother….the denial queen, used to cry in her bedroom…..and we knew we couldn’t enter……if she was in her bedroom…..which also made asking her or comforting her off limits…….
Real people do show emotions…..real people do hurt…….real people do grieve…….
That’s allnormal.
Your a good mother……be yourself with your baby.
It’s the spath you gotta have a real hard gameplan with!!!
🙂
Dear Freemama,
We aren’t any “smarter” than you are, just more experienced in getting through this. There is someone here who has been through whatever you want to name! It is an up and down road to get closer to healing and the journey starts out about THEM and ends up about US, and the sooner you can realize that NOTHING you say to him about anything will make any difference.
Actually when you go NC (as much as absolutely possible) it FRUSTRATES the heck out of them and they will TURN UP THE HEAT for a while to try to lure you back in, to push your buttons so you will respond. IF you respond for anything except the most outrageous things you have LOST. So as long as the kid has no broken bones and doesn’t use the F word too often, NO COMMENT TO DADDY-KINS, just “sweetie, we don’t’ say the F word at mommie’s house” and move on,, if Daddykins gets the idea he can hurt you through the kid or upset you he will do so as much as possible so even when you ARE upset, don’t let your son see it to take it back to daddykins because I am sure daddykins pumps him like a new well about what is going on at your house. So since your son isn’t old enough to reliably not spill the beans I would do lots of fun things with him, enjoy being with him, and not let him know anything of what problems you have.
Glad you are going to a DV support group too, that is great!!! ANYTHING that you can find that will validate and support you as you heal and move on is wonde3rful. TAKING CARE OF YOU and your son are the only things you need to focus on now. Believe it or not, you need to focus on YOU firsdt cause if you can’t take care of you, you won’t have the strength to take care of him. You seem like you are doing a great job though!!!! Keep on trucking!
Good golly……I disappear for a couple of days and I’ve missed a whole lot! These threads fly so fast!
Welcome to all of the new site members – I’m sorry that you’re members of the same club, but you’ll find healing, suggestions, and strong support, here.
Brightest blessings to one and all!