Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Just thought I’d give an update-
I didn’t answer his e-mail, and feel really good about it. I have to really remind myself that these are the consequences of HIS actions, and I don’t need to be racked with guilt about it.
I was wondering how all of you deal with the responses of friends and family to making the supremely healthy decision of going no-contact. People who otherwise hate the guy and think he’s a “loser” will inevitably follow up with, “But it seems like you guys should be able to have some sort of civil relationship. You do have a child together, and he is the father.” One friend told me this week, “Well, he’s clearly a philanderer, but I think “sociopath” is pretty harsh.” I don’t feel like describing in great detail all of the other far worse things he’s done, so is there a short answer to that? Something that doesn’t make you sound like just another bitter jilted ex? That kind of “advice” and the self-doubt it gave me was what led me to staying with him (and being totally exploited by him) for far longer than I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy into it any more, but I would like to have a better explanation than “He’s a sociopath.”
One friend of mine said to me: “he’s Casanova, you could not expect to “keep him for long”, he loves women too much. I listened to this remark twice and on the third time mentioned how hurt I was by it and her lack of understanding of what really transpired in my life. At that point, I told my “Friend” that I’d call her when things settle. Even though they did , I do not feel any remarkable desire to resume our relationship. Those who lack the empathy and ability to walk in other’s shoes, really may not be worthy of the word “Friend”. Otherwise, I feel very supported and aside from some court personnel who I am certain believe me to be a bit ‘too much” for going totally NC, most have understood and supported my choice. If your child’s father is a pathological lier, like mine is, what will you gain from any direct exchanges but more lies? would you be able to take the “Truth” from him? it’s like the “Boy who Cried wolf”. I won’t believe a word out of his mouth, so why bother giving his webs a chance to grow on me?
Dear Getting it,
Most people in my experience do NOT understand just what we are dealing with.
There are also dupes to carry information about him to you, as gossip or other tales, about who he is involved with, and what he is up to, etc. and that is, frankly in my opinion, malicious.
Actually, I think the way you handled it is FINE. If you want to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn’t GET IT (and there will be those who are not malicious or lacking empathy they just can’t comprehend!) and they keep telling you to “be reasonable’ or “be adult” about it and have a civil relationship for the sake of your kid.
I thinkk on those I would just say as kindly as I could,
“Look, carol, I know you think that John and I should maintain a civil relationship because of Junior, and under NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, I would agree with you, it would be BEST, however these are NOT “normal circumstances” and ONE person by themselves cannot maintain a civil relationship between two people.”
Then after that, I would just gently remind “carol” that the subject is CLOSED.
I catch heck from people about being NC with my egg donor and how I “should NOT be that way” My cousin said “well how can you repair it if you won’t talk?” My answer was along the line of “it couldn’t be repaired when we DID TALK because one person can’t fix a problem when the other one is unwilling to act in a reasonable fashion.”
Or in my case, you can’t believe a single word that comes out of his mouth! Makes it kind of hard to communicate. The thing is I can understand why people would be dubious. Prior to being in a relationship with this man, I did not believe human beings were capable of doing things like this to other human beings. I understand war, and I understand power plays with people in career situations, but I cannot fathom how a man could treat the mother of his child in such a horrible manner for YEARS.
I really hate hearing my ds say things like, “Papa won’t be mad at you anymore. Please talk to papa!”. It truly breaks my heart, but I have to believe in time he will get used to it, and ultimately understand why I had to do what I had to do.
Here is the scenario. Many many many violations of restraining orders(S!) over the past year. They haven’t been followed up on due to fears of retribution. That isn’t working. Everything has been documented.
I would like suggestions on how best to present this information to the police so that they take real action.
Most of the violations are going to be explained away in ways we all know too well. The email about scheduling turns into an email about altering the custody arrangements etc… Well that’s a violation. Almost a hundred like that in over a year. I am concerned that the police may not take this seriously because up until now no violations have been reported. Help?
(everything is documented and laid out for the police)
I have been told that a statement needs to be made. What should it contain? Should it be written up before or made verbally at the station?
ps – this is for Canada
{{{Harold}}} I don’t know much about Canadian Law, but if you have an attorney solicitor, they will be able to advise you better.
Emails and so forth can be documented via law enforcement as violations of restraining orders. What I did was to keep a running log of all contacts, attempted discussions, etc., by noting the DATE, the TIME, the CIRCUMSTANCES, and PRECISE QUOTES by ex spath and/or me. The running log did not contain any personal emotional contributions or how these contacts made me “feel,” or what I suspected as motives for the actions. They only contained precise facts.
The only way to know what type of statement is required is to contact your local law enforcement office or barracks. Speaking to an officer, you’ll have a better understanding of what’s needed. I would hazard a guess that a timeline (like the running log) would be a very good idea to take to the barracks when you finally file a report/complaint. When I filed a complaint, it had to be hand-written, so I took a printed timeline as a reference and copied the information down onto my hand-written statement.
Brightest blessings, Harold – attend to this, ASAP!
Dear Harold,
There i s a thread here, and sorry I CANNOT REMEMBER THE NAME, SOMEONE HELP HIM ON THAT, about a computer program that can bhe used to communicate between hostile x-spouses about child visitation etc. it DOCUMENTS.
Since you apparently have the e mails but have NOT turned it in, you probably DO need to talk to your attorney or whatever word passes for “lawyer” in Canada. Laugh
I would lay it out in a format that was easy to see by DATE, and then say that you didn’t report it because it isn’t just one little thing, but the PATTERN of violations that is the problem.
Show the PATTERN of violations. The police officers themselves may not act on your complaints but you probably have to make them anyway and then FOLLOW UP! Good luck and God bless.
off topic – but not really….
it’s father’s day. and later this week it’s my dad’s bday. my heart is hurting.
i know some folks who are good fathers. i let them know that i see them that way with a note today. and that helps. its no good when it looks like there is just darkness around me.
my heart hurts.
Oxy – Harold
I think the thread you are thinking is called “Our Family Wizard can help you co-parent with a sociopath”
Check that one out and see what you think.
MiLo
{{{One_step}}} I go through the same shit on Mother’s Day – spath son and the other one severely damaged. But, DNA does not a father (or, mother) make. You have your family here, where it’s safe and you’re valued.