Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths, who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain new passports for children without BOTH parents’ signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant, allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900 euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney. I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times. Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out of your children’s lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to give up parental rights, and he or she won’t have to pay any child support. You may feel that you need the child support payments, but chances are that you’ll never get the money, or it will always be a struggle to get it. The money isn’t worth having the predator in your family’s life. Figure out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works—there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many times it doesn’t, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you’ll end up in court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the most tragic of circumstances involving these predators—a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you’re fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
1. Document, document, document.
Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the craziness is so intense that you don’t want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail, every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological, or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
2. Have witnesses
It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping some of what goes on.
3. Get your own information
Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
4. Hire an aggressive, competent attorney
Child custody cases with sociopaths are not normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or she is “just concerned with the welfare of the children.” The sociopath will make outrageous accusations. The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney must be up for the challenge.
5. Do not allow lies to become part of the court record
Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records. Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies, like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
6. Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath
Unfortunately, many judges really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many judges equate “sociopath” with “serial killer,” and may consequently believe that you are overreacting. So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving the behavior.
7. Stay calm in court
You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court, even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions in check, at least in front of the judge.
8. Make sure court orders are explicit
Insist on detailed court orders. The order should not say, “parent has visitation every other weekend.” It should specify exactly which weekends, starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children, who is responsible for bathing and feeding them—everything must be spelled out in detail. If there is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
9. Make the sociopath abide by court orders
If the sociopath fails to honor the orders, do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child’s life, you’ll need evidence to do it.
10. Take care of yourself
You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath. Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
Harold:
Short answer NO!
Not sure what your looking for…..and this should have been requested in divorce discovery process.
If it’s a new love interest…..run!
Once a hearing is done;……only motions can go ‘backwards’……attorneys and motions….filings and subpeonas.
Good luck>
Harold:
“Every phone call to the lawyer costs $400.”
If I was paying this kind of money everytime I called my lawyer, I would expect the LAWYER to come up with the credit reports, and everything else that needed to be taken care of.
$400 per call? Are you serious?
Hi, i to have a daughter to a p, he is taking me to court for acess, he was interfering with her. he has talked about child abuse with his friends as he asked me before we seperated if i thought several of them had rooted there kids and other sick questions, i beleive there is a group of them, there drug addicts, the p and his freinds sell and manufacture drugs. He tried to send me crazy, he would lie just for the fun of it and i have come across photos of him having sex with blokes. He is an animal with no boundry’s what so ever. I can’t let him have any acess to my daughter, he has money (drug money) and a good lawyer, i have legal aid and my lawyer just seems to let things happen, i could do a better job myself i think. What do you’s think?
zipp – is there any way that you can safely report his criminal activities to the police? that might take care of the access problem. do you think he may be involved in child porn? police always happy to hear that info. but you have to be careful with that one – and you HAVE to find a way to report him/ have him reported that it doesn’t come back on you.
i would also talk to your lawyer and tell him/he what you expect. just because you have no money doesn’t mean you should be poorly represented. if that doesn’t work, can you speak to a supervisor and ask for another lawyer?
He’s to cunning for the police. He was raided for drugs but nothing was located the updated police report said. He would have cleaned up. I’m being threatened now by his friends and family they being threatening to kill me, i have put all this through the court and been to the police about it, but because they weren’t called to the seen of the matter there is nothing they can do…….no body seems to be able to do anything until it is to late it. I have no doubt these people are capable of hurting me i have asked my lawyer to put forward a relocation matter as i am not safe to go anywhere by myself and to make matters worse they are threatening my mum. How can i relocate? Shorely my life being threatened is a good reason. These people are drug fueled idiots, they are on ice, crystal meth what ever they can get there hands on. Scary very scary people. My lawyer hasn’t even replied for my question about relocation i have asked several times in emails. Once he told me to just leave, can i do that without repercusions, making my daughter more at harm?
zipp, i think the suggestion one_step made is excellent, speak to your lawyer’s supervisor!! You have got to get the upper hand in this entire situation. Can you get some type of restraining order against him — because of the threats? Think out of the box and keep going higher and higher through the chain of command, make sure they hear you. What did the lawyer say about leaving… would it place your daughter in more harm? You really need answers from these people who are supposed to be helping you. You “put all this through the court” and they did nothing? Even though he threatened to kill you? All of this has been documented in the courts? I would think they HAVE to help you. I’m sorry I am not much help, I do not understand exactly what’s going on. We are here for you, please keep writing, there are others on this site who have been through what you are dealing with.
Hello everyone! This is my first time posting and I’m soooo glad I found this site. Here’s my story…
I have a child by a sociopath. In the beginning, everything was wonderful but that didn’t last for very long. I got pregnant and it seemed he was always finding things to argue about. During my pregancy he was not really there and I cut him out of my life just before I had our daughter. Maybe a month past and he came back, apologizing and telling me how much he loved me and wanted us to be a family. He knew how strongly I felt about having a family and I think he used this for his benefit. We moved together shortly and his erractic behavior started up again. I tried really hard to please this man and could not understand why he was always upset with me. He would pick a fight and would not return home at night. The next day, he would say he spent the night with his aunt in another city. This behavior went on for a few months before I decided to take me and my child and move. He moved with his “cousin and his cousin’s wife”. A few months past, and he eased his way right back into my life. Since we had been a part for a few months, I asked if he was seeing someone and he stated no of course. That didn’t last for long. Then he made his way back into my life again (crazy right). He made me feel bad for him. We were never officially in a relationship because he said I had hurt him in the past and he was sooo afraid of me hurting him again. He felt he couldn’t trust me. I finally gave him an ultimatium either we are together and work on our issues (which were really non-existent) or we stop seeing each other. He said he wanted us to be together and we would work on our issues. A week later, I got a sign from GOD but I still ignored it. My daughter mentioned a woman’s name. I asked him about it and he acted as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. I waited a few days and did some research on the internet. I knew his address and plugged it into the internet and low and behold…this woman’s name and address, along with her phone number came up. I called the woman and asked is she was in a relationship with him because he had been seeing me all this time. She said she was at work and would call me back. Needless to say, me and the ex really got into it. He said a lot of nasty things to me and it hurt soooo bad. Just a week ago he was talking about marrying me and now he was talking to me like some random chick. The woman never called me back. A few weeks later, he eased his way back in. Explaining that I left him with a lot of bills and he got put out of the placed that we lived in. The woman was a friend and had a room to rent. He said they never had sex together and he was so upset because I was trying to get him put out. I felt kind of bad and believed him because, this woman never called me back after I told her we had been seeing each other. The last time we were together was the beginning of June 2010. I cut it off with him, telling him we have been seeing each other for over 4 yrs and there is no committment. He said that he just needed time and sorry I felt that way. Fast forwarding to earlier this week…I find out he got married last weekend…to the woman he was living with all this time. On top of that…he has been with this woman all along, engaged for over a year, definetely when we were living together and probably when I was pregnant. Even worse, he has been slandering my name this whole time to the people at our work!!!! No wonder why people seemed to dislike me, for no reason. His daughter was not in the wedding of course because HOW COULD SHE BE. He told people that I knew of the engagement and the wedding. This is just completely unbelieveable!! I am completely crushed because this entire nearly 5 years has been a complete lie. I questioned a lot of things but he always came with another believeable lie. A friend of mines told me to look up the definition of a sociopath and here I am. The description fit him exactly. He cares about no one. He manipulated me into believing his lies. Told me he loved me but was slandering me to others. He was totally cold and heartless. What do I do at this point? After reading up on a sociopath, I’m afraid to even allow my child to have contact with him. Sorry for the long post.
Dear Cloudy,
Sorry you have been involved with a monster, and that you have had so much deception and pain. This is a great place to learn and heal though, because we have all been involved with one or more Ps.
Read and learn. There are wonderful articles here in the archives, read them ALL! Learning about what they are and how they behave will help you heal. Post as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing. God bless.
Cloudy:
Welcome to LF…….
You’ve landed on the goldmine of information and support.
First…..be THANKFUL your not in HER shoes!
Divorce from a spath is a nightmare and seems neverending.
Hope and pray he doesn’t take an interest in your childs life.
If so……do all you can to ‘encourage’ or ‘nurture’ an ending to it.
KEEP your mouth shut, be carefull who you confide in……and strike like a snake…..unnoticed and unexpected.
and remember…..loose lips sink ships.
As hard as it is……you are in a good position NOT being married to him.
Hope he goes away and ‘celebrates’ his new matriphony.
And allow this…..because YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!!!
😉 EB, matraPHONY. Good one.